Frustrated and lonely

11 years ago

Hi, I am really glad I found this forum, I can see by other posts that I am not alone when it comes to my problem. I am also in dire need of some good advice. My wife and I have been married for over 13 years and we have a wonderful son together but when it comes to any kind of intamacy between us I always end up frustrated and lonely. When we were dating everything was great but after we said I do things just changed dramatically. I have always been the very caring type, I help her around the house, do all the grocery shopping, iron the cloths and even do the laundry. We both have full time jobs but I always put her first when it comes time for us at night but she rejects me when I try to touch her and says that sex is the only thing on my mind. Lately she told me that sex isn't something that she cares to do anymore and is giving up on it. Says she is too old to do that sort of thing (we both are 47). I am not ready to give it up and refuse to live the rest of my life just satisfying myself. My best friend tells me to just start meeting new people that my frustration will soon go away but I may be a little too old fashion when it comes to being married and having an affair. Am I just kidding myself?

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colleenoz

11 years ago

Well, I guess you could tell your son that Mom wasn't feeling well and had to go get better. Ignoring this elephant in the room for too long could leave him thinking he did something wrong, since she didn't come to get him.
I can't help but feel her calmness the night before was prompted by her having settled her plan to take off as she did. Personally I think that's a really crappy thing to do. I understand she might feel the need to go away and get her head straight, but not letting you know what the plan was in advance so you could plan for her absence, and even worse, leaving your son at the sitter's without a word, is pretty inexcusable.

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Comments (18)

sylviatexas1
11 years ago
At 47, she may be starting to feel the effects of peri-menopause;
fluctuating/dropping hormone levels play heck with all kinds of things, including sex drive.

Maybe a visit to the doctor would help her & you.

I am sorry you're having trouble, & I wish both of you the best.
suzieque
11 years ago
I applaud you for not "just going out and meeting other people", as your friend suggests. Sounds like you have a moral core, where he does not. What happened to "Forsaking all others..."?

However, I agree that you should not have to live the rest of your life without intimacy with your wife. Of course you understand that women and men are very different about that, but as long as intimacy is about sharing love and not just sex it's a wonderful thing.

I do agree that she's likely experiencing some peri-menopause. I, too, thought that I was done with making love and was pretty happy with that, but I ended up seeing a doctor because my husband was so unhappy (and he has a moral core, as well - he loves me and wants that intimacy with me .... not a stranger). I'm so glad that he kept asking me to seek help. I've now got some gentle meds as well as some re-thinking of the whole thing, and now we express ourselves to each other and share, and our relationship is better than it's ever been.

So even if she resists, gently request help. Don't stress to her that it's about sex, but that you love her and want to experience and share that with her. Reinforce that it's not about the action, but about the emotion.

Good luck.
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forgottenhusband1
Original Author
11 years ago
Thanks for your feedback girls, the perimenopause thing might just be it. I did a little reading into it and now I see why she's been a little irritable at times as well. The problems i had with her are nothing compared to what her and my son are going thru now. This week she has been very angry towards him and for little dumb things. For one, Because he was too loud laughing on the phone with his friends, that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard. And everytime I come home or walk around the corner she is yelling at him from the top of her lungs. I had a talk with him before bed time and he told me that this has been going on for a while and that he mostly cries himself to sleep at night. That just broke my heart and made me furious. When I tried talking to her about it she snapped at me and threatened to leave. Saying how bad of a kid she has and how stupid I am that i dont see how he trully is. He is not a bad kid, a little hyper at times but what active kid isnt. I am very patient when it comes to kids But I would not take her to chucky cheese anytime soon. She would just snap due to stress. Now my friends i am really stuck between a rock and a hard place, don't know what to do. I have offered family counceling but that was thrown in my face as I am the one who needs a shrink she says.
Feed back needed.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I just hate it that "counselling" & "therapy" are the first, default suggestions for everything.

Got a headache?
Get some counselling.

sugar levels dropped & you're snappish?
See a therapist.

Car won't start?
Maybe therapy will explain why that bothers you.

Perimenopause isn't a mental disorder.

It's a biological fact of life, & it can be navigated just like any other biological fact of life.

If someone has a headache, my first suggestion is aspirin.

Talking to a counsellor will likely make that headache much much worse-
& it costs a whole bunch more than an aspirin.

& making someone go to counselling because she's irritable will always make things worse:
talking about being irritable is irritating.

Assuming that this is perimenopause, a doctor or other practitioner can prescribe or suggest actual physical substances to ease this transition, to calm the nerves.
calisha46
11 years ago
Buy her a gift certificate for a spa day and take the kid away for the weekend. It's amazing how a little time to herself and some pampering can rejuvenate someone. You're at a crossroads here, things will get better or they'll get a lot worse. Proceed with caution and act out of love and kindness.
forgottenhusband1
Original Author
11 years ago
Good advice.
popi_gw
11 years ago
She needs to go and have a check-up at the GP.

Poor child, crying himself to sleep - that is terrible.

Yelling at the top of her voice, is not acceptable behavior.
nancylouise5me
11 years ago
Yep, she definitely needs to see her primary care doctor, ASAP. And until she does and gets the meds or whatever treatment that will help her, you need to protect your son. Crying himself to sleep is indeed heartbreaking. Can you imagine what he is feeling. I'd be pissed off also at my spouse for doing that to our children(wouldn't matter what the reason why they were doing it. It would come to a stop). I would keep up with recommending going to the doctor to her. Hopefully she will see how miserable her actions are making the family and want some help for herself. I doubt she is happy with herself either. NancyLouise
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
You can blame the wife all you want, you can "hold her responsible" all you want, but it sounds like she isn't in control of her emotions, & that will not change until she gets medical help.

Husband must get her to a doctor;
posting how unhappy he & his son are is just maintaining the current situation.
forgottenhusband1
Original Author
11 years ago
Well we had a talk last night and everything went good. We all had dinner together and she was back as normal or even sweeter I might say. At night we did talk about seeing her doctor and she agreed things would get better. She was calm and herself. Today we got up and left to work "Separate cars". In the afternoon my son calls me and asks when we were picking him up? I was puzzled why she wasn't there? She usually picks him up by that time. So I swung by and picked him up at the sitters. When we got home I noticed cloths missing and sort of ransacked. I emediately thought it was intruders but later she left me a voice mail that she had to leave for a while. This whole thing went from bad to worse. As to this moment I have not mentioned anything to my son. Don't know what to say.
scarlett2001
11 years ago
I would take it as a blessing. Clearly, she has even more problems than you knew about.

Now you are in a good bargaining position, because when she wants to come back, you can set some terms: doctor's visit, marriage counseling, whatever. Be firm, for you son's sake and your own future.
scarlett2001
11 years ago
Is there another person involved? Where did she go? "Desertion" is a legal issue.
tete_a_tete
11 years ago
Is she contactable?

Maybe it's depression.
User
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I thought she has a job, should not be too difficult to find her.
nancylouise5me
11 years ago
Have to agree with the others...very crappy way to handle this. To plan a leave with no notice. Just compounding the misery to the family. ForgottenHusband, have you tried to find out where she is? Did you contact friends or her work? Please come back and let us know how you and your son are. Hopefully your wife is getting the mental health help she needs while she is away. NancyLouise
sylviatexas2
11 years ago
but it doesn't sound like it was planned; it sounds like the "conversation" at dinner was just too much to bear & she decided to leave the next day.
tete_a_tete
11 years ago
I agree, sylviatexas. And, I think it was good that forgottenhusband's wife sent him a voice mail. Sometimes, perhaps, depressed people just leave. And you are left not knowing.

Frustrated and lonely

colleenoz

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