I have very little social life because of my job. However, reading your note made me realize how much value I place on any social appointments I DO make. If I can't make a firm commitment, I'll say so up front and possibly look for another day that works well for everyone.

You say you don't want to lose these people as friends. My only advise to you is next time any of them want to schedule something, you bring up their past track record and say you're hesitant to schedule something because they don't follow through with their commitment. Their lack of commitment is disrespectful and they need to know how you feel when they cancel on you.

I understand the frustration. I used to have a friend like that and though I adored her, I stopped arranging my schedule around her. I'd call and say, "A couple of us are getting together for drinks.....come and join us." If she didn't, that was fine!

I also tend to be very easy going and last minute changes don't bother me much unless I truly feel taken advantage of. That's not something I'll put up with.

This last weekend my DD#1 was having my DGD's 5th b-day party. She ordered tons of $$ food and 2 of our families cancelled that morning and 1 neighbor family~~she was so angry and hurt. What comes up that you can not make it at the last minute~~each of their excuses were lame, listing things that they knew when they RSVPed that they had to do;(

As for your friends BLAH! I hate that when people do that, once in awhile you may have something come up but not so many times in a row. My mom always told me when people are late all the time and cancel out like your 2 friends did. They are saying their time is more valuable than yours. Me I limit my contact with gals like that. I had a good friend who was always late or wanting to change everything to suit her~~~she did a very rude thing to me one day, and I just gave up the friendship right then and there and have never regreted it.

I had a couple friends that used to do this all the time. I no longer make plans with them. The last time I had plans with the one she called just as I was leaving to pick her up. She was whispering into the phone telling me a couple ladies from her painting class had just stopped by. Well, I got in my car and drove past her house which is close by. Not one single car was there. That done it for me. She was checked off my list. I ran into her a short while ago and she asked me to get together. Lucky for me I was heading out of town. I don't need people like this in my life.. I don't miss her one bit.

I have had your experience with one person. She will cancel out for the slightest reason; therefore, I have gradually quit making any plans with her. A grandchild's ballgame, needing to can tomatoes or accompanying your hubby to buy a water heater do not count as reasons for which I would put someone out at the last minute. I only break a commitment if I am too sick to make it.
Maybe I am too anal about this but it comes pretty close to lying in my book.

When (in a social context) I realize that doing something or dealing with a particular person consistently subtracts from my day, I cut off contact. My time is too precious to waste with people who give off negative energy and feelings.

In a work context, unfortunately, there's often no choice but to suck it up and deal with such people.

I wonder if sometimes people cancel b/c they over schedule themselves and leave no time for stuff that comes up?

For instance - my MIL wanted to have a family birthday party. BUT she couldn't do it Friday morning (knitting meeting), Saturday morning was her club meeting, and...the only time that worked for this party - according to her - was a limited time Friday afternoon, when her offspring would be at work! MIL and FIL are senior citizens (80s), with a bit more flexible time than the offspring, who all have work schedules.

Sometimes maybe you have to consider those around you - if it's a "join us for drinks" thing, as someone above said, then that should be flexible. Or in the case of my inlaws - it'd be easier for my MIL to not attend her club meeting - even to get a sub if she had some role in the meeting - than for her offspring to get time off from work.

Maybe people shouldn't schedule themselves so tightly so that there is no flexibility in their lives? And - maybe people have to consider how others would be impacted if they cancel/reschedule - talk to others involved and find out how big of a deal it would be if they didn't show up.

People like this are not your friends. You are there for them only when they have no one else. Sounds harsh but I was one of those who cancelled out without a good reason and wondered why I never got invited to really special things. I have a honest friend that told me a few things i did not want to hear but glad I did. Now I try to be very careful of what I set up (nothing) and what I accept ( at this time nothing)

The worst situation (which did not involve me) was when two of them were in Paris, separately. They were not traveling together, but coincidentally would be there at the same time. They arranged to meet up for dinner. One got to the restaurant at the appointed time and ordered wine for four people. The other never made it! What made it horrible was that she thought it was hilarious and told stories of getting lost and not being able to understand directions from Parisians and discovering her cell phone won't work in Europe (duh).

I'm sorry, but you get directions in advance and plot out your way. You don't leave two people sitting in a restaurant wondering what has become of you.

That particular person has been more or less dropped from the group as we are just sick and tired of her being so incredibly unreliable. Also, her feelings get hurt very easily, and we are sick of walking on egg shells around her. One time I was sitting next to her at her nephew's wedding and she simply disappeared. Her plate of food was just sitting there untouched. This was at an out of town wedding, so it's not like she went home. No one saw her again all weekend. Something hurt her feelings and she walked out. Still don't know (or care) what happened to this day.

Sometimes we invite her along to dinner or a movie but never count on her actually following through.

Well, glad to hear I am not alone in this. The one person is really my good friend and I even have her as my emergency contact person, after my son. I think she would show up if I was in a pickle!

I have a friend like that too and know how frustrating it is. I finally stopped scheduling one on one get togethers with her, but do include her when a group of us go out. If she makes it that's great, if not, we continue without her. It's her loss. One friend in the group discussed the situation with her, but it fell upon deaf ears. Some people can't/ won't change.

Aside from being just plain rude and inconsiderate, it makes one feel extremely unimportant to have a friend do that to them. I have very few friends, but many acquaintances. My ex considered everyone he knew to be a friend. My "friend" criteria is very different than his.

My daughter is going through this with one friend right now. Perhaps after reading her story, you'll feel a little differently--or at least will look for the reason behind the cancellations.

