I think you have a right to be disappointed. Has he always been this way about Christmas?
What does he do for your birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day?
I suppose my response would be determined by your answers to my questions.

I think you need to go with him when he goes on his trips....

Funding stops us from doing all the things you can do...

But we have much laughter and enjoy what we can....

Denny gets upset when he can't get for me what he would like to buy...but I think what we have is worth much more.

Tell him what you really want for Christmas is to spend it with him...

Unless that isn't what you want.

patti

Wow. I am NOT the one to be giving "husband" advice at this moment, but I can certainly understand your feelings since it's just the two of us here and we also have few real needs/wants. My DH does really get into Christmas, especially the shopping, which I would much rather do online.

I think the trip sounds like a wonderful idea. I was thinking the other day how DH and I should consider doing something like that next year.

My hubby is among the world's worst at buying gifts for specific occasions. We've been together 24 years, and oh! boy! it would be so nice to have a wonderfully thoughtful spouse who knows me so very well that he could (and WOULD!) bop down to the store three weeks ahead of time, and select something just perfect. But the reality is ... that's just not my guy. Evidently it's not yours, either.

I'm sorry that your husband's actions are disappointing you this Christmas. Since the two of you are admittedly not religious, it seems to me that the holiday has become jsut another reason to give a gift. And from the sounds of it, neither one of you are happy/pleased/content with that.

It's going to take some effort from at least one of you, to find some joy in the season ... and it might just be too late for this year. But you can start paying attention to what other people are doing, and make notes about things that sound interesting, for the future. If you know that traveling is a good thing, then you're right, plan a trip!

Good luck to you, I hope the holiday passes quickly for you, so that you can get back into the rhythm of your daily life.

MEN! What can do you do with them :) For my 50th b-day my DH got me 'nothing'! When I was opening gifts the kids asked where his gift was he said I just did not know what to buy your mom!! SHEESH!!! Look around my house can you not tell what I like!!

I just always remember 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'. Helps me get over it :) Gotta love em'

"It's going to take some effort from at least one of you, to find some joy in the season..."

That might be true...let me tell you how you can find joy, or at least how I found joy over the past year. And the following is why we chose to have a very meaningful holiday, and I don't mean the type of holiday where we just buy gifts to buy gifts. We're focusing on the real meaning of the season.

We found joy in the fact that DH was diagnosed with bladder cancer this past March, underwent surgery and chemotherapy, and is expected to live a long and healthy life.

We found joy in our DS coming home after being more or less estranged from us for almost 5 years.

We have a home filled with love, peace, and happiness.

And that is priceless.

Put my name on Stoney and Lunchlady's post! We gave grandkids their gifts Thursday because they were going to be with their mom for Christmas. I told DH he could open his gifts then but he said he would wait.I told him earlier this evening that he might as well open them because we aren't having anything special Christmas day.I didn't even put up a tree.He didn't want to because,"he didn't know what to get me and didn't get me anything"(his words).I didn't expect anything because he had already bought me a canister Vacuum for the travel trailer a couple of weeks ago.The 3 things I got him were not originally intended for Christmas.It was Nascar stuff for his room that I would have ordered anyway and just decided since it was so close to Christmas I'd just wait and give it to him then.WE haven't traded Christmas gifts the last 3 years because we couldn't afford it and spent what we could spare on the grands.He has never been one to surprise me with something,always had to tell him or hint to him what I wanted.That doesn't bother me a bit either.That's just the way he is.
Uxorial-It seems from what you say that this has always been the norm with your DH so I don't see why it is suddenly a problem?? At least he went shopping and tried to get what you wanted.Maybe he ordered it because that way he knew you would get what you "ordered" and not because it was the easy way out for him? I'd give him a break!LOL

I can't give hubby advice either since I am not married but I think I would be disappointed.

I think next year plan a nice trip for you both and maybe your DH will leave Scrooge behind at home.. Could you go with him on his trip out of town this time so you won't be alone?

Hugs

Anne

After 17 years, or long before that actually, I would think you would be surprised if he did anything different. There are several other posts running now that we are in the Holiday season referring to men who don't seem to be too good at shopping, knowing what wives want, or going out and finding just the right thing.

There must be something different this year that has affected you. Do the two of you really communicate? There is no communication unless there is a response; otherwise it is just conversation.

