Ditto, Kath, to what Kat said. Enough is enough.

When I was her age, I was totally intimidated by adults and would do anything they said, and wouldn't dream of asking or demanding a single thing of them, especially if I was a guest. And to harass her "friends" like that? Weird!

Good for you......

Good for you Kath!!! Hopefully red tape, or something doesn't delay things, and she's out of your home soon!!

Have a celebration dinner with Lauren, Alex and Sola

Your not giving up, your making the right decision :) I'm very happy for you, you'll have your family back to normal before long.

This girl sounds like a manipulative little brat! I do find it funny she needs to go to Wal-Mart so often....are you sure she isn't up to something else when she it there? She may have sticky fingers even if she has the money. Any young girl that behaves like she has/does deserves to be sent home. I would make certain her parents are contacted.

Best Wishes to you & your family,
Ginger

She has gone to swim practice and I'm dreading her return because I'm tired (no sleep today) and she is going to drive me insane coming up with excuses, I just know it-lol.

I agree, YOU are NOT giving up. You are restoring your family--just a thought--does she have or could get keys to your home? Might think about changing the key locks. That is a locksmith can change the locks but not have to replace the entire system. Also check around before she leaves to make sure nothing is missing. Does she go to the same school Lauren goes to? Insist she be put into another school or a different district. She could cause major problems for you and your family. Just a thought
Sending HUGS and soothing thoughts
Marie

I can't imagine how this girl can be expected to find a place to stay on her own. Please made sure the CIEE coordinator understands that she's going to have to step up and find another family. My neighbor has hosted many foreign students and only twice has she had students who were unable (or unwilling) to follow the guidelines. I don't know what group she worked with but in both cases the agency overseeing the students found new homes.

Marie-ndcal, yes she goes to the same school as Lauren and Sola. I have a feeling she isn't going to find another place to stay so she will more than likely go back to Russia.

Well, the coordinator just called me and she basically said that she had no one waiting to take her or any other kid in. Most people think this is odd, the people I work with think I'm nuts and keep asking what I get out of it because they don't get it.

I think your doing the right thing.

But, I would think the agency would be responsible to find her a new place to stay.

Doesn't matter what her excuses are, it's over. You've given her every chance. I'm surprised she even got to go on this exchange. Surely her spoiled personality would have come out in the interview. I use to interview students from our school for AFS. One of my favorite questions for the girls was "What would you do if your host family only allows showers once a week?" That was after explaining about different customs in different countries and knowing that most girls in the U.S. shower daily. The answer told me a lot. One very lovely, very fastidious girl said she would just insist on having one every day. Her application went directly into the circular file. To me, this wasn't just about the student having a new, different and exciting experience, but essentially they are mini ambassadors for their country.

You are doing the right thing. Not only for you and your family but for your other exchange student, too. Who knows, it might even help Liza mature and become less self indulgent. (I doubt it, but that would be a wonderful side benefit)

I think you are doing the right thing. This kid could really get your family in trouble particularly with the hours you work.

note to self...."no exchange students"...........lol. sorry, couldn't resist.
I agree, time to get her outta there.

Yep, Ritamay, just kick me in the behind if I start talking about having one next year, ok?

Awww, Kath, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but don't think of this as a failure or that you are giving up. There was a failure but it wasn't yours. That young lady needs a good swift kick in the butt, and so does the coordinator. I would give her a deadline, tell her that Lisa must be out of your home by 5pm on Wednesday (or whatever you decide) or you are driving her to the coordinator's house. Or speak to her supervisor. Period.

Fingers crossed the coordinator doesn't drag her feet.

Good move, Kath.

I really believe her behavior is perfectly normal back home and tolerated.

When I read your first post, I thought this was probably the case.

You shouldn't feel badly because this didn't work out. Somewhere there was a big failure in the system, as this girl never should have made it through.

They are here to learn about American culture, not to be waited on/chauffeured on demand/or upset your home life and make your and the lives of your family miserable.

I strongly suggest you do as Lynn_d said:

"tell her (the coordinator) that Lisa must be out of your home by 5pm on Wednesday (or whatever you decide) or you are driving her to the coordinator's house. Or speak to her supervisor. Period."

If the child is on her door step she's more likely to resolve the problem sooner.

I hope the girl learns something from this experience, but whether she does or not, you deserve a break.

I never realized hosting an exchange student could be so
difficult. You have given it your best.

The coordinator seems like she is putting you off since she first stated the student has to find a new home. No way can that be right! Now with no other home lined up even though she knew you were having problems, she could put you off for weeks. I agree on a deadline (sooner rather than later). She is not just irritating you, she is affecting the other kids in the house. Enough is enough. Its not your problem, but theirs. Go up her chain of command.

I don't think you are giving up, I think you are standing up for your principles and your family! Call them again. Make them take her.

