Well, giving the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, maybe you ARE being a beech. So what? It's YOUR house!!!! If there's anyplace you are allowed to be a beech, it's in your OWN house!!!! If she doesn't like it, she needs to find her a new place to stay! If they are not working, what do they do all day? Are they hanging around the house? If so, put them to work. Hand her the vacuum. I hope to heaven's they are at least doing their own laundry.

As to how to get them out? Ask them if they have a plan. They simply cannot live off you indefinitely.

Last but not least, if they have been there over a month, they are not house guests. As much as you love this young man, he is not your son.

You should just sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Tell him you've done what you can for them but it would be best if they found somewhere else to live. You will eventually come to resent this boy, the girl more than likely won't be around that much longer anyway so there's no need to stress where she's concerned. You will be doing them a favor in the long run and perhaps you will help him out more than either of you know.
You owe it to yourself to do this, you don't owe them anything.
I hope it works out for you, you need to be able to focus on your loss and right now this is not a healthy situation that will allow you to do so. The sooner you do this the better, as this anniversary date nears the harder asking them to leave will be.
Good Luck

OMG! What a horrible mess...I feel very sorry that you are going through this. They need to be OUT of your house...the sooner the better.
Joann

Nuts? You are far from nuts!!

Seriously, Laura, you have made excuse after excuse for these people, calling yourself petty. They should be doing everything possible to be helpful to you and to be courteous guests, and they are not. And as for the dog situation, that is scary; I don't care how wonderful the dog is.

I think your husband is in denial because he feels the connection with your dear son through this young man. I understand that.

I'm like you. I don't like confrontations. Get with your husband and tell him how you feel. Develop some plan for these young people as to how to ease them out of your home, because if you don't, they will not be leaving. Letting them mooch off you is holding them back from becoming self-sufficient grown-ups. After some time has passed in your home, they become too comfortable and will make no effort to leave.

Make a plan for what you will say to them. Then take a deep breath, be brave, be strong, and then tell them. You are suffering too much, and it's not good for you.

I'm glad you wrote all this down because I think you see it more clearly now.

Also, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your son. It's life's most horrible trick on loving parents. Sending you a hug.

P.S. Don't make excuses for her because she is bi-polar. (Is she diagnosed as bi-polar? Or does she just say that?) There are meds for that and thousands of bi-polar people functioning, holding jobs, etc.

This post was edited by socks12345 on Wed, Oct 30, 13 at 18:36

I wouldn't care if they were the sweetest, most considerate people in the world. (They aren't.) They are living off you. They need to grow up, and you need to help them do it by telling them they need to leave.

It's not up to you to house them until they 'find themselves' or find another place to live.

"This is as long as we are comfortable hosting you. You need to find another place to live. Good-bye. Call us when you get settled." That's ALL! No mincing words or saying you are 'sorry'. You have nothing to be 'sorry' about!

I agree with Socks. Your DH is being blind about being used. This ISN'T your boy, much as you'd wish it was.

In my experience, people you help *too much* end up resenting you for it.

Take Caroline's post and add my name to it.

No one can take advantage of you unless you let them!!! JMO Of course.

Kick them to the curb,they are playing with your hearstrings,don't fall for it any longer.

i'm sorry for loss of your son,and your son would not be happy for what they are putting you thru.

Good luck to ya,stay strong.
Kathi

First, sympathy to you for the loss of your son....hugs!

Can you have a heart to heart talk with the boy...without her? Sounds like you need her and her dog out of your house and out of his life! Believe me, if she is bi-polar, his life will be pure he-- if she is not on....and stays on...medication. A young man has no idea what this might be like....I know!...and I can relate to you walking on egg shells.

My heart goes out to that young man...he is probably morning the loss of his best friend also, no job, no money, no home, beachy girlfriend, etc.

You need to get your DH on the same page...and dear, do not call your feelings "petty". You need to take a firm hand on this situation sooner than later. Bless you and keep us informed...you have support here!

don't sit down for an heart to heart it will only get sidetracked. just get the kid/man aside and show him what you wrote us...know it's blunt but he has to grow up sometime...give a 2 week notice, period...your dh has to get back to you and the rest of YOUR family...maybe some grief counseling either pro, church, dr...a year is such a short time...

are you friendly with the parents of the young man? i'd call and get their side...they may have been using tough love by not letting him move back home....

goodness knows I wish we had some way of coping with the loss of a loved child...((((auntyara)))

These things are not petty; you can stop saying that.

