"just because it is colder in Iowa doesn't mean it is colder everywhere else." Oh, How true. March 8th my wife and I left Iowa for an extended stay in Florida to try and get warm. Eastern Iowa had been in a cycle of Rain, Ice, Snow every 3-4 days since before Christmas. We just wanted to go south and get warm!!! We hit tennessee day after they got smashed by a blizzard. Went on to Gatlinburg, there it was 50-55. Went to Savanah Ga. It was 60 and rain there. Went down to Venice Fl. 60 and high wind. Couldn't dive because water was so turbulent you couldn't see your guages. Ft. Lauderdale and Deerefield Beach wind off the ocean was 40+ mph and temp not above 60 or so. Went over to Freeport Grand Bahamas for 6 days. Temp never got above 65 most of the time it was 50-55 and rain 4 days out of 6 it rained and had high wind. Tryed diving one morning and the waves came up so badly once we were out and underwater, the dive master came down and called us in and it was almost impossible to get back on the boat as the boat was rocking in 6-8' seas. 21 days gone and only a couple of them did we see 70+ temps. Got back to Iowa and we went right back into the winter rain ice snow cycle and we are still in it right now minus the snow. Still cold enough to freeze outside some nights yet. I just want to be warm. I will gladly put up with 90+ temps and 90% humidity. I am tired of being cold. I would like to break a sweat for a change. Of course the old saw still applies: "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still" Here is a link that might be useful: For those who wish to keep the debate going, ample fuel here!!!

As usual, Sweeby has said what I am thinking. Do you plan to have children with his man, considering his lack of parenting skills? There are multiple issues to be dealt with here, and I don't think 3 weeks can even break the shell. I'm not saying jump ship, I'm saying that if you are making a lifetime commitment THIS is what you are committing to - the situation as it stands now. By saying I do you are saying you accept things as they are. What strong motivation for change is there when the ink is already dry on the marriage license? You may think change will still come, and it may, but the urgency is gone. In a man's view you've already accepted the 'terms' of the deal so now you have to deal with them. As for the terms of the deal - there are several to be addressed. Problems with the man and problems with your attitude toward the child. 1) You have denied many times, and I feel you believe your words, that you do feel SS is a not primary member of the family. I understand things were better before, something changed; they've gone downhill, but as a step mom and a step child reading your words I see between the lines to what you are conveying without writing it. He is a distraction from the life you pictured with this man you love. I get that - I've been there. BUT - this child is his life, convenient or not. If you have to force him into the 'picture' there is something wrong with your 'camera.' It's been said many times - this boy is your present and future as much as he is his dad's. From their perspective you are being 'forced' into their picture. 2) You can't force a child to feel at home anywhere, you are right. You can make him feel welcomed, loved, included and wanted though. He will feel how he wants about each house, but wouldn't it make you feel good to know you provide an atmosphere that he is comfortable enough in to call home? You don't get off the hook by saying 'He's not going to feel at home so sleepovers aren't needed.' That's HIS call. Respect him enough to let him decide where his comfort level is. If at 12 he doesn't want them any more as you did so be it. 3) You can not EVER be the judge of what time FDH and FSS need together. Every relationship is different and there is no set rule to what a person 'needs.' It sounds like FDH would like to have every day with his child, so how can anything less than that be enough for him? Just because you find it sufficient doesn't mean they do. To try to put restrictions on that is only asking from resentment from them both. Now the man ~ 1) COMMUNICATION. You just need some, and fast. I think communication levels stem from respect levels, so this is a huge red flag to me. Time to find out why his respect for you has lessened so drastically. What happened in his mind . . . or is it once he 'won you over' his true colors came out? I think you need to know this before you say I Do. 2) He is disrespectful, no two ways about it. You have every right to be involved in the planning of your household. There is no reason he couldn't call you to say 'DS has a game tonight. Do we have plans - I'd like to go. Would you like to come along?" Perhaps a solution for this would be to get a schedule from the coach for the season and put it on the fridge. Better yet, get a calendar and put them on there. Then also put the nights you have book club, or dinner with Sue and Joe. Then if you have a conflict, it's time for the compromising Ceph outlined. 3) Disneyland Dad. That's gotta stop. I know before my DH got custody we both had a tendency to try to have all good times, but that's just not realistic. All it does is set a child up with an unrealistic expectation of life. What about if you two have a child? How will he discipline that kid and not his son? This will open up a can of worms you won't want to deal with. I would think long and hard about this before even considering children with him. 4) He will have to give his ex some 'say' as to what happens in your house as she has custody and the final say since there is not formal parenting plan. This does not mean FDH can't put in his own 2 cents as well, but I'm here to tell you that this is unavoidable. She will be a part of your life and its best you come to terms with that now. Even as the wife of the CP who has raised my SD since she was 5 we bend and twist around the ex. Your gut twists too, but you learn to cope. . . . or you don't and it eats you up. Their family may be gone as you said, but their mutual obligation to their son isn't. 5) Time off with son. This is a hard one as I go both ways. I don't think FDH should be told he can't take time off with his son, but I also understand you are excited about this marriage and want to celebrate that on a honeymoon with your new husband. Perhaps if cash is such an issue now you take a mini honeymoon for half the planned time and then do something with FSS for a day or two> In a year when the finances settle down take a honeymoon for your first anniversary. I understand YOU want this trip, but what does FDH want? Compromise . . . Whew. Time to get back to work. Food for thought . . . .

