No, I've never dealt with anything like that, but I know that hypochondria is often fueled by fear. How old is she? You say she hasn't always been like this. Is she perhaps approaching the age at which her own mother died? Another possibility could be that she's seriously depressed, and so unsatisfied with her life that she wants to be sick--to give her life a focus, or to get attention, or (an extreme case) to finish it.

I sympathize with you, and with her as well.

I sympathize with you too. Can you get her to go to a senior center for some activities? Get the focus off of herself, and interested in some arts and crafts, games, ect with people her age.
Leslie

My MIL was exactly the same, going from one doctor to another with "symptoms". She had many tests run. I got involved way too deep because I am such a good listener. I would call her on the phone about once a week, and she would tell me all about the horrible treatments she was going thru. She insisted something was wrong in her urinary tract, she had "a feeling of pressure". She had her uterus removed, then a few months later several feet of her colon. I truly believe she was abused or at least ignored as a child by her own mother, the only time she got any sympathy was when she was sick. I listened quietly for over 30 years, just saying "Oh" or "uh-huh" or "my goodness" whenever she complained of ill health. She once took a bad fall outdoors, fell and twisted her leg., it was really black and blue. It turned into something called "cellulitis". She ended up with a bad infection, got pneumonia, wound up in the hospital, had a heart attack and died. Susan, I'm glad I was a good listener. One day something really did come along and kill her. All I can say is, listen if you can, but change the subject when it gets to be too much. Good luck.

You might ask the hospital social service for some guidance/support group meetings. If there seems to be a change in personality, it could be caused by a serious of small strokes, or an other disorder--like electrocutes out of balance. A specialist in this could find out. You might cut down the weekly dinners to either every other week or once a month. It appears to be a control issue with her. Be firm, and talk it over with your DH and present a united front. DO NOT syphontize with her, coddle her etc. Walk out and tell her when she is going to discuss a problem you will listen etc. Remember us older ones do act like children at times and you kids are now the parents--anyway that is what I tell my DD.
Tough love--it works.

She is 83. But physically, she is exceptionally strong. She never seems to get viruses and colds like the rest of us do, or she just gets a "taste" of it. And she can work outside pulling weeds and tending her garden all day long, every day...she never seems to get tired. Recently, I had a virus that flattened me, and she got a mild case of it. She went on and on about how sick she was, and I told her that I had called her all afternoon and there was no answer. She said she was working outside....??? How could she work outside all day if she was sick like she said??

She has always had this tendency, but it gets worse in the winter. It's getting worse over all though. I contacted the senior's outreach caseworker, and had a couple of meetings with her and she gave me lots of info on day programs that would benefit her. But she won't go. It's frustrating, because it's a small town, and she knows everyone here and I just know that if I could get her to go, she would love it. My husband agrees with my opinion on that, but also feels she will never go. I don't know why she is so stubborn about it.

She is a controlling person. I believe she was abused and neglected as a child, and she certainly abused her sons at times. Ugh...it makes me angry to think about it, so I'll leave it at that.

Oh, I almost forgot...Susan....she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, and anxiety too. She was prescribed medication for those problems but only took them briefly, and she refused to take them after that. It seemed like she was better when she was taking them, but it was just for a few months, so it's hard to tell.

I'm so glad my husband understands and sees things the same way. I still try to be sensitive about it, because she IS his mother. But I do think I need a break from her. That will be kink of hard for him, but I don't think he will fight me on it. The kids won't like it though, they will think I'm being mean.

Susan, how old are your kids? If they're on their own, and have their own place, they could invite gramma to dinner once in a while. If they are still at home, just invite her 1/2 as much as you have been. Don't mention it to the kids. Just do what YOU want to do.
Leslie

Well, my daughter is 27 and has her own house. I did suggest that to her, knowing she wouldn't do it. But it did get my point across. I think you're right about not mentioning the reason to them. That's probably the best thing to do, because although they know about the problems with their nana, I don't like to talk about it much, because they love her, and I don't like to sound like I'm criticizing her to them.They might ask though, so I wonder what I'll tell them.

BTW...I really appreciate being able to vent here, and I sincerely appreciate the responses. I felt like I was going to burst before I posted.

