Now MacBirch If you are going to insult politicians do it properly.....How do you stop a politician from drowning? Take your foot off his head!
MQ good one you restored my faith in Dog

Do you remember venetian blinds? Weren't they a pain to clean? But if it hadn't been for venetian blinds it would have been curtains for all of us.

Sparaxis I had to come in from a hard day at work and read THAT! (well done that would come close to the worst one yet.)

Here's one from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (very, very lame). I've sort of forgotten the details, but I think I remember most of it:

A journalist, a statitician and a mathematician are on a train to Scotland. On the way, the three look out the window and see a brown cow. The journalist says 'Ah, the cows in Scotland are brown'. The statitician says, 'No, there is at least one cow in Scotland that is brown.' And the mathematician says 'No, there is at least one cow in Scotland, of which at least one side appears to be brown.'

That's it. I did say it was lame.

Lame ones fit in well on this thread Saintin, well done!
BTW Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teachers!

Q. What's big and red and eats rocks?
A. A big red rock eater.

This man was having delusions...he imagined he was a famous psychoanalyst... His psychiatrist asked him to describe the problem...."well you see Doctor "began the man"It all happened when I was Jung....."

What happened to the sailer when he fell into the Red Sea?

He got wet.

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm becoming invisible!"

"Who said that?"

A man goes to the doctor complaining of bad dreams. 'Some nights I dream I'm a tee pee and other nights I dream I'm a wig wam. What's wrong with me?" "Don't worry" said the doctor "you're just two tents"

Cheers, Jules

Why does a milking stool only have three legs ?

the cow has the udder.

Q. What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?

A. An udder failure.

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a waffle?

A. A woofle.

Q. What's a crocodile's favourite game?

A. Snap.

Can you tell it's Xmas bon-bon time? Those jokes were terrible...

Did you hear about that Texan cowboy? He went to town wearing a paper hat, a paper shirt and paper trousers and got arrested! ...For rustling.

Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?

A. they both drop their needles.

I thought I'd forgotten the elephant jokes and now it's all coming back to me ....Here's the worst joke handed around the family to groans - A publican lived with his wife and his dog, and after the pub called last orders, the publican always let his dog out for a run. One night, the eager dog got hius tail accidentally caught in the door, and it broke off. The poor dog died of fright. The next night, the publican said to his wife, in bed, "I can hear our dog scratching at the door. I'll go and let him in." She replied - "No, it's not the dog, it's something evil, don't go." "But I must", he replied, and went downstairs, and opened the door. A pale, ghostly dog stood on the doorstep. "What do you want?" the publican asked. "Can I have my tail back, please?" the dog replied. "No, I can't do that. You see, I'm not allowed to retail spirits after closing time". Aaaaaaagh.

Here's a contribution from hubby - A class from the local school went on an excursion. Unfortunately, the driver ran over a hare. He got out of the bus, checked it was dead, and pushed it onto the grass verge. An RSPCA van pulled up, and an angry attendant climbed out. 'Hey You, what do you think you're doing with that poor hare?' "Well, it's dead, so I got it off the road", replied the driver. "I'll be the judge of that", the RSPCA attendant said, and picked up the lifeless hare, and laid the body in the back of the van. He took out a bottle, and gave the hare an injection from it. The hare's little heart began beating, it opened its eyes, stood up, and ran swiftly into the field. "What on earth was that? What did you give the hare? What's in that bottle?' the driver exclaimed. "This? This is a bottle of hair restorer". And he drove away.

Well done fairy vic 2 of the WORST! well up to our standard on this thread. Good groaning material. pam

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

Why is a pea small and green? If it was big and red it would be a fire engine.

Whats green and stands in the corner at Christmas? A naughty frog.

An old lady lived with her parrot, and one day, she rang up the plumber. He promised he'd go straight around to her flat, so she sat and waited and waited. After a while, she decided to make a quick trip to the shops. The plumber arrived after she'd left, and he knocked on the door. "Who is it?" the parrot called out. "It's the plumber", he replied. "Who is it?" the parrot called out. "It's the plumber", he replied. "Who is it?" the parrot called out. "It's the plumber." he replied. Finally, an hour later, in a state of anguish and exhaustion, the plumber dropped to the floor and died. The old lady returned, and said to the parrot, "Who is it?" The old parrot looked at her, and said "It's the plumber".

Hmmm Fairy vic dead dogs dead hares dead plumbers, whats next?

