if you can keep seperate spaces, do your own shopping, dr appts, friends, and generally stay out of each other's lives, then go for it. you do realize at 60/68 with fairly good health this could be a very, very, long term relationship...

my mother was 89 when she passed and had lived with us for only 2 years, and i think giving up her home in another state for ours, contributed...she gave up and became very dependent...while allour children were gone, was babysitting 2 of dgds, and had to give it up...

have you considered what might happen if ds got transferred, corp move? then what? you'd be stranded with a huge home to sell, (i'm sure ds would need funds to relocate)

maybe living with a son might be different..(it's the dils that have added some grey, lol) it's very hard to "divorce" yourself from situations...ie their routines, child care, food, habits, etc...heck i don't live with them and voice my opinions, when not asked, lol...

i do applaude your taking care of things with a lawyer...you didn't mention..are there other adult children in the family? you won't get that mom and dad do so much for brother, and not for me?

Not if you will have an area other than just bedrooms...You need a living area with a door to shut out noise. When you have lived alone for a long time it is hard to be around all that noise of children again...

One thought that comes to mind is....and heaven forbid....what if they would come to a point where they divorce...and you would be even older and left with this huge house to take care of or the bills . I know that no one ever plans on that happening...but sometimes it does.

Just a thought...

I hope whatever you decide that it works for you.

Personally I would rather have a small home built right next to them, where in my golden years if I need care they would be close.

patti

I think it's great that you're really doing everything to figure this out and make it "legal". Best wishes to you.

With that said, I would never want to live with my in-laws or my own parents, regardless of how big the house is. A family, especially a young one with small children, need space and time to grow their family dynamics and regardless of how much private space there is, you're never alone. I think it would be hard to separate and not get involved in their everyday lives, and for me personally, I'd feel incredibly smothered. And you and your DH are young, this could be a very long committment for everyone.

I would much prefer a separate house built on the same property than one large house for everyone.

I have thought about this before. I was thinking of building a Duplex. Two different homes but yet one house payment and taxes.
Just my 2 cents

Susan, this is the sort of thing I'm looking for. Thanks.

My mom is 84 and in a nursing home b/c I can no longer take care of her. That is something we have discussed with son about our future - they would have to be able to "Put us out" without feeling like they were abandoning us.

"Divorcing" ourselves is one hard part. Hub has already said that he thinks he'd have to be the "godfather" of the clan for major decisions. As for child-rearing, that could be tricky. I have strong opinions. BUT...I babysit these kids once a week in their home and love it. They come to our house almost every weekend, and that is fine, too. But, we are always pooped when they leave.

No corporate moves - he's a teacher, she is in private practice. We live about an hour away from them now.

Son is the fourth of our six kids, so fairness is an issue we have thought about but don't know how to deal with. As far as I know, none of the other kids knows we are talking about this. Well, maybe one does - she is 26 and has lived with us since she graduated college. That has been a delightful experience for all of us. The oldest will be 40 next week (yikes!) and the youngest is 23. If I had my way, we'd all live on the same block and I'd babysit all the gkids and cook dinner for all 19 of us every day! That isn't going to happen, though, and Hub says if it did he'd have to live in the woods behind the house.

I think you're right about your mom. I know my mom gave up when we moved her to the nursing home.

I was writing and saw only Susan's response. I should have checked back before I posted!

I think the duplex or two houses ideas are even better ideas than one house. We've never talked about that. Sort of goes along with my heart's desire of the "family compound" we all live on!

I can't wait to add these thoughts to our discussions.

Is it OK if I ask whose idea it is?

Personally, I wouldn't do it, for reasons others have already mentioned.

ouch on the middle child, lol, syndrome...you're in a deep place...and yet a hour away from the majority of the family is a lot...oh did i get the feedback for caring for 2 of my grands when dd1 who lives 3 hours away, and always had to pay dearly for daycare...

what about the dd still at home...is this a way of forcing her to grow up and out? we had our youngest (by 3 minutes, lol) move back, but it was a matter of weeks before he was gone again...

and unless ds has tenure, teaching isn't the most stable job anymore... or like they did recently, another state came head-hunting for local teachers...i don't know how many abandoned michigan for las vegas...

am loling about dh becoming the godfather...dh's pet name is poppa-bear...i get the feeling he's as strong as my dh and that could lead into serious problems...he says if we won the lottery he'd buy a compound for the entire family...right now with 4 kids, spouses, and grands, we number 17...

the truth is, you won't know for sure until it's past the turning point...in all fairness, don't pull a surprise! we're moving...why not approach the others with an "ok, dad and i have to make some changes to live within our means..what do you suggest"?

i'd like to know what dil's parents/relatives are saying??