Is it business that will have him be away? Go with him. I often went with my DH when he had to be out of town. That gave us free time in a different locale.

Obviously "gifts" aren't important, I believe there is something missing that gifts can not replace. Sounds like you are just going in different directions. Time for some heart-to-heart discussions I would think.

I'm just thinking out loud here.

Sue

Why do men get a "get out of jail free" card for this gift-giving thing? Is it because they pretend to be too inept to figure out how to buy their beloved wife a small token for holidays? This is such a puzzle to me. Women have so much heaped on them - especially at the holidays - and YET we would never DREAM of telling our significant others the kind of thing that they're free to tell US (about gifts).

If a man possesses the skill-set to hold down a job, then he also has the skills to strategize and plan and be forward-thinking enough to anticipate that he needs to produce a gift for his wife on December 25th.

For 24 years, I lived with a man (husband, actually) who was constantly surprised that my birthday kept recurring each year on July 4th and yet he could never figure out how to buy me a gift for that birthday, unless I told him what I wanted, where to buy it, and then reminded him ten times before the date. Now that's a lot of fun . Christmas was much the same, until my nine-year-old daughter stepped in and helped her father.

And I know it's not just me, because I see it in my friends' lives, too. Very frustrating.

Rose

Well, you will all attack me ,but you already said you have everything and can buy a new car if you want,maybe he just doesnt realize you really want something so much. If he is a good provider,doesnt cheat on you,he is in good health and you are both having a safe healthy Christmas,count yourself blessed and realize not everyone is as fortunate as you are!

I think that working at the jewelry store has really zapped a lot of my Christmas spirit. So many men come into the store during the last week before Christmas and just buy anything they can find. I ask if she wears white or yellow gold, what month was she born (birthstone) or if she has pierced ears....."I don't know" is the normal answer. Some just tell us how much they have to spend and to wrap something up for that price....isn't that fun?

I need to get myself back to church regularly, that always filled my heart during the holidays, I miss it.

Of course it's not about the actual gift. It's the thought that counts!

Oh, wait a minute. There was no thought. That's what would bother me, not not getting 'stuff'. That's your point, too, right?

Caroline1947, this absolutely isn't an attack. Regarding your post, yes, she is very, very fortunate. Many people don't have the things in their marriage that you've pointed out (good provider, doesn't cheat, good health, etc.) and would be thrilled to. But expending a little effort at special times to show caring and thoughtfulness would indicate that he's not lazy, uncaring, and taking the easy way out.

Men! :0)

Okay, I may be completely off base here, but I'm getting the feeling that he's buying something, just anything, so that he is simply doing his duty. He could have told you not to open the gifts and you'd celebrate opening them together after he returns from his trip and has wrapped them for you.

It's not about how he feels about Christmas; it's about how you feel about Christmas and he should care enough to do something that pleases you. But he's not, though, is he?

And why doesn't he care enough to make the effort? You don't mention whether you have a close marriage relationship or whether it's based on "things". Does he try to make you feel special throughout the rest of the year? or are you just there to run the house and fix meals?

Does he travel a lot and do you feel alone all of the time?

And, I'm sorry to mention this, I guess I'd have to wonder if his Christmas spirit isn't elsewhere.

No one can take away your disappointment, no matter what we (or your DH) thinks. It's OK to be disappointed; however, you probably need to discuss these feelings with your DH to be sure he realizes how much this means to you.

DH and I have been married 7 1/2 years and in our mid-50's. We decided about 3 years ago that the holiday was more about celebrating our time together. No gifts... because we can afford to buy what we need throughout the year. On the 25th DH's family will be here for dinner. ON the 29th, my family comes for dinner.

On January 5th, we leave with 6 friends for vacation to celebrate *together*! Even if we could not afford the trip, we have agreed to take time off work AFTER the holidays to celebrate togetherness.

To me, it's not about the gifts; never has been. I've lost too many close family members and friends way before their time. I need to celebrate togetherness.

Enjoy the season in your own way!

Why do people put so much expectation on presents at Christmas?

I married a Jewish fella, and he had no concept of "Christmas". So I made Christmas for myself. I put up a tree every year, put out my Christmas villages and decorate the windows with lights. I sit down in the evening with a glass of wine and enjoy the atmosphere.