I had to do that once, and our lives were well worth the effort.

Sometimes these "kids" come here, cause their parents don't know what to do anymore.

Moni

The building that you live in is your home, and you should not have to put up with any "carp" from this girl. You should not have to wait an undetermined length of time for the coordinator to find other accommodations for the girl. You have the absolute right to say that the girl must be removed from your home within 24 (or be generous and say 36) hours because she poses a threat to the safety and well being of your children and the other exchange student.

There's spoiled brats all over isn't there? Sorry it came to this but glad you gave it everything you could and you sure have my full support and a tip of the hat to you for hosting.

If the outfit tries giving any flak, stand your ground. You're not only doing what's right for you and your family but you're also doing what's right for her. She needs to learn a lesson.

I second the motion to check for missing items, change locks and the like. It's just the right thing to do.

Have a favorite calming beverage and take solace that you're doing what's right under what must be very stressful conditions. And remember good times with other students who weren't so problematic.

Kath, you made the right decision. I had no idea what this thread was about, but 25 years ago my parents did the same thing.

Back in 1983 we took in a Japanese exchange student named Keiko because she was so miserable at her placement home. They made Keiko join every club, go to church and be in the choir, and on weekends they always had full days packed for her. Back in Japan Keiko would go to school, come home and take a nap, then do her own thing. She was so overloaded all she could say was "I want to go home".

My mom learned about her and talked to all of us, I was a freshman in high school and Keiko was a senior, I knew her but we weren't friends or anything. My sister and I agreed to let her come live with us, and her coordinator got her to agree to give it one more try.

When she got home from school, she took a nap then did her thing until dinner and bedtime. She cooked several traditional Japanese dishes for us (her first family wouldn't even let her make anything, they were like "ewww, octopus!") but she fell right into our family like she was meant to be there. We took two family trips, one to Washington DC, the other to Chicago, two places she had chosen as places she always wanted to see.

We cried for days when she left.

Forward three years to 1986, another unhappy student named Christie from Brazil. The day she moved in and my dad came home from work that night she ran up, threw her arms around him and yelled "DADDY!!!". My mom said the look on my sister's and my face would have backed down a pack of wolves. That is NOT your daddy, he is OUR daddy.

It just got worse from there. After dinner she would sneak upstairs and take a bath, leaving my sister and I to do the dishes (that didn't last long, finally my mom told her if she left she would do they all herself after the bath). She and my mom got into a screaming match because my mom (and the AFS proram) wouldn't let her get a job. She was here on a student visa, not a work visa, legally she couldn't get a job. I have never seen my mom so mad. Then she would lie to get things. For extra money she was allowed to babysit (poor kids) and she would go through people's closets and tell them she had no other clothes and she liked this dress or that coat and people would give them to her!!!

Finally we gave up. No one would take Christie, so her coordinator had to take her in.

My mom had nightmares for years after, of Christie's mom using a voodoo doll on her, she would wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Not every student is a good match, and I know you did everything you could to help this girl, some just feel entitled to everything because this is America!

Let us know what happens, the sooner she leaves the sooner your family can start healing. Biggest hugs to you.

High five Kath. You are doing what is right for your family. Get that brat out of your home ASAP. She needs to go back to Russia. Her parents were probably glad to get rid of her for a year.

After much crying and what I finally realized was her probably trying to manipulate me, I stood my ground. She at first said if I didn't give her another chance she would just go back to Russia and refused to ask her friends. Well, she did ask her friends, just came out of her room a little bit ago and told me she is going to her friend's house tomorrow after school and they are going to discuss her living with them. She was perfectly fine, which makes me even more sure that all the tears were her attempts to manipulate me in to changing my mind. She also talked to the regional director of the program.

She really had no clue she was being so annoying and demanding. Probably never will. She tried to make me feel sorry for her saying she was beat up by a gang of students back home after she got her scholarship to this program. And that no one back there understood her. Lauren later came home and I mentioned that to her, but Lauren said Liza told her that one girl verbally threatened her only. Liza was describing bruises all over her arms, the police being called etc... What a crock. She also said no one back home cared about her but she has lots of friends from back home on Facebook and even her boyfriend from back home just posted recently that he loved her...all the while Lauren is telling me she was just caught making out and some guy trying to pull her shirt off in his car...yep...unbelievable.

I told her it would be better for everyone even her because she kept saying she would try to be friends with Lauren but she would just want to go in her room and be alone. Well, it wasn't always like that. Lauren just got overwhelmed by the neediness and demands. I told Lauren she needed to answer her questions honestly and not try to be nice. Lauren doesn't want to confront her at all. I can't say I blame her. It took forever to get through our talk, with her going on and on about wanting another chance. I kept telling her I wasn't going to talk anymore tonight but she kept on.

