Another FUNNY thread from the archives

15 years ago

I recalled this from years ago and thought it was funny enough to give it some life again. I also bumped it up on the Home Disater Forum.

I hope you'll chuckle as much as I do when I read it.

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From an unknown poster:

While putting together a large wooden cabinet, he held the next nail between his teeth. He sneezed, and while taking in that big breath right before, he inhaled the nail.

He tried to use a claw hammer to pry off a bathtub faucet that he was changing a washer on (didn't notice that big ol screw on the front lol) broke the solder on the pipes, caused a big water fall.

He has put cabinet doors on backwards, handles upside down, broken windows, etc.

There are more, but I would need more space than this to list them all.

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Posted by TREKaren (My Page) on Thu, Jul 25, 02 at 7:48

Inhaled a nail? HE DID NOT!!!!!

Oh my, how did he ever live that one down?

Posted by Goldens_Mom (My Page) on Thu, Jul 25, 02 at 11:10

My wonderful Engineer husband is great at his profession but I shudder whenever he wants to try to help w/house projects. We decided to buy a pressure washer for our house. He decided to try it out on the deck and clean off the patio furniture. When I got out of the shower, my nice dark brown stained deck had swirls all over the floor boards and railing where he accidentally got too close and stripped the stain right off down to the wood! I had to strip the deck and restain! He also managed to 'clean' the furniture but stripped the protective coating off of it and it mildewed and rusted within a month so it's all gone!

Our backyard is lined by by 25 ft. Redtips on each side and Holly Trees along the back. We have a fence so we need to trim back the lower branches so we can mow. My Holly's were (notice past tense) beautiful and full of berries. The neighbors came over during the winter to get trimmings for their fireplaces and baskets - they were just perfect little Christmas trees. Once again, I get out of the shower and look out the bathroom window and they were HACKED! He took the loppers and lopped all the lower branches off to the trunk from head level to foot. That was 6 years ago and they still aren't back to their shape. I almost cried and he apologized when I showed him how we just use the electric hedge clipper to trim them back. Next project!

The Redtips have grown wider and over into the driveway and we don't want them to scrape the cars. I am up in my office working and look down over the driveway and he ONCE AGAIN lopped the first 8 trees all the way back to the trunk and the trees are now half canapy on only one side. I had to bang on the window, run downstairs and he looked so sheepish! I couldn't yell but I asked him if he had Holly tree memory. I showed him AGAIN how to trim with the hedge trimmers and he was just in awe at how quick and easy it was plus it didn't look like poop! I had to laugh.

Latest oopsie was with my prize possession: my Suburban. I ordered it special back in '97 for my 2 Golden Retrievers and it's really their truck. We had a problem w/a bird who fell in love and kept trying to mate with it's reflection in my side windows and mirrors. We tried bags over the side mirrors, moving owls, etc. but the bird wouldn't give up. He pooed all over my truck so we had to keep washing it. Dearest hubs decided to clean it one day for me and I greatly appreciated it. About a month later I went to leave and noticed scratch marks all under my driver's side mirror and ran inside to tell hubs. The swear words were flying and I called that poor bird all kinds of names. Hubs looked up sheepishly and said it wasn't the bird! He couldn't get all the poo off so he used my kitchen sponge that has the attached brillo pad and scrubbed the poo off. He went running to the neighbors when he realized what he did and talked to them about any buffing compounds to get cover the scratches. He was so apologetic I just had to laugh! An engineer, or ANYONE, who doesn't think a brillo pad will scratch paint? Come on! He said he was just hell bent on getting the bird mess off my truck. A couple of weeks later I was washing my truck and found 4 more areas where he "scrubbed" and he admitted they were all him. You know, the truck is just a thing so stuff happens and it wasn't intentional. It'll be fixed but we've had a lot of good laughs about his project work.

Hope these make you chuckle - they do me!

Posted by mystich (My Page) on Thu, Jul 25, 02 at 14:19

Well, I AM a DH. Here's a story from my teenage days doing maintenance and janitorial work at my church. They had evaporative ("swamp") coolers that needed new copper tubing for the water lines. My boss showed me up in the ceiling where some old copper lines were not being used that I could salvage tubing from. Having used all that up I got clever and decided to follow the lines to the basement and get more tubing from that end. Wound up cutting into the high pressure freon line for the refrigerated AC system. Red semi-gas semi-liquid stuff hit me in the face (they put dye in so you can see leaks - boy did we have a leak! and I had a big red swath on the side of my head). Drained the whole system before they got it patched. Probably cost 10 times more for the emergency repair call and the new freon than a roll of copper tubing would have. They were forgiving (Catholics, after all) and did not fire me.

Thankfully I have learned from many mistakes and from watching my dad screw things up. I am now the family repairman, the go-to guy for advice on fixing, cleaning and building stuff. We DHs must learn from our disasters!

ps re engineers, I have rarely met one who could turn a wrench properly, even though they can mathematically describe such an action to the nth degree. Nature of the beast. Can't blame the leopard for his spots?