Over the years my husband has come to look forward to the decorations and the happiness it gives me. But we don't do presents, and I have found it no loss at all. We do things for each other during the year, without obligation or expectation. Now I just sit back and watch as people get crazy this time of year looking for things to buy.

Our one Christmas tradition that we give ourselves each year is a Christmas breakfast in a favoriate Jewish deli. LOL!

If your husband really doesn't care about Christmas, make it for yourself. Enjoy the decorations and the peace of the season, and let go of the present thing. Disappointment comes from expectation. If you stop expecting you won't be disappointed.

And please release him from the obligatory present giving. Mona's right - he sees this more as a duty than a pleasure, and whats the point in that? If he doesn't HAVE to, you might both be able to be more relaxed and happy over the season.

I'd rather have him give me something from the list of things I gave him, than just go buy me something so everyone can say
"Oh look, how thoughtful he is..." no one should be forced into being something they aren't, and if it's already been this way for 17 years why would you expect it to be any different now?
My DH doesn't "buy" me a gift to wrap either, but he will say, order/buy something you want/need for a craft you want to do. He will get himself something for his computer the same way. You get what you really want, noone is stressed, and the environmental impact of extra trash is lessened.
You say you have everything you want or need, so just enjoy life! Maybe take a little and do something for someone else that is not as fortunate.

Uxorial-It seems from what you say that this has always been the norm with your DH so I don't see why it is suddenly a problem??

I understand that part. Sometimes it is a matter of things just grinding on us year after year until we reach a breaking point. Other times it is that our priorities (or feelings) change, and we want them to change along with us. I totally understand that... :-)

But he's such a scrooge! He really doesn't care about Christmas, so he figures I feel the same way. (Neither of us is religious, so that certainly doesn't enter into it.)

So, for you, the special thing about Christmas is all about the gifts?

Why don't you just tell him that it's very important for you to get things on Christmas day.

No advice--just a hug! If it makes you feel better I was reading an article in the paper this morning about the worst gifts people received. I think the worst of the worst was the man who gave his wife a weedeater for a gift. She thought it was a joke until he took it outside and started using it. When asked about it he said, "Well, I needed one so I bought it for her." Then he laughed. Boy, if that was my husband, he would've gotten a pair of beautiful diamond earrings next Christmas.

You have a lot to be thankful for. Telling you that to think of all the families without a home, or losing their homes because a business closed and income has changed with a foreclosure in process, or women going through a divorce have no money for the children for Christmas, or those that have no one is not going to change how you feel. Sometimes we need to look around and you won't have to look far to see some one in a worse situation.
Perhaps during the year you could do a list of things you really like but do not need and the store you saw it at. Give the list to your husband in November where on a trip or at home and out he comes across one or more of those things where it is his choice as to what he buys and will be a surprise to you. I agree that letting him know how it hurts is a good idea. Sometimes men don't have the slightest idea about feelings.
I hope you find something to lift your spitits not just now but throughout the year.
Lynn

I take this to be something that means a lot to you and really don't think you should change that. I would be disappointed, too, unless he does kind things and gifts throughout the year. Maybe Christmas is a pressure he doesn't work with very well, but I think you gave him plenty of time, plus the list. Like you, I would feel he could do it and do it timely because I should be worth at least that to him. It's a matter of consideration. Never would I release my husband from buying me a Christmas gift unless he doesn't believe in Christmas. If you both agreed not to buy gifts ahead of time, then that's different.

Now if this were my hubs, he would have actually gone out and bought all sorts of stuff for me that I want, but would pretend he couldn't find anything, so I'd be surprised as all get-out on Christmas.

Uxorial: term for men who love wives to excess; one who is submissive to wife can be referred to as "uxorial".

Frequent lurker here, extremely rare poster, but I'm always saddened by those who's happiness is somehow couched solely in having others provide it for them. And if it's a business trip, perhaps that's the reason there's a nice house, jewelry, a birdbath, and the ability to purchase a car on the spot.

