Whoa...I just got an earful!! (Care of elderly relative)

17 years ago

My sister in law called to discuss the future care of our MIL. Our MIL seems to be declining, and we all want the best for her. Having said that...she is a very difficult lady (My MIL, I mean). Well, my SIL and I have a difference of opinion in how things should be handled. Having said that, I also said that it's not up to me, in this house I feel it's up to my husband, and of course, her doctor. SIL kept trying to get me to change my mind on something, but I said that I was not changing my opinion, however I would not be attempting to change anyone else's mind. We seemed to go round and round in circles on this.

After a while, I said something that REALLY set her off. I said that it was up to all THREE sons, where she thought it should only be up to her husband and my husband. She thinks that the other son has forfeited his right to an opinion, because he has not been there for the day to day care of his mother. However, the rest of us all live in the same town in Ontario, except for the youngest brother who lives in Calgary. I tried to tell her it's not fair to hold that against him. Big mistake.

She went on a rampage about this youngest brother being selfish and uncaring. I said that I was only focussed on how his mother lights right up when she sees him, and that he makes her really happy. Then I no longer was able to get a word in. She launched into a hostility filled rant about him. Then she went back to trying to change my mind on the other matter. In the 32 years or so that I've known her, we've never had a conversation like this. I am more than a little rattled. I'm pretty upset, actually.

I think that I'm just going to stay as far away from these issues as possible. Wish me luck.

Have any of you here been able to negotiate the care of a senior relative when there is disagreement over significant decisions? How have you resolved these issues? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Comments (27)

sushipup1
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Susan, join us at the Caregivers Forum.

Been there, done that. SIL, in her defense, sounds like she is stressed and letting it all out, you just got in her way. Don't take her seriously, at least not yet. She may be regretting what she said, too. OTOH, she may have had a real reason for how she feels.

Face-to-face meetings are better than the telephone. If you think there is a real problem, try to get everyone to sit down and discuss it. And make sure that someone is accompanying your MIL to the doctor to hear what's being said.

Well, I can't say much more now---got to make dinner. But come over to caregivers, and there are more people to help.

Helene

Here is a link that might be useful: Caregivers
orie
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm right there now. My mom is 88 and has dementia. She's still "with it" enough to cook and fend for herself. Other times, she impossible. My sister lives with her and actually has to because mom never learned to speak english and doesn't drive. Also, she cannot be left alone for a long period of time because she gets unrealistically scared and gets lost inside the house! Anyway, much more to say but... yes, I'm the only other living child and don't live in Miami so her care is up to my sister. It's getting to be too much for my sister and I've asked her to find a caretaker for my mom during the day... just a companion, so that my sister has some free time. For some reason, she has become the martyr and says it's her burden to stay with mom and care for her until the end. I would do the same but when it becomes unmanageable, you need to find help or you'll loose your own sanity. My sister is there already. I worry about her own well-being because I see her becoming depressed over taking care of mom every minute of the day and not letting anyone else help. Being the odd child out because I'm not there, whatever I say, doesn't really count, any advice is not well-meant advice. I've learned to put my 2 cents in and then say, "It's your decision in the long run because you are there and I'm not." My sister does count on me for any decisions SHE makes regarding mom but I don't really make any decisions. I tell her it's not necesary to get my ok on anything she decides regarding mom because she's the sole caregiver- not me. Now I just wait and talk to my sister about issues when she brings them up, I ask her if she wants help or wants to hear my opinion... if not, then I shut up and try to stay out of it. I'm actually more worried about my sister than mom because mom is at that point where she doesn't understand everything yet she has very lucid moments, get paranoid yet has wonderful days, is forgetful but then can tell you awesome stories... I wish I could do more but it's best to leave her care to those that are present with her. I've come to accept that and understand it's for the best. Maybe it's for the best in your situation, too... It's never easy... Good Luck!
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susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree that my MIL should have someone accompany her to her medical appointments. She always wants my SIL to go, because she is a nurse. She also tends to coddle her, and baby her, which makes my MIL more dependent. It's largely her psychological state that is the issue with my MIL, she has a life long history of drug seeking and medical "attention-seeking". My SIL feels we should pander to that now, because it makes her happy. I feel that it cripples her, and she then expects to be treated like an invalid, which keeps her from being as active as she needs to be to keep her body in shape. She has always been extremely physically healthy, but obsessive over perceived "health problems".

