Could it maybe be compared to petting the sweaty stuff?...err I mean, sweating the petty stuff.

In my case I do know that often times some things folks say to me, will make me see things in a much different (and better) light.

....or did I maybe miss it here...being on a sugar high already today.

Sue

oh...I think I have a clue now...but no other thoughts on it...having never been there and done that particular one...lol...if'n I'm on the mark here.

Sue

Rather than being grateful one has feet... if you take the metaphore to its logical conclusion, it's meant to convey the idea that regardless of how bad your personal circumstance might be, there is always someone who has worse circumstances. Or if one facet of life is disappointing, be mindful that there are offsetting good things - which is what is most often stated in replies because it's the most comfortable way not to minimize the problem in the first place.

People have different coping skills and mechanisms, probably to the same degree those of us reading these problems have different degrees of tolerances for someone's plight or need for validation. It's not always a value judgment - it often takes the form of sympathy, empathy, a kind word, a group hug as people come to these forums because they are truly in a quandry, need advice from complete strangers, and have no problem using the anonymity of the internet to bare their souls.

When I do bare my soul here I do it because I need your friendship, hugs and loving advice. I DO always know there are people worst off that me but I am having to deal with my problems in the present. I was very reluctant to even post here at first because I was afraid I would get bad reactions to what I said. I was a lurker for a long time but got so lonesome I just had to post. So many kind people here who have been through the same things as I have and many who have weathered worst can give very good comfort and advice. Glad to know you KT.

duluthinbloomz4, I don't think anyone means any harm and are just trying to be helpful. As I said, my question isn't directed at anyone. I am asking about the metaphor itself or the analogical examples people may use to compare with the complaint. While I understand what it means, I guess I'm thinking the metaphor is rather useless because being fortunate (the metaphoric feet) in one respect or another doesn't mean the problem (the metaphoric shoes) is non-existent. And, enumerating your blessings (the metaphoric feet) isn't going to make the complaint (the metaphoric shoes) go away.

So, I'm looking to be set straight and understand the metaphor really does serve a purpose.

What the duluthinbloomz4 said.
Also,because I am a Christian and have faith in God,I believe that my personal circumstance could be a lot worse! I think/believe that we all go through trials and "bad" things in life.How we handle them either makes us stronger and renews our faith or makes us doubt.We make the choice to make the best of the situation and believe things will get better or we drown in our own self pity! I also believe that everything happens for a reason.We just have to find that reason,or wait until God shows us what it is.

Yes, Kathy, that is it. That's what I'm saying. You are well aware there is someone less fortunate. Therefore, does knowing that help you deal with your problems? Or, does knowing that make your problems go away? I realize there are instances where people might feel their own problems seem small, but I think no matter how fortunate one is they also have a problem of some kind. So, my question is about the metaphor. Would you say it useless? Or please tell me how it helps.

That thought (no shoes/no feet) did help me recently. I was on crutches 9+ months. It was horrible, but in my stumbling, bumbling outings to wherever I needed to go, I kept noticing people in wheel chairs, on those permanent types of crutches, wearing head scarves (obviously no hair), and it was a definite reminder to buck up, be brave and go forward without whining.

(OBTW my mother used to use that saying a lot over the years. And she had no shoes.)

I think it does help me to pull myself up by the "bootstraps" to go on to face another day. Sometimes I just need some friends to hug me and say it will be allright not "well you could be worse off".

There is a whole series of until i met a *** with no****.
I feel it is a way to tell us that there is always someone else with more problems than we have and we should appreciate what we have and not what we want or think we need.
We just step out in faith.

When my sisters home burned to the ground, she lost everything including all her photos, her oldest dd's wedding gown, and so on and so forth. Her FIRST thing was to be very thankful that only material items were lost....no people and no pets. But after I'd heard about a dozen people come up and say things like 'it's only a house' or 'thank God you still have your family', etc. I finally told them 'she's already thanking God for that. Please let her mourn the loss of her HOME'. My sister dissolved into tears and thanked me for understanding what she was going through.

