It's all about me...

12 years ago

Well as you might know, I lost my mom on the 2nd of June after a 10 year cancer battle. The danged stuff would be knocked down and it kept coming back.

Finally, it went all through her. She had chemo, but never made it past a few weeks treatment. A trip to the hospital ended up with her going on hospice care and she died 1 1/2 weeks later.

It was hard caring for her at first because she was very angry about us "taking over her house" and when the in home nurses checked her every day - she was fit to be tied. When hospice came they gave her "happy" drugs and it was a wonderful time to have with her except for the night she went "Yellow Submarine" on us and was way too happy.

She had hallucinations of an animal named Mamma Happy Bear and laughed and laughed. My sister and I never thought we would hear her laugh again so it was kind of poignant - both funny and sad, but we laughed along. A change in meds and she was normal again.

A few days before she died, she looked at me and said "boy I'm really going to miss you" I asked where she was going and she said "big move"

I guarantee I miss her much more.

She died peacefully in her sleep right after I had left and my brother was on "his shift". He walked out and back in and she was gone.

In the meantime, I had looked at puppies about an hour from here. I was hoping mom would live to see Jetty, but she didn't.

There are good days and days that I wish I would just die myself and pray that God would just take me too. Those days pass. This 9/11 stuff is hitting me hard so I can't watch it.

We have had 2 yard sales of her belongings - everything except clothes and they were donated to the welfare center in town.

We just couldn't handle a stranger flopping my mom's clothes on a table and talking the price down.

I guess I am a strong person because this hasn't killed me (yet). I am the one that has the job of digging out stuff and pricing it. It's hard not to bring everything home that you remember having as a child.

Jetty helps. If I didn't keep a good eye on him - he would have already chewed every thing we own. He is funny and gawky as only a big pup can be.

Mom's house will probably be sold - it is old (log cabin underneath) and has tiny rooms and a leaky basement so we hope it will sell. It might end up being a rental with all that headache.

Anyway, when Granlan said it was good to see me posting again, I thought I'd better do an update.

I am surviving. Thriving will take a while.

Kathy

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Comments (12)

katlan
12 years ago
Kathy, that's all you can do, survive. Hang on til this paralyzing pain lifts. And it will. It's different for everyone. Try not to be alone if there's anyway you can help it. That was the absolute worst time for me, when my kids left for school and husband left for work. I just sat and rocked.

I truly understand when people say they think they are going to lose their minds. Or when people say they wish they were dead too. It's not suicidal thoughts, it's just wishing to go to sleep so the pain stops.

I'll pray for peace for you and your family. Best of luck to you.
sleeperblues
12 years ago
Loving someone is a wonderful thing, except that when and if you lose them it can be devastating. I am so sorry for your pain, but as Katlan says, the paralyzing pain will lift and then hopefully you can concentrate on the good times. I am so glad you have little Jetty to keep you occupied. Animals can be great healers, I wish you peace.
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Hellion
12 years ago
So sorry for your loss and pain.
gardenspice
12 years ago
Kathy,
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you had the time with your Mom at the end. Yes, a "big move" indeed.
Don't watch the 9/11 stuff right now and be kind to yourself.
I hope you continue to enjoy that new pup.
Best thoughts,
GardenSpice
Jasdip
12 years ago
Kathy,
Pick Jetty up and hug and kiss him. You need that kind of unconditional love that he gives.

Like you, I recently lost my Mom, and it hurts like heck. I don't want to die, but it sure isn't the same, not having mom to talk to.

The smallest things can set me off. I sorted a few things of hers....I kept some purses, and some of her socks. It seems weird keeping socks, but her clothes are all like new, but they don't fit me. She wore these little white ankle socks, and this morning I was putting some away in my drawer and I started to cry, remembering her in the livingroom chair, wearing these little socks.
lynn_d
12 years ago
I wish I could give you a real, in person hug, Kathy but I'm afraid that a cyber hug will have to do the job for me. I am so very sorry for your loss and am glad that you have some recent happy times to cling to during these sad times. If you had not loved so deeply you would hurt so badly, it is good that you had that love. I lost my in July 2009 and I still shed tears, I was her only child and I miss her so.
lydia1959
12 years ago
(((Kathy))) So sorry for the loss of your mom.
cynic
12 years ago
My condolences on your Mom. Cherish the good times and remember them often. As you sort things it'll probably be tough but maybe if you can look for a happy memory, a chuckle or something from at least some of them it can ease the burden.

Glad to hear you could enjoy a few laughs before the end. I'm sure it felt good for all of you.

My best to you and yours.
ronf_gw
12 years ago
Thank you for the update, Kathy.

You're in my prayers.

Ron
xminion
12 years ago
Celebrate your mother and the fact you had a good relationship with her. Plant a tree in her honor, or maybe a rosebush - what was her favorite flower?

Treat yourself like you would Jetty. Sleep if you're tired, eat if you're hungry. Be very gentle with yourself. DO NOT READ or LOOK AT 9/11 or any other disaster currently going on in the world just yet. You have enough stress now.
dotmom
12 years ago
Kathy, I'm so sorry for rough time you have been going through. I Pray that soon, the memories of your Dear Mom, will bring more smiles than tears. You were there for her through the end.(((((hugs))))) Dottie
Granlan_TX
12 years ago
Awww, come here Kathy, Jasdip and all my sweet friends. I know I could use a group hug..how about you?

It's hard to "hear" the sadness in your post, Kathy, but it's good you can share with us...the bad and the good. :)

I'm so glad you and funny, busy Jetty have each other.

Thinking of you and hoping the days become less painful.

My new email address is granlan43@att.net.

It's all about me...

Comments (12)

katlan

sleeperblues

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