Susan, has no one said anything about it being a mental illness?
Too bad she couldn't be obsessed with having depression or anxiety so she would take the meds for THAT like she needs to.
I lived for over 10 years with a mentally ill person, and there is no rationalizing with them. No way, no how. The only thing that can get them to thinking normally again is treatment. And believe me, she won't want to go in for mental health treatment. I had to use all kinds of tricks to get DH into the doctor sometimes.
She needs treatment. Counseling and probably meds.

Well, she was referred to that psychiatrist that time. I suspect that her doctor would agree that it's a mental illness, but she would kill me if I approached him.

I can't imagine how you lived with someone with mental health problems for so long. I don't know how you got through it.

I know exactly what you are saying. My MIL was the very same way. She read Prevention Magazine and anything that she read about she had.. When she went to the doctor, she told them what was wrong with her. She always knew in her mind that everyone was jealous of what she had. She didn't worry about hurting anyones feelings. She hated fat people, men with facial hair and big bellies. She could be very rude.. She made an awful comment to our youngest daughter and I told her she didn't ever have to go back. Our 3 kids were the only grandkids that ever went to see her.

I love my husband dearly and I always tried to respect her no matter what for him. It was very difficult at times. Believe me he knew it was hard.. Most of our married life she lived almost an hour away. The last 5 years she lived just a few miles from us. We saw her often and she went out to eat with us each Friday night.

Sadly, if she ever got mad at someone it was for life. She just never could get over it.. Her oldest daughter is the kindest lady and she treated her so bad because she didn't care for her husband. She was always the one that took her to her doctor's appointments and shopping whenever she wanted to go. Her husband is such a great guy. Everyone in the family loves him. When we moved her closer to us it was her daughter's sons and grandsons that jumped right in and helped us move her. It would have taken us days had they not helped.

When my FIL died we went to make the arrangements. Her oldest daughter married a guy with 2 boys. His first wife had died and she adopted them. The boys were 3 and 4 when their Mom died.. Well, when we were going through the familes to put them in the paper, we went by families. When we brought up her 2 adopted sons the MIL stated "No, they are not my own blood". These boys are not 38 and 40 years old. My son just turned and walked out. Somehow we made it through all of it. We ended up counting the number of grandkids and great grandkids and put the number in. I often wonder what she would have said when we came to the youngest brother because he married a gal with 2 sons also.

I know in her own way she loved me and I did love her, too.
I showed her respect that she deserved because she was my MIL. I just knew when I needed to send my hubby on his own to visit her. He agreeded.. My FIL was nothing like her at all. He was wonderful..

I would stop having her over each week, Limit the time you spend with her. Perhaps your son could take her out somewhere by himself. Don't call her, let your hubby do it. She is not going to change so you have to be the one to make the changes.. You should not have to entertain her when you really don't want to.. Don't shut her out but do limit your time with her. You will feel so much better. And don't feel bad about doing it either. Your feelings count, too.

Susie

Perhaps your husband can talk to her doctor and discuss the changes and problems. If he feels the medicine she was to take would help, next time she complains, get her hiney in there. Let him tell her whatever to get on the medicine and stress she take it as prescribed.
If none of that can be done, all you can do is limit your exposure to it.
Best of luck
Lynn

Does she/or could she have dementia? That makes big changes in personality.
Kathy G in MI

No advice, just a hug: ((Susan))

Kathy, we don't think she does. My SIL just said yesterday, that she's lucky, because if she was going to have Alzheimer's, it would have shown up by now. She lives in her own home independently, except for my son cutting her grass and shovelling snow, she does everything herself with no problems.

Thanks for the hug, Ya Ya... I appreciate it.

Susan, you mentioned that it seemed to get worse in the winter...and that she spent a lot of time gardening. I wonder if a small greenhouse might not keep her "busy" during the winter months?

I can suggest that to her and see how she reacts. I do have a greenhouse myself, and she likes it.

I am a trauma nurse and we see many many elderly that simply need to be loved. The symptoms they come to us with are simply a cry for attention and love. Many become physically ill and even die.Often times just a hug works wonders.

Susan - regarding the Senior Center, how about this? If you could volunteer at some event or 2 there (a special luncheon or something else) and ask your MIL to go along to help you (saying that you could use the extra hands or something), perhaps she'd see what actually goes on there (while "helping" you and volunteering herself) and decide that it might be nice for her to actually attend the events.

She may not like the idea of going as a patron until she has volunteered and seen that it's a good social group.