Posted by softball_80 (My Page) on Thu, Jul 25, 02 at 15:11

This story was told to me and co workers about 20 years ago. The perpetrator also worked with us, and I still can't believe he was (1) dumb enough to do this and (2) dumb enough to TELL US!!! I work in the telecommunications industry and at that time we got new electronic switching equipment delivered to the telephone office to replace the old electromechanical junk - dating from the '20s. The new stuff was packed in many wooden boxes and he got permission to take the wood home. He told us he used it to build a deck for his above ground swimming pool. Bear in mind that this was raw wood in varying sizes. He said he used 1 x 4's for the deck surface itself, and when they ran out switched to 1x3's half way across and even 1'2's at the end. I wouldn't be surprised if he was straightening out & reusing the nails!!!! We asked him what king of wood sealer he was using and he said he didn't think he needed any. Two years later the deck collapsed, tore down the side of his pool & sent a miniature tidal wave across his backyard and into his neighbor's basement. He told us about this mishap too!!! Can't understand why he always got mad when we laughed at him!!!!

Posted by Yasmine (My Page) on Fri, Jul 26, 02 at 9:37

I shouldnt tell this because I love my DH to death, but sometimes I DO wonder what he's thinking! We had just moved into a beautiful new home (our first) and the master bathroom door opened out to the master bedroom. In doing so, it drug very badly on the carpet. My husband decided to take the door off, use the wood device that shaves off just a bit off wood at a time (not sure what its called), it carefully does this until he's sure it will swing without touching the carpet, gingerly hangs the door, putting everything back the way it was then calls me to do the first "test swing"...well, he had shaved off the wrong end and the top had about a 2" clearance...the bottom still drug!! Poor guy, and poor me...we were newlyweds and up until that moment, I thought he could do ANYTHING! :)

Posted by cindy_lou_who (puddin406@aol.com) on Fri, Jul 26, 02 at 13:39

I can't believe I forgot to add one of the biggest things he screwed up to my post above.

When we first got married, we had a Ford Probe. Ex DH (read as dumb husband) was washing the car & cleaning the interior.

The plastic over the guages must have had a leak in it because there was a slight fog on the inside surface of the plastic.

This genius decided he would simply remove it, wipe it, and put it back on.

He tore off half the dash board getting to it, part of the steering column, and the lever for the cruise conrol.

When he pulled the lever off, a tiny silver ball came out, and we never had cruise control again. He did manage to get it all put back together, except that plastic covering the guages. It no longer had the moisture inside, but he put it in at an angle so that most of the time, it had light reflecting off of it so u couldn't see anyway.

Posted by browntoestoo (My Page) on Fri, Jul 26, 02 at 18:02

Until I'd been married for a while I thought all guys were handy. I didn't marry a handy one, I married an attorney who barely knows one end of a hammer from the other, God love him!

He misread the directions to the pool equipment. Instead of backwashing the filter monthly and breaking it down twice a year for a thorough cleaning, he just backwashed it twice a year. Had to replace all the grids after a few years of this.

He was also a bit thorough with the pruning shears once and cut my flowering vines to the ground. He helped me paint once. I wasn't sure of his ability in this area so I assigned him the stair well to the basement and gave him a can of primer. Those big sags and drips aren't so obvious in the shadows of the stairwell!

Not everyone has handy skills or even cares!

Posted by ohforpetesake (My Page) on Sat, Jul 27, 02 at 10:20

My dh is handier than most, but still gives himself ample opportunity to be laughed at. Two incidents in the past two weeks:

First, he was supposed to hang rather heavy candle sconces on the wall for me. This type of serious business required him to go buy a stud finder so that he could locate a stud. I heard cursing and went in to find him reading the book that came with the thing because it wouldn't work. He thought it must be a dud. I took one look at it and casually asked if it needed batteries. The look on his face was so priceless I couln't contain myself.

Second, we bought a 55 inch digital tv, and dh could hardly wait to hook it up. It all went well until he connected the DVD player and found that he had video, but no audio. Half an hour and more cursing later, I went in to survey. There he is, huffed up with book in hand. I picked up the remote and turned up the volume. Voila, sound! I had a second good laugh at his expense, but I don't believe it was appreciated. Manly men hate to be laughed at! I love him anyway!

Posted by lazylaner (My Page) on Sat, Jul 27, 02 at 19:49

Hey, thanks all, for the great laughs...and for reminding me I'm not alone in having a dh who's not handy. He's a wonderful writer and poet but I try to keep work tools from him. Here's my favorite: We were building our home and had one more ceiling rafter to put in, just before Thanksgiving. He dropped his end of it and it crashed down onto the stove, shearing off the oven knob. We ate out that year.

Posted by airedalian (My Page) on Sun, Jul 28, 02 at 14:34

My husband is very handy, but for some reason he got the bright idea to film while going down Splash Mountain at Disney... We watched the playback once (nice angle) but by that afternoon -- when my kids were pulled out to be in the afternoon parade -- that videocamera was dead as a doornail. He has NEVER lived that down.