Yes, there are always people somewhere in the world who are going through worse, much worse than what I am, at any given time. I think I am to be mindful of that to keep things in their proper perspective. So I will pray for the man with no feet, and then pray for my own need of shoes.

Shirley

If you reread what I wrote, you'll discover I was not being critical of those who post nor those who reply. Nor was I minimizing the fact that people suffer and seek help to alleviate suffering. And many times, those who reply to those suffering are knowingly or otherwise practicing one or several of the Spiritual Works of Mercy:
To instruct the ignorant;
To counsel the doubtful;
To admonish sinners;
To bear wrongs patiently;
To forgive offences willingly;
To comfort the afflicted;
To pray for the living and the dead.

Couldn't it be said that the sympathy, empathy, kind words, hugs rendered on these forums are an attempt to deflect the sting of the stated problem or situation, if even just a little? In effect, you don't have feet, I don't have shoes, but maybe I can buy you a cup of coffee and we can commissurate a little type of thing. You still won't have feet and I won't have shoes, but just perhaps we might each discover we have something else - something that transcends our problems. I think that could be a meaning in the metaphore, too.

There's also envy to consider. My husband and I envied his brother, who had a happy marriage, college graduate sons and a beautiful home, new cars every couple years and a salary well over a quarter million a year. Turns out the older bro envies his BIL who owns two homes in San Francisco and LA and leads an even posher life. So it goes.

I don't have the foggiest what is going on here... ??

Well, I *think* I understand. There've been times that I come here because I'm feeling lonely or sad or isolated, such as three Christmases ago when I had no one with whom to spend the holidays and my brother was out of town and my kids were off with my ex-husband and I was wondering why (and how) I'd ended up so utterly alone in the world.

So, I came here and posted something. Most of the good and kind souls here responded with words of love and comfort and said the right things that assuaged my emotional angst.

But there are always the, "be-grateful-you're-not-a-quadruple-amputee-strapped-into-in-an-iron-lung-at-the-local-nursing-home" folks. Now on an intellectual level, I may have known that I had many things to be grateful for, but on an emotional level, I felt alone and afraid and just wanted another human being to reach out to me via the 'net and tell me that I'd survive the days.

Whenever someone posts here about being alone at the holidays, someone (or some two) respond by saying that they should volunteer at a soup kitchen. Well, when your heart is breaking from loneliness, it's hard to reach out to someone else. Not to mention, volunteering at a soup kitchen usually requires more than a few hours, to sign up, get approved, figure out where to show up, etc.

In short, the man with no feet thing is (IMHO) just a way of saying, be grateful for what you have cause there are lots of people whose lives suck much worse than yours. I don't agree with that. When you're losing it, under a crushing burden of sadness, isolation, debt, pain, whatever, I don't think it helps to think about the poor saps who are worse than you. I think the best thing we can do is to just be kind to one another and try to comfort those that are mourning.

Rose

okwriter, I tend to agree, but here's my take - I've crawled through ground glass in my life and have benefited more when "kicked in the stomach" by a few close friends than from huggie, feel good people. I offered that once here on the KT and found myself flogged by the person it was directed toward as well as several posters. A precious few posters saw what I intended, but we were pretty well shut out. I will not ever offer that kind of reinforcement here at the KT because it seemed to be too "tough love".

"Couldn't it be said that the sympathy, empathy, kind words, hugs rendered on these forums are an attempt to deflect the sting of the stated problem or situation, if even just a little? Maybe so, because some people just don't want to hear about that tough stance they may have to take.

O.K., I'm the worst about trying to let someone know I can empathize by posting about similar problems I have had. I honestly mean well, but like wantoretire, I see no sense in hand holding. It means a lot more to me if someone shows they have felt the way I do, and can truly, truly understand where I am. I sometimes even send personal emails to people when they are down, and tell them I'm here if they need to talk.

I've been through so much in my life, that I feel the need to try to get some good out of it by using it to help others who are suffering.

A very wise Native American shaman once told me that my path was to heal broken spirits. That's what I try to do, and if people take it wrong, that's not the way it was intended.

Each to their own, I say.

