How do you handle this common (I think!) gift-giving problem

13 years ago

Okay, so I know that you're never obligated to give a gift, even if someone gives one to you first. But how would you handle this?

Two of my closest friends give me gifts every Christmas and birthday, always gift cards with something else small, like an edible item. They started it, I didn't. I've suggested several times that we concentrate on the kids and not give to each other. They say, "Yes, mmm-hmm," and then on the next birthday or Christmas, there's the gift card. I don't think it's that they particularly want to exchange gifts, but more that they can't *not* do it.

It's not the money, at all. I love these people, I have the money. So I finally decided to just buy gift cards in equal amounts, even though I think it's stupid.

But I hate giving a gift card to a good friend. I like personal gifts that reflect that I actually *know* the recipient. And I do know these people, so I can find gifts like that, but it means more shopping. Which I don't really want to do.

So, would you stop completely, knowing that they are not going to stop, would you just keep giving the stupid gift card, or would you start buying real gifts for these people?

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Comments (9)

OklaMoni
13 years ago
No way would I give gift cards. Just be gracious, and accept.

Some people just don't know, how not to give.

I make a BIG point, of telling new friends, NO gift exchanges! But still I have a friend that brought gifts from her two last trips.

I do enjoy them, and use them. It is her choice, to give or not to give, just like it is my choice.

I choose not to.

Moni
jannie
13 years ago
I buy $25 gift certificates to a local big-name book store and keep these on hand for "surprise" gifts. Everyone reads and has special interests.
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Since you sincerely like this couple, and enjoy their company, you are doing the right thing by not letting it spoil what could be a great friendship, if you are able to roll with the flaws in human nature, that remind us that we are not perfect, and can disappoint others, when we do not really mean to. Perhaps there were circumstances they are unwilling to share. Like they got into a huge argument and neither were in the mood to go and fake it at a party. Or they are easily distracted, and are embarrassed, because they sometimes really do "forget" and are horrified. A friend recently told me that she had a dentist appointment. The dentist called and left a reminder the day before. On the day of the appointment, the dentist office called and talked to her, to tell her they were running 1/2 hour behind, so to come at 10:30 instead of 10:00. She hung up, and left to run a couple errands. She said she was thinking about other things, (a problem with one of her kids) and totally forgot to go to the dentist, even though she had just been on the telephone an hour before. She was horrified, that she could totally "forget" when she had just talked to them. And she is only 41. When she called to reschedule, the office was miffed, and charged her for the appointment anyway. She said she was really embarrassed, and cannot imagine how she could do such a thing. In regards to you being offended that they have never invited you to their home, you must understand that some people do not entertain in their home. There can be many reasons why. Perhaps behind the beautiful exterior, lurks a big mess, that would take hours or days to get in order. Have you seen the show "Clean Sweep, or the English ladies who come in when things are in awful shape? The people on these shows are often attractive, and successful in other areas of their life, but cannot keep a home in order. Many people have phobias about entertaining in their home, and do not enjoy it, or feel like it is not worth the stress and work involved. Or perhaps they do not enjoy cooking for others, because they are not very good cooks. Some people love to entertain in their homes, and others would rather have a root canal! Smile. There have been many articles written about many people who have huge fears about entertaining in their homes. So do not be offended unless you know for a fact that they entertain regularly in their home. I once saw an interview with Martha Stewart and she talked about how others would not invite her to their homes, and she longed to be invited into the homes of others for dinner. Everyone was too intimidated, because she did everything so well. They also thought she would be judging them, and it was just too stressful to even contemplate for them. So do not take it personally, unless they entertain frequently and do not include you. They may have "personal issues" you may not be aware of. Or you may just be so awesome (like Martha Stewart) that they are afraid they could never measure up. I think most people mean well, but they are human. And flawed. If you can accept them, flaws and all, you will be rich in friendships, throughout your life. And isn't that a tremendous gift? Isn't it more valuable than material riches? I have read that if when you get to the end of your life, and have one true friend, you are fortunate. But for someone able to overlook some of the flaws in human nature, and love others in spite of their shortcomings, I would imagine them surrounded with friends, and they would be fortunate indeed.
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Chemocurl zn5b/6a Indiana
13 years ago
I too would 'not' feel obligated to give 'something/anything' in return. Could you maybe take them out to 'eat' sometime instead and it be your treat?
heather_on
13 years ago
I like the idea of just taking them out for a meal too. Getting together with a friend is the gift that really counts.
carla35
13 years ago
If it's really gotten to the point of obligatory gift cards, it's really not gift giving IMO.

