Great advice, sweeby! Thanks so much for the idea. Unfortunately, like you I basically avoided the truth and did not record milestones etc. I can't accurately remember a lot of the details of her very early years. At least I kept all of the "official" documentation as well as samples of her work from age 3 on. However, it was frustrating to be asked over and over whether Alex echoed me, or used my hands to gesture, or whether there was ever a regression in skills, and on and on, with no clear memory about it. Did she reverse pronouns? Did she babble? When did she first use 2-word sentences? I had to tell them in many cases that I just didn't know. I could usually tell them when she had done something unusual and that if I hadn't noticed anything different, I thought it was probably pretty normal. Having 5 kids, I have a pretty good idea of what things were not typical. paige, how awful!! It's so sad that people can buckle under job pressure and trash their integrity. I don't see how anyone could do it. I do know, though, that it has happened to us twice in a less direct way. The playgroup teacher was simply unavailable for any documentation or official input, which I considered a breach of her contract but was obviously coming from "above." And the caseworker, who seems like such a lovely, warm person who cares about Alex when you're with her one-on-one, will turn on us in an IEP without batting an eye. DH told me to be very careful with what I say to her (I tend to trust people and will give way too much info). The district has made no secret of the fact that they want Alex off their sped rolls. Thank you for reminding me to be careful!!! A couple of days ago, I had a chance to speak briefly with Alex's new teacher (2nd grade). Alex was standing right there so I couldn't say too much. The teacher expressed amazement that Alex is on an IEP and said the usual we hear from teachers about how well she does, how smart she is, what a joy to have in class, etc. Then she went on to laugh about how much glue Alex used on her continents project that day. She marked Alex's project in red ink with words about not using so much glue and she called her "Miss Glue Girl" in front of other parents and kids after school. Alex burst into tears in the car and told me that she had had to do the project twice and still couldn't keep from getting glue all over. She said all the kids were watching. That's the kind of information I assumed would have been given to the teacher--Alex has *always* had a lot of difficulty with motor skills! Where are the reports and the people who are supposed to be working on Alex's behalf? I had requested a meeting with the teacher so that I could go over some of this stuff, but we hadn't had a chance to meet yet. Alex is left-handed, clumsy and awkward with any kind of project/art work/writing assignment, but there are easy accomodations for most of it (extra time, understanding that she *has* difficulty, left-handed scissors and perhaps a GLUE STICK????). The teacher also laughed about how serious Alex is. She told how she and another teacher were joking with her about her dress. They told her it was so pretty that they wanted it. When she just looked at them, one of them said, "What, you won't share your dress?" and Alex just looked at them and didn't laugh but frowned instead. Well, she doesn't understand that that is a joke. That remark would puzzle her because she wouldn't be sure how to take it. Again, that is something that has been noted in her records all along. This is the danger in teachers reporting that there are no problems and everything is fine!!!! Today she had a VERY hard time going to school because it's Fine Arts day. She absolutely dreads art day. In her arts class (or at least this was true last year), everyone does the same picture and they work on skills such as perspective, graphic sense, symmetry, etc. Alex is not able to do any of those things the "right" way, so her Woman or Dragon or Building looks very different from most of the other kids'. It does no good to tell her that art is what comes from the heart, because for a little girl attuned to following the rules and doing the best job, that is a moot point. Personally, I love her paintings because they are her and have a sort of Picasso-esque quality :) Luckily, we've not gotten to the age yet when these things are graded, but she knows the eyes on her person are not the same nor is the nose in quite the right spot etc so she is very unhappy with her work. Anyway, she has a little chime ball I gave her last year that hangs on a ribbon. I have had it for years. It's a little silver ball and if you shake it, will make a soft chiming noise. It's in a little basket thing so you can wear it as a pendant. I told her last year to imagine there was a little fairy inside and when she felt upset, to shake the ball and the fairy would sing to her. It worked pretty well and she told me that the fairy would sometimes tell her the right answers on her work. Today she put it on for Fine Arts. This year I gave her a small silver heart in a silk pouch for her to carry in her backpack. She gets it out when she is stressed and holds it in her hand to remind her how much Mama loves her and a piece of me is there with her to make her feel better. She made sure she had that today, too. We've not had as much trouble with meltdowns but she is very anxious and angry before and after school. She will sometimes go under her bed for a while and she likes the cupboard under the stairs. She goes in there with a little light and reads for a long time. I told her she's like Harry Potter, though I didn't mention that Harry didn't go in his cupboard out of choice.

When my child was in kindergarden, a friend of my child told all of the kids that there really is no Santa. Her parents do not celebrate Christmas at all because of their beliefs, and were very clear with their children about why they do not celebrate Christmas, explaining clearly to their kindergarden and preschool children that Santa is not real, and that parents that tell their children that Santa is, are lying to their children, and that they wanted their children to know the truth, and to know that "they" will always tell their children the truth, so that their kids will know that they can trust them. They did not want to act like Santa was real, and have their children believe they had lied or misled them, and believe that they could not trust what their parents said. You can imagine how upset the other moms were when their kindergarden children are telling them what the other children were told, and then asking "is Santa real mommy"? You will always tell me the truth, won't you mommy? Under "that" senerio, we were all put in a situation we did not want to be in so early, and had to admit the truth. Some of the kids even told that mom what her daughter told them, and she affirmed that her daughter had told them the truth, and went on to explain the same thing she told her children. You can imagine how upset a couple of the moms were with that mom.