Suzieque

Sorry that you are going through this. (((Susan)))

Suzieque's idea sounds like a good one.

I found these tips on the ehow site. Maybe one of them would be helpful?

#1 Steer the conversation. Hypochondriacs often monopolize conversations with discussion of their illness. Change the topic by bringing up something unrelated to physical conditions.
#2 Preoccupy the hypochondriac with fun activities. When they start complaining about their aching bones, suggest a walk around the block. Tackling the perceived pain through physical activity is a good way to make them forget about it.
#3 Remember that it's hard to distinguish between legitimate health problems and imaginary ailments. Don't automatically assume the hypochondriac is making their symptoms up. Assess each episode with a critical eye.
#4 Some hypochondriacs are in need of therapy. Their constant complaining is actually an attention seeking device.

I agree with suzieque, in that it would be great to get her involved in some volunteer work. Maybe you can look into the possibility of her working in a gardening capacity? If she gets the feeling that she and her expertise are needed by someone, she may give you more peace. Good luck; you are a very sweet d-i-l and she's lucky to have you.

I've suggested to her that she volunteer for over 30 years, and she never would. But I like the idea of asking her to go with me to help me. Maybe that would work. It will be a little tough to work out, because I work when the senior center has it's programs, but it might be worth taking time off to get her started. I really, really think she would like it if I could get her in the door. She is awfully stubborn though, but I'm going to try in the New Year.

I agree that it's a cry for attention and love. But somehow she hasn't figured out that she gets less attention from us when she carries on so much. All she will accept is pity and sympathy, and anything less makes her angry or pouty. It makes it very hard to be around her.

You all have been so nice about listening and offering helpful, and useful suggestions. It means a lot to me. There is a lot of useful information here. Thank you.

She has OCD, hypochondriasis is part of that condition. She needs to see a Psychiatrist and be put on Paxil or something like that. "For a long time, hypochondriasis was considered untreatable. However, recent scientific studies show that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs; e.g., fluoxetine and paroxetine) are effective treatment options for hypochondriasis as demonstrated in clinical trials."

In runs in my DH's side of the family. My 24 YO son for the last several years has become more of a hypochondriac. He is insanely germophobic. He was always washing his hands till they bled so was put on Paxil and it helped. He is now obsessing over expiration dates. My MIL is a lot like yours, always going in for tests for nothing and seeing specialists. Her Doctor suggested she go on Zoloft but she refused. Good luck with yours. Also DH has it but he not crazy about it - yet.
Clare

Here is a link that might be useful: hypochondriasis

Everything you're saying makes sense. My MIL is also a cleanliness fanatic. She also has an obsession with her "bottom"...I'll spare you the details :)

I don't think I could ever get her back to a psychiatrist again, although I think that's exactly what she needs.

Will the family doctor prescribe the anti-depressants and tell her that they will help with whatever the ailment du jour is? Here in rural Virginia, you have to be _very significantly_ mentally ill to see a psychiatrist. The family doctors are the ones who prescribe psych meds. And from what you describe, the psych drugs are what she needs to treat her complaints, assuming he's ruled out anything physical of course.

As for your interactions with her, someone in a similar situation told me that he says to his mom (the hypochondriac) that he tells her he loves her, he's sorry she's suffering, he's sorry that he can't do anything to help, and he doesn't want to hear any more about it. That last part is probably not an exact wording:-) but he is firm about it after giving her a few minutes to vent.

I think I have my account set up so that you can e-mail me, if not post here to let me know. I used to work as a nurse, have a mother with Alzheimer's, and know that some "bottom obsessions" are not that unusual in people that age. If you want to e-mail me with any additional info, I'll be happy to give any ideas I have.

I don't know what your resources are like there, but it could be that some counseling for yourself for having to deal with this could be helpful. It sounds like you love her very much, are very concerned, and miss the person she used to be.

Best of luck,
Sarah

Will the family doctor prescribe the anti-depressants and tell her that they will help with whatever the ailment du jour is?

NO NO NO Please don't go this route. Anti-depressants prescribed without a psychiatric evaluation of the problem could do more harm than good.

She may have dementia,she may have suffered a mild stroke, she may be OCD, she may be Bipolar. Whatever the illness or chemical imbalance it must be professionally diagnosed before treatment with mental health drugs. You want to help her, not send her into possible psychosis.

