You don't. Your husband does. Your SIL has no right to presume anything you do or choose not to do.

Being a caregiver is no picnic, even when there is a good relationship - which you say you don't have (I don't either, so I totally understand).

Three words. Don't let ANYONE, even your DH, let you feel guilty about them, either.

JUST. SAY. NO.

Awwww, thanks, I love you!!!!!!

I second: Just. Say. No.

Having someone like her living with you will ruin your marriage.

If you get flak say, "Hell, No!"

Much more effective

Haha, mxyplx! No, No and Hell No!!! Thank you all so much, I feel so much better. Now she is talking about her staying here two months out of the year. Sorry but that's not going to happen either. I remember a wife saying that she will be cut out of MIL will if she didn't do what MIL wanted. She said it was the best money she never spent! Some things just are not worth it.

If you act like a rug people will step on you.
It may be that there are ulterior motives at play here, SIL may want you to do care for free to preserve MIL's money for her.
The way it sounds, if you take in MIL for any extended period, I'm thinking it may easily turn into a permanent arrangement.

Just say NO, NO, NO. My mil and I did not ever get along. I have been married to her son for over 52 years. I tolerated the woman. when she wouldn't and wasn't taking good care of herself, My husband the oldest of her (3) sons took on the responsibility. No one dared to make noise about her care. One grand daughter wanted to see the will. she wasn't even dead yet. My husband told her to ask her dad who told her to apologize to my husband. He didn't want to take on her care. My husband hired an elder attorney who put everything in writing and assisted my husband in helping his mother. We went to visit her in her assisted living home , even though she hated it. almost every day. I met so many nice lonely people. this irritated her. I didn't care. I think it also brought us closer together. she passed away after her 3 sons were finally together at our house and had come to visit her. This was all she wanted was to have her boys together again. One son only stayed 1 day and he was her favorite. My husband was the only one who was there when she needed someone to assist her in her care. Take her to the doctors, for rides, our home etc. Sorry I have written a novel. My mil made my life miserable. In the end I hope that I made her life a little pleasant.
Mary

I have been thinking about you, Please lets us know how this turns out.

Thank you EmmaR, they are coming for a visit next week. I will let you know how it goes. I wrote a post on here last week and it never got posted. I may have turned off my computer before I hit submit. I have made up my mind I will not be bullied into taking care of her. Thank you for your concern.

I had not been married long when I was asked to care for his mother while she was recuperating. I was new to the family and barely knew her, one of her dil's had lived near her forever and she wouldn't do it. I was so mad I walked out of the house, I had no where to go since we were 70 miles from home. I caved in because it was only for 2 weeks.

MY husband was very happy to have the two women he loved most in his life under the same roof. LOL Of course he went off to work.

I hope you don't cave on this decision.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Dec 27, 14 at 11:37

Just a head's up warning. If they are coming for a visit in a few days, be prepared for your SIL to be thinking that she'l leave Mom with you. I'd be careful to NOT make Mom too comfortable, he own room, etc.

I sniff an agenda with this visit. Hope I'm wrong, but best be prepared.

Cam, is your hubs on the same page as you are? He really should be the one to say "No way" to SIL's request. I hope the two of you stand firm against SIL's request. Like sushipup, I am a bit suspicious of next week's visit. If you do have a spare room, I hope you can quickly turn it into a craft/project room of some sort, to strengthen your case.

Since she has a lot of money, a nice assisted living facility really is the best route for her to go.

Please keep us posted...and hang in there.

I agree with them. Do as they say or plan a week's trip for after the visit, letting them know ahead of time.

I say go with it all! Going on a trip after the holidays sounds like a winner. ðÂÂÂ

I had a similar situation. I took care of MIL because her spoiled children would not even though they had more time and means than I and my DH did.

I loved her and we were good friends so I wanted to do it. However, the spoiled kids were always too busy to help, but never too busy to make more demands and give unwanted advice about a woman they did not know as well as they thought they did. So think about that. You many end up taking care of a woman you don't really get along with well, and your in-laws may make it much harder because it will help them feel "involved" and soothe their feelings of guilt.