The caregiver forum is an excellent suggestion. I'll go over there tomorrow. I'm just wiped out tonight. I appreciate the suggestion.

Orie, it's very nice of you to be giving your sister the respect and concern that you're giving her. I know it's hard on everyone to have to deal with a loved one having dementia.
azzalea
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I was my mother's main caregiver for the last 12 years of her life. There were 3 other siblings--2 of them and their spouses did help somewhat. The other probably saw mom 3-4 times a year, never did any of the real work involved in her care.

So as you can see, I've been there. My opinion is really divided here. You're right, of course, that decisions like this SHOULD involve all the family. Everyone should be informed about the situation, Mom's medical condition, her needs, the cost, etc. And if mom can't make decisions for herself--ideally, it's best if the family can all agree on the path to take.

However--speaking from experience and practicality, there is good reason for those doing the lion's share of the work, having the most say. That's because those are the ones who will most likely be continuing to do the work involved in keeping mom going, healthy and happy. Even if the decision is made to put Mom in a home, you have to monitor her care to make sure she's getting all the services she needs, you need to be there to take her for outings as much as possible. Someone needs to be responsible for handling her finances and legal issues. The work doesn't stop just because you get home care or mom moves to a facility where she has help with her daily needs.

Guess what I'm saying is that it would be a good idea for the 3 brothers to sit down together to discuss plans, but if there is any dispute about what to do, then there's nothing wrong with the uninvolved brother's vote carrying a little less weight.

It's late, I'm tired. I hope that made sense. As I said--there's a good argument to be made on both sides of this issue.

I do have a question--what does the 3rd brother say? has he expressed any interest in being involved in the decision-making process? This whole discussion may be academic, if he decides to continue to be uninvolved, and opt out of helping at this time.

Best of luck to you. This is definitely a difficult time of life that most of us really haven't been prepared for. We mostly learn by 'on the job' training, and the really sad thing is that unlike raising a child--where you get to see them grow and become more independent, with our parents, unfortunately today is probably the best things will ever be for them. So sad to watch the progression going the wrong way. Stay strong, and hang in there.
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Well, us two daughter-in-laws will probably split the care pretty evenly. We're pretty good about that. Actually, SIL would probably agree that my DH and I do more of the day to day stuff, but she does a lot of stuff that we don't really like to do. I'm really glad we've all been pretty comfortable about the division of responsibilities for her and her house since my FIL died in 1990. Each of the four of us has settled into our roles in taking care of her...and actually my son does a lot too-he takes care of the lawn, visits with her, takes her to lunch and picks up lunch for her for a treat when she doesn't feel like going out.

Nobody seems to mind the "work" part of it. Now that I think about it, I've never heard anyone complain about that part of it, even though there is a lot to do. The problem is with her unrealistic expectations. Our family was with her four days last week, not counting Boxing Day when we were all at my SIL's, and then SIL and family went to see her on Sunday. I guess MIL was complaining that she was bored and lonely, and wanted more attention from us. DH and I work f/t, and thought we did quite a bit with her. MIL did not tell SIL how much time we spend with her, and SIL thought her emotional needs were being ignored.

That brings me to my next point. I have been trying to get my MIL to go to the local senior's center for some day programs. I will provide a cab for her. I know if she would go, she would love it, and everyone agrees with me about that. But she will not go, because she wants us to go to her house every day instead. SiL thinks we should all do that, to make her happy, because she is "lonely". I think it's really unfortunate that she won't try out my suggestion, because I'm doing as much as I can. Then there are other issues....like an issue with her seeming to be overmedicated and the issue of moving her into a long term care facility. Some things we agree on, some things not, but I'm very comfortable in not getting my way. I just want to reserve the right to have my own opinions.

Good point about my BIL. I do not think he is aware of his mother's situation. I talked to him last week, but did not get into it. I really don't know if he is interested in being involved with the decision making. I guess I want to give him the chance, and SIL does not.

You're right that my SIL does not deal well with stress. She just went through this with both of her parents in the last few years, and did not cope well. Her family ended up quite divided, and it does not look like they will be resolving things soon. She is also an alcoholic, which adds another dimension to the problem (when she is on "a bender").

