Not even sure how to title this...long...

15 years ago

This is not going to be a pretty post, and I apologize for that, but I just really feel a need to post thi...

Last Sunday I found out my youngest brother was in Jail, he had been since last Friday. charges...Domestic Violence and Terroristic threats. He beat the sh** out of my sister-in-law and threatened to kill her. As all the story is unwinding people are "taking sides" even though they are "saying" they're not. She is estranged from her family, has few friends (of course, he wouldn't let her have her own friends). It is awful. The stories she tells, and I don't understand how someone can do what my brother did to someone he "says" he loves.

He used her as a punching bag. Why, she left the soup out to cool, and forgot it overnight, so it had to be thrown out. That justified his holding a gun to her head, a knife to her throat. Apparrently hitting her over the head with a sword (flat side thank goodness) punching her, kneeing her in the crotch (she didn't remember how she got that bruise, it was her 10 yr old daughter who said..Mom, that's where Dad kneed you in the crotch, don't you remember). Tried to run her over with their truck. The black and blue marcks are so black, the only time I've seen them so black is when a person's been in a car accident. I literally thank God for the neighbor that's been watching for her safety, and the police who left a plain clothed cop and stayed close so that when he came back a short time later, they caught my brother and put him in jail before he could do more damage.

So now to my family (though I may have been disowned by my dad). My dad said that "there are two sides to every story" I said yes, but nothing justifies that kind of treatment. He couldn't intimidate me to get me to change my mind (and I was oh so calm, he hates that), that he rudly said good bye and hung up on me! I know my dad I really don't think he'll talk to me again, and I don't think I'm even remotely hurt by that. He's already told my sister-in-law to drop the charges. She can't, even IF she wanted to, it's the city pressing charges, not her!!!!

One brother is saying "Right now it seems everyone is running on emotions and not necessarily on facts or truths, and, proper judgment can only be based on facts and truths" Okay, bruises and Eye witness;s are not facts and truths?

Other brother said "...as soon as we go on a witch hunt

were no better then him. The process of due process is there for a reason. It not only tries the guilty it is also there to protect the innocent." Excuse me, she is the innocent here, not the jailbird.

We also found out the jailbird had cheated AT LEAST once on my SIL, and thank goodness when she told me that I said to get treated for STD's because he gave her SYPHLISS (sorru if I spelled that wrong).

He would make the kids watch the beatings. The kids themselves would be punished severly if they didn't behave "right".

He's charged with 2nd degree assult, and could face 7 years in prison is what we're hearing. Court date is 11/17. He is choosing to stay in jail rather than be bailed out, which is great because seriously our fear is that if he gets out, he will kill my SIL. The police have literally told her to keep a loaded gun by her bed (away from the kids), and protect herself however she has to.

There is much more that I didn't write, but thank you for listening. I've had to be strong for her, I have "chosen sides" and my side is for my nieces and nephew and my innocent SIL. I don't know, I may disown that brother, do I ever want to see him again, would I be sad if something happened to him...maybe for a little bit, for that little kid I remember, but not for the monster he's become.

Vickey-MN

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Comments (38)

houstonmom_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey

I am so sorry your SIL and nieces and nephew have had to endure such atrocities. Your brother is exactly where he needs to be, as you know. Your SIL needs you right now, and it sounds like you are there and have been there for her.

My sister was in a similar situation 25 years ago, and ended up getting a restraining order, etc...thankfully it never escalated to the extent you are telling us about. My ex-BIL did plenty of punching, name calling, belittling, violence towards her and their house. Of course, like in your case the kids witness it all. So pathetic.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time of great difficulty. Thank you for standing your ground against your dad and brothers. Bet your brother doesn't have any bruises...but those who continue supporting him are just fooling themselves...not facing reality.

Melody
alisande
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this, Vickey. It's an awful situation. It's probably been going on for some time. Was your dad abusive, perhaps just verbally? These things are often "learned" from parental behavior.

(((Vickey)))
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OklaMoni
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh, wow, Vickey this is tough.

and tougher yet is to disown ones brother. I have one of those. The oldest of five kids (I am number two).

