Want your opinion...am I being too harsh?

15 years ago

Last week a young local man died of leukemia at the age of 25. It was incredibly sad...and the funeral was today. He got married 15 months ago, and his wife is 23. Since their marriage, they have been putting jars around the local businesses and running fund raising events for money for his leukemia treatments. Every now and then the newspaper would run an article telling people where they could send money to help him. I saw no problem with this, and thought it was nice that people were doing what they could to help this young couple.

Now I find out that my husbands cousins daughter is best friends with the wife. She said that while the young man was going through treatments, the couple were pursuing some sort of fertility treatment (not sure if it was in vitro, or what), and they spent $7,000 on fertility treatments (which didn't take). I think this was wrong, as when people fund raise for medical treatment, it is presumed that the parties involved have no other funds available to them. My mil is kind of shocked that I am thinking this way....it never occurred to her to think this way. I feel that their priority should have been spending the $$ to save his life, or at least let people be aware that they did have other funds that they wished to spend on something else.

What do you think?

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Comments (21)

mariend
15 years ago
I have mixed feelings. I can see wanting a baby to remember the husband, but at 23 she will have to make alot of decisions. Hopefully all the medical bills will be paid without asking for more funds. I think our responses will depend on our age and experiences. I personally think the money should go to the bills or research--my opinion only.
susan_on
Original Author
15 years ago
The money is already spent. They spent their savings on fertility treatments, while they canvassed for money for medical treatment. It was never made known to the public they were canvassing, that they had savings they were spending to have a baby.
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This sounds so much like my situation 5 years ago and if you were 25 years older I might think you were my ex husband's new wife. Don't blame the kid and don't blame his mom. Blame your 'husband'. My ex did this and in the end, his new wife won... She got him cause I was done with him. He would tell her that he was just trying to make me happy or keep me happy or that I was threatening him or that I was keeping him from seeing his child etc etc etc. Never true. He was getting his cake and eating it too. It all sounds so familiar and honey, it doesn't change nor does it stop. HE is lying to you. HE slept with someone else. HE ignored your calls. HE ignored your texts. No one else did that or made those decisions. Unfortunately, what it sounds like is he is still too young to be settled down(my ex was 35 so age really does not always have to be a factor) The hostility between you and your husband's ex will probably never end because you are fighting for the same man and neither one of you has realized yet that HE is NOT the last man on earth and that HE is not the answer to all of your dreams. There is happiness out there. This is not happiness. You just need to realize that you can be happy and that you need to make the decision to be happy. Being with a man that is still entangled with his ex(mother of his child) will never end well. He has moved on before completely that relationship. You see... I moved on. I found happiness. I found a man that was available mentally, emotionally and physically. Not still 'entangled' with his ex and their child. (he doesn't have an ex or a child) But MY ex is still with that same woman that is in your position and 5 years later they are no happier today than they were the first day they met. It's obvious that all of the lies and cheating and ignoring phone calls and texts, still haunts her or else she wouldnt have a problem allowing my ex to co parent with me about our daughter. He isn't even allowed to speak to me on the phone. She has to keep such a close eye on Him constantly and I can't imagine what kind of life that would be like. That you can't even trust your own man to visit family or to o to work or to go to the store because he might 'fall' and endin up sleeping with someone.... Think long and hard. You can get out of this and I am not a 'go get a divorce now' advocate but because I've been in a situation similiar and I see the misery that has followed these two for 5 long years, i can't think of any other solution for someone in your shoes. I'm SO sorry. This sucks. But on the other hand, I still can't understand why you married him and why you have to keep it quiet?? And take it from the ex wife ... If he isn't telling you what is going on with the parenting plan and just discussing with you what is going on, there probably is more to the story.
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rosebudms
15 years ago
Money collected because of his illness should go to cover the medical expenses of his illness.
ruthieg__tx
15 years ago
I agree with you...
heather_on
15 years ago
I don't think that you are being too harsh at all. If he lived in Ontario wouldn't the majority of his medical treatments be covered? I can imagine that some of his oral drugs that weren't given in a hospital wouldn't be covered. Money collected certainly shouldn't have gone for fertility treatments.
lilliepad
15 years ago
So you are saying they knew when they married that he had leukemia,or did they find out afterwards or after fertility treatments had already started? That would be the question in my mind.I also think one should never jump to conclusions or judge anyone's motives for whatever they are doing,even if the husband's cousin's daughter is best friends with this person.She still may not have all the facts.JMHO
susan_on
Original Author
15 years ago
They knew he had leukemia when they married, he had it for five years. They started the fertility treatments after they were married.
golfergrrl
15 years ago
If they had millions in the bank, I'd be disturbed by the canvassing. I assume the money collected did go to medical expenses. Under the circumstances, what they did with their savings is understandable and doesn't bother me. I'm sorry she couldn't get pregnant. $7000 wouldn't cover much of his medical bills anyhow. Did he have insurance? Sometimes when monies are collected like that, no stipulation is put on how it's spent. It's money to help where needed.
susan_on
Original Author
15 years ago
My last post seems to have disappeared. I think the money that they canvassed DID go to medical expenses. In our province, all of his hospital stays and most of his treatments were covered by out health plan. But one medication that he was taking was not covered, and I believe it was expensive.
pattico_gw
15 years ago
If it was collected for medical purposes...and they used it for fertility.....could it be called fraud????

