Well, Stevied, thanks for your concern about "hijacking" my thread but I think we would all be better off if it morphs into a discussion of how we can all (male and female) be more sensitive in communication with our significant others than if it remains a narrowly focused thrashing out of my little problem. After all...I've already relegated that to the "last week's annoyance" category. Some might say that I've swept it under the rug...I prefer to think I've moved on. And I think I might learn a lot from a man who is willing to think a bit about these things. A different perspective, doncha know? I suspect that part of the problem your wife has with your attempts to communicate stems from old hurts. She may be expecting repeats of earlier disappointments and such. It's hard to imagine that a husband who would make such a sweet, humble attempt to understand and change would be rebuffed. There must be some issue lurking here. Have you asked about that? You say that you still can't help her feel better - well, apart from the fact that one person really cannot be responsible completely for the feelings of another - have you asked her to break things down for you into really small, doable bits? If you find that you just don't know what to do or say, could you say, "Honey, I can tell that you are hurting and I hate that and really want to help. What do you need me to do or say right now? What am I not getting about this? Do believe me that I want to understand and am not trying to be thick...I just don't quite see it and need you to help me understand how to help you. I'm hoping that if you walk me through it a few times I'll start to get it on my own." Any woman who would reject that must have a LOT of mistrust left over from somewhere. And those issues will have to be dealt with before progress is made. Also, apology has its valuable place. If you react in a way that turns out to be mistaken, apologize! Right away you can say, "Whoa! I think I read that wrong. You were serious, weren't you? I'm sorry I didn't get that. Let me back up and try again cause I really didn't want to hurt your feelings." And you may need to start out by assuming that it's ALL important for a while. Rather than putting all the burden on her to announce whether you should really pay attention or not, how about just assuming that if her mouth is moving you need to get in gear? I seriously doubt that she will be as annoyed on account of you taking something seriously when she was kidding as she would if you ignore her when she is trying to get your attention. You say that you want to help and you just can't seem to figure it out? Well, take the time and trouble to just pay attention to everything she says for a while and see if that helps. Really listen every time she speaks, take a few seconds at least to try to see what she is really saying and if you don't get it ask her to clarify for you. If nothing else, it should be a huge compliment to her that you are willing to pay attention to her. We really do teach others how to treat us. Heaven knows what I'M thinking...I seem to always teach people to take me totally for granted and to ignore my needs. When will I ever learn NOT to do that? Or HOW not to do that? But it's always easier to give advice about someone else's problem than to figure out our own or to take advice when it applies to us. So why shouldn't your wife teach you what she needs? If you are as willing to learn as you appear to be, I think she would be making a huge mistake not to jump at the chance. Guys like you don't grow on trees!

thanks for all the feedback. i'm thinking EXACTLY as gobruno suggests in that he is not at all used to having so much input from a homeowner. this was the case when we did our first house. i remember making an appointment to interview a kitchen designer and he asked the dimensions of the kitchen. when he arrived he had plans all drawn up and ready to go. i was perplexed to say the least. he spec'd a suite of kitchen aid appliances and was going to stain the wood maple. when i told him *I* was going to select the appliances and the wood species/stain/paint he looked at me and said, "ohhhhh... you're one of the FANCY people!" dh will never let me forget that. i did get an email back from cabinet maker today explaining WHY he hadn't followed the drawings exactly (he thought i would lose counter space with so many uppers being pulled down to the counter, etc...) but i assured him i KNOW what i want and need. he'll re draw and frankly he can revise until he's blue in the face. i'll see how he does but in the meantime i have some contacts i'll look into when we get back home. the guys are roofing this week and it will take a couple of weeks so we have the luxury of time. i also have very detailed drawings of exactly what i want which will make it very easy to come up with close estimates. i'll keep you posted. thanks again for all your wisdom, suggestions and patience. i'm making notes of all the vendors mentioned and will be sure to give them a call.