My ear still hurts from her yelling at me about my youngest BIL. OW.
breenthumb
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
How ironic that the one who lights up her life is also the one who is seldom there. I've seen this over and over starting with my grandmother, then a very close friends mother and the saddest was my MIL.

SIL lived with her and I often stayed with her during the day, took her to Dr. appts. and was there for her during the hospitalizations. Every day she knew I'd be there to make sure she could manage lunch and get her out of the hospital room for a while, and SIL would stop on her way home from work. Any time SIL called and said they were headed for the ER, I met them there.

DH stayed completely uninvolved. One of the last ER visits was critical, and as usual we were there with her. Yet, every time she heard a male voice, she perked up asking if it was her son.

Yes, I got him to come for a visit so short he didn't even bother to park in the ramp. But it made her happy. Go figure.

So I'd give the distant son a chance to be involved, but wouldn't be surprised if he opts out.
ont_gal
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Susan...I've been there too,and God help anyone else going thru it.

First,contact Calgary brother,and ask him his thoughts,take this upon yourself;then,that takes that pressure off,no matter what SIL has to say or what she thinks.

Second,realize, that as MIL gets worse,she is going to ALWAYS be lonely,and will not recall visits.

The boozer(altho you get along with her,and have for years,a boozer is a boozer,we all know that,and they dont always see things the way the rest of us tend to) isnt facing reality,and needs to learn a few things about caregiving.

Encourage MIL to get to the seniors club,even if it means you or your DH take her a time or 2 if thats possible.

Being in Ontario,you ppl are able to get respite care,and or access from the community that you live in.

These ppl will help you ALL tremendously.

Taking care of an elder parent can become a 36 hour a day job..trust me,I know.

Take the "shoulds" out of anything regarding MIL...none of this "should" clean her nails when you see her,"should" do her dishes..take the "shoulds" out...VISIT with her,make the moment count..and that applies to all that go there.

Yes,there are chores to do,and they will get done.

Please do not stress yourself anymore than you absolutely have to over any of this.

A lawyer will tell all of the "family" that the in-laws really have no say...again,trust me,BTDT...and it got to be awful for all involved.

p.s. make sure CERTAIN that her POA is active..if not,do it before she gets any worse!
DO NOT volunteer to be her POA..let her sons,or someone else that she trusts with her life.
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
So much good advice here. And you are absolutely correct, Ont_gal, I do not want to be her POA. I suspect my SIL does, but it should be one of her sons.

MIL will not go to a senior's club. I tried to get her to go with me, and brought it up again just two weeks ago. She flatly refuses. The other thing is, she is a perfectionist. If we didn't do those things for her, she would flip out. I saw her do that once when she made my husband climb on her roof in a huge windstorm because something was banging. It was very dangerous for him, but she wanted it fixed NOW. She wants everything done immediately. We don't usually mind doing this stuff for her, which is good, because she would lose her mind if we didn't do it all.

I'm going to make some phone calls for services for her today. Then when I get home, I am going to FLAKE out.

I just feel very lousy this morning, and probably wouldn't have come in to work if it wasn't this time of year. We're already short staffed. I am going to some how have to find a way to deal with this better, because I think SIL is going to make it a very long year.

I realize that I have gotten a lot of very valuable and practical advice here. I've also gotten a lot of support, and I am very grateful.
azzalea
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I should add a few points.

At that stage of life, it's extremely common (almost universal, from what I've seen in my case and heard from friends) that our older relatives dig their feet in and refuse to consider change.

That's not always healthy for them--and it's not always acceptable or practical. And often, if you put your foot down and insist--they LOVE the things you wanted them to try, that they were so adamant about not giving a shot.

A few examples--In my mom's case, she wanted to continue to manage her finances. Then she'd get her checkbook in a tangle and hand it to me--or she'd get a letter stating her health insurance (or car insurance) was cancelled for non-payment and she'd hand it to me. I sort of gradually just took over her bills and checkbook, leaving her enough responsibility that she didn't feel I was running her life (it was no big deal if she forgot to pay the rent--the management of her senior building was great about calling and gently reminding those who forgot). I wanted to get mom a wheel chair so we could go more places. She wasn't interested, but once I insisted and we got the chair, she loved being able to go to stores that she hadn't been physcially up to walking around for years. She needed help around the house--with her personal care, with cleaning. But she DID NOT want a stranger coming in and bathing her--but she didn't want us doing it either, and she wasn't taking good care of herself. I hired her a home health aid to come in and help out a couple of days a week. Well, she just loved 'her girl', and really looked forward to their visits. That's so common, from what my friends tell me.