Posted by TREKaren (My Page) on Mon, Jul 29, 02 at 7:51

Ok, so we redid DD's bedroom, and I wanted to paint her shelves white.

I had a can of white paint in the garage, that needed to be used up. DH disagreed on painting strategy. He wanted to buy spray paint, and spray them (No Brush Strokes will be seen this way, dear).

Maybe so, but (a) I had paint already that needed to be used before spending more $$ and (b) even the smallest spraypaint projects make a huge mess!

So I paint the shelves using my paint, and a brush. I think they look good. I tell DH they are ready to hang.

While I am out one day, DH decides to spraypaint OVER my paint job, to get rid of the brush strokes and prove a point.

But he never tells me this, because, as I discover the next day, he accidentally spray painted his leather sandals, the table, the garage floor, and a few other various items in the garage.

But hey, at least there are no visible brush strokes!

He still hasn't discussed it with me, although he still will wear the sandals from time to time, and when I give the shoes a crosseyed look, he just says, "Oh hush!"

Posted by kokomo61 (My Page) on Sun, Aug 4, 02 at 23:05

Two quick prize moments (at my own expense....)

1) Back when we were getting ready to put a house on the market, our agent suggested we paint the basement and garage floors to make them look better. I had several cans of gray paint sitting at the top of the driveway, and my wife asked how I was doing. I replied that I hated painting, and (gently) kicked one of the cans. It promptly popped open, and a gallon of gray floor enamel started running down our hilly driveway. We tried to corral it, but even after lots of cat litter to absorb it and some noxious chemicals to thin it down, We still had a gray swath down our asphalt driveway. I ended up having to re-seal the driveway, too.

2) Way back in college, I rented an apartment that had an old 20's style bathtub with no real faucet, but a leaky hose that was duct-taped to keep it from spraying all over the place. I went to the local hardware store, told them my dilemma, and they sold me this "heavy-duty" (clear) plastic hose and a couple clamps. I took it home, hooked it up, and got ready to take a hot shower. After starting the water for 5 minutes, I started to get in the tub and realized there was no water coming out of the top of the sprayer. When I pulled back the curtain, the hose had expanded to about 8 times its original diameter, and I had roughly half a second to dive behind the shower curtain when it exploded, spraying hot water all over the place. Once I got it under control, I went to the local auto parts store, bought 6-feet of high-temperature coolant hose, and never had another leak.

Posted by rhorho (My Page) on Mon, Aug 5, 02 at 17:02

My dad and DH were working together to fix gramma's bent fence post. Dad was pulling telling DH to hit the post with the sledge hammer. The post gave way and hit dad between the eyes. Dad still has a scar.

Posted by Momma_Bird_OH (My Page) on Mon, Aug 12, 02 at 16:55

I am rolling on the floor laughing over these stories. I have to add what my DH did just last week. He bought a gas-powered power washer last year & has used it to wash his friend's deck and to wash our cars.

Our house has aluminum siding, which the previous owners gave a very thin, sprayed-on coat of paint when they put it on the market. We have a tree that's growing too close to the front of the house, so the siding was mildewed on about 1/2 the front. Last week DH decided to power wash the mildew off. You guessed it, he also power washed off the paint on 1/2 the front of the house. Actually, from the street it's not THAT bad, but up close it looks pretty awful. Painting the house is not in the budget for this summer, so we'll have to live with it until next summer. He is very annoyed with the whole situation!

Another one, last Fall we replaced our front door because the original door had sunlight coming in around 3 sides, litterally. We bought a very expensive pre-hung metal door w/leaded glass window. DH and FIL ripped out the old door and put in the new one, things were going fine. FIL wasn't happy with the way the interior of the trim looked, so he decided to add a thin strip of wood around the sides & top on the interior. Instead of cutting out 3 notches for the hinges, he decided to just slide it behind the hinges since it was only about 3/8 of an inch thick. The top hinge was a tight fit, so he hammered it in. Guess what - he knocked the door off alignment when he hammered that trim behind the hinge, and now our new $400 insulated door with leaded glass has sunlight coming in around 2 sides.

Posted by pkock (My Page) on Wed, Aug 14, 02 at 0:51

My DH is very handy. Seriously, I think the man could do anything, anything at all. And that's why the silly things he does occasionally annoy me so much. :)

He decided to stain our deck. Instead of doing it the old fashioned way, with a paintbrush, he went out and bought a sprayer for this purpose. An hour or so later he comes in and says he ran out of stain, had to go buy more. After finishing the job he comes in with this sheepish look and says he's done, but.... I go out and look. Our deck looks like it's been sprayed by a graffiti artist, drips and drabs everywhere, not anywhere near coated, and plenty of stain on the siding and cement underneath. Of course it wasn't a *paint* sprayer, those cost too much. He bought what is known as an "all purpose sprayer".