Reggie, When I met my DH, I was 29 years old and I knew then that I didn't want to have children. He has three children and he would also see them every other weekend. Believe me, I did find it hard when they were around. I especially found it hard with the oldest child who right from the start did not like me at all. With time, I started disliking it when she would come over to our house because what missy wanted, missy got! It would just infuriate me and for years I had arguments with hubby about the way he treated this child, never, ever, ever saying no to whatever she asked for. Well, she grew up to be a spoiled, irreponsible child.She quit school early, got pregnant at 16 years old, got in-debth, etc. etc. etc. She got married and treated her husband just like she had treated her dad all her life, that is, when she asked for something, she had to get it NOW, her husband is the one who was stuck with cleaning the house, taking care of the children, etc. etc. That marriage did not last long needless to say. Today, she is divorced and she has had to make major changes in her life. And I must admit that she has matured quite a bit in the last two years and she is now in a new relationship and believe me, she doesn't treat that man the way she treated her x. But I find it so sad that she has had to go through all these experiences at such a young age. I sometimes think if her father had spoiled her less and had felt less guilty towards her, this child wouldn't have had to go through such negative experiences when she was so young. Today, my relationship with this step-daughter is good but it was hell getting there. I always told her that at 20 years old, she had gone through what a 40 year old woman would have gone through. So sad. This being said, I feel for you. I know you have been with this man for several years, but believe me, he will never, ever agree with you if you say anything wrong about his child, whether it's about the fact that you think she goes to bed too late or she is really childish or whatever. He will always defend her no matter how much he loves you. And believe me, this little girl's demands are going to become more and more big as she grows up. Whatever she will want from her father, I guarantee you she will get it and that will cause major, major fights between you and him! Believe me, I've been there. I have been with hubby for 20 years now and there were many times that I said to myself, if i knew then, what I do know now in regards to being a step-parent, I don't know if I would have started a relationship with him. So, all I can say to you from experience is you either have to accept this child in your life and try and detach yourself from her with love or....leave this man. I know you love him but you will drive yourself mad and make yourself sick to death if you continue in this relationship knowing there is a child that will always, always be there. Sometimes, in order to understand my husband's behavior towards his child, I would sit down for a minute and wonder what would I do if that was my child. Most of the time, when I truly thought about it, I thought I would do the same thing he did. These men love their children to death and they feel really guilty about not being in their life 24/7 and because of this, they will do anything an everything for them just so these children will be happy and not hate their father. I truly wish you luck sweetie.Keep posting.

Wow everyone, thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me. Vista the wedding itself was a small affair at our home the home that my mom lived in. It was obvious to everyone at the wedding how upset I was. The guests included my step mom parents, her 6 siblings and their spouses, my step dads immediate family, a few close family friends, and amazingly a few members of my moms family! They actually planned the wedding pretty quickly like 6 weeks start to finish. At the time I was actually a university student and I lived on campus about 2 hours away. I came home every weekend. I remember the weekend that my dad told me he was getting married. He told me in private because I am pretty sure he knew what my reaction was going to be, which was of course, sobbing. I went back to school that week and continued to come home on the weekend, hoping that maybe they wouldnt actually go through with it. Step mom didnt actually move in the house until after they were married so it was pretty easy for me to just ignore what was happening by immersing myself in school during the week and then hang out with my friends on the weekends back at home. Typical selfish teenage behavior. Since it was such a small affair, there wasnt really a lot of expectations for me to participate other than to show up- probably designed that way by my dad. I guess my dad knew me well enough to know that once the initial shock and emotions wore off, that I would eventually come around and to give me time. I dont really have a clear recollection of the weeks that followed which is a good sign I guess. She moved in our home, which looked exactly the same as the day my mom died and stayed that way until they sold the house a few years ago. There were new mementos, memories, and photos added prominently displayed next to the old ones. Vista, its obvious that you have tried to reach out to your step kids and I am sure its incredibly painful to be pushed away by them. It sounds like you have left the door open to them countless times, they just have never walked through the door. I think its important to ask yourself whether their actions are the result of bad behavior or they just learned terrible coping skills to a traumatic event like divorce. My initial thought when you said the girls burst out in tears about the wedding dresses was there was still a lot of pain from the divorce. I can empathize with that pain. I admire that you are still hopeful that they will come around and the fact that you question where you could have made some changes along the way. Have you ever asked them that? Theres probably a pretty good chance that they may not have an answer for you, but maybe someday they will. Will the door still be open? Seriously, thank you for allowing me to talk about this. Its a blessing for me. Its really made me self reflect over the past day or so and has inspired me to continue to never take for granted the people that I hold so dearly to my heart.