Sometimes you just have to insist. Sometimes it helps to put an 'official' spin on things where possible--Mom wouldn't argue if I told her her dr. said she had to have this or that. And yes--sometimes that was the truth, sometimes, I was stretching the truth for Mom's own good, sometimes I'd alert the dr. to my concern and enlist his help. You kind of have to do what you have to.

I'd say at this point, if the discussion about the senior center has come up and been vetoed a few times, I'd give it a rest for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. Then, perhaps you could take a day off from work, and take her out for the day--you don't have to tell her where you're going, necessarily, and take her to the senior center. On the one hand, it might be good to stay with her, so she doesn't feel alone. But I'm also wondering if that might not just make her more comfortable with clinging by your side. In some cases, it might be better to make an excuse that you have something to do for a few minutes and will be back in an hour (or 2) for her. That way, she won't have you distracting her from seeing and hopefully participating in the activities.

I also think that you need to get someone in, maybe just a few days a week--to help out with cleaning, and any personal care issues that may crop up. That gives you more time and freedom for the more important things--like enjoying your visits, talking about the past, looking through photo albums, going to lunch, etc. I found that the very few $$$ it cost (think it was between $30/40/hour depending upon what the gal did and how long she stayed) was money very well spent.

It's just so much harder to parent our parents than our children--and by this stage of life, I don't see a lot of difference between in-laws and birth relatives--most have been in our lives long enough that I think we consider them all our own relatives. I know, when my MIL was being victimized financially by one of her birth relatives, I (the DIL) was the one who put in the MOST work and worry resolving the situation. My husband supplied the money for the legal fees, but I did all the legwork and investigations that finally brought the crooks to their knees. And was happy to do it for someone who I considered my own relative.

Again, the best of luck to all your family. You'll have the strength for this, but it is a challenge.
Marcia Thornley
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Have a chat with her doctor. Or have her sons talk to him. Then with medical info call a family meeting. I'm with you. I think the sons should be the main decision makers here. That is, as long as they are willing to carry out what needs to be done. Having them decide that the two SILS should do everything is not the answer. They may not realize what help can be found. My mother has Alzheimers and now lives in a Long Term Care Facility here in town. She lived at home with my brother for 10 years before however with help from Community Care. They came and assessed her and then we had help every day. Otherwise my brother could not have left the house! They made sure she was bathed, fed, dressed and also took her for walks and gave her company and companionship. In turn my brother was able to have a life as well. She also went once a week for a day program at the Nursing Home. She enjoyed it a lot.
When she was no longer able to live at home the transition to the nursing home was much easier. We were lucky that she is able to live where she went for day care. They know her and she was familiar with them.
There are many resources in this area Susan. Use them! It will make it so much easier for all of you. Your SIL sounds to me like she is very stressed about the situation.
Perhaps if you take on resourcing what help you can get it may help her feel less stressed about everything.
marygailv
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'll be 80 soon, but still have all my faculties (I think!!). I live with my daughter and s-i-l, who take me to all my medical appointments, so all of this is pretty pertinent.

I have a grade school/high school classmate whose s-i-l managed to have his driver's license taken away. He was really angry. Took a driving class and still wasn't able to get his license back. Now he has a young woman who comes in several hours every day who drives him around in his vehicle and he is tickled to death with her. It gets him around and also gives him company every day. At Christmas he sent out a photo of the two of them in front of the retired Navy ship of which he had been a docent (he had been in the Navy for 23 years).
chisue
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
There are times when I'm grateful to be an only child and married to another only. There's nobody to share a burden, but OTOH there's nobody to second-guess me! As the female 'only', it fell to me to do any caretaking for my own mother and my MIL. Both had been older mothers, so DH and I went through a lot of this long before our friends did. Both were strong personalities and achievers, but my mother was loving and caring. As it was revealed after her death, MIL was harboring 'family secrets' that explained much of her resentment toward my DH, but she was manipulative with just about everyone.

My mother died when I was 37 and our DS was seven; MIL a few years later. My mother suffered 18 mos. with leukemia; had been an active career woman past 65. MIL suffered thirty years with rheumatoid arthritis and was a cantakerous personality all her life, according to her sibs.