Shortly after we bought our first house, he decided to hang a large picture in our bedroom. Had to find a stud. Now, we had two stud finders, but he couldn't find either of them. Rather than buy a new one or borrow one, he decided to drill holes in the wall at 1" intervals till he found it. Of course after the picture was hung, nobody could see the holes, so he left 'em there. 5 years later, when we moved, we removed the picture, and oh yeah, there's a neat row of 10 holes..."can you believe I did that?"

Nobody could ever accuse my DH of not doing a job thoroughly (with the two above exceptions). He usually ends up spending 2x as much on a DIY project than is needed to get it done, for the sake of doing it right.

BUT, he never puts anything away! For months after a project I am tripping over assorted tools, getting fed up and putting them in bags or boxes and hauling them to the garage workshop, looking through the boxes/bags to find a screwdriver when I need one. Next time he has a project, if the tool's not immediately accessible he assumes he doesn't have one and buys another.

Posted by pkock (My Page) on Wed, Aug 14, 02 at 1:07

Can I post my own disaster, even if I'm not a DH?

Okay. I am a very UN-handy person. I can barely hang a picture - though I do know how to use a stud finder. ;) I am, for some illogical reason, afraid of power tools.

When we moved into our first house, which was about 70 years old, I noticed that the locks on the 2nd floor windows didn't work. They were the original, wooden, double-hung weighted windows. He worked 6 days a week, long hours, and I wanted to give him one less thing to worry about, you know? So I went out and bought new window lock sets. I removed the old ones. After trying to put new screws in old, stripped holes I realized that wasn't going to work, I needed to screw them in somewhere else. Hm...shouldn't I drill pilot holes before screwing them in? Sure, but I'm scared of power tools, and a drill is a power tool. So I figured that maybe if I pushed Real Hard as I screwed in the screws I wouldn't need to drill.

Guess what happened? No, the wood remained intact. But I was fortunate that the old glass in the window was pretty thick, and when the screwdriver slipped, all it did was crack instead of shattering. I repaired it with duct tape, kept the shade drawn for months so DH wouldn't notice (and eventually thought the window was already cracked when we bought the house) and let DH handle the window lock repairs from then on.

Yes, now that the house has been sold, I've come clean with him. Maybe one of these days I'll be brave enough to use a drill. Maybe not. :)

Oh, I also managed to rip off a good section of drywall at the top of the stairway at our current house for the same reason, trying to install a child safety gate with none of those pesky power tools. Oops.

Posted by Marc_Wolfe (My Page) on Wed, Aug 14, 02 at 9:30

pkock -

"Yankee" push-drill by Stanley will suffice for pilot holes.

Multiple tools boxes and a carpenter's apron (a.k.a. "tool belt") for DH. One tool box each for plumbing, electrical, and carpentry work - common tools like the hammer, measuring tape, combination screw driver, etc. go on the apron.

Hang the power tools from pegboard.

Works for me.

My screwups aren't that many or severe (measure three times before cutting) but the one thing I consistently do is get paint splatters on my glasses.

Posted by saucydog (My Page) on Fri, Aug 16, 02 at 11:22

Just have to chime in....

My DH is very handy....handy with home improvement. I got the idea that if he's so good with working with wood, maybe he'd be good at stripping and refinishing a dressing table of my grandmother's to make it more suitable for my home decor. I sent him to the garage to do his thing. I inquired about the project from time to time, he'd reply that things were going fine except that there was a deeply penetrating stain under the top 10 layers of paint. I asked him what we should do and he said he thought he needed a dremel tool. Okay, okay....he wants a new toy, we bought it.

The next time I heard from my husband he had gotten carried away with all those little attachments....seems the turned legs were no longer distinguishable. The next trip to home depot was spent purchasing stair ballasters to replace the legs he ruined! The whole mess is still brought up whenever he's doing an "intricate" project. The table lovingly sits in my bedroom, though I'm sure my grandmother would not recognize it!!!

"Should we break out the Dremel tool??"

Saucy

Posted by MonaBlair (My Page) on Sat, Aug 17, 02 at 22:32

Well, my DH was going to save us money by cleaning out the gutters over our pool screen. Against my advice, he got up on the roof with the shop vac and a broom. In less than 20 minutes, he had managed to stick his foot through one of the solar heating panels and as he tried to keep his balance, he poked the broom through the screen enclosure. We now hire someone to do it twice a year at $60 a shot.

Another time, he bought a riding lawn mower and was not very adept at driving it. On one occasion the back yard neighbor had to rescue him because he tried to mow under the low branches of a tree and nearly decapitated himself when he got stuck.

Same mower; different day. While mowing the front yard he needed to turn as he approached the driveway with a car parked there. He didn't make the turn and the mower started to climb the car. I was screaming for the kids to get in the house because I didn't want them to see their father sliced up in pieces or to be in the way of flying metal. Before the darned thing flipped over on him he thought to take his foot off the gas pedal and it stopped going. That thing was sold the next day and we now have a lawn service.