So my best advice is don't do it. Everyone, most of all you and DH will be miserable.

Heck, my sister and I won't even take care of our own mother. She has always been extremely picky and overly-critical. And always right, mind you. These traits have increased as she has aged. I'm sure if she lived with either of us, murder would occur. Just not sure who would murder who first. Spending her money and eliminating our inheritance is just fine by us. She lives in a wonderful assisted living facility with great caregivers. And she was always a social person so this gives her more socialization. I think it's better for her too in the long run.

So, I agree with "No, Hell NO, Freakin' Hell NO!!!"

The main thing is that you and your DH need to discuss this and be on the same page so that he can take the lead in any discussions with his own family. I married into a large family 32 years ago where several family members are overly-dramatic and difficult to deal with at times..although lovely people when nothing serious is being dealt with. My husband can say things to his family that they don't like to hear but that they accept that I can't. If I say it, even if I say it nicer than he does, I'm a Capital B witch.

I also agree that you need to ensure this visit doesn't get extended. Be wary about making things too comfortable for them.

The strange thing about caring for the mother in law is that if the husband/son had full responsibility for the care most would not do it.

Thanks everyone! I have thought of SIL leaving MIL here but that will not work because I can load her up and take her right back home. They usually visit 3 to 4 times a year and as much as I dislike it, I understand they like it here and have history here. DH loves his mom but he also knows she is a b*tch because she does nothing but complain and doesn't like anybody but strangers. He thinks his sis is being very conniving. DH does not talk much but when he does, believe me you will hear him. I am anxious to see how he will handle this. I know he is totally against it. I just know I can't live with her so it's not going to happen and I have told DH as much.

Cam, I am so glad your dh is on the same page. Maybe hubs could help SIL talk MIL into staying in an assisted care situation? I imagine that MIL is not very kind to SIL, either. At any rate, I am glad that she will not end up at your place!

I think SIL is way over thinking this. MIL is fine. She plays tennis every week, so it's not like she is in bad shape.

Tennis? I was assuming MIL was somebody in need of care. It sounds like an assisted living facility is unnecessary at this point. Does MIL want to move out of her home?

I do not know if she wants to move out or not. She did mention she misses our area. SIL even suggested her move in with nephews in Fl. which is just crazy. They barely even know her. Bottom line is I think MIL wants to play and SIL doesn't want to play with mama. They were suppose to come for a visit and didn't show up. I worked my butt off and spent a small fortune for food. I am sooooo over it. I hope they have a wonderful life.

Maybe it was for the best that they didn't come for a visit. Sorry you spent so much on food. My dad lived with us for 5 years and I loved him. It was very stressful. Constant doctor visits, making him take pills, demanding he wear his hearing aids, almost forcing him to drink water. He started getting into things so I had to work nights and my hubby worked days so someone was always with him. My sisters and brother were up north so they were completely out of the care loop. Hang in there! I hope it works out for you and your mil.

Maybe it was for the best that they didn't come for a visit. Sorry you spent so much on food. My dad lived with us for 5 years and I loved him. It was very stressful. Constant doctor visits, making him take pills, demanding he wear his hearing aids, almost forcing him to drink water. He started getting into things so I had to work nights and my hubby worked days so someone was always with him. My sisters and brother were up north so they were completely out of the care loop. Hang in there! I hope it works out for you and your mil.

If she plays tennis, why doesn't she live independently? I don't understand why she has to live with anybody? Does she have financial issues that make it difficult to pay for her own living space?

I don't want to take the time to read back through the whole discussion but did you say that she doesn't like people? Then who does she play tennis with?

If she's active, I'd encourage her to find a 55+ housing community with tennis courts and other fun facilities if she can afford it. Problem solved.

Deleted.

This post was edited by junebug1961 on Mon, Jan 5, 15 at 11:54