I'm always reminded of a friend who - either out of nostalgia for things that once might have been or in reality never were, or just outright hope - continuously plans the "perfect Christmas". Every year, her children find a way to disappoint her - by not being overly attentive, unexpectedly adding a new boyfriend to the mix, not being able to spend the entire day, eating and running to fulfill other obligations. It's always something. This has been an object lesson - not to set expectations at the lowest common denominator to insure not being disappointed, but to set realistic expectations and be satisfied with smaller joys.

The older I get, the less caught up in the holidays I become and, although this season is truly special, I cannot get too wrapped up in all the hoolpa and hype. My once large family is getting smaller; gift giving and getting is an extremely low priority since, like the OP, most of us are blessed with the luxury of financial security and of having everything we need and want in the way of material goods. When some of us get the chance to be together, it's enough to raise a glass to those who can't be with us. And we get on with our lives.

Many things become more acute at this time of the year; our senses are battered with all things commercial; programs mapping out setting the perfect holiday table, the perfect food, the perfect decorations, the must-have gifts from stores opening at 3 AM.

Then life happens!

I really feel sorry for you if your Christmas will be one-sided in watching your husband open the gifts you thoughtfully purchased for him in a timely manner, and yours from him will be opened alone as they drift in. I hope this gives you the opportunity to think about a few things and how important they really are - and without anger or frustration or disappointment.

O.K., this is going to sound harsh, but it's coming from someone who lives alone, and has for a long time, and makes less than $25,000 a year.

You have a fabulous home, jewelry, money, and can go on extravagant vacations a couple of times a year, and you're complaining about what? That your gifts will be late?

I'm not getting any gifts, because my kids are working their tails off to survive, so I told them not to get me anything. It's much more important to me that they are happy.

So if you live in the circumstances you say, and that's the ONLY problem you have...you have no problems!

Wanna buy ME a car? Mine is 15 years old, has peeling paint, tips in the upholstery, and BARELY gets me to work every day.

Oh, and while you're shipping me the car, put your hubby in the front seat. I'll show him what it's like to be appreciated.

That was supposed to be "rips" in the upholstery ^^^^^

(((a big ole hug)))...next year...plan a vacation...and tell your scrooge NOOOO GIFTS!! then you wont be disappointed...I've learn not to expect nuttin and so anything I get is a surprise! I'm like you...I go out and get what I want...when I want...

i'm so lucky...

Well, mine went out for cigarettes and never came back

that was a long time ago.

We all are, Susan. Some people just don't recognize it.

You know, he still has a day to shop. Must he get you the gifts you told him to buy for you? Or can't he find something else to be able to give you something on Christmas too?

I personally love seeing what my husband is able to scrounge up by doing his last minute shopping every year. And, giving him ideas would just take away the fun. I'm usually pleasantly surprised with what he comes up with. Send your hubby out tomorrow. Tell him you want something under the tree. See what he comes up with on his own... A gift shouldn't be something you pick out and tell him to get you anyway especially if you have money to burn and don't have to worry about every dollar spent.

And, is any one other than me, wondering exactly how junkyardgirl is going to show uxorial's husband he's appreciated in the front seat of some car?

I completely understand how you feel and can sympathize with you, Uxorial. Vent away!

ONE TIME, and only one time, did I feel like that on an anniversary when Woody made zero effort to make me feel like he was happy to have married me. It was one of those days when our anniversary fell on Mother's Day and was also a busy day for him in the volunteer fire dept. He honored his mother with a card, gift and breakfast out, and my mother with a card and gift, and the fire dept that day with his presence at a parking lot fund raiser, but not me, no anniversary card even. And I was pretty crushed by it and he knew it when my eyes filled with tears but my mouth kept saying "it's OK, it's OK." (I was lying, I was really hurt.) And he never let it happen again, for anything.

I make sure to thank him for the big things AND the little things he does, like last week when I was telling him I needed to find a big snail shell for a project. A few days later he got all excited and ran down to his truck and came back up with a snail shell that he found at the archery range, perfect for my project, but what really surprised me was that he listened and remembered what I had said and he made it happen for me. That probably made me feel more loved than a pair of diamond earrings. I love when he does stuff like that. (He brought me a baby snapping turtle that he rescued from the street once, too, I love gifts like that!) lol

So I KNOW what you're feeling and I commiserate with you. I'm sorry you're not getting that from him RIGHT NOW, but it doesn't mean it won't happen sometime in the future. Just let him know you love him and appreciate the things he DOES do, and perhaps that will foster more of those good feelings/favors in the future.