Your sister in law and the kids are lucky to have you stand by her.

Bless you.

Moni
grammahony
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with both the above. BTDT myself. Stand by your SIL. She very vulnerable (sp) now. Sounds like Dad may have been abusive himself.
Also, hopefully she'll get the kids some help. They've been touched by this, and need to break the chain.
Leslie
FlamingO in AR
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, it takes a very strong person to stand up against family to do what is right, and I commend you. I don't have any advice except to keep your head high and continue what you're doing. I'm sure in your SIL's eyes, YOU are her guardian angel.

I so admire you. Phooey on those who are standing by a mean, hateful bully.

(((((Vickey, SIL, and kiddos)))))
wildchild
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey I am so sorry for your DSIL and those poor kids. Bless you for having the courage and strength to go against your family and stand up on the side of right. It doesn't matter what the reason was behind the acts your brother committed.Drugs, alcohol, brain chemistry,past abuse etc. Even if he is found to be mentally ill he must be held criminally accountable for his acts and be kept away from all those who he might be a danger to.

It sounds like there is quite a family dynamic of abuse whether other family members have physically abused others or not. The abusers,the enablers, the fixers and YOU.

Stand firm and be proud of yourself Vicki. You are the best thing that ever happened to your DSIL and your nieces and nephews. Right is right.
petaloid
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You are doing the right thing backing up your sister-in-law and the children.

In time your father and brothers will probably figure that out.

At any rate, my thoughts are with you.
janie_ga
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
PLEASE be honest with the kids and help them develop a safety plan. Talk with their schools... administration and teachers. Make sure the kids have a copy of the police report and any protective orders with them incase he gets out and tries to take them- they will have something to show the police he isn't supposed to be near them or your SIL. Also, know that the schools/childcare will try to protect the children but if it become down to protecting them or the other kids/adults in the school- they may release the kids to him even if they have a protective order. I would recommend changing the children's school and childcare locations and making sure the administration know why and not to release where they went/are.

I used to work at a domestic violence shelter in Clayton County, GA. Betsy Ramsey was the director then. She has now written several books on the subject of DV and stalking. I recommend you check out her website and possible contact her for ideas on safety planning. Your local police might be interested in her also. I was always impressed with her concern for our clients and think she would be a great resource for you.
http://betsyramsey.com/

It is sad, but there might be some initial concern about your offers to help- many family members will side with the abuser simply because they are family (as you have experienced) and you might be thought of as trying to "help him by figuring out how others might help her" (does that make sense?). You have been around the KT long enough that I feel confident that you are true to your word and are trying to do the right thing!

Best of luck and keep us posted,
Janie
monica_pa Grieves
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

Stand your ground...and, although it may sound harsh, it would be good to distance yourself from your father and brothers...for your own safety.

From your words, they accept jailbird's behavior...as others have said, maybe there were incidents with your mother that were seeds that allow them to accept the accelerated abuse?

Again....stand with your SIL, don't accept his behavior...and don't be alone with your father or brothers.
lindyluwho
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bravo, Vickey. I applaud you for sticking up for what is right. I can't understand how anyone could think what your brother did was alright or that there is more than one side to this story. Her bruises ARE the story.

Linda
tami_ohio
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vicky, you are all in my prayers.

Tami
jannie
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't think there are "two" sides to this story. Leaving the soup out was an accident, your SIL certainly doesn't deserve to be beat up over it. And their children certainly don't need to see their dad hurt their mom. Offer her any assistance you can, money, a safe place to stay, most of all your emotional support. She and the kids need to get away from this @#$%^&*.He belongs in jail. Remember, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
mrsmarv
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You certainly are taking the high road. I commend you for willing to help your SIS.

"He couldn't intimidate me to get me to change my mind (and I was oh so calm, he hates that), that he rudly said good bye and hung up on me! I know my dad I really don't think he'll talk to me again, and I don't think I'm even remotely hurt by that. He's already told my sister-in-law to drop the charges."