My mother's decline was long and sad, but handling MIL was a terrible strain. MIL finally agreed to give up her apartment (after the last in a long line of help quit). There was a marked improvement once she was in a care-leveled nursing home with other Seniors -- and prescribed Elavil to treat what was probably lifelong depression. (Who knew?) The home was nearer to our home. We could visit more frequently. There were a couple other 'card sharks' in residence. Care was good.

I'd encourage more elders to TRY a continuing care home where it is possible, instead of burdening their children and remaining isolated. (And feeding family rivalries!)
susanjf_gw
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
oh susan on, i do have to agree about not babying the elders...made that mistake when my mother first moved in...drove myself crazy waiting on her...finally backed off and "made her" do more for herself.

i think she moved in with us way too soon because she was driving, keeping appts, etc...refused to bring her car here...it was as if she'd given up...

of course any elder must be evaluated...my uncle has done so in the best of ways...he includes aunt in anything she can do, but has learned to give up some time. has "friends drop by" to run errands, his dr appt's, and a little alone time...

i only wish there was better elder care...
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Azzalea, you are right, I'm going to have to start insisting on things. Today I asked her if she needed anything. She said she will need her house cleaned. I told her about two senior services I had researched; Community Care Access, and Community Support Services; and told her that we can arrange housecleaning through there. She said "No, I'm fine. I don't need that". A little while later, she again said she needed her house cleaned. She is not confused, and money is not the issue. She wants her grandson, my son, to do it. She will have to be informed that we will help her set up these services for her, and if she wants to stay in her house longer, she will have to accept it.

Boy, I know a lot of people have gone through this, but it sure is tough. And I don't think we've even started.
wantoretire_did
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"and told her that we can arrange housecleaning through there"

Susan, when I went through Mom's TIA's and declining health, I sometimes had to talk to her like I did when my children were young (thank you Dr. Spock!). Sometimes you can't give them a choice. How about, I've arranged to have so-and-so come in to clean on Tuesday (and be there with her so she won't feel like the cleaning person is an unknown intruder).

This also worked fairly well when after Mom had recovered from a nasty fall (TIA), I TOLD her that she could no longer drive as she could injure someone else, etc. It wasn't easy, but she finally accepted it without much argument.

It's a tough road..................
azzalea
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You're absolutely right. And you do have to find a balance--ways to help her without totally giving up your own life and health. It's perfectly okay to set reasonable limits on what you can do.

Example: When my mom was still fairly good, but not really able to do her grocery shopping and I took on that chore to help her out.... Well, she started calling me every day or two, sending me to the store for just a couple of things. It wasn't necessary. I had her put a notepad by her chair, and jot things down when she thought of them, and I limited my shopping trips for her to twice a week, unless it was a real emergency. Sometimes, they get very manipulative and demanding--sometimes they think if they don't do it now, they'll forget later. So you have to be creative and find good, positive ways to solve those problems.

Stick to your guns about the cleaning--and don't always discuss or ask their opinion. If you do hire a cleaning person, or health aid, if at all possible, it's good for one of you to be there the first time or two they come--that gives you a chance to see if you are comfortable leaving your loved one with this new stranger, and it lets mom know you aren't abandoning her, just trying to find something that will work for all of you. Again, my good thoughts are with you.
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Well, as of last night I realize that my SIL is complicating things way more than necessary. My MIL asked me to take her to the ER. She always asks my SIL, unless SiL is drunk, which she was last night. My MIL said talked about how she has recently been prescribed narcotics. She does not want to take them any more. This is what my SIL and I were arguing about. SIL is insisting on the narcotics, and is very angry with me for not agreeing.She did not tell me that MIL did not like taking them. She also does not know that I know that she was fired from her nursing job at the hospital for stealing pain medication, and also lost a life long friend when she volunteered to "help" her dying mother, but stole her pain medication as well. Her friend caught her, kicked her out of the house and has never spoken to her again. Her son told my daughter all about it.

So now my MIL wants me to go to the doctor with her on Monday instead of my SIL. She already had asked my SIL, so this will make hard feelings, but she said she wants me anyway. I will take time off work to do that, and I don't mind because I have lots of time coming to me. SIL will try to start a fight about it, but it won't work this time. We have to make this less about her and more about my MIL.