Posted by kim_okla (My Page) on Sat, Aug 17, 02 at 23:39

I do remember that thread.

Heck I don't need a husband to mess things up. I poured liquidified chocolate pudding down the drain. Hhhhmmm won't go down. I had seen a man use a wire coat hanger to unstop a drain. Did that and whosh, everything goes down. And here is comes running out of the cabinet and onto the floor. Poked a hole right through that old, thin metal pipe.

Posted by Brian_Hall (My Page) on Tue, Aug 20, 02 at 0:30

Well, I just put most of my body through the rafters and into the second floor entry of the house we just bought.

Brian

Posted by mystich (My Page) on Wed, Aug 21, 02 at 14:03

Ding! We have a winnah!

Posted by Brian_Hall (My Page) on Wed, Aug 21, 02 at 16:49

Thanks mystich, as if what I did wasn't already enough of a hit to my pride :o). At least we'll laugh about this in the future. I suppose the installation of a subfloor in the attic project (it was next on the list) now gets bumped up a notch. Drywaller coming on Monday to repair (he had even more gruesome stories to tell :o) ).

When I was a teenager and went on a winter retreat to a small, private ski area I managed to get the "Clown of the Hill" award for my skiing ability -- I could go, but couldn't stop (it was my first experience skiing).

Brian

Posted by jeremy101 (My Page) on Thu, Aug 22, 02 at 12:27

They say confession is good for the soul...I'm a DW...

I've been enjoying this page, learning a lot. Maybe my mistake can warn others.

I've always been mechanically inclined but I don't have as much fit-it experience as I'd like. However, I've been getting into being a DIY'r for a few years, and sometimes a little knowledge can be dangerous.

I was able to fix a drip on the single lever faucet in our old house buying a $.25 washer. However, in our new house the dripping "delta monitor" shower lever requires the purchase of a "cartridge", instead of a washer, which is basically a $40 replacement of the "guts" of the faucet. At any rate, in trying to unscrew the cap holding the cartridge, the whole unit started to twist. I figured, ok I can take the whole thingie out and put it in a vise for easy removal of the cap. In reality I twisted and ruptured three little tubes connecting the handle and now I need to spend $90 for a whole new one.

Next!

Posted by bleeding_heart (My Page) on Sat, Aug 31, 02 at 21:54

Oh, I am so glad I found this site! And I thought Iwas the only one with an un-handy husband. This made me laugh. I have a couple good stories:

When we were first married, we lived in an apartment, my mother thought she'd help get us started with some tools by giving DH a battery operated screwdriver for his birthday. One day he decided to try it out in order to mount something to the wall. I was busy doing something else and a few minutes later I hear, the swearing, the "this thing doesn't work, etc..." I go over to see what's wrong. He had the screw only, wobbling around in the space of the tool where the phillips/straight end bit was supposed to be, scratch marks all over the wall that the screw made. That was just the beginning of my saga of the mechanically challenged husband! In an effort to clean the stained door frame in our bathroom, he sprayed some chemical on it that made it run all down to the brand new, not even a week old floor we just paid $300 for and stained that permanently!

In cutting a piece of carpet for another room, he did it backwards so when he flipped it right side up, the cut out places were opposite what they should have been. He threw away a drill that belonged to our friend because it was in a paper bag and he thought it was trash. We went to home depot and spent 80 dollars on a brand new drill to replace it. I could go on and on. 13 years later, he's getting a little better, tired of wasting money on mistakes, I guess.

Posted by cindy_lou_who (puddin406@aol.com) on Sun, Sep 1, 02 at 13:55

I remembered another one. Years ago, I lived with a boyfriend, and we had a cat.

We came home one evening, and could hear the cat, but couldn't find him. We eventually located him IN the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

After abou 10 minutes of panic, and trying to figure out HOW he got in the wall, boyfriend decides to get a big hammer, and break holes in to get him out.

After about the third hole, I remembered the access panel for the bathtub pipes was open upstairs. I grabbed a can of cat food and the can opener, and went to the closet where the panel was. It only took clicking the can opener 3 times to see his dusty face appear.

Posted by brookeone1 (My Page) on Fri, Sep 6, 02 at 21:31

My dear father was (and is) notorious for his "repairs." While walking on his second story deck one visit, I noticed a spongy spot. It looked fine from the outside, but when I felt it with my hand, I found I could practically poke my finger through the wood. I mentioned it to my father, who was completely unconcerned. It turned out that at least half the deck flooring was almost completely rotten, but instead of replacing the deck, he had "cleverly" gotten a can of wood putty, smeared it over the rotten spots, and touched it up with paint. It's a miracle nobody ever fell through the deck before my mother finally forced him to get the deck rebuilt.

He was also a terror with epoxy glue until we forced him to swear off. Anything and everything that broke was "fixed" with epoxy. I have a once-beautiful ivory sculpture of a Chinese maiden who once suffered a decapitation in a fall. She probably could have been professionally restored, but unfortunately my father got to her first. Now she's worthless--she's got her head back, but her neck is ringed with an ugly brown necklace of glue. There's much more I could say, alas...