The family she is going to talk with is one she's been spending a lot of time with. The one she went to Louisville with without my permission or knowledge. Maybe this will be better for everyone. I don't feel so bad about it anymore.

Good for you!!!!

good luck and hope the situation ends successfully

Keeping fingers crossed that the problem is solved!

I too, hope they take her in. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

She will probably end up staying but at least it won't be in your home. She needs to be put on a plane with a note pinned to her saying, "To Russia, with love."

You did the right thing and I hope your family will be back to business as usual very quickly.

Linda

I would really make sure in these last few days that you watch the money, jewelry, any medicine and other things of value... I wouldn't put it past her not to steal whatever she feels she is entitled to.

Good for you and good luck.

Everyone is going to be so much happier......perhaps not the new family. LOL

I agree with cwnev, she's manipulative and I can imagine her being vindictive, too. Watch out for theft of clothing and perhaps even sabotage to the house (like she knows that water all over the bathroom irks you) on her way out.

I hope she's able to sell herself to that other family (figuratively, of course) so that they'll take her, that would probably get her out of your house faster than having to wait for a flight to Russia to be arranged. I feel kind of sorry for the next family that takes her, though, because she will do the very same thing to them.

Kath, "our girl" actually threatened us. For the first time in our lives, Jerry removed all guns from the house, and didn't even wear his work pistol when he came home (he was a police officer at the time).

My oldest daughter lived in fear from her. After she finally confided in me, that girl was out of the house the same day.

I threatened the coordinator that her bags were packed, and that I would leave her at the bus station.

Things can happen, if you are really firm.

Good luck to you and your family.

On another note, she did stay in the same school, but gave absolutely no more problems (to us), and she didn't steal from us, as far as we knew.

Moni

Let us hear your sigh of relief when she is out and GONE!

The less you say to her the better. She only needs to hear, "This isn't a good fit." Don't be drawn into anything beyond that.

Good for you.You did the correct thing. Makes me reconsider ever having exchange students. I couldn't deal with ones like her.

I bet her mother danced all the way home from the airport when she dropped that girl off for the exchange program.

What a piece of work. I know you were hoping for another Maria but you really got burned this time.

...it's taking control and doing what's best for you and your family.

I don't know about you, but I'm about fed up with tha co-ordinator. She sure hasn't been much help to you or the exchange student. I don't think a high school girl should be able to choose another family to live with. They just need to send her home. Make sure if she moves that you have no more responsibility for her OR her move.

Well, the coordinator called me again this morning and just a few minutes ago. I just woke up. Liza is supposed to be talking to this family now. The coordinator told me last night that the regional director couldn't stand her the first time she met her. Same reasons, manipulating, self-centered, and attention seeking. She also said that Liza has been trying to get her to have a party with all the other foreign exchange students in the area. She had told me something about it but made it sound like it was the coordinator's idea...nope, it was Liza saying she should do this party for them. Wow.

According to the coordinator it shouldn't take too long once the new family goes on-line and fills out the application if they decide to take her. It was really uncomfortable this morning. I made breakfast for the girls but she didn't want any. When she left she wouldn't even look at me, which is fine. Better than her trying to get me to change my mind again.

Moni, that's really scary. I don't think she will do anything but Lauren made a joking comment about her killing us all in our sleep. I told her if she asks her anything she needed to tell her the truth, but Lauren said, "can't I just run away really quick?" She doesn't want to confront her at all.

Just stay alert to the situation. How long does it take for the family to fill out the application and why is she not being placed out of the area? Is the family friends of You? Maybe the family really does not want to assume responsibility. I would give the coordinator a time limit, but get a signed statement from her that you will not be held liable for anything the girl says or does. Who knows what she will tell other. Personally I think she should be sent home. Lauren sounds scared and I wonder if she has threaten her/your family and she does not want to worry you. Please, stay safe.
Marie

Marie, it only takes a few minutes on-line to fill the application out. Then they have to do a background check. No, this family isn't a friend of mine, she is her tennis coach's family. The older girl befriended Liza.

I don't think Lauren is scared, just annoyed by her constant neediness. She said tonight that if this family didn't take Liza I should give her another chance, but I think it's her friends making her feel bad about sending her away.

Stay strong. I was in your shoes at one time. Do not let her stay. You can tell Lauren to tell her friends that it's you that is being the bad guy and not Lauren. That'll take her off the hook. Do NOT feel guilty. You will be much happier once she is gone. Trust me on that one.