Also, if your DH is anything like Woody, he'd rather yank out a tooth than shop, so factor that in, too! lol

Flamey, just read your anniversary story and I have tears in my eyes. Most of us have been hurt/disappointed like that, and we can still remember those feelings.

Woody sounds like a caring, considerate man (who learned from his one mistake) lol! Give him a big [[[[hug]]]

Let's see ...

... it's Christ's birthday (well, said to be so, but whether it really is or not is rather questionable) ...

.. but we've worked it out so that we get the gifts.

Talk about a con job!

Human beings are masters at developing those!

I hope that you all have a lovely Christmas.

If I learn of something that a friend would like and will use, I may well get it for him/her, at whatever time of the year.

But I've not been giving a major amount of gifts increasingly in recent years, making increased amounts of gifts to charities, instead ... which I've told my friends, most of whom appreciate the sentiment. Or say that they do.

And I don't need much, and would feel rather sad if someone gave me a rather expensive gift (or one less so, for that matter) that I had a hard time figuring out how I'd make appropriate use of it.

It takes precious resources, plus scarce energy, to build stuff ...

... that isn't going to be appreciated (or only marginally so).

Those are luxuries that we felt that we could indulge ourselves in earlier, but now it's getting increasingly difficult to justify.

How can we, who have three cars in our driveway and about 27 appliances, justify chastising the Chinese (and others) for being unwilling to cut their production of pollutants and greenhouse gases, when they have about one car for 300 homes ... and millions hope for two appliances ... a fridge and a TV .... yes, and a cell phone, as well.

ole joyful

Na, don't be upset, maybe a little disappointed, but even that one "not really".

You know him, and thus could expect his actions. Like someone else said, make Christmas for yourself the way you like it.

I do, EVERY year, and this year without presents exchanged between Jerry and I.

We bought new mattresses a few weeks ago, and needed a chainsaw cause of the ice storm, and agreed, that will be our Christmas! Well, other than the fact both daughters plus one son in law are here.

So far, we are having a BLAST just being together.

But, once again, it's a Christmas the way I wanted it.

:)

Moni

"This has been an object lesson - not to set expectations at the lowest common denominator to insure not being disappointed, but to set realistic expectations and be satisfied with smaller joys."

How true is that very sage advice. Small joys can be worth more than anything.
And the joy from giving outweighs the joy of receiving. Remember that and you will always feel blessed.

I apologize for not getting back to this thread sooner--I was sick all day yesterday and barely got off the couch. (Maybe that's why I was so cranky when I originally started this thread!)

I do want to thank all of you for posting your sympathies, thoughts, and suggestions. I know this is a busy time for everyone, and I truly appreciate your responses.

Let me start by saying that I really do know how lucky I am, and not just because we have material possessions. I come from a "broken" home as they used to call it, grew up on welfare, married an abusive jerk who threatened to kill me more than once, have lived on minimum wage and driven a junky car, and know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck. I didn't write this post to whine about how my husband doesn't provide for me or buy me expensive gifts. On the contrary, I'm not high maintenance (most of my clothes are hand-me downs or from Target), and I don't care whether he buys me expensive gifts or inexpensive gifts. Like they say, it's the thought that counts. And that's my point.

Last week when my sister was visiting, he mentioned at least twice that he "didn't get me anything." She even asked him on the side if he was serious or just trying to "throw me off." His response was that he still had time. One day when my sister and I were getting ready to go to Wal-Mart, he said as we were leaving,"If you see anything you want, go ahead and get it." In other words, I should just buy my own gifts and save him the trouble. Then after he did go shopping on Friday, I got to hear about how frustrating it was, how all the stores have the same junk. Again last night he said this. If he had gone online two weeks ago when I gave him the list, he could have found everything in an hour or less. I guess what bugs me is that he sat on his arse playing xbox instead of at least seeing if what I wanted was available locally. He had plenty of opportunity to get me gifts that would be here on time, he just didn't bother.

