My favorite uncle died but I have a dilemma, (Long)

15 years ago

I just received a call from my cousin yesterday evening that my favorite uncle, even named my son after him, died Friday night. He had been ill and had complications so even though it came suddenly, it wasn't a total surprise. I live in CA and he lived in Boston. My Mom, 90 YO, is his only surviving sibling and she lives in IL.

I have a brother that is an hour drive away from Mom, so called him yesterday and told him to tell Mom in person. I didn't want to deliver the news over the phone. Especially since she was just in the hospital with a heart condition. I got his answering machine because it is Yom Kippur (he converted when he got married 36 years ago) so can't get a hold of him. I asked him to call me to let me know when he told Mom so I can call her.

I don't know the funeral arrangements but my cousin said it might be Wednesday. I am the only one who is willing to take the time to fly into IL to pick her up and fly with her to Boston. The dilemma is I don't even know if she wants to go. I can't call and ask because I don't know if my brother has told her or not. He might not be going there till tomorrow.

It is going to be a scheduling nightmare to arrange all these flights already and the more time passes, the more of a mess it will be. That brother who lives close can't do it because he has just taken 10 days off for Yom Kippur and his wife is also very ill. My sister, who lives with her in FL during winter, can't do it because she just got back from a 2 week cruise so can't take any more time off.

I get to do it because I am a SAHM who is the primary care giver to a 24 YO Autistic son. All my family thinks I can just stop what I am doing and come running to take care of family matters. It is not like I have a job (ha, ha). And I don't know how I am going to arrange things while I am gone because DH doesn't even come home during the week due to a very long commute. And, it gets better, DH is suppose to be starting a new job next week so he can't take any time off either.

I don't want to deny my Mom if she wants to go to her brother's funeral, but my head is spinning about how to take care of everything. And the fact I can't even call and ask is driving me crazy.

Clare

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Comments (11)

Linda Wayman
15 years ago
Clare, I'm very sorry for your loss. I do want to extend my condolences to you and your family.

I'm trying to put myself in your place. Your mother knows your personal situation. Do you think she would call you if she had been told the news? Knowing he's a favorite uncle of yours. don't you think she would call so you all could reminisce if nothing else? How long has it beeen since she last saw him? Did they communicate a lot?

Here's what I would do if it were me. I would call her and ask if your brother called her about Uncle ..... If she says no, then tell her and then say something comforting to her. Next tell her you had considered trying to make arrangements at home for your son's care although you weren't sure if you could because your dh cannot take off from work due to his new job. Next tell her that that you would also be worried about her traveling so far due to her health problems. Then suggest that you or you and she buy some beautiful flowers to send in his honor.

Clare, with her health problems she may not feel up to traveling, but may feel obligated to go. You need to reassure her that he knows he was loved with or without you at the funeral. Once you find out if she really wants to go or not then go from there.

Linda
heather_on
15 years ago
Linda, you made some very good suggestions there.

Clare you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your uncle is going to know that you loved him even if you can't be there.
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hayjud_mn
15 years ago
Clare,
I'm so sorry about your loss.

I completely agree with Linda, and since she worded it better then I could ever have done, I wont try.

It just isn't always possible to be there in person, but there are so many ways to communicate these days, This may be better for all of you.

Hugs to you.
caflowerluver
Original Author
15 years ago
Thanks everyone for your kind words. If I could just talk to my Mom and find out what she wants to do, I would feel better. Even if she doesn't want to go, I am thinking of going to visit with her until she leaves for FL Nov. 1st so she doesn't have to be alone with this news.
Clare
susanjf_gw
15 years ago
at 90 she's knows so very well how fragile siblings/friends are and that inner sense often triggers when a sibling is ill...fil knew...

we had back to back funerals last year, although we only attended one. we'd driven down to see dh's uncle, but he passed the same day, and we had 2 of dgds (4 and 5) with us and had to get them home...then, turned around for his aunt almost a month to the day!

do call...your mom will be able to answer your questions so much better than anyone else...give her a chance to talk and share memories, if nothing else...

my mom's cousin was so nice to send my mother pictures, obit, and personal information of the day, when her brother passed and she wasn't able to attend...maybe someone can do the same for your mom...
czech_chick
15 years ago

~Carol~
cynic
15 years ago
My condolences too. It's probably too late now to be of help but if there's still the issue, do you know any of his neighbors or co-workers you could call and ask them to contact him to tell him to call you immediately? That's about all I could think of to get through.

Good luck to you on getting everything worked out.
joyfulguy
15 years ago
Greetings, Clare, in your time of sorrow ... and dealing with a dilemma,

I'm sending sincere condolences on this loss of a close loved one, and for others in your family who are grieving now, plus a prayer that God's grace may see you through with as little stress as possible.

Can you call your Mom and talk of various things? Maybe hint around the issue, as she'll almost certainly want to know if you have any news of her brother.

You'll know from what she says how much news she's heard.

Are there any KT people near her? Especially sensitive, perceptive, empathetic ones?

Would it be possible for one of them to tell her, or would that be just an absolute no-no?

God give all of you wisdom, strength, courage and peace of heart sufficient for each day. Especially your Mom, that she may not have increased personal problems, especially health-wise, from these difficult events.

ole joyful
caflowerluver
Original Author
15 years ago
Thank you everyone for your condolences. My brother went over last night and gave her the bad news. She took it pretty well. So I finally got to talk to her today and she has decided not to go. She felt it would be too long of a trip and too stressful.

We talked about me coming to visit later when I can get a better rate. Booking a couple of weeks or a month ahead can really reduce the cost of the air fare.

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words.
Clare
sjerin
15 years ago
I'm glad to hear that your mom took the news alright, and that you'll be able to visit a little later. What a stressful weekend you had, Clare!
koda04
15 years ago
i am so sorry for your loss

My favorite uncle died but I have a dilemma, (Long)

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My favorite uncle died but I have a dilemma, (Long)

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