Posted by ohforpetesake (My Page) on Mon, Sep 9, 02 at 11:28

I remembered another one too.... while in the painting stages, we had an especially difficult time with the two story entry way. We had to rent a contraption that went from the second story landing to a tall ladder, creating a bridge to access the high walls. I was under the strictest of orders that this was DH's domain only, and much care had to be exercised. If I wanted to be of help, don't distract him. Well sure enough a while later I hear BOOM SLAM CRASH S@#$ OW!! Mother.....of Pearl! DH was so into the groove that he forgot where he was and lent new meaning to the phrase, "took a long walk off a short pier". He wound up a scraped and bruised crumpled mess on the entry way floor. Thank goodness the stairs broke his fall and HE doesn't break easily!

Posted by duckiedo (My Page) on Thu, Oct 17, 02 at 14:04

sigh...yesterday he made a hole in the side of our less than a year old house with the bucket of the front-end loader....

....also yesterday....he was moving dirt with said loader in the back of the house....so he moved the drain hose to the washing machine aside(in a nice crumpled heap).

fast forward to today....i'm doing laundry....

...guess who's brand new house had a tub full of water flow thru it.....

Posted by Jason_MI (My Page) on Fri, Oct 18, 02 at 20:33

Ah...who knew I'd stumble on this thread? Let me tell you a story, if you will. Sit back, have a drink, and listen.

Several years ago, as a starting out contractor, we did everything...and I mean everything. You could call me to paint your house, build it, replace the roof, fix the basement, heck...at that time, I'd probably even have cleaned it for you.

In any event, we got a call one day from a man who wanted to change his basement window. His idea (and it is a good one, and done a lot), was to dig down, take out his basment window, make the opening larger, and then install a new, larger window so that he had a lot more light, perhaps egress for a basement bedroom, and so on. In any event, he wanted us to come out and dig the hole next to the foundation and cut out the window opening. No problem. We'd worked with small machines, small jobs, and this type of operation before. The machine rental was $300 (this was for a small, 6000 lb. Kubota excavator); I had the trailer and truck to pull it. I figured rental of this machine, plus an operator, plus several hours to dig, then cut the opening. All told, about $1000 for the job for two guys. When I gave him the estimate, he said no way...way too expensive...he'll do it himself. Fine.

The following weekend, late on Saturday, I get a cal from the guy's wife...they're desperate, and don't know what to do. Here's what happened (and this is from the very, very POed wife). The husband, thinking we're ripping him off, went and rented the same excavator. Not having the truck and trailer, he had it delivered, and paid extra ($100) for having it dropped off late Friday and picked up early on Monday...so he's into it by $400. He farts around for a while, digging up the lawn with tracks on the mini-excavator (he tells his wife this is normal), then starts to work. Digging away from the foundation, he has no trouble; the machine easily digs down, picks up the dirt, and the controls are easy to use and the hydraulics work fine. As he's digging this hole for the "new" window, his wife asks if it's too deep, too big, too much dirt. No, he tells her, we need all this room to work. So he keeps diggin. He gets up to the foundation, digs down, and again, does a decent job. He now has a hole about 7 feet deep, and about 14 feet around one area of the basement. The problem is, he tells his wife, the bottom isn't flat enough to build the window well on the outside...so he inches closer.

Everyone knows the outcome...he keeps inching closer, digging a little more, until he pulls on a root, pulls back on the controls, and pulls the mini-excavator into the hole, upside down. When it lands, the knuckle of the excavator boom goes through the basement wall, taking out...you guessed it, 14' of basement wall. They now have an excavator half-way into their basement, but more than enough room to put in a window, and a sliding door, and another.....

In any event, when we get the call on Saturday, at 7 pm, from a guy who said we were ripping him off...well, you can understand. So...in any event, we call a towtruck...no way...too much angle and weight. How about a crane? No problem...but we have to call a much larger crane to get it out of the hole because of it's weight. You see where this is going. By the time it was done, it broke down like this; crane was $700. Damage to excavator (he didn't pay the extra $12 for insurance...that was, after all, just another rip off), $3200. Basement wall repairs, $4800. Permits and inspections: $140. Fines for not having a permit in the first place, $550. In short, this guy spent about 20 times as much trying to save a buck as he would have if he'd just hired someone else in the first place. Oh well...guess he'll stay on my Christmas card list!

Posted by Alex399 (My Page) on Sun, Oct 20, 02 at 23:09

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA!!!!!