Yes, a house is a very powerful concept, and thus, can be so frightening to us, like a house that is uninhabited anymore and is slowly decaying; or a house that feels like it's inhabited by souls of dead; or a house that reminds of a tragedy You know this ghost town, Bodie, in Sierra Nevada? You can go and visit there..had mines, gold and others..was abandoned in thirties, by its population or whatever left of it, rather abruptly. You can still see their school and church and houses, with things covered with years-long dust..Fascinating, yes, but it was extremely gloomy and unsettling ..also high up in the mountains and the sun was setting..very lonely, it felt. The most sad pictures I ever saw on the subject are the Chernobyl and Pripyat ones..the people who lived there were evacuated in the middle of the night..left everything behind. There are still dolls and books and clothes..but everything is empty, everything is poisoned too, no hope for the next hundreds of years..the woods are taking over, the buildings decaying..books and dolls and people's stuff..but no people. I'm especially sensitive to that subject since I was in Kiev at the time of the explosion..I was a young girl so I didn't realize how huge the tragedy is..but oh I remember so very well how the dear lying two faced damn government didn't say anything to their citizen and tried to, you know, sweep everything under the cover as per their custom..we knew the night it happened by a mere chance-my older brother flew from his university to be with us for his spring vacation, and the drive fro the airport to the city is an hour usually..he spent 8 or 9 hours in that taxi because the highway stood, and the cab driver told him "They say Chernobyl station blew up so they send firefighters there and it's a huge mess". So when he was finally home he told us. All the others were told after all the other radio and TV stations in the world caught on it and the government felt already uncomfortable like they should say something too. After they held their First May Parade, exposing thousands upon thousands of people with their kids, lilac blossoming and all, like nothing had ever happened. Then took them two more weeks to decide to evacuate schools. And yes we didn't get it as awful like Pripyat of course but we got it bad. I was sent to my relatives to a different city; they took this geiger counter(had one at work) next to me to see what's going on with my clothes and stuff..well the counter couldn't count because the arrow went off scale. The amount of people with problems that are haunting them since.. Of course whoever was there in the first place putting that fire off-dead, very soon. Goes without saying. It felt differently then I was a little girl. I was too little to really fully get it. I had a longer than usual summer with all sorts of adventures because so many kids were sent away there was not enough space sometimes to fit them all, so everybody got creative..And people as usual battling bad stuff with humor invented tons of dark jokes about radiation, some were actually pretty funny. But now when I see these pictures of city abandoned that people will never come to again, and no prayers will help, it hits me because now I understand. A house is a shelter, materials put together, clay and wood and iron and whatever. Us, people-we are the ones who give it meaning. We make it. We live there. It's alive only and because of us. And that's why this profound feeling of loneliness and sadness and sometimes of a doom when there is a house with no people. And no promise of people. and no hint of a promise.

Definitely a leak. We suspect either the shower pan or the exterior faucet. Drywall simply gives way in one area and you can see a small hole that was easily made with removal of the baseboard. Home warranty now only covers major structural issues; systems coverage was for 2 years only. I am doubtful that insurance will cover either, as water damage is covered if caused by an instantaneous event, and if this has been a slow leak then it is probably not covered. We do not have a handyman or GC, but I guess we have to hire one now. A GC, I mean. Unfortunately our schedule will not allow us to begin repair work for a few more weeks. For now, we are using the showers upstairs and this bathroom is pretty much off limits and on hold. I have to try not to stress about this, although I want my bathroom back ASAP. DH did say that if there is significant work to be done (like tearing out the shower), then it's time to start thinking about redoing it exactly as I want it. (We bought this house new but were unable to select the finishes as it stood completed already.) I don't really want to think about a big redo, but maybe it will somehow be a blessing in disguise.