I don't know your family but it sounds as if your brother learned that his behavior was "acceptable" from your father. No one deserves to be verbally or physically abused and you are a strong woman for standing up to the injustice. I only pray your SIS doesn't weaken and go back with him. Could you take this opportunity to ensure she's put in touch with someone who can counsel her and have her relocated to a safe place?
moonie_57 (8 NC)
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Just want to say how very sorry I am. Situations involving family are the toughest. I commend you for standing on the side of "right" which, in the long run, is often the hardest route to take.
nodakgal
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Never doubt you're doing the right thing. (I know you don't)
judy_jay
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Adding my thoughts & prayers for you & your family. How sad that you have to go through all this. You are doing the right thing & don't let anyone convince you otherwise. God is on your side I know. (((Vickey & Family)))
caroline94535
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm saying prayers for you and your SIL, and the entire family.

You wrapped up the entire situation with ...nothing justifies that kind of treatment.

I hope your SIL can take her kids and run. Far and fast. Thousands of miles away. Change her name. Having a loaded gun in the house won't protect her. It will get her killed in this situation.

Even if he goes to jail, he won't serve the entire seven years, and even if he does then he'll be back, even meaner, in seven years.

Also, once a cheater always a cheater. They won't change; they will do it again; and the violence and hatred will only increase until she is a dead bloody pulp.

I'll be having nightmares tonight. I've lived this story, thankfully without the children. I hope she escapes, as I did, and goes on to have a happy, peaceful life, as I have.

(((((SIL)))))
evatx
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Anytime you need more support, you know we're all here for you,Vickey, so pop in and post. You are definitely doing the right thing!
vannie
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
God bless you and give you the courage to do the right thing now and always. What a blessing you are to the children and your SIL. You're going to be her hero, and she needs one. Pray and reach out to others for support. I am so sorry for you and the entire family. There's a lot of misguided people in your life. Thank goodness you know what is right and have the integrity to do what's right.
des_arc_ya_ya
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, I read all the replies to your post and I couldn't have said it any better regarding my feelings, too. I know it has to be hard going against your brother but you know, in your head and heart, that he IS in the wrong.

Thank you for being so supportive to your DSIL and her kids. You're taking the right road and we all know that sometimes it's not the easiest one!

((Vickey))
jayokie
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I add my (hugs) to those of the others, and prayers that your SIL & children will find a Safe Place. YOU are right! your dad, etc. are oh-so-wrong.
Mickey15
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, I will keep you and your dsil and her children in my prayers.
Hugs,
Tammy
sandy_in_ia
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Good grief!!! THANK YOU for standing up for your SIL!! Sometimes I think Minnesota men (I was born and raised there..I CAN say that!) have a whooooole different way of thinking!!!

I feel for your SIL but I worry about what your niece & nephew have seen/leart from their "father"!
kittiemom
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am so sorry for your SIL & the children. You are a wonderful & strong woman to stand up against the rest of your family & for your SIL. I would think that if he held a gun to her head & tried to run over her that the charges would be more serious than they are. Please make sure that your SIL takes her protection & that of her children seriously. Your brother sounds like he could be very dangerous. Again, bless you for standing up for the right thing. I don't understand how others in your family could condone the behavior of your brother. You said it perfectly: "Nothing justifies that kind of treatment".
sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You are a wonderful SIL yourself. Thank you for standing up to the bully and crazies.
lilliepad
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vicky,I'm so sorry for your SIL and everyone concerned.Not many would stand up for a SIL against a brother.Your SIL is a very lucky one to have you.
Your family is in denial! Yes,there are always two sides to every story but there is absolutely nothing that would justify the treatment your SIL has received from this man! Maybe I'm cruel but I hope he gets everything he deserves.Please suggest that your niece and nephew get some counseling.I will keep them in my prayers.
Dee1
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Prayers for you and your family. Thankfully you are there for your SIL. You are doing the right thing. Be proud for standing up for what you know is right!
Dee in Michigan
User
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm stunned. Almost at a loss for words except stay strong. I'm with you in spirit and send prayers for protection of your loved ones. May true justice prevail.
JoanMN
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, I feel so bad for your SIL and her kids. I hope she stays strong and divorces him. and that he goes into counseling.
I think you are a strong, wonderful person, and also right!
JoanMN
jannie
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, I'm sorry my first post was so blunt. I've seen my own sister beaten by her husband (they are still together-yikes). So I have an idea what you are going through. I agree with everyone else that you are a very good person , to know the difference between right and wrong,etc. I will be praying for you and your SIL.
vicki_lv_nv
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey...if it wasn't the soup, it would have been that there were no chips...or she sneezed too loud and woke him up...or some other trivial thing. There will always be an excuse. There will always be the "I am sorry, it will never happen again" pleas. But NOTHING constitutes what he has done. NOTHING! He will never change...she will always be his victim. I am proud of you for standing up for her. She needs someone in her corner...and it sounds like the kids do too. I am with Janie...the schools need to know, so they can be kept safe.