Yes, Shirley. Put my name on every word. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Yes, Rose. Put my name on every word. That's exactly what I'm saying.

I simply don't understand the metaphor or how it helps to say it to others. I'm happy my mother said it to me because it helps me internally, such as Socks example. But, in the midst of a crisis or a tragedy, I wouldn't say it to anyone, and I wouldn't want to hear it because it cannot help or change anything. The reason may be that I've heard so many stupid ones, like Shirley's example with her sister. I do realize people mean well and while it seems a common type of thing to say, I still think the metaphor is useless.

Junkyardgirl, your example to commiserate with others really is empathy.

My take is ....it's another way of saying, "Stop whining".

We should all be as kind as Rosemary. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Rose said it right. Thinking of the man with no feet, in no way shortens my own personal pity party. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. The man with no feet can do his own crying. While I am wallowing, I will likely step over him without really seeing him. When my pity party is over, then I may look up that man and give him a hand, like get him an appointment to see about prosthetics. The comfort from others is what I am seeking when I am down, and while I am down, I am unlikely to be able to get comfort by anothers worse situation.

Look, Mallory, I have not read all the replies, but this happened last week.

I hurt myself during the limb and stuff removal after our ice storm. I bi*ched as I ached. Then, while at the Christmas tree lot I saw a beautiful young woman with only one leg. She was smiling and chatting while going through the lot on her crutches.

I honestly thought I must be a weenie.. complaining about some bruised muscles and aggravated tendon... while she had only one leg.

But honestly, I did not feel sorry for her, as she seemed alright. I felt sorry for myself for being a weenie.

Moni

Just another way of saying stop your whining things could
be worse. But I don't think that gets you thru everyday.
I think we all need a pity party once in awhile depending
what is going on in our lives. I think we're allowed.

What RosemaryT said... that was perfect.

I am more of the "man with no feet" camp. I live in a huge city and ride public transportation. Everyday I encounter handicap and homeless people and it really tugs at my heartstrings. Whenever I am getting really upset about something, I ask myself how this compares to any of those peoples situations. The only thing that I take seriously is the illness of a person or animal. If you have your health you are a rich person, without it all the money and friends in the world can't help you.
Donna

There are always people worse off than you and better off. It's pointless to feel sorry for yourself.

If I'm right in the middle of my stressful situation, that phrase just ticks me off. (I want to talk about ME for a minute! LOL!) But once I'm just on the other side off the crisis, it gets me past it faster. It reminds me it's time to look past my own nose. (That was the phrase my mother always used. "Would you look past your own nose for a minute!?")

I find more peace from the wisdom "This, too, shall pass." Even if I lost a foot and it will never grow back, the grief and helplessness will pass and better days will come. I find more comfort from the people who tell me I will get through it, one day at a time.

I don't like to talk to my mother when I'm having a pity party. She does not sympathize with me. She never just says "I understand." She tells me something to the effect of "Be grateful you have so many dishes to wash, it means you had food to eat, which is more than some people." It might not be about dirty dishes, but you see my point. She tries to tell me my problems are blessings in disguise. "Jeez, the baby was up four nights in a row, I haven't slept, I'm so tired I'm running into walls!" She tells me "Oh, but aren't you glad you were able to have him." I KNOW all that, I do.

But a person just needs to vent and be heard sometimes. It clears out all the negativity and lets my own inner voice start talking sense.

But that's true for everyone. I do know people who revel in the pity party. The more you sympathize, the longer it goes on. The less you sypmathize, the bigger the pity party gets, to get your attention. For those people it's not a temporary coping mechanism, it's drama for the sake of drama.

You all know I work with funerals. Just try to imagine having to bury your child and someone says to you, "You have two other children." HUH? Told you I've heard some really stupid ones.

This has been a very interesting read.
I'm usually a man of few words. I really admire you people who can express abstract concepts so vividly. You truly have a gift. Take what Rose and stephanie wrote and please add it right here.
Ron

I don't think it hurts to have a little private pity party once in a while, just don't stay in that place too long. Get over it and go forward.

(((((((((((((((((Mallory)))))))))))))))