You have set "curfews" for this adult person, & you "allowed" her to take a trip, but only for a couple of days, & you don't see where her anger comes from?

& at age *21* she now has her "first boyfriend", & you seem to think he's a puppy love or a "first love".

Newsflash:

This guy looks to be the father of your grandchildren.

Their manners might improve if you acknowledged them as adults & stopped acting like they're 11 years old.

Yes, I agree with Sylvia.

Your daughter is an adult, you can't expect her to do what you want her to do.

Unfortunately the BF sounds horrible, but you can't do anything about that - its her life.

Stop getting so involved in her life, and you might find things will settle down. You have to earn respect, try being a person who they want to be respectful to.

Just don't engage in the battles, no matter what anyone says !

Considering that she's engaged to be married and In the interest of promoting her adulthood, it's time that your daughter move out of your house and into her own apartment. Give her a deadline of, say, four months to become fully employed and moved. You'll need to have some intermittent deadlines for getting a job, researching apartment options, etc., so that she can make the 4 month deadline.

Just don't present this in a punitive way, but rather in a way that makes it clear that this is a very loving decision you are making for her.

betcha a dollar that the daughter has been carefully swaddled so that she doesn't know *how* to get a better job!

Throwing an unprepared person into the deep end of the pool is not a "loving decision".

& one more "loving decision you are making *for* her" (emphasis mine) is neither loving nor helpful nor likely to lower the level of anger in the relationship.

If these two are planning to marry any time soon, there's no reason to make her move out before the wedding;
the couple would recognize it for what it is, just one more power play.

Syliva -- Betcha dollars to donuts that, if the daughter isn't required to become self supporting before the wedding, the fiancé/husband will end up moving in with Mom, too.

Heck, yeah, the fiance/husband will move in!

I've seen & heard parents who maintain rigid, total control over their children.

They'll moan & groan & complain (loudly) about how they're being disrespected & used & run over & how they have to take whatever the happy couple dishes out...
but they always "allow" the child's spouse to move in.

If the couple sets out to actually find an apartment, the parents undermine their confidance & *offer* their "help".

which involves remaining at home dependent on the parents, & being subject to curfews & having to ask permission to take trips.

People *can* refrain from micro-managing their child's life while still being helpful, supportive, & reasonable, & part of that is being realistic about expectations;
if your 21-year-old daughter never has had a "real" job, & never has managed her own schedule, demanding that she get a real job & move out within a shortish time frame is spiteful & destructive.

You might as well demand that she become an astronaut by Easter.

Try it & see what happens to the anger quotient in the relationship.

Obviously stacey1799 has to take care to not undermine her daughter's path to independence once the move-out deadline is communicated. And, she should certainly continue to be emotionally supportive, but not financially supportive.

Given the fairly healthy job market, four months is plenty of time for a 21 year old to make the transition. If the girl joins forces with another young adult or two when searching for housing, she can make it. It may not always be easy, but in the end, it'll be way better for her than letting her (and her new husband) continue to mooch off the Bank of Mom.

I guess you'd let her stay forever? (I'm being facetious, obviously, but all you've done so far is criticize my solution. How about you suggest your own?)

Your "solution" is to throw an unprepared young person onto her own resourceas.

newsflash: she doesn't *have* any resources, not personal, not financial, not emotional or educational.

Giving her 4 months to clear out & support herself will not only escalate the anger between her & her mother, it'll also lock daughter into low-skilled, low-paying jobs for a very long time if not forever.

Please re-read:
I did suggest my own solution.

I just didn't suggest throwing a "child" out of the house when all her previous training has been to stay *in* the house & remain dependent & childlike.

Your solution will work if OP's only goal is to get her daughter out of the house, but it won't work if OP wants a happier relationship with daughter in the future.

& I don't know that the job market is booming at all, especially for someone whose experience has been part-time entry-level work.

If you had suggested that OP provided or subsidized housing while daughter attended something like a 2-year-course of study at a dental school or a technical school, I'd say that was reasonable.

I agree with Jewel654. The girl needs to know how to take care of herself before she gets married.

Why is this girl still living at home? Has she been to college? Why isn't she working?

I wouldn't let the boyfriend in the house if he talked nasty to me. He might get more than he bargained for....

Whatever you do, don't let him move in. If it weren't against the law, I'd demand the daughter wear a chastity belt until she gives on on the loser who has zero respect for his prospective 'bride's parents.

Sorry. Just my opinion!

Sounds like this couple needs to move in with Granny!! Let her support them and see how it feels!! My daughter had a disrespectful boyfriend years ago. I forbid him to come in my house. My daughter wasted 11 years with him. Never married thank goodness. He ended up cheating on her. She ended it. He married the gal he cheated with. Well she cheated on him, one is divorced with two daughters. Out of the blue, I received this email from him apologizing for his behavior. He truly has grown up.