Yes, he's always been this way at Christmas, but to varying degrees. As far as other holidays, he's inconsistent about those as well. Some years I get a birthday card and/or gift (didn't get either this year! not even a "happy birthday"), every few years I'll get a Valentine's day card and flowers, last year I got a beautiful water fountain for our anniversary, this year we went away for three days. I never know what to expect, so every year I just hope that this year will be different. Maybe you guys are right, I just should expect nothing!

(To those of you who are wondering about his out of town trip--he doesn't go on trips all the time. This week he's going to a friend's house to help him install kitchen cabinets. I was supposed to go along, but circumstances there changed and we can't take our dog, so now I'm staying home with our dog. We will be spending Christmas day together. Most of the year we are together 24/7.)

Several of you suggested that I "make my own Christmas." Well, that's what I've basically been doing for years. I do all the shopping (for his parents and my sister and BIL), wrapping, decorating, buying and sending cards. We have no children or family nearby, so our Christmas eve is just the two of us opening presents. I've tried to make Christmas not about gifts, but he just wants to forget about it entirely instead of developing our own traditions that don't involve gifts. A few years ago I asked him if we could go to this place in Portland that's all decorated and lit up, with different choral groups singing throughout the evening. He agreed, but he didn't want to go. It took a while to get there, there was no place to park, too many people, the singers we saw were horrible, he was bored. So I nixed that idea ever again. One year I booked a fancy hotel room for us, we had dinner, looked at the decorations, walked around some of the shops. I felt like I was dragging him along. We had an OK time, but it took me a lot of time to arrange it, and he just didn't seem to enjoy it very much. For years, I've wanted to go see the Christmas ships on the river, but unless I plan it a year in advance, it won't happen. If we don't buy each other gifts, and I don't put up a tree and decorate the house a little, Christmas will be just like any other day.

So that's why it really is the thought behind the gift that matters to me. Like bestlawn said, it's a matter of consideration. We didn't agree not to buy gifts. In fact, he emailed me his wish list on December 4th, so he knew I'd be getting gifts for him. When he asked me what I wanted, I told him I couldn't really think of anything. But after he asked two or three more times, I made up a list of things that he could get online or with a phone call (knowing he hates to shop). He still chose to go to the mall (while he wasn't feeling well) and then acted as if it was my fault he couldn't find the things I wanted at Target or Penney's. I tried to "release him from the obligatory present giving," but he kept asking. I guess after seeing my list, he decided he didn't want to be bothered.

Several of you have commented/implied that I should just be thankful for the things I have, be glad he's getting me anything, give money to charity, or just be glad I have a husband at all. I didn't mention the material things I have in order to compare myself to anyone else, whether they are more fortunate or less fortunate than I. And I'm not "complaining" about the things I have or will get. I merely wanted to illustrate the fact that acquiring things isn't important to me. What is important is the thought (or lack thereof) that goes into buying a gift. I guess I should have worded that part differently or omitted it completely.

Well, it will be interesting to see how the rest of the day goes. Maybe he really did get me something and I'm in for a big surprise!

Thanks again for letting me vent!

Merry Christmas everybody!

It's ok to vent and always expect the unexpected replies. I only have this to say If you really love the guy than just let all this stuff pass. It hurts but I guess we have to take them as they are.
Have a Merry Christmas anyway.
I think some people are just not the kind who think some things are important .

Like Dr. Phil says "What part of this do you not understand? The man is telling you what he thinks of you every day, with everything he does."

If you think living with someone who has no interest in the things that interest you, would rather play xbox than look for a gift for you, and wants you to buy your own present, then you get what you ask for, honey.

I may be crazy, but I can see from here that he doesn't have any respect for you at all. A man like that, no matter how much $$ he brings home, is not a husband. He's a bank account. If you stay with him, just start treating him like what he is, and see how quickly things change.

If you really love the guy than just let all this stuff pass. It hurts but I guess we have to take them as they are.

I hate to say it, but that is just laughable to me as if she has no worth whatever. Sorry, Minnie.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time this year. No matter what anyone says, those are your feelings and you have every right to have them.
I have no words of wisdom but lots of hugs.
I am not having an easy time this year either and despite the blessings I have there is a sadness in my heart.
God Bless!

Carla: LOL! Me, too! (wondering exactly how junkyardgirl is going to show uxorial's husband he's appreciated in the front seat of some car? tee hee)

Uxorial: I get it. He *knows* that Christmas is important to you. Why does he have to poop on your parade?