If you have the time and money, then I'd find personal gifts (even inexpensive ones) are usually the best ideas for Christmas time. But I think gifts should be given with no expectation of receiving anything in return.

I think there are 2 kinds of people... those who like to give gifts and those who don't (or don't have the time or money to). Kind of like there are 2 types of people that bring stuff to Pot Lucks.... those who take the time to bring something homemade, and those who just bring swing by the store on the way and pick up some soda. There's not really a right or wrong; but there's two types of people. If you don't like giving gifts, that's fine but you should be able to accept a gift graciously. And those who like giving gifts should know not to over do it on those that may not want or be able to to recipricate.

To me, Christmas is about giving, but because you want to not because you have to... and NOT just for the kids (when you make it just about kids and their toys, it commercializes it IMHO, and it also teaches the kids they don't have to recipricate). If it's a time of love and sharing, everyone should be in on it and it's nice for kids to see that (and for them to be able to help pick out a gift for Uncle Tony). Now those gifts don't have to be expensive... they can be cookies the kids make or homemade ornaments or cards...oh wait, that may take too much time.

It's sad that the spirit of Christmas is lost... because people simply don't have the time to put any thought into anything... But they have time for other things.. Sorry, but I think a lot of it is about priorities and selfishness. God forbid you should have to pick out a real gift for your mother!

Quite honestly, I think the gift card people have won...they almost make you feel bad if you do get them anything other than a gift card. And, I know all the teenagers want is money or gift cards... but Kuddos to those aunts and uncles who think outside the box and get them something else on occasion. And, if it's really at a stage where all a kid will be happy with is cash/gift card, then maybe they should fall into the adult-no-gift category.
carla35
13 years ago
Sorry for my rant...

If you want to know how I handle it, this year, I'm getting gift cards for those people who give me gift cards, and investing the time in real gift giving for those who do the same for me. Funny, but those I'm investing the time in real gift giving are the people I love the most anyway... so it kind of works out. Maybe that kind of explains it all...
joann23456
Original Author
13 years ago
To me, Christmas is a spiritual time, a time when I like to reflect on Jesus coming into the world. (I totally get that it's also a secular holiday, and don't think people ought to think of it the way I do.) I do give gifts, but Christmas is not largely about gift-giving for me.

I do see what you're saying about letting children have the joy of helping to select the perfect gift for someone special to them, but that's not my friends.

I love the idea of dining together. In fact, I started a yearly tradition of having a special Christmas lunch with one of the friends, specifically saying that it could be our gift to one another, and she agreed - but she still got me the $35 gift certificate from CVS at Christmas.

Ah, well, I know it's not a big deal, and I'm so fortunate to have these two women as friends.
Georgysmom
13 years ago
You can do what I do with my friends. We started a Birthday Club. The Birthday Girl gets to pick what restaurant she wants to go to and we buy her lunch. Everyone brings a card and that's it.....no gifts. None of us needs or even wants anything anymore so this takes the place of all that. At Christmas, we go out for a special lunch......and I have a special group that goes to the club for dinner with our husbands. On that night we each have a small gift for each other and I mean small. This year I'm making Kahlua fudge sauce for everyone. Last year it was the Rolo pretzels. Just a little thought.
rosepetal2
13 years ago
what about making your own gift cards on the computer stating that you would treat the recipient (and you) to a meal at her favorite restaurant, she can arrange the date with you. Possibly add a little verse about friendship with her being such a special gift and how much you treasure her as a close friend.
Diane

How do you handle this common (I think!) gift-giving problem

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OklaMoni

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How do you handle this common (I think!) gift-giving problem

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