I have a 19 year old son, and I know teenage gamers of the type doodledoo and serenity refer to.It truly is a tragic waste to see these boys waste this special time in their lives. But Sweeby's son sounds like a normal teenage boy to me. He does chores at his dad's house, at Sweeby's house he babysits and sets the table without grumbling, if he forgets to put his dishes away he does so when asked. Like Sweeby's husband, I am the type who would put the dish away and get aggravated. After two or three days of it, I'd get very aggravated. Sometimes, too, I get angry over little things when it's really an accumulation of bigger things that happened earlier that I never said anything about. Your husband needs to stop doing that. He is the adult, and he needs to communicate better. He needs to set the example of a healthy way to communicate. If I was your husband, I think I might be very frustrated with your son, too. Part of my frustration might be that my 13 year old has some developmental issues (if I remember correctly), yet he is seemingly the responsible, reliable one. It probably doesn't seem fair that the one who has no developmental issues or delays isn't as apparently on-the-ball. That type of reasoning isn't fair to your 18 year old, but sometimes our feelings aren't fair or reasonable. But even if our feelings aren't fair or reasonable, our actions should be. If your 13 year old is your husband's only child, he probably doesn't realize how very un-normal your 13 year old's attitude really is. My son and I sat down and talked to one another when we were having issues between us about helping out. He explained the nature of his video games to me and I understood more why he hates to be interrupted when he's playing (it's online with other people and he can't pause). Also, my son is very organized and efficient and a planner, and he likes to plan his days off. So here's what we do - when he was at home he knew he would have chores to do on Saturdays. So earlier in the week or on Friday night I gave him a list of everything I wanted done on Saturday. Once he finishes the list, he is free for the day. I used to just string the jobs out all along the day - whenever I was doing something and could use some help, I'd ask him all during the day. He'd get annoyed because he was interrupted, and I'd get annoyed because he didn't want to help. But if I give my son a list, I can get a whole lot more work out of him, he's happier, he doesn't complain, and I'm happy, too. He will still help me with the things that come up when I really, really need him - like unloading the groceries and lifting heavy stuff. The flip side is that my son sees that I'm working with him to accomodate his preferences, so he tries harder to accomodate mine. If I tell him something really bothers me, like leaving his dirty dishes all over the place or leaving his clothes in the bathroom, then he'll quit doing that. I don't yell at him or get angry, I just explain how dirty dishes "multiply" - if the kitchen is clean then the next person will put their dirty dishes away, but once one person starts leaving them in the sink then everyone follows suit. My son understood that reasoning. So if your husband is anything like me in bottling up his frustrations, then blowing over the small stuff, you could probably head some of this off. You could sit down with your husband and ask his expectations. Just "help out when asked" is not concrete enough - what exactly does he think would be fair for regular chores, how much time is reasonable? Then I'd sit down with my son and work out something mutually acceptable. If your son doesn't like "dirty", then what "clean" chores would he substitute? Would he prefer to run errands, do grocery shopping, etc? Find something that works for you both, make sure he knows it's coming regularly down the pipeline every weekend he's at your house, and no video games can be started until those chores are done. If "clean" chores aren't enough to suit your husband - does he like to see a teenage boy really go out there and sweat and do "dirty" stuff - then give your son a regular "dirty" chore and just be done with it. In my experience, boys just do not like to be hassled. Better to give them a straightforward job to do and get it over with and don't hassle them. It may be more obvious that your husband has this issue with your son, but your husband is probably this way about other things as well. Learning to deal with your son in a more healthy way will probably help your husband in other areas of his life, too. The lessons I've learned in dealing with my kids have made me a better person not only at home but at work as well. I'm sure your husband is a wonderful person. I am, too! I still had to change, though.

I've just checked my email. I do have one from Cheryl..I don't have any from you JoAnn. Yes...I am in the swap. Am ready to send mine off. I haven't because of weather. I don't drive at night...in snow...or rain. Sorry. I wasn't aware you didn't have my address..as I sent you a Christmas card. This is how I had your address. I am sorry you two are so upset with me..it wasn't my intention. I'm not late with the mailing as I understood it. I will get mine mailed asap.