Take charge. And clue your husband in. This is not honoring your dear son nor do I imagine that your son would be happy that they are treating you and your hospitality this way.

Boot 'em. Nicely, but firmly.

I think it speaks volumes that neither his or her OWN PARENTS stepped up to do what you did.
You need to ask yourself why and maybe they were the ones that were right.
Suggest that they now need to seek assistance from their own families.

I agree with Chisue~~~time is up, good bye~~~the less words you use the better. You did them a favor and it is done. I would not bring up all of my grievences against them, that makes it seem like they can negotiate, and you do not want that. Just make it quick and simple.

They must go, that isn't your problem that they don't have full time jobs, if they can afford to eat out, they can save up for a place, a room somewhere or pay your all rent and do the chores, make a list and the dog, tell them to find another place for it as that is a huge risk to your cats plus granddaughter, don't wait until something drastic could happen.
That gal is lazy and she knew you don't put paper towels down the toilet, you told her where the toilet paper is so its no excuse. And that is part of being responsible pet owner is cleaning up after it, do they even walk that dog?
And they are disrespectful by going on your husband's computer downstairs, who knows what they are doing on it, that can get you all in tons of trouble if is the wrong stuff.
Not fair on how many cats you have freaking out as that one sprayed the window downstairs, probably got cornered, poor thing.

They are using your son that you lost, that is not right on you all, no, they must pull their weight and do chores and clean up and use proper stuff for things like what goes into the toilet.

You let them get away with it, sit down with both and if they raise a rucus, say I want you out by such and such time.

You keep using excuses for them both and that isn't good, that isn't teaching them both anything but hey, we get free ride here and they will stay forever maybe.

Pitbull and 3-year-old granddaughter!? Bad mix.

It is so difficult to lose a son and around the death anniversary, your emotions are right on the surface.
I agree with writing out an contract, including a date to leave, and talk to them face to face.
If you need help, ask a trusted friend or counselor to be with you.
I hope you are considering some professional help to help you with your grief.
My husband refused to get counseling after our son was killed in freak accident but I found it very helpful.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

Like ravencajun said, interesting that neither of their immediate families were willing to assist. Probably a track record there. And what have they done about jobs and independence since moving in?

You have no lease or contract or obligation. Simply said, it is time for them to go. You have no reason to feel guilty. Don't let them try to make you feel that way. Your family situation is changing with the addition of a new grandchild.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Anniversaries are difficult. Not a reason to enable freeloaders.

Sending hugs your way.

This so reminds me of a friend of mine many years ago. Friends of hers and their two daughters moved in. I tried to talk her out of it before it actually happened, but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her that it would be the end of their friendship and it was! In their case, they weren't even destitute. They were building a new house and wanted to save money while it was being built! They weren't helping out with the mortgage payments or food bill. I told my friend that if nothing else, they should be contributing toward the electric bill, water bill and food bill. I could write a book on some of the things that happened it was so incredulous, but what can you expect of someone who is willing to move in and not help out in any way? I can tell you right now, you've already lost the relationship you had with this young man. Cut your losses and give them a week to find some other arrangements. Better yet, help them to pack tomorrow!! People like this do not think like normal people. No matter how much you do for them, they will think you're the bad guys.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss - but your son's friend is TOTALLY taking advantage of you.

Unleashed dog? Stolen cellphone? Won't even replace toilet paper? I doubt you'd have been tolerating that from your own son.

Kick him and his ungrateful girlfriend to the curb. They do not deserve your hospitality.

They are not houseguests - they are freeloaders. There is a reason their own parents won't take them in!

Remember the old saying 'fish and guests start smelling after 3 days - time to get rid of them'? I believe you are well beyond the 'smelly fish' time - they gotta go ASAP!

You deserve to have your home back - right now you have a bed and breakfast and it's not your intent. You've tried to help these young people all you can. It's now time to let someone else try.

Read what Caroline wrote and sign my name to it. Don't wait. Give them notice tomorrow. One week is ample notice. I bet they leave sooner once you tell them they have to leave..