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Posted by KarensKitchen (My Page) on Wed, Oct 23, 02 at 22:33

This is TOO funny! My DH's nickname is "The Master of Disaster". The last time he brought his truck to the mechanic to fix a problem, the first thing the mech said was, "You didn't touch anything, did you?" There have been MANY "adventures" during our 13 years of wedded bliss (?), most of which we can laugh about now. But here is one of my all-time favorites ... while still dating, we were driving to a fraternity reunion party (what else) about an hour away. It was a snowy night on the highway ...the kind when you have to constantly clean your windshield because of the salt and sand spraying off the road surface. Well, halfway into the trip, we ran out of washer fluid, far from any exit where we could buy more. After a few cold stops to clean off the windshield using snow from the side of the road, my DH got a "brilliant" idea! We had a bunch of beer in the back of the truck, and "alcohol doesn't freeze", RIGHT? So, he pours a can of beer into the washer fluid container and off we go down the highway. He flips the switch for the washer fluid, and you guessed it, we spray the windshield with beer which instantly turns to FOAM and freezes all over the place, completely blocking our view!

And how about the time he tried to "help" me with the housework by "cleaning" the wood floors with Pledge? I got home from work, took one step and wham, fell right on my you-know-what! Well, he was smart enough to marry ME, so he can't be all dumb, right! :)

Posted by brodysmom1 (My Page) on Fri, Nov 1, 02 at 23:48

This thread is killing me! Here is my My-Hubby-Has-Had-Brighter-Moments story. Kind of has to do with the house. When we lived in AK we were renting a townhouse and had locked ourselves out of the house enough to really start annoying the landlord. So the next time it happened DH decided he could get in himself with minimal damage to the place. We went around to the back with a wire coathanger and found one window that was open about 2 inches. This is the kind of window that cranks open with a handle. So he makes a little hole in the screen, sticks the coat hanger in and starts trying to make the handle turn so that he can climb through the window. Meanwhile our very large cat "Topaz" jumps up onto the back of the sofa and is watching the proceedings intently. DH FINALLY gets the wire on the handle and starts to turn it. Now, I'm just sitting on the patio watching this whole production with a sceptical look on my face. He turns to me, proudly states that he's "got it", turns back and literally screams "TOPAZ!!!" Just as he started to get that thing going, the cat casually reached out and batted the handle right off the window. I laughed so hard I almost wet myself, which did not endear me to the DH. Had to call the landlord once again AND replace the screen on the window.

Posted by Jofrom_PKs (My Page) on Mon, Nov 11, 02 at 16:48

My honey is very handy, we just finished putting addition on our house. He did a huge pert of the work himself. One day I come home from work and see him on the ladder. I say hi honey and he nearly fell off the ladder, and he has this guilty (got his hand caught in the cookie jar) look on his face. I asked him what he was working on. Well we just replaced all the windows on our house a couple weeks before. He asked me if I see anything strange. I look around and see he put in the replacement window - INSIDE OUT! You can only open it from the outside!

I have this thing to do things that are unique. I decided to paint our grandsons room. I decide to have the top 1/2 of the room painted with that crackle paint. Which I did. Put the last of the paint up. Leave for awhile and come back to check out the crackling...

Now I DID read the directions on the can! NOWHERE on the can did it say you can't use semi-gloss paint! And NOWHERE on the can did it say that if you do, the top layer of paint will crackle and then slide down the wall, and harden in an oozzing discusting MESS!

Neeext!

Posted by TREKaren (My Page) on Tue, Nov 19, 02 at 8:07

Ok, well not too funny, but DH has now outdone himself. He decided two Sunday's ago to hang a blind very high up, while DD and I were out running errands.

He lost his balance, fell 14' to the floor, and is now in the hospital looking 10 times worse than Tim the Toolman ever did. He has one crushed heel, one fractured heel, and one fractured vertebra.

He's on the mend, but it will be a while before he can walk, what with both feet in a cast and all. And he's no longer allowed to do home improvement projects that involve anything higher than a stepstool!!!!

Posted by Dee1 (My Page) on Thu, Nov 21, 02 at 18:08

What humor in this thread. Now I know what DH means. I always thought it was Dear Husband, now I know it means Disaster Hound!

Posted by Blueridgeroses (My Page) on Fri, Nov 22, 02 at 9:25

Not a disaster unless you're a football fan, but I caught my DH watching the Super Bowl in Spanish one time. I asked him why and he said the network "idiots" were for some reason broadcasting it that way. I then showed him how to turn off the SAP function on the TV. He watched the rest of the game in English. He's normally pretty smart about these things which is why I found this so humorous.

Posted by Barbara_2245 (My Page) on Tue, Dec 10, 02 at 21:05

This gal reguards herself as fairly handy and can follow directions from the guy at the building supply store. I needed to change the outdoor faucet so off to the store.

The young fellow told me it was easy just turn the water off and twist it off. Well I struggled and twisted the faucet and the pipe off right after the shut-off handle. Luckily I twisted it so much the water barely ran out before I discovered my goof. It cost me $70 for a plumber to come to fix it just before I had to pay him time and a half.

Posted by garnet150 (My Page) on Thu, Dec 12, 02 at 0:20

I'll never forget my sis calling me to tell me of her adventure in trying to install a dog door panel in the aluminum sliding door. She has a new variable speed reversible drill and new bits. She's drilling, and drilling. Not even a dent. Drill some more, press a little harder. Sweat running down her face. I ask if you should be pressing that hard on the drill? Still, no dent. She gives up, calls the ex-husband. His first question, is the drill in reverse? I laughed for 15 minutes, and at long distance charges!

