Welcome to the Forum, Nancy. There are all sorts of caretakers and you certainly are one. It is good of you to take in your SIL when she is so much in need of care and a safe place to live.

I'm no expert, but from your description it does sound like she needs psychiatric help. You might start with Social Services to ask what direction you might take in getting her free help. Since she has no job and no money she should qualify for free medical and psychiatric care. It's not always easy finding out what's out there, but be persistent.

And, good luck!

"Another thing that she does is cry without tears" "but she had the voice you get when you cry"

It's possible she is just built that way. My wife does that. It's not faked. No quick turn off tho. Just doesn't shed tears. Never has or at least I've not seen one in 43 years. Saves on kleenex. :-)

If you are indeed dealing with dementia you should know that logic and especialy sarcasm just don't work. It simply does not make sense to them.

This post was edited by mxyplx on Wed, Jan 28, 15 at 22:59

What kind of jobs does she get? Do they require very little skill? She may be of low intelligence. I know a young woman that got upset because I didn't go to church when I had a bad cold or flu. She was so upset. I told her she would maybe have gotten very sick from me. If child has mumps you wouldn't want him to give it to you would you. I told her God wouldn't expect a sick person to come to church, still I was wrong so I said, what if you have broken legs & can't stand up. Finally it sunk in. I told her she must stay home if she was vomiting ,dizzy, coughing constantly, nose running or if she had chills or fever. She repeated that over & over. Then at potlucks she would move ladies purses, never opened them but they seemed to be in wrong place. This girl went to college, I don't know if she finished as I moved away but everyone knew she had some strange habits & often rocked in her seat or twirled a piece of hair, she was bald in spots from doing it. She lived alone, someone may have been looking out for her but it wasn't her parents. SIL may be getting dementia, her thyroid may be messed up that can make you act strange so I would make sure that gets checked, she may be upset that her brother yelled at her(maybe he did when they were young & it's a painful memory & she has become very anxious about it. If you are alone with her you might ask her if she likes living at your house, did she have a happy childhood? Does she feel safe in her room(branch making noise outside might frighten her) Does she like the neighborhood & going for walks. She may not have tearducts ,some people don't or they don't work any more. It sounds to me like your hubby upsets her. That could be very old wound from him irritating her when she was a child. If she will open up don't run & tell hubby if it's about him. He will just be angry. Maybe hubby was great brother & her problem was her parents or another sibling or someone else that scared her. If it's something from childhood coming back to scare her she needs help. You might ask her if she needs help dealing with something. She needs a friend that won't get mad or judge her to help her get to bottom of what's going on. Why did she leave her last job? How old is she? Sometimes a job is a person's identity & if they lose it they are "lost" don't know what to do & that becomes depression. Is she eating & sleeping normally. You may be able to figure out what is wrong just by talking to her. If it was 10degrees maybe she wasn't sure she had the right house, had it snowed? that makes things look different! Hope this helps!

Thanks, everyone. I guess what I'm asking is, where do I go to start looking for help? Social services was a good suggestion and I will have to look into that....once I find out where it is! Do you think someone at medicare would even talk to me, if only just to explain how it works?

If she does have dementia, it would be an extremely mild case. She is a fully functioning adult in terms of being able to get around the city on her own (by bus) or going to a store on her own. The psychiatric part comes in with things that you and I have no issues with. She can't read facial cues, so she has to be told that you are joking with her. If she breaks something, say a coffee mug, she thinks it is the end of the world and will dwell on it for days, no matter how many times you tell her that it's ok, everybody breaks one once in a while. If/when you purchase a new one, she'll make a comment like, "I'm not even going to touch it. I don't want to break another one, ok? "We watch her money for her (at her request, mind you) because she has been known to buy multiples of perishables because the price was right, only to have 3/4 of it rot before she could use it.