I wouldn't be LOL'ing about any of this mess.

Doormats are meant to be walked on and having mud and other stinky stuff wiped off on them. YOU are being their doormat.

It's disturbing to me that anyone would allow themselves and their family to be held hostage by others.

A new grandchild is coming into the family. That's reason, alone, to tell these people that it is no longer possible for them to remain in your home. You were happy to help them for the short term, but you now have need of the space. All of it.

This is one of those posts that smacks of trolling, especially upon re-reading. :-) In this instance, I hope it IS!

Speaking from personal experience, I was asked by a down and out family member if he and his wife and their two cats could stay with me. I said that they would be welcome for two weeks. No, they could not move all of their considerable belongings in and no to the cats. I had a dog and a cockatiel at the time. They ended up deciding that it made more sense to find a cheap apartment than to rent a storage space and pay a kenneling fee for two cats.

Turns out that their desperation triggered a successful search for employment...menial jobs that turned into very nice careers for both of them.

They had also been turned away by other family members. Providing an easy way out for people is NEVER a true benefit for them.

Seems like everyone has the same thing to say. Read the responses, then take the guy aside and tell him, we need you to leave by November 10 (or another date you pick) , we need to get ready for the new baby. The girl sounds scary, and with a dog that jumps up on you, the 3 year old is not safe! You are good people to offer them a place to stay and to have put up with so much !

This post was edited by jannie on Thu, Oct 31, 13 at 7:10

Wow, You're right.All of you. I let myself get roped in to a bad situation. I am a door mat. But that's it.
This is my house. I can't put up with this!
My husband and I are fighting over this and thats total BS. We have enough to deal with right now.
Just clear things up....
# 1 I don't trust any dog around my granddaughter. Not even my own. I know he would never hurt her on purpose, but accidents happen. And to be perfectly honest, I hate pitbulls.
#2 i only have 2 cats and the one that sprayed the basement window, sprayed it from the outside. thank goodness!
#3 my daughter has her own house, she and my granddaughter were staying for a few days while her husband primed and painted their living room.
#4 My husband and I were trying to do the right thing and it just isn't right.
I do my best to try not to get upset. I couldn't sleep last night.
His mother lives with her boyfriend and the young woman dislikes him. ok guess what? that's not my problem!!!
Her mother just got remarried and doesn't want to deal with her daughters bi polar sickness. Well guess what? that's not my problem either!!!!
I'm very upset right now. My list of "petty crap" goes on and on. I shortened it down so I didn't sound like a total jerk. I feel bad for these two but I've let it take over my whole life.
#5 I wish this was a "troll" post. I know there are jerks out there looking for attention and I'm trying to ignore that comment. If you would have clicked on my gardenweb page you would have seen I've been a member for a few years now. I don't care what you think of me. I was looking for help!
There is an up side to this post (thank goodness)
Yesterday when she went outside after she knew I heard her make a comment about me, well, I think it was me, It could have been another Laura... they left in their car and didn't come home last night. I never know what their doing but I'm hoping she's too embarrassed to come back.
I know, wishful thinking. Their stuff is still here.
I'm not asking my Husband, I'm just telling them they have to move out by the end of next week. No discussions! I don't owe them any explanations. You all have made it perfectly clear that they DO know they are using us.
I'm sorry about the tone of this post but I'm making myself sick over this.
Laura

Laura, stick to your decisions and ACT ON THEM! Let us know how you're doing.

I haven't read all the responses; I got as far as Caroline's and didn't need to go further. So I'm saying "Ditto Caroline," but I'll add this:

I lost a daughter 12 years ago and am well aware of what that can do to a mother. I can understand why you would want to help your son's best friend. But I'm sure your son would not be happy with the way your good deed is working out, and he would especially not be happy with the way the girlfriend is treating you.

One of the things that helped me in my grief was to try to live as my daughter would want me to. I urge you to do the same for yourself. Explain this to your DH, and I hope he will agree.

Good for you....and I take back my troll comment! Stick to your guns....it could even end up being a peaceful separation. Wouldn't that be nice?

Bottom line....you do not deserve to have a pit bull in your home and you do not deserve to have a disrespectful young woman ruling the roost.