I think she suffers from something real, even if it is hypochondria. Someone needs to talk to her doctor, and maybe both you and your DH ought to make an appointment to consult. I like many of the suggestions here, especially timberframe4us' but I also think she needs some kind of medical attention for her mental state. Bless you for caring so much. And also, do protect yourself too as Suzie 53 suggests.

Hello...

I'm a critical care nurse in the intensive care unit. Please take some time and look up Munchausen Syndrome. In addition, as people get elderly, some do experience dementia and especially at night they experience "sundowner's syndrome". I feel for you- this is something your MIL's doctor must address instead of allowing her to diagnose herself.

My MIL used to read magazines, self-diagnose and run to a doctor demanding such-and-such medication. She passed away in 2005. We found enough prescription medications in her house to fill as shoebox. Tossed them all in the trash.

She was evaluated by a psychiatrist, but that was quite a while ago. He determined that she had a depression problem. She took the meds for about six months and then threw them away. I do suspect Munchausen Syndrome. Now, however, she is starting to deteriorate a bit..but it's hard to evaluate because nobody can trust her perception of her pain and other symptoms. I recently had a thread on here about that.

I'm going with her to the doctor tomorrow. It's the first time I've gone with her, because my SIL usually goes. That was a drama in itself.

We don't think she is suffering from any dementia. She has an excellent memory of anything medical. She remembers when she went to all her medical appointments, and what the doctor said at those appointments. Actually, I had to go back to a specialist that I had seen three years ago, but I couldn't remember his name. My MIL remembered. If it's medical, her mind is like a steel trap, but if it's anything else she doesn't remember for two minutes. But that's because she doesn't pay attention to that stuff...it doesn't interest her.

I noticed that you said that if she had Alzheimer's it would have shown up by now. Actually, it and other dementias can show up at any time. Also, dementia can be caused by many things other than Alz.

As to wildchild's "no no no," if you feel that in your area the psychiatrists usually handle all the psych issues and that the family doctors would have little/no experience with psych issues, then i have to agree with her. on the other hand, if it's like here (and it doesn't sound like it is as drastic as here since she was able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist once in the past) and the family practice doctors are familiar with psych illnesses, I have to strongly disagree with her. You're going to have to use your judgment, and maybe your SIL has as opinion too.

(Just to give you some idea of what would happen here if the family docs didn't treat psych illnesses...I know someone who was in the psych hospital as an outpatient for a week for suicidal ideation (without plan) and under my supervision while not at the hospital. She was seen by the psychiatrist while in the hospital and had her meds adjusted by him. Upon discharge though, she was returned to the care of her family doc who had been managing her meds before. And BTW, I'm pretty sure it wasn't his inappropriate management that landed her in the hospital--I think she was snowing him and the same would have happened with a shrink. As a nurse, I know that her doctor asks the right questions.)

So, I just want to try to clarify why I made the suggestion that I did and also to point out that "no no no" is not the right suggestion everywhere either. It may be the right suggestion where she is if there are plenty of shrinks, and thus the family docs there don't have a lot of knowledge/experience with psych illness. It's a judgment call.

Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't in a good position to make that kind of judgment. If anyone knows a good psychiatrist who would be interested in living in a rural area of Virginia, please have him/her e-mail me for more information about the area. (It's a wonderful place to live, unless you need a psychiatrist:-) ) I don't think that someone who's been hospitalized _should_ go back into the care of a family doctor, but that's what the patient load of the psychiatrists we have here is like.

Sorry to go on so long. I just have to put this out there more for other people who might read it and might live in an area like where I live. And although my opinion is strong, I'm not completely disagreeing with wildchild either.

Sarah

What really surprises me is that, after she refused to leave the hospital, that they didn't consider holding her on a 72-hour psychiatric observation.

good point, kframe19! maybe that suggests that "no!," regarding getting psych care from the general docs, is the right choice for that area. i'm so unaware of how things work in the Canadian medical system other than to know that it can be quite different from here in the US.

That is a good point Kframe. I wish he had done that. This is a small town, and I think he just sees her as eccentric. I could be wrong. I just met him today for the first time. And I think he's worn down, from years of her not listening to him. I know that it took a lot for her to agree to going to the psychiatrist the other time, and then she only complied for about 6 months. He's an older man too. He must be close to 70, I think.