DD's friend has been cancelling things (dinners, excursions, etc) on the average of about 1 every week or 2 for a while now. She's a very nice girl, and usually is quite reliable. However, her husband is out of work at the moment and in the past 6 months she's: lost a parent, helped a family member move, is having some legal problems, and started a new, more stressful job. When she says she's exhausted, and doesn't feel up to socializing, it's pretty believable at the moment. Hopefully, things will lighten up for her soon.

Is there any chance some of those who are cancelling get-togethers might be having issues in their families that you don't know about? Could be.

Alcohol problems? Drugs? Money problems? Depression? Social anxiety? Or just inconsiderate?

last week and dd2! dh was so mad...we thought we were helping her move something, and she cancelled at the last second! it was ok as we went ahead and did chores...but we feel so often the kids have "used" us? don't mind but darn it we do have our lives!

I have a group of girlfriends who meet once a month for lunch. In 1995 each of us had a junior in high school and we volunteered to help plan the Prom and post prom party. We got along so well that we have continued our monthly lunches for 19 years.

I've decided it's because we're similar - and we're all punctual. Obviously we've had our share of cancellations but it's usually due to illness or a family member needs help. And on rare occasions the cancellation has been last minute but the reason has always been legit and the rest of us still go out.

I'd have a tough time dealing with someone who chronically cancels like that. If I thought the person was being cavalier I think I'd stop meeting her.

Dedtired~~~that is how my friend I dumped was, she always just LOLed about being late. Like she was just oh so busy and it was just so funny! I got sick of it~~~she was the mother of my sons best friend and my son told me the boy was the same way;( He also got sick of it!!

Yes -- the one member of the group who is consistently unreliable always just brushes it off."Oh well, ha ha." Another time we saved a seat for her at the movies, telling several people the seat was taken. She never showed up! I found out why later. Three of us qualify for senior citizen tkts.I bought them on line ahead. In order to buy one more ticket at the regular price I would have to go through the whole rigamarole (cc number, etc) a second time. I said please just buy your ticket when you arrive and we will save your seat.

Well, she was miffed that I had not bought her ticket so she just didn't show up!

She does have a problem with anger and depression. She was divorced long ago, never met anyone else despite trying and is sad that she has no children or grandchildren, as well as being stuck in a dead end (but well-paying) job. I feel bad for her but it wasn;t my fault and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it, so don't take it out on me!

It is quite rude. I wonder what your friend would do if YOU cancelled on HER? I hate to have a day planned to have it erased at the last minute!

I have a good friend who it ALWAYS late for things. It can be 5 minutes or an hour. She is a lovely person, but very scatterbrained. She doesn't plan or realize how much time it takes to drive from point a to b etc. She apologizes, but you'll hear the same excuse next time. She has some serious health problems right now, so I give her slack, but honestly she was like this before she got sick.

With her, my group of friends have realized, we go pick her up or we meet her somewhere where the rest of us can have a drink while we wait. Sometimes we tell her to meet us 30 minutes ahead of when we want to go. Often, we say, if you aren't here by such and such time we go with out you.

I agree they are disrespectful and they are telling you, they do'nt care because if they did, they would make time to do with you whatever it is.

I have one friend and we do discuss and there are times it might be illness and cancel or few things but we make it. We plan them ahead and I mark my calendar and if something does come up that must cancel will email her or leave a message on answering machine and we both understand when those things happens but all the time, that is totally no friend. Or weather as I don't drive the winter roads with snow or ice and she knows that. You are telling us they keep cancelling and you end up with no one then.

STick with friends that when they say something they will do it unless emergency or illness, those things come up here and there

If this happened to me, I would stop initiating any plans with the "cancellers." Let them reach out to me to make plans, and maybe that will work better for them. I'm not saying drop the friendships--not at all, just let them be the ones to set up the lunches or whatever.

I did have a similar experience. Each time I called my friend, she was too busy: "Call me in a few weeks." Nothing seemed to ever work out, then I saw her out for lunch with another friend. I smiled, was friendly, said "hi!" But I get the message, so I've not called her again. Too bad because we have been friends for over 30 years. Maybe something is wrong, I don't know, but I won't force the issue. I do feel a little sad, though. That's life!

I had a friend like that who often said yes to do something and then would back out at the last minute. After a few years of putting up with it I just quit doing things with her. I think it's disrespectful to treat people that way and I don't care to be "friends" with someone who repeatedly does that to me. You however say you do want to continue to associate with these friends so my guess is you will probably have to just put up with it unless you can have a heart to heart and get people to quit making social commitments they can't keep.

dedtired -- It sounds to me as though your *friend* is down in the dumps. You -- and her other *friends* -- might give it a couple more tries by drawing her out -- as *friends* do. Maybe you all talk about your husbands, children, grandchildren so much that she feels worse being with you. What 'common ground' do you all share?

Obviously, I don't know this person. I don't know if you are longtime friends or just acquaintances, but her behavior is not 'normal'. You'll decide how to cope with her -- or not.

When someone does this to me, on a repeated basis, it sends me the message that "Sure, I'll do something with you, unless something better comes along." If canning tomatoes is better than I am, well, then I don't rank all that highly as a friend. Not much value!

I am the camp of don't sweat it, and invite but don't make the plans around them. If they come, great!

I have a friend that used to cancel. It's interesting that she didn't realize this about herself!
I once told her that it was ok because I always had a Plan B when inviting get because of how she canceled.
The person who cancels doesn't realize the effect they have on others.

socks? mother had a friend like that...about the same 30 years of time..she got mad at mom when they were playing cards (omg) and really never saw her much again.. the ironic thing? mother had introduced her to all HER friends when she moved from la to las vegas....and mom was also her oldest friend that was still talking to her, from the la days...

later after she passed, her dd told mother that she had been her ONLY long term friend, and had often wondered how mother had lasted as long as she had...now that's sad...