Posted by Dobermann (My Page) on Mon, Dec 16, 02 at 20:37

I'm a DH (not the disaster kind).

I'm a carpenter and my lovely wife helped me on a remodeling project for one of her friends.(I did it for free because we were going to trade labor for her friends hunting dog training buisness). She had never used a power tool for anything, ever. Any way, mid-project, I'm in a compromising position and cant move from where I'm at or the 400 dollar horn chandalier will be crushed by a cast iron fitting, and I need a 2X4 cut to an exact length down to the sixteenth of an inch. I ask the DW to take my tape and speed square from my pouch and use the circular saw to cut this board I asked for. It took her about 5 minutes to return... And its a winner!!! She cut this 2X4 to the exact length(having never used a power tool, or read a tape measure in her life before) it needed to be!! I was the proudest carpenter husband in the world at that moment and the wife was absolutely glowing with pride.

Fast forward about one year...

I've been out of town for two weeks on a large project 500 miles from home. I was informed a week before I left on this job than I need to build a oat feeder for the horses, and natually I forgot about it. The first thing the DW say when I get back is "can you help me carry the oat feeder I made into the horses pen?". You made it! Who helped you? Where did you get the lumber? Yes she made it, from lumber I had lying around and nobody helped her!! Its dark and the horses are hungry so darn right I'll help you move the feeder. "Nice and heavy" I think as I pick it up, for those of you who know horses, "Hey, this thing seems pretty solid" I say to myself.

Got the horses fed and happy. I'm absolutely exstatic walking back to the house with my wife, "the carpenter". We get inside and I'm asking her a billion questions on how she did it and she told me in her best of terms how she did it.

Went to feed the horses the next morning and I come to find out that they systematically destroyed, piece by piece, this gem that my wife made herself. On carefull inspection of the carcass that was the feeder, She used 2 inch nails to nail through inch and a half lumber leaving miminal penetration holding power of the nail.

She never got upsed about it to me, but I know she was pi$$ed off.

While I dont consider this a disaster, my wife mentions it ocasionally with poison and I thought you all might like.

JA in SD

Posted by tanner2135 (My Page) on Tue, Dec 17, 02 at 6:48

OMG, this is hysterical! My favorites are the excavator in the ditch, the semi-gloss paint that's slid into a disgusting mess on the floor and the riding lawn mower stories. I nearly laughed until I cried.

I have a couple funny ones to add. (I am usually the more handy of my partners but I will stand back and let them try and expect to finish the job when they give up.)

- ex-boyfriend wanted to show me that he could put things together too and tried to put together one of those metal shelves that comes in a hundred pieces and held together with screws. Okayyy, I skeptically say, have at it. Nearly 5 hours later, with a triumphant whoop, he announces he's done. All ready to be proud of him, I help him stand the shelf up and nearly peed myself laughing when the whole thing wobbled like it's made of jello. I mean seriously, I wouldn't trust that thing to hold up a piece of paper!

- This isn't so much a DIY but goes to the shake-your-head-in-amazement at the sheer idiocy. Said ex-bf locked himself out. In the middle of a Philly winter. Without a jacket. Without his car keys so he couldn't even go to work and hang out there until I get home. Doofus had the bright idea to climb the tree in the backyard to the roof and get in through the roof deck. Never mind that the roof is THREE STORIES high, the tree is at least 10 feet away from the house...unless you're SpiderMan, no one can make that jump. And it's heavily locked from the inside. Penny loafers don't make for great tree climbing gear either.

Anyway, he starts to climb up but figures out that he's not going to make it so he starts back down the tree, slips and because he's hugging the tree, tears up his arm on the bark of the tree...and the poison oak that's running up it. Arm swells to 3 times it's normal size, crusty pus-y scabs and oozing some nasty fluids. *SO* gross.

- Current SO not allowed to prune anything anymore. Huge mum bushes out in front are growing a little out of control. SO decides to prune...and prune and prune and prune until the poor bush is practically a bare twig sticking straight out of the ground. We ended up pulling the rest of the bush out and now have a big gaping hole where the bush used to be. SO did the same thing to the peach and lemon tree in the backyard. Instead of cutting back, she lopped off entire branches. The tree ended up lookng like some mutant from out of space. Tree loppers taken away and SO is told never to prune another live thing again.

- Same SO paints the ceiling but because it's lath and plaster, there are lots of crevices that're hard to paint. SO misses some spots in the bedroom ceiling. I make comment, SO promises to do touch ups in the next painting session.

Laying in bed after painting session, I notice splotches here and there. SO didn't pay attention to paint cans and touched up with semi-gloss...over the matte finish I carefully chose for all the ceilings. *sigh*.

Funny now, but boy, did I shake my head when these things happened!

Andrea

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