She worked for the post office (insert your own joke here) for more than 30 years. I liken her to a person with downs syndrome.....a very hard worker who will do exactly what you tell her to do without any problems.
The problems come in in this way: if you were her boss and told her to hurry up, her anxiety would kick in and she would no longer focus on her own safety or on the quality of the job that she is doing, but solely on getting the job done.
She does not stick up for herself, making her an easy target for other workers to try to manipulate. She was very lucky at the post office...there were several people who looked out for her, so it rarely happened (it's been about 12-15 years since she worked there).

Nancy

"She worked for the post office for more than 30 years. She was very lucky at the post office...there were several people who looked out for her, so it rarely happened (it's been about 12-15 years since she worked there)."

30 years is a long time. Do you have to work there that long to be able to retire? Seems like they have good benefits.

Without going into detail, she went AWOL and got fired. Bye-bye benefits! She has a pension, but her brother and I don't want her to start dipping into it until she turns 62. Even at that age, it won't last very long (and it's not much).

"Do you think someone at medicare would even talk to me, if only just to explain how it works?"

It's worth a phone call but IMO you need to get power of attorney to successfully do anything in the way of dealing with social services.

Is it possible that SIL has aspergers? Some of the things you described remind me of things I've been told by friends who know an aspie.

Quasifish, I was thinking the same thing after reading these further posts. She still needs a psychiatric evaluation.

So, it sounds like we are pretty much SOL until/unless she gets a job or turns 62.....

Nancy

Is it possible she qualifies for Social Security disability payments? I would think that is worth pursuing.

Being a former federal employee, she doesn't get the same kind of Social Security. It wouldn't kick in until she is older, anyway, and she doesn't have any money to see a doctor.

Nancy

I think I would pay to get her evaluated myself, even if I had to dip into savings or charge it. If a doctor and/or psychiatrist deem her eligible for social security disability benefits, it would be worth it for her to have some income and she could pay you back out of that.

I would suggest that you try to get her to give you and your husband co-powers of attorney for both financial and healthcare decisions. It sounds like she might be comfortable with that and it would make things easier for you to take care of things for her. If she's not totally comfortable, these documents can be written so that you only have power within certain strict, defined parameters.

I have a mom with Alzheimer's. Caregiving can be challenging. I wish you the best of luck.

I should add that the evaluation might give you insight into any possible health issues that are causing these issues as well. With proper treatment and medication, she might improve quite a bit. I think it would be worth the expense.

This may or may not help but-most cities have attorneys who work for the elderly and/or sick free of charge. In my city, it is a United Appeal agency. This helped me immensely when trying to care for my parents. They can help you with POA's and with whatever services are available for her.

Linda

When I was in a caregiver role for a psychiatric patient, I found that calling whoever I could find who might be able to help, would often lead to another resource that I did not know about.

OP, I guess my thought is maybe you do some research and see if SIL looks like she fits something like aspergers. Aspergers is related to autism (I am by no means an expert, or even knowledgeable on this subject), so if she looks like she fits on the spectrum, you could potentially contact one of the many resources for autism and maybe get some help for SIL. Even if she is not aspergers, they may have information about psychiatric services that would be available to her. It's just a thought, and my experience taught me that it never hurt to call and ask. It might be a pain, it might be time consuming, they might not have answers, but some just might have help to offer.

Thanks everyone, I will look into everything mentioned.

Quasifish, I looked into Asperger's once I read your first post (Don't know why I didn't think of it before. Maybe too focused on Austism?) and her actions do seem to fit within the spectrum. I will be looking into it further....

Thanks again, everyone!

Nancy

Hi,
Upon a recommendation, I got an eval for someone at a place that specializes in OT (occupational therapy) - and they worked with all sorts of 'quirky' people issues. (Sorry for not being more clear but I want to protect the involved people.) That time changed our lives. The center was OTA in Watertown Massachusetts. They mostly serve children but seem to be a great resource. They wouldn't make an appointment until we did very detailed phone interview - so all that talking was free. If you don't know where to start, they may be able to get you started, no matter where you are. Again, our time with them (which was very limited) changed lives.