Good for you, aunty. Stick to it. And please come back here and continue to rant if you wish, and give us updates.

We will all cheer for you when they're gone!

I could not even imagine staying at somebody's house who is trying to help me, and not even doing some of the housework or cooking. If I couldn't pay rent, why would I not at least do it in trade???

I am sorry you are in this situation, and that it is causing strife between your husband and yourself. (hugs)

Dances.

You've gotten a lot of good advice, and I hope you will take it. I wanted to give you a hug...I lost my only "child" (he was 40 years old) in a car accident in 2006, so I fully understand why you initially took them in. However, they have taken advantage of you, and it has probably made your loss even worse. You might also tell him that you care about him; he was your son's friend, and will always hold a place in your heart, but you are trying very hard to get your life back on track and focus on the good things in the future (rather than the pain of the past)...such as the new baby. Good luck. Hugs!

Dang, I'm kinda hard core, but I'd put their stuff on the porch with a note as to why they are out of your house.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that these two feel that they can take such advantage of your son's friendship.

Just add my name to Caroline's post too.

In life, there are "givers" and "takers". You and your hubby are the givers, they are the takers. Send them on their way OUT of your house.

Sounds like a good day to change the locks and put all their stuff on the porch, like Cate just said.

I don't know why husbands aren't able to see thru stuff like this, I know they hate conflict and maybe aren't home all day to have to put up with it, and maybe it doesn't affect HIM as much as it does YOU, but he needs to do whatever it takes to keep YOU happy, you are his WIFE.

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. Your son, though, would hate that you are being taken advantage of. His friend is obviously whipped to pieces by this young woman and hopefully he'll see that one day.

Like many have said I am sorry for your loss.

I was an "empty nester" for 12 whole days, til my kid's bf called at 1am one morning and asked if he could move in. He came from an abusive household & we had told him numerous times he could move in once he was 18. Three o' clock in the morning my DH was helping load his stuff out f his bedroom window into our truck. Everything was wonderful for the first month, he did chores without being asked, you name it he did it. That is until he got a girlfriend & he got a full time job. The 2 of them went from watching TV in the LR(we were in our bedroom) to watching it in our son's room & she would stay til midnight which kept me up. Then there was the whole who gets the bed when my DS would come home on the weekends from school. I put up with it from October to April. Then much to my dismay he joined the Army (we are a Navy family lol)and left for boot camp. So that solved my problem. Maybe if your DS' friend can't find a real job suggest the military. Have a recruiter "happen" to show up when they are there & get him to listen to the recruiter. Then tell him its either boot camp or camping out somewhere else......lol

If your DH stills puts up a fight tell him he knows where the basement is....jk

Tell your husband he has to understand that YOU have to have your home plus your sanity back and I'm sure he'll understand. I'd try , for your husband's sake, to keep it civil as it sounds like you really care for your son's friend. Take him aside and tell him, in a nice way, that it's all too much for you and you need your space to yourself and you know that he will understand. He can't refute that. Then tell him you want them gone by (three days later). Tell him you wish him well and keep in touch and that's it. This really is way too much for you to handle and keep going on, it has to stop right away. God bless and I'm sure your heavenly son will help you through this.

Having tried "this" myself....I let a high school GF move in with us after she graduated from college. She lived with us for 3 and a half LONG months! I finally made her life sooooooooo miserable with all the beech rant sessions of "You do nothing around here and eat our food, our utillty bill is high, you blow dry your hair at 5am in the morning....you come home from dates at all hours of the night..."

She moved out and I didn't hear from her, so I contacted HER to invite her over for Thanksgiivng.....she complained the gravy was too thin, the whipped cream wasn't real and she wasn't having "FUN"... Then she came back a year later for a vacation and stayed with me....yes.....I have more stories....and I regret having anything to do with her...

END IT NOW! you've done enough already....

Glad to read that you are past the list of complaints and justifications. You know they have to go. You are going to tell the boy to move out by the end of the week. Good!

I'm wondering what they are living on -- other than you. I'm concerned that they have had access to everything in your house for a month. What's on your DH's computer? They could have seen all of your financial records -- CC statements, bank account numbers, etc. I would hope for the best, but assume the worst. Check with your banks. (We froze our own credit reports years ago just as a general precaution against identity theft.)