Hi Young Quinn - there's always the one about the dead budgie but I thought that one was out of this league.

An elderly lady was having carpet laid in her house, and took the time to go shopping so she wouldn't be underfoot while the carpet layers worked. The guys were almost finished when one noticed a small lump under the carpet in one corner. Thinking that it probably wasn't worth pulling up the carpet to fix, he gave the lump a bit of a bang with a hammer, jumped up and down on it a few times and when he was reasonably satisfied that it looked flat, they went about the job of putting the furniture back in place, just finishing as the elderly lady arrived home with her shopping and in a bit of a flap. She had remembered that she had left her budgie out of his cage and was concerned that he may have exited the house in her absence. She asked the carpet layers "Has anybody seen my budgie?"..........

There wewre these 2 fish in a tank.....One said to the other " You drive, Ill man the gun.

There was a little old lady who lived alone, with only her budgie as her companion. The plumber came to fix the sink with a lot of hammering and banging, so she decided to go out shopping. The plumber, when she had left, walked over to the budgie's cage, and chatted to it, but to his horror, the budgie was a dead as a doornail. With quick thinking, he realised his customer would be terribly upset, and likely to blame his banging and hammering for giving the budgie a heart attack. Swiftly, he drove to the nearest pet shop, and brought back a dead ringer for the deceased, and carefully swapped the budgies over, popping the ex-budgie, wrapped in yesterday's newspaper,into the garbage, and waited for the budgie's owner. The old lady returned, went straight over to the cage, dumbfounded, and the plumber thought he'd got the wrong colour. "'Tis a miracle! I left my dear old budgie dead and stiff as a board and now look at him! Chattering away as if he was ten years younger!".

Speaking of little old ladies has reminded me of this oneWARNING VERY BAD TASTE JOKE FOLLOWING ... this little old lady lived alone and the highlight of her week was the sayurday visit from her Minister. She always had a bag of almonds to present to him which he accepted gtatefully. Finally his conscience got the better of him...and one saturday he said to her"I really cant continue to accept these almonds from you as they are very expensive" she replied "Please dont worry as they are a weekly gift from my nephew and with my false teeth they are af no use to me.ONCE I HAVE SUCKED THE CHOCOLATE OFF YOU ARE WELCOME TO THEM"

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush"

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL thud! (me falling off my chair laughing at that one, even DH hadnt heard it) Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who had 2 sons? Hose and HoseB.

An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. "Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American. "Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Groan you should have quit while you were ahead!!!!!!!It will take a lot to top the HAM BUSH!

Quit while you are ahead? That's something no body can do...

Speaking of body parts..... I would give my right arm to be amidextrous...

A man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm and asks "Do you have any fish cakes?"

"Sorry sir, we've sold right out"

"That's a shame, it was his birthday!"

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge asked," What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Q: Why do mice have such small balls?

A: So few of them know how to waltz.

3 pieces of string walk into a bar and sit down for a drink. The first piece of string walks to the bar and says "3 beers please" the barman says we dont serve string here. Piece of string tells his mates. Another piece of string decides to try, so he ties a loop around his neck and ruffles his "hair" goes to the bar and says"3 beers please" the barman eyes him suspiciously and asks"arent you a piece of string?" to which the string replies No Im a frayed knot!.

This one is very bad taste - you have been warned! :)

A man was coming home from a long day at work when he got a call on his cell phone.
When he answered, a doctor informed him that his wife was involved in a serious accident and he should come to the hospital immediately.
When he arrived, he greeted the doctor and asked, "How bad is she?"
He replied, "Well, not good. She's in a consistent vegetative state that she will never come out of. And your insurance only covers her for ten days, so after that, you're on your own."
The man begins to cry. Then he asks, "How am I going to pay for all of the medications and equipment?"
The doctor said, "Well unless you have a hundred thousand tucked away somewhere, you are probably going to have to sell your home and live in a trailer and work two jobs to pay for the qualified nurses who will have to take care of her."
The doctor looks at the man, who is now sobbing at his feet, and says, "Got 'ya - I'm just kidding. She's dead."

______________________________________

I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
A Fottle", I replied.
What else do you have?"

A folding carton."
What do you call it?"
A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.

Someone sent me these in an email so thought I'd share them here.

Puns for Intellectuals

1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Herefords into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much ---- and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage ---- you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal". The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused, so the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (More apologies...) -- A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... There was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!