I don't think I'd do it... too many things can happen. People can end up taking advantage of each other even if they don't realize they are doing it. I think your other kids may feel left out or feel as if the child you are living with is getting a financial advantage.

I don't think a smaller home on the same property for you and your DH would be a terrible idea though.

Son and DIl first brought it up, at least two years ago. They are having another baby and need a bigger house, while the dtr who lives with us is getting married and moving to her own home, so we could use a smaller home now. Son, DIL and we have been talking in earnest for two weeks now, but stalled again. Their house is on the market but not getting any action, our house is not on the market.

We see a lot of our kids. We live within two hours of one another, except for one kid who lives five hours away. One family or another (or all of them at the holidays) will spend a night or two here. This house is not big enough for that, but we manage for a few days. The kids all seem to have good, close relationships with each other, independent of us, and the little cousins have a ball together.

I think our DIL is the one who might end up with the biggest problem in this kind of arrangement. We love her dearly, she is a wonderful woman, but I wonder if she is looking at this critically enough. How do you have a fight with your husband if his parents are on the premises? I don't know if she has mentioned it to her parents, and can't imagine what they'd have to say about it.

I know I would love being the built-in babysitter and cook, but I don't think hub would love the racket! It's kind of nice having a quiet life. That said, he does love having the gang around, but he never wants to go to their houses.

Both families need their own space preferably miles apart.

"their kids are 3 1/2, 16 months, and a baby due Dec" I am only 56 and I don't think I could put up with that. If you were building a separate MIL quarters with your own kitchen, bath, LR & DR then I would say OK, but to share space with all those kids, I wouldn't do it even at this age. And you could be around for another 30+ years. Do you really want to give up your freedom so soon? And are you prepared to be live-in around the clock babysitters? Doing it once a week is a lot different then 24/7.

"Hub has already said that he thinks he'd have to be the "godfather" of the clan for major decisions." That could cause ruffled feathers and alot of tension with adult children. They won't want to give up control and be treated like little kids. I know I wouldn't have liked it at that age.

My Mom is 90 and still lives in her own home in IL. She likes it that way. Someone comes in everyday in the morning to take care of her and make her meals. That is all she needs. In FL she also had her own place until my twin sister (and boyfriend) moved in, supposedly to take care of her. All sister's expenses are paid and she stays there free all year long. My Mom will never say anything to her, but to me she says she likes the peace and quiet of her IL home where it is just her and the cat.
Clare

i can relate to dh wanting the kids to go home, and then not staying with the kids..

the last few times we've stayed with our dd1 has been very stressful. we decided to try and make other arrangements, to avoid staying with them anymore...and havn't had the heart to tell her that...

best wishes to your dd, and upcoming marriage...i must say knowing ds is looking for other arrangements is mighty interesting...

if your housing market is anything like ours, this could be drawn out for a year ir more...

A friend of mine has successfully done just what you've described.

She's just turning 40, and her hubby is a year or so older. Their boys are 8 and 5.

Shortly after the birth of their first son, her husband's father passed away. He was concerned about his mother living on her own ... she's not of an age where you'd normally be so concerned, but he's a cop and they live in a college town and he was just uncomfortable with it. So with the blessing of my friend, they shopped around til they found a huge house, which meets all their needs. MIL paid one-third of the cost of the house up-front, she does not pay monthly utilities, they cover all of that.

MIL lives in the ground floor (basement) with a living room, kitchen, two bedrooms and laundry room ... with her own entrance to the house. She has her own parking space in the garage. My friend and her family are on the ground floor and 2nd level.

Grandma is *NOT* a built-in babysitter; they have only asked for her help in that capacity twice in all these years. They go on family vacations without her, she goes on vacations without them. They also take vacations together. They have dinner all together maybe twice a week, but it's not set in stone or anything. Just whatever dates work for that week.

It has worked out extremely well for them for a number of reasons. The most important ones are communication and expectations. It doesn't hurt anything, that my friend really and truely LIKES her MIL (as well as loves her!) and knew that whatever agreements they made, the MIL would stick with it.

I wish you well! I do think it takes special people to undertake a living arrangement like this. But I've seen for myself that it can work out for everyone involved.

Living close is fine as long as it's not toooo close. All of you need your own space. Either do a duplex, separate houses on the same land or just buy two house near each other. That way you can still be near but not in each other's way.

Linda

"Hub has already said that he thinks he'd have to be
the "godfather" of the clan for major decisions."

This was a red flag for me. What gives hub the 'right' to make 'major decisions' for grown children? Input, advise,
suggestions, yes! But to force those decisions on adult children & in-laws? Fireworks & hurt feelings are guaranteed.