I'm not sure how this girl got into the program but I can tell you that the main way to get into the program is money. While programs here may screen applicants going oversees, many oversees programs do not screen the applicants much, if at all. It is truly about the money with some organizations. The organizations here are not run overseas. Instead, they contract with an oversea organization in a particular country. The first exchange student we had told me that she had many organizations to choose from at charging varying amounts. She said that some just took the money and guaranteed the students a place here. It may not actually be a home but it may be just a flophouse of sorts. She said that she chose an organization that did not make promises. I can tell you that they did a great job of screening her. I received a printout of her answers that the screener asked, a letter from her parents on what any problems may be, a letter from her on her on what she hoped to do and learn hear, letters from her teachers at school including the English teacher, three letters of recommendations and her grades. I can say that her grades were not great in Germany and she did struggle here so we had to place her in easier classes. As far as the other girl that did not work out for us, we didn't receive much. We mainly received a letter from the girl and a letter from the mother. That should have been our clue but I let my daughter make the final choice. She wasn't my first choice at the time but I thought that possibly I was being too hard. I should have listened to my instincts.

Possibly the organization that Liza worked with didn't even screen her, they just took the money.

Hi kathsgrdn (with some weeds growing recently that got somewhat out of hand),

I'm sorry that you've had so much trouble with the guest, lately.

I hope that you won't get such a bad taste in your mouth over it that you swear off of ever having another! It seems to me that such experiences of people in other cultures is helpful in building international understanding and co-operation, on the local and individual level ... including forestalling potential future wars.

It sounds as though she liked to get her way, was pushing a lot, and you put up with it for a while ... and things went from bad to worse.

It seems to me that such a "guest" is largely a guest ... for about a week - then becomes a member of the family and has to live by family rules.

Did you, shortly after she began making what you considered excessive demands, call her on those actions, and say that she was overstepping the boundaries?

It seems to me that you were, from the report here, almost being bullied ... and we are told not to let people do that to us - plus, not to stand by and watch others doing it without saying anything.

I think that after she'd had a couple of instances of such instruction, that it would have been a good idea to have logged every time that she asked to have service which you figured was more than appropriate ... which also included sneaking out of helping with the dishes.

When she continued to ask excessively ... and make demands ... quoting from the log when repeating what the guidelines were would no dount surprise her ... and likely shock her a bit, which could well produce better behaviour without a lot more hassle.

Then, when she asks for too much, to tell her that it's not convenient to fulfill her desire ... and only let yourself be sweet-talked into changing your tune on rare occasions.

Also, if she tried to get Lauren's friend to call the pizza joint after Lauren had refused, to let her know that, were she to do such, that asking the friend more than once (if once were allowed) was an unfair pressure on Lauren's friend, and was not to be repeated. In fact, on the initial attempt, when she kept at it, to cut her off and say that she was to stop that, right now: bugging me is one thing but bugging my friends just doesn't cut it!

I hope that things soon get back to normal and you folks can heave a sigh of relief ... and smile.

ole joyful

P.S. What might have happened were you to have started calling her, "Princess", after some efforts to have cut her demands down to size, which had proved rather futile?

rascally o j

In 1981 we hosted a 13 year old Japanese boy who turned out to be a royal PITA. He really didn't want to be away from home but his mom insisted. His 15 year old sister lived with another family and wasn't happy there so we took her in just so we could communicate better with the boy. She spoke great English, he didn't.

Fast forward to 1983. DH and I took a trip to Japan. The kid's mom invited us out to a very nice dinner and insisted on paying the entire bill. We then walked to a boutique store that she owned and operated. It was nothing but expensive brand name clothes and purses. She waved her hand in a wide circle and said to me, please, take anything you would like. I was confused so I asked the daughter what her mother was trying to do. She spoke briefly with her mom and then turned to me and said, my mother knows what a problem my brother can be and wants to thank you for your patience with him and taking her daughter out of a home she hated.

I still have the gorgeous Cartier purse from that evening that nearly got ripped to shreds during 'crush hour' on the Tokyo train home. :-)

Jodi-

So, Jodi, do you still stay in contact with that family? Wonder what the boy thinks of his behavior now?

Well, Liza came home from her friend's house and they are planning to take her in!!!!

Scissors, they do screen them and she actually won a scholarship to come here. The plane ride, money for her monthly expenses, etc... I got a huge packet on her with her grades, health history, letters of recommendation from her teachers, letter from her mom, etc...Lauren and I both liked her introduction to herself and why she wanted to come to the U.S.

When I asked Lauren why she wanted to give her another chance she said, "do you want to do that to another family?" LOL!

I think she will be happier with them, and hope she behaves herself so they don't decide they made a big mistake.

Kathsgrdn - Well it sounds like you did everything right and the organization did too as far as the screening. I guess even with the screening a couple of bad ones can get thru. I'm glad you get your home back. I'm sure you will be really happy with the other exchange student and she's probably relieved also!

Kath, I was so glad when I got to the post where you said you just stood your ground (and told her it wasn't working out). Good for you! I think we should change the title of the thread from "I am giving up" to "I am standing up" and THEN celebrate with a little coctail when that nightmare leaves your house!