My heart is breaking for your family right now. I hope your siblings and dad will see that what he has done is not right.

Hang in there...we are here for you.

(((Vickey)))
liz
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey...I'm so proud of you in soooo many ways...stand tall....stay strong and know we're all here for you whenever you need to share...this is a heavy burden to have placed on you and I'm just glad you were able to come here and let some of that burden go by writing it out...
tralynn
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, what an angel you are! You know you are right, so don't let anyone ever make you doubt that. I surely commend you for standing by your sister in law and nieces and nephews. I agree with everyone else, the school should be notified for the childrens safety sake.
Just remember we are all behind you and if you ever need to just spout off about this again, we are all here for you.
grittymitts
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Prayers for you, your SIL and those little children. I hope she gets counseling right away (and the kids) because he has probably beaten her self worth in the ground long ago, with words as well as blows.

Thank God for a Police Dept who cared enough to leave an officer to wait for him...it's sometimes, "Call us again if he comes back."

May God keep all of you safe!

Suzi
cynic
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow. I just wish there were more people in the world like you. Strong, intelligent and rational under pressure. That's very rare.

You questioned your family relationship and what you should do. May I offer one piece of unsolicited advice? Obviously you have done it all right so far and your judgement is sound. My only advice is to follow your heart and gut and do what you think is right. You probably wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you didn't. Sometimes you just have to do what you believe is right and if people get mad at you, so be it. I'm essentially estranged from most all of my family because of it. But I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror if I didn't do what (at least I believed) was right. I trust your judgement. I suggest you should also.

Good luck to you and yours.
sue36
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I wonder if maybe your family should meet with a counselor to understand the dynamics of what is going on? Would your father and siblings agree to that? Yes, there are two sides to every story. And his side might be that he is a seriously screwed up, mentally ill person. But there is no side that excuses in any way what he did.

Re: blind support, some families are just like that. No matter what my DH did my MIL would talk the way your family is. DH has done some pretty lousy things over the years (nothing like what your brother did), and my MIL always sticks up for him without hesitation. And I hate to say, he uses her acceptance as an excuse for why what he did was ok. "My mother didn't have a problem with it", he has said to me more than once. I'd hate for your brother to use your family's "support" as mental justification, but I bet he will.
JennaVaNowSC
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vickey, you are doing the right thing,. i agree with all the other posters.... hang in there. your sister in law and her kids need you now. i was where she is 30 years ago, and had no one to stand up for me. my family was 800 miles away and "didnt want to hear about it", all my ex's family here and his friends said i must have 'provoked him'. and back then the police did not want to even answer a domestic violence call. it took many bruises, broken bones, STDs, holding a gun to my head, and being pushed out of a moving vehicle on the highway when i was pregnant for me to be able to get away. alive. and 2 of my now grown kids still hold it against me for breaking up the 'happy family'. and they were there..... sorry for going on... all i am trying to say is God Bless You and i wish i had had you on my side way back then. Hang in there,

June
carla35
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yep, there are two sides to every story and it sounds like you picked the right side. I'm all for sticking by family but not when abuse is so strong and obvious and there are innocent children involved. You are doing the right thing.

Not even sure how to title this...long...

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