Your 'antennae' are up...for a reason. Do a check if only to set your mind at ease. I'd also contact the boy's parents to get *their side* of his story.

You have an opportunity to do this boy a favor by making him think harder about the direction he is (is not) taking with his life.

OMG! I did it. they are packing right now!!!!!
I told them that it wasn't working and that I'm too stressed out. They said they understand and have no hard feelings. OMG! what a releif!!!!! Thank goodness I calmed down and took the adult way and just let them know in a calm way.
Thank you very much for all the advise and reassurance I needed.
A special thanks to all the mothers who are healing their own tragic losses. I couldn't have done this without you!
Laura

Blessings to you!! I hope now everything in your life will settle down and you can get rid of the stress you have been living under. I hope DH will understand and your marriage can get back on the good track.
Many hugs and congrats for doing this!!!!!

Congratulations on taking charge of your life!

Congratulations!!! I'm happy you stood up for yourself!

Congratulations on standing up for you, your family, and your household.
I also wanted to add my deepest sympathy for your loss. It's difficult enough going through the grieving period with out disruptions, y'all don't deserve this. The steps of grieving are important and helpful but they can take a while to get through. Blessings and prayers.

Congrats on the move out, keep them out.
And so sorry for the loss of your son.
Hugs, Kathy G in MI

That's awesome!!!!! Glad you have your house back!!!!

Again I am very sorry for the loss of your DS. I can't imagine the loss of a child.

GOOD FOR YOU!

Good. They are leaving...and not returning. (Of course they have 'no hard feelings'!)

I would still do a little checking up on your financial affairs. You may think that's 'not nice', but even if you have known the young man *in the past*, people do change, and he is now influenced by this gal. They never have to know you double-checked your credit and bank. Please do this today.

Fabulous!

I agree with Chisue. I'm glad you told them it wasn't working out and they had to go. I didn't read all of the responses....I was getting too uptight, thinking of the pit bull and the granddaughter, not liking the cat, petty jealousy of the girllfriend, etc., etc. When you take someone in like that, you really aren't doing them any favors. I know you meant well. No good deed goes unpunished, unfortunately.

Laura,first let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your son.I almost lost my youngest son 4 years ago and I can't even imagine.I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Second,You should take FlamongO's advice.I would change the locks and put their belongings on the front porch! They have been taking advantage of you and you owe them NOTHING!! They should be ashamed of themselves! They will never learn to be responsible adults if people keep feeling sorry for them and "helping them out"! Believe me,I have been in your shoes.It's a hard lesson for both sides! I wish you luck.

I'm so gald there are no hard feelings. I was really holding me breath all this time. Whew. I agree about changing the locks though. It could turn out to be really costly down the line, more expensive than three or four locks might be.

First of all i'm sorry for the loss of your son!!! You have done the best thing for yourself and dh and i'm sure your son is smiling down and giving you an" atta girl,"and thumbs up.

It's hard enough having someone live with you and then when they don't follow the rules~~~~~~~~~well it's just hard.
We did this a couple of times with our gd,and her boyfriend,and first one kid,then a few years later them and 2 kids.
She was fine for the most part,but her bf was a whole different can of worms,thought and still thinks the world owes him everything,and he doesn't have to work.In the 10 years they were together,he probably didn't work 6 mos in all that time.

Finally this year dgd saw the light and dumped his sorry a** to the curb.Thank You JESUS.She and the kids are living with his mom and stepdad,and they have a restraining order against him.She will start school this month for dental assistant.The kids are both in school full time,and dgd said she is truly happier than she has been for the past 10 years.

Everyone tried to get her to see the light all these years,but I guess she had to see what we all saw for herself.

Last time they were here and we put them out,i gave them,mainly him until sunset that day,and while they were packing dh and I went to lowes and got new locks for all the doors,came home and put them on.He was gone by sunset that night,we had told her that she and the kids could stay,but she decided "she loved him too much,and the kids needed him",for what I don't know.

We're so glad that she finally saw the light as are his parents,and family.

I'm so glad you took your house and your life back and I wish you nothing but love,joy and peace as you move forward.
kathi