I think, as women, we are conditioned to make the people in our lives happy and we celebrate what is important to THEM. But sometimes (many times?) we would like what is important to us to be acknowledged, at the very least, and it hurts when it is taken for granted. Yup. Know what you mean.

As a post note, I "use" to feel guilty for being materialist at Christmas. As so many say 'remember the reason for the season.' But now, I've come to peace with the fact that Christmas means different things for different people and that is okay. I think it should be celebrated it for what it means to you.

I like the gift giving as my language of love is giving gifts. I put a lot of thought into the gifts whether it's to family or friends or charity. I don't give out of obligation or just because "I have to".

Christmas also makes me slow down and think of the people (or call them) that we don't see much anymore but our in our hearts.

Flamingo: Oh now, your dh is just so doggone sweet. He is listening to you, now that's something to celebrate!

Better get to bed. Santa will be here soon.

Merry Christmas to all!

BJ

I know that this isn't about things or whether or not you're 'lucky' compared to everyone else in the world. It's about consideration and caring...About being specially noticed and cherished by the person who's supposed to care about you most. I about hit the floor, when in a Bible study class, my d,dh said his 'love language' is gift giving. This is the man who, when he's gotten anything, got me an air compressor for the car and is infamous with our children for buying me CDs he wants. When I looked a bit shocked at his response at the Bible study, he said, "What? I love it when you get me gifts!" Obviously, I've modeled it, but now it's even 10 yrs after that night (plus 12 yrs of marriage before it) and he still doesn't 'get' the gift giving thing. We joke that he's a 'love language mute'...Can 'hear' gift giving language, but not express it. He just doesn't realize the joy of it, and it's a little sad...for us both, I think. It's not about a fancy or expensive gift...It's about knowing your spouse and realizing what will make him or her smile. But maybe that's just a 'woman thing,' because it seems to be a somewhat universal situation. In my dh's case, he came from a family of fairly selfish individuals who never bought/buy gifts for each other. In mine we loved to make and give things to each other...They were never expensive things, I can assure you.

We all know that this isn't life or death...But we can hurt a little sometimes and say so.

BTW, as Christians, we see Jesus as the greatest Gift, given out of love...and as God asks us to love one another, we give gifts to each other to simulate God's gesture to us. It can get out of hand, but the basic meaning is good.

In a way, I don't blame you for feeling disappointed; but in a way, it seems like you always put more into the Christmas gift-giving thing than your husband does. It seems rather "par for the course." So, yeah, you have every right to feel disappointed -- again -- but it doesn't seem like a valid reason to complain.

My husband has never been a good "fibber," so when he said he struck out getting gifts for me, I believed him. And the stories about how frustrating his shopping trip was made me think I was just going to get the things he ordered (late) online.

Boy, was I wrong. Man, am I an idiot.

Yesterday went fine and was our typical day--I did laundry and scrubbed the shower, he spread gravel on the trails, we walked the dog, had fun playing with her. About 3:00 we received two packages in the mail: one was a sweater for me from his mom, the other one he snatched out of my hands before I could see what it was, then he let me open it. It was one of the gifts he ordered online (but not on my list): a set of beautiful stone coasters with a Celtic knot design. They are really nice, and seeing as I've wanted new coasters for literally years (our others are ancient, chipped, and filthy), it was a very thoughtful gift.

Later on we opened the gifts his mom and my sister had sent, and he opened the gifts I bought him. We're having a lovely evening, playing with the cats, listening to music. He mentions again about my gifts that will arrive later this week. I joke that I'll wrap them up and then I'll have another Christmas when he gets back from our friend's house on Friday.

He goes out on the porch for a cigarette and a few minutes later hands me a card. (It turns out to be a funny card, but a card nonetheless.) We're still just sitting around talking and listening to a CD his mom bought him when he says, "You forgot to open that one." as he points to the top of the fireplace (I had my back to it.). Evidently he had the gift out on the porch and put it up there when he came in from smoking.

It's a small box, obviously jewelry, and now I'm really feeling like a schmuck, thinking about this post. I open it up, and it's a pair of sparkly, beautiful tanzanite earrings with a matching necklace! They are so pretty! He even upgraded the necklace chain from the one it came with to a nicer, more sparkly one!