Not throwing stones....just wondering
golfergrrl
15 years ago
The way I understand it is that they used their savings for the fertility treatments....not the collected money. I never assumed that a collection jar was for somebody with NO money.
paula_pa
15 years ago
I've heard of collected money being spent on worse. I don't find this to be unforgivable. I'm a sentimental person and I can see why they would do this. They probably knew very well that his prognosis wasn't good. I'm sad that the fertility treatments didn't work although perhaps it was all for the best, depending on the circumstances.
western_pa_luann
15 years ago
Fertility treatments ARE medical procedures.

There was no fraud involved, unless they specifically said that the money was going to leukemia expenses.

I wouldn't judge someone who wanted to leave his wife with a child before he died ....
maybee_gw
15 years ago
Yeah, and then she would have collected Social Security benefits for said baby until he/she was of age...
susan_on
Original Author
15 years ago
The money that was canvassed was specifically requested for medical expenses for the leukemia. I guess I wasn't thinking that it was fraud exactly....just that it was morally wrong. Every article about them, where they were asking for money, said that money was being sought for his leukemia treatment because they had no money. They left out saying that they did have money for something else.
nancylouise5me
15 years ago
If you are fund raising for a specific reason (for paying the bills associated with this young man's leukemia) then any monies collected should only be used for that reason. You are deceiving the people who chose to donate for that reason. Maybe if they knew it was going towards something else they would not have given any monies. As one who has worked on many, many local fund raisers for all sorts of things, all monies went to the cause. NancyLouise
marilyn_c
15 years ago
It's wrong, but they were very young and that is a lot to deal with, and I can see a young woman wanting that, and so, no, I couldn't be very upset about it.
jannie
15 years ago
I can't believe in this day and age that his medical bills had to be paid by begging for charity. Didn't he have Social Security/Medicare or State Medicaid? The issue of infertility and a child conceived after his death is totally wrong,IMO. I feel sorry for his widow.
Zipper_TX
15 years ago
I guess I'm looking at this from a whole different attitude....I'm just going by my own viewpoint.

Now with that said I think what they did or didn't do with the money isn't any of my business, the people who gave them money did so with a good kind heart and they were not taken advantage of or robbed, you said the couple used that money for his treatment so where's the problem? They used their own savings for the fertility treatments, sounds to me like they were not trying to cheat anybody.

JMHO but I don't think you should be upset about how they used the money it's their business and it sure sounds like they did the right thing.

Hugs!
cynic
15 years ago
Not enough info for me to form much of an opinion on this but a couple comments. While it doesn't seem to pass the smell test, it doesn't sound Enron devious and with the way things are today, it's just not a big deal. The other thing that jumps out is how people make a big deal out of what will that poor widow do with an infant and no father... and they were doing their best to put themselves, well, her in that position. What would that do for her future? I guess I'm relieved for her that she didn't get pregnant, frankly, all things considered. It may sound cold, but it's very likely she'll find someone else she'll fall in love with and could have a child with him rather than have to find someone who wants to be stepdad to her child. This way, after she's finished grieving, she can work, associate, socialize and yes, even date, get married and/or have a child.

This certainly doesn't minimize the sadness of the lad's death so young. Just getting started in life in a lot of ways. And my frustration always is that there's so many others who are so much more deserving of something like this...
kathleen44
15 years ago
No, I wouldn't get upset as they wanted a baby so bad. Also wouldn't it have been wonderful if she did get pregnant with his baby? What a blessing that would have been for her when her husband died?

I would have been so happy for her to have that blessing.

Want your opinion...am I being too harsh?

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