Then I have to get the POA issue sorted out. DH has agreed to do it, so we to make sure we get it done. Also, I will arrange a housekeeper in the next couple of weeks as advised above. I think the approach suggested above is very good advice.
azzalea
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh, your last post raised HUGE red flags. The drug situation is very serious. In several ways. Unfortunately, this is another area where I've had very unfortunate experience. My SIL was demanding drs prescribe specific medications (mood elevators, narcotics, etc) to my in-laws. We don't have absolute proof, but there is circumstantial evidence that SIL was stealing those meds and subbing things like aspirin. At other times, she was doping MIL (who has Alzheimer's) up with other people's prescription sleeping pills to make caring for her easier. Then things got really hairy--SIL started stealing from MIL to support her drug habit. I'm sorry to say, we didn't believe a relative could do that--so by the time we got involved and got the courts to do something, SIL had misappropriated over a QUARTER OF A MILLION $$$$ that had been earmarked for MIL's end care.

Sadly, your last post is the one that concerns me the most. You have to sit down with your husband and the far-off brother, and discuss what you're going to do to protect your MIL and her assets. Drug users have no conscience--it's the first thing drugs seem to destroy. But they're very, very, very good about scamming their relatives. And it will happen--sooner or later, for more or less $$$. You have a very serious problem on your hands. I'd strongly advise that you engage an eldercare attorney to properly set up your MIL's assets, and I'd further suggest that you and your husband need to sit down with an attorney, lay out the situation you've described here, and find out what you need to do to protect yourselves in this matter. Unfortunately, in our case, we're up over $20,000 in legal and forensic accounting fees, out of our own pockets. That doesn't include the fees that have had to be paid to the court-appointed guardian for managing MIL's affairs properly. While we've managed to stop the stealing, the situation is a long way from being resolved.

I truly hope your SIL doesn't go the way mine has--but sadly, it sounds as if she's got no scruples when it comes to feeding her habit. Stop worrying about making her angry--she's USING your guilt to get over on the family. Best to face this now and get the appropriate protection in place, than to wait until you've got an expensive mess to clean up. We're 7 years into our battle, with no real end in sight. Wish someone had opened my eyes in 2002!

I'm truly sitting here with my heart in my throat, thnking of the terrible time your family is likely to face. I wouldn't want to put my own worst enemy through the stress and strain we've had dealing with a thieving 'out-law' (I refuse to call her an 'inlaw' any more). My heart really goes out to you.
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks Azzalea for your feedback. I'm so sorry you and your family have gone through this. I work in social services, and deal with addicts all day, and youre right. They will do anything to get money for their habit. The things I've seen are shameful.

My SIL has stolen money and expensive objects before. A few years ago, my MIL changed her locks because of it, but SIL sweet talked her into giving her a key again. When my MIL changed her locks, she changed the executor of her will to my DH. As far as I know, she hasn't changed it back-she did not want to tell SIL that it was changed so that SIL didn't bug her. That will be an issue for us to deal with when the time comes because SIL will FLIP when she finds out her DH is no longer executor. My DH can handle that.

But I feel that we have to convince MIL quickly to get POA set up. I'm going to try to do it in the next week. Again, SIL will be angry, but it will be DH who will be POA not me, so I don't think she can complain, except for saying that her husband is older and should be the one. Anyway, she'll have to deal with it.

My kids do not like this aunt of theirs at all. They want ties with her severed. But I would miss my niece and nephew, and my MIL would be upset if there was a rift. I do think my SIL uses the fact that I don't want conflict.

Unless my SIL persuades MIL otherwise, it will be me going with her to the doctor on Monday. I am going to have to find a way to tell him that there is pressure from an addict in the family for MIL to have these narcotics. He will put it together...SIL let it slip to me that she has phoned him about this-as they used to work together. I'm sure he knows why she was fired, too. Like I said...it's a very small town.

So for now I have to get the drug issue and the POA issue settled. SIL is on a bender, and when she sobers up she will be livid. I will have to shut her down next time, instead of putting up with it.
uxorial
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Good advice already given, and I haven't been in this situation myself, so I just have one thing to add.

Regarding your comment: I'm very comfortable in not getting my way. I just want to reserve the right to have my own opinions.