He told me the story of his shopping excursion: he went to the mall to look for the things on my list, but couldn't find anything. But he wanted to get me something, so he went to the jewelry stores. Knowing I have wanted ruby earrings for years, he tried to find a nice pair, but they weren't good enough. All the jewelry salespeople tried to talk him into one of those two diamond necklaces you see advertised on TV (either the circle of diamonds or the squiggle-shaped one). But he didn't want to get me something that "every woman" has or wants. Striking out at the mall, he went to a local store and found the tanzanite jewelry.

Can I just say again, I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT!

Lindsey, out of all the people who responded to this thread (including me!), you were the only one who had it figured out: "Now if this were my hubs, he would have actually gone out and bought all sorts of stuff for me that I want, but would pretend he couldn't find anything, so I'd be surprised as all get-out on Christmas."

Merry Christmas everyone!

uxorial
AKA "the idiot"

I love Rhome410's answer. May I add all problems don't fit each person the same.

My FIL has bought about 3 gifts in all his 50 years of marriage. OH YES, he thinks he has bought several hundred times but that's because he said "buy something you like" to his wife about 97 times and yet she thinks 'he took the time to consider' the chair or the shoes or the lawn mower she had to buy herself a thoughtful gift . I wouldn't agree since she has had to go out and get them herself,, but she does and she is happy with her dh. She doesn't care that he won't shop (or cook, or clean the house, vehicle or mow the lawn for that matter). He's the bank account and he does love her for doing all that! (lol)

I think I've finally gotten through to my dh that I would rather have the "Snail shell" as Flamey talks about than the last second bath salts bought at the dollar store or the overpriced gift that has no thought of me in mind.

I had to laugh last night as we were opening gifts. The kids, dh and I often have a good chuckle at the Kays commercials. I would love for the dh to place a diamond necklace on me as I sleep or slip a nice pair of earrings into my palm, at a late night stop light. Yet, they tease me for my not so secret desire to be pampered in such a romantic way. I laugh right along with them because, truthfully I keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed. So I'm tickled to say MY GIRLS are romantics too! Last night they MADE me open my beautiful gift bag first, the one tied with huge gold and purple ribbons. They were so thrilled to see me pull out some jewelry cleaner, a jewelry cloth, AND a gorgeous diamond necklace just like on the commercial (you know the one that flamey thinks are yuggly ;). I sure had the last laugh! The girls were giddy with delight! What a nice surprise, not so much the quality of 7 small diamonds on a gold necklace but that they cared enough to take notice I would enjoy such a gift. Whether its a hand made school ornament or a gold necklace, they have been thoughtful and I am grateful. Of course their dad was a major part of this gift and I will have to thank him, very soon!

" But he didn't want to get me something that "every woman" has or wants. Striking out at the mall, he went to a local store and found the tanzanite jewelry."
He's a prize you'd better keep him!!!

Uxorial, you are not an idiot. You were merely unsuspecting and he got you good, that's wonderful! Major points for him, I'd say. He set you up and you fell for it, that is too funny. I'm happy you're happy.

Toni, I think it's great your kids got you jewelry and I'm sure your necklace is just beautiful. You have nice kids! And a nice DH, too!

Woody spend most of his morning cooking and cleaning because my parents were coming for dinner, and he didn't gripe about it once, that was my snail shell for the day!

This is why I like Halloween...you can decorate to your heart's content and don't have to worry about giving or getting gifts...

uxorial - sounds like we married the same guy. We've been together 19 years and I have learned to embrace the fact that he's inconsistent as far as gift-giving goes. It makes surprises like your coasters and jewelry even more enjoyable imo. It also takes the pressure off, since he couldn't care less about the holidays or getting gifts.

This year, I got a fabulous trip to St. Croix for my birthday. Last year, a gift card, I think. I love Christmas decorations, music, cooking etc and I just do what makes me happy. Sometimes I go all out, sometimes not so much. If he's into it he will light the house/yard, help with the tree, decorate cookies - some years he's not feelin' it. Several times we delivered gifts early and took a vacation for Christmas. I have gotten better at just going with the flow, but I'll admit we had numerous *discussions* and hurt feelings about it in the early years.

He got you good this year. Enjoy your lovely jewels!