Very good goldhills for some reason no 5 really tickled my funny bone! maybe when we get to 100 we should have the annual bad joke /pun awards!

Forgive me!!

There were two zoos and as luck would have it they were right across the road from one another. The zoo keepers were always in competition for Sister Mary Francis' first grade class.

The first zoo keeper imported a big and fierce lion from darkest Africa. Sister's class was delighted to go see the lion shake it's mane and roar and roar.

Not to be outdone, the second zoo keeper imported a couple of Bengal tigers from India. And the first graders were now entranced by the orange and black cats slow and graceful movements.

This went on, year after year, the lion became old and staid, the tigers didn't do much but lay around all day.

Then the first zoo keeper built a big pool and brought in a porpoise show. At first Sister and her class were delighted with the clever antics of the acrobatic porpoises...until...they began to become...errr...a bit friendly with one another...becoming downright immoral...right there in the tank. The zoo keeper dashed off to the vet to find out what to do to stop this. Just then...the lion escaped, so Sister and her class were trapped in the porpoise show, forced to observe the debauchery.

The vet tells the keeper that the only thing to calm down the porpoises would be a dead gull. So the keeper gets one and rushes back to the show only to find the old lion laying across the entrance. Hearing the chitters of delight from the porpoises and the cries of horror from Sister, he gently, carefully steps over the lion and is immediately arrested for:

"Crossing a staid lion with a gull for immoral porpoises"

One Christmas morning the vet answers the phone to a distressed voice saying "It's Mr. Christmas here." She starts to laugh - yeah, sure, haha.
A gruff voice at the other end of the phone starts explaining that his pregnant donkey is in the stable .....
more laughter ....
The donkey is having great difficulties foaling ....
laughter becoming somewhat silly by now, helped along by an early morning glass of champers.
Several hours later .... one very tired vet .... one not too happy Mr.C because the pony stallion next door had jumped the fence and his donkey some 11 months earlier, and one caesarian sectioned donkey quite the worse for wear.

So much for all those friends who used to ring us on Christmas morning reporting Emu's up gum trees, reindeers with red noses, partridges stuck in pear trees, etc.
This time the joke was on us. True story :-)

Mr A. "Did you know that Lions have sex four times a day?"

Mr B. "Oh b*$$@r - I just joined Apex!"

(Insert groan here.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

This one tickled my funny bone....

At the funeral of a very old gentleman, the funeral director was talking to the frail little old widow.
After extending his condolences, he asks her how old her husband had been?
She replies: "He was 98 on his last birthday".
"Goodness", replied the funeral director. "That's a good age. and may I ask how old you are?"
"96 years old last week" she says.
Then, looks him straight in the eye and adds "Hardly worthwhile going home, is it?"

I like it. Found this one, and several others, yesterday when I was looking for gardening jokes for school.

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them.
An ambulance rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the carrot who had been anxiously awaiting news.
"Tell me Doc, how is he?"
The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is he's going to live.
The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Confucious say, "woman who cooks carrots and peas on same pot very unsanitary".

What do you call a one legged woman? Eilene

What do you call a man with both legs amputated? Neil

Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

An elderly lady went down to the hardware store wanting a teaspoon each of red, yellow and blue paint.
She was told by the Shopkeeper "Sorry madam you have to buy the whole can."
The old lady pleaded for a small amount because her pension doesn't go far enough to buy 3 cans of paint.
The shopkeeper agreed providing she tell him what the paint was for.

The old lady replied "I get tired of the parrot being the same colour so I want to spruce him up a bit."
"You can't do that." The shopkeeper replied "you will kill the parrot."

The lady replied "No, it's OK I have done this many times."

A few days later the shopkeeper saw the lady in the street and asked "How did you get on with the parrot?"

"Oh, it died" she said.

"I told you so" replied the shopkeeper. "You cannot paint a live parrot."

The lady replied "It wasn't the paint that killed the parrot, it was when I used too much heat with the blow torch trying to get the old paint off."

Same parrot joke only she wanted a rasp to file the birds claws. It wasn't the rasp that killed the parrot, it was holding the bird in the vice.

And the groaner.

Out in a field there was two flowers, Mummy Daisy and Baby Daisy.
Baby Daisy looks up to Mummy Daisy and asks "Mummy Daisy, how did I get here?"
Mummy Daisy looks down lovingly to Baby Daisy and says "The stork (stalk) brought you."

Doug.