I think it will be difficult to "take a backseat" now and let your SIL handle things "her" way, and then in a month or two when things get messed up, try to take control then. You all need to figure out how you want to be involved in this person's care (if at all) and have some sort of plan (legally, financially, medically) to deal with problems as they arise.
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I guess you're right, Uxorial. I just don't want to be domineering. I asked my DH if he thought I was overstepping my bounds and he did not. He promised to reign me in if he thought I was, at any point. He's glad to have someone helping his mom. He tries to communicate with her and isn't always successful, because my MIL can be weird that way-always was. I usually can communicate with her, as much as anyone can...probably because I have so much practice dealing with so many different personality types at work. I don't make a move without his approval though, regarding his mother. We've got to get that POA set up...
kensblondie
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You can't always trust family. They may be smiling and telling you one thing and something else is going done.
My sil wanted her mom and dad to move to Georgia to be with her. (She had no children and she and her husband work all the time and spend their money on anything and everything. That's OK - it's their money.) My dh and his brother wanted them to stay in Virginia. They were doing well and were close to both of the sons families which included 3 grandchildren. She kept after them until they sold their house and moved. They were very unhappy there. The sil had the mother committed for a while. My mil told me she was afraid she would have her committed again. The brothers could do nothing. The sister had POA and had transferred all her parents assets into her name.
Every time any of us would go there to visit, the sil would keep dropping in. You could tell my mil and fil were afraid to say anything. If you ask anything, you got a really vague answer.
My fil died and mil was left alone. She died a year later with lung cancer. It was stage 4 when it was found and she lived one month in a nursing home where sil put here. Once again, nothing anyone could do. We later found out that she had not been taken to the doctor or treated right at all.
My sil's lawyer sent us a copy of the will. It had been made at the time the inlaws moved to Georgia. Sil was the only heir. Nothing and I mean nothing, was left to any of the family. The will was written to say she was their only child. (None of us knew there was a will.)
Watch out who you trust!!!!!!!
minnie_tx
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sometimes you have to divorce your family sorry to say
susanjf_gw
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
susan, glad to see you're trying to get p o a taken care of... a cyberpal's fil had originally had his older dd doing it..she was robbing him blind...finally got it changed to the son her dh...what a mess that was...

alcohol does horrible things...
gwanny2three
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh yeah...to this day, 5 years later, my sister and I don't talk to our SIL because of some decisions she tried to make concerning my dad. It's not an easy subject I know.....but she needed to back off and leave it all to my brothers and sisters and I. She is now doing it again with our one and only Aunt left alive. My brother, her husband is about to lose it. I am staying out of this one. It saddens me to not have a say so in the final days/months of my mom's sister, but I can't go through it again. She has forbidden one of my sisters and I to call their house, mail things to their house and never visit there. My brother is fine if I call, which I have been regarding my aunt, but I will never go to their house again. I did mail my brother a Christmas card....I felt like a rebel! LOL....big inside joke between my sister and I! :O) I just don't trust my SIL to make the best decisions.....my brother is caught in the middle of her and his 4 sisters...poor guy!
susan_on
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I took my MIL to the doctor for the first time today. My SIL usually does it. I found out that my SIL has been taking money from my MIL for taking her. It's only a five minute drive, and my SIL does not work. She does not need the money either, she inherited quite a bit of money.

The rest of us have been doing our parts for MIL without expecting compensation. Dianne insinuated the same, and never told us that she is getting paid for taking her. When Dianne's children were small, MIL babysat for her for free, while she worked. In the past, she also struggled to pay her own bills for a year, while buying groceries for Dianne and her husband while Dianne was having no trouble finding money for booze. And yet she will take money from her for taking her to appointments. Not to mention, Dianne was complaining that Gary, son #3, is going to "welch" off of MIL when he moves down in the spring? At least he is her own child. (And I don't believe he will welch anyway).
azzalea
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh, no--that's how stuff started with my SIL--'borrowing' groceries, free babysitting, begging for money to replace a broken appliance--little things like that. I won't start in on another long discourse about how that ended up, but you've got to impress upon everyone in the family that this woman MUST NOT have any access to MIL and her money. Make sure MIL knows it's okay to say 'no'--she needs to care for herself first at this stage of life. I'd say, from all you've described, you're past the time when you really should be consulting a lawyer (one for MIL, one for yourselves) to make sure ALL are protected, and you don't end up in court, fixing a quarter of a million$$$ problem after the fact.

Whoa...I just got an earful!! (Care of elderly relative)

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