I'm just a couple of yrs older than you, and I would NOT do it. I'm working, can go to meetings when/if I want. Fix a light supper or not as I want. I can let the housework slide in favor of doing something for myself or the community...or a good book! I don't have to worry about being the built-in babysitter or the other children being resentful (if not now, then in the future)

My FIL passed away just before my oldest was born. We tried staying with MIL even to the point of serious discussion of moving in. It took about 2 wks for that dream to be blown up; fortuately, we had not given up our rental. It took a long time for that to heal.

There are SO many negatives afixed to this. I, personally, could not do it. If you decide to combine households, however, I wish you only the best.

a friend of mine added to her house, to let her parents live there.

separate entrances, nothing connecting but the outer walls.

There were no children living at home anymore at the time.

Both parents have passed since, first the dad, and now the mom.

a nephew lives there now.

She would recommend this to anyone. It worked for her.

Moni

When I pressed him on the "godfather" comment, he couldn't say what he meant. He is a very gentle, thoughtful man so I don't have any insights to the comment. Frankly, it surprised me. After 40 years, you'd think I'd have some idea!

It wouldn't be about child-raising, chore distribution, what color to paint the living room, money decisions (that will be worked out before any commitments are made), vacations. I really have no idea what he means. The kids all come to him for advice on their careers or financial matters, which they sometimes follow, sometimes don't.

He does sometimes seem resentful that I want to babysit more often than he does, and he gets more tired out from their visits than I do. Neither of us is working now and have thoroughly enjoyed these three years.

I don't know what privately worries hub, son, and DIL, but mine are that hub and I will not like what we see regarding the way son and DIL raise their kids; so far that is not the case, but they're still little. Teenagers are another matter!

I also worry that as we age, it will be hard for them to move us to a nursing home, if it comes to that, because of a sense of duty to us. Those of us who escape the ravages of old age are lucky, indeed.

Hub and I would put about $100,000 towards the purchase, leaving about 300,000 for them to finance. We haven't consulted a lawyer yet so I don't know about ownership or any other details, or who could get the equity out or divide it up for distribution to our other kids or anything else. I don't know how we'd divide up grocery bills, utilities, chores, any thing like that. It would be such a major change to our lives that it is frightening, yet it seems very appealing.

We couldn't live with just any of our kids, but with this particular son and his family.....

I will go ahead and say it...

ARE YOU CRAZY ?????

There are just too many dynamics and people to make this work out long term. If you are really serious about this, try moving in with them for TWO months or longer. Make it a fair trial. Not just some weekend get together. Take notes and see what bugs you, what you would do different in the household, attitudes from other siblings, ect. Two months would be minimum to see if this has any prospect of working out before you jump off the deep end.

That was succinct! Might be just what I needed to clear my head.

CB, that is a very good idea... We have noticed when we go to visit how different the kids live than us and have really bit our comments back as we know it's just a visit.

The house would have to be huge to get away from the normal kid noise. We have found as we age, we love our Grandkids, but sure love it when they go home.

We also have times we just like to sit around until noon in our robes, DH watches football on tv and I read and drink coffee. For dinner we'll have something light and just sit and visit with each other. I can't imagine quiet times with a house full of normal kids running around.

Then you get into things like home maintence,normal household bills, insurances and taxes. Food budget, agreeing on decor and on and on.. Comingle your finances and there will be BIG problems..

Years ago my Mom told me two women can't live peacefully in the same house. I think she was right, and I bet your DIL thinks the same thing.

I would say a smaller home on the property, or a home connected with a breezeway. Never ever the same home..Kathy

My hubby kind of has the "godfather" attitude in a good way about our house. We bought it nearly 3 years ago and he had visions of lots of family around the dinner table and lots of kids playing in the yard. Our GKs all live out of state and visit infrequently so it is fun when they arrive. But he (we) are tired and relieved when they go home again. I think the godfather part is just enjoying watching the generations.

A friend of mine rented a large home with her DD, DS & DDIL and combined 7 little children a few months ago. What was she thinking? She wanted to save money but has already told her kids that when the one year lease is up, she is out of there. She said the noise really bothers her and she spends lots of time in her bedroom upstairs with the door locked. Her DIL doesn't like to clean house and DS doesn't like to do the yard work he committed to.

I will do anything to maintain the relationships we have w/ our 3 children and I think that includes NOT trying to live together. It's just too much togetherness.

I wouldn't do it, especially with three young children in the house. I can't imagine that being comfortable for a 68 y.o. man.

Saying that, I do live with my daughter and son-in-law and their 27 y.o. daughter and college age son who is home occasionally. However, I spend most of my time in my bedroom where I have my computer, desk and chair and a lift chair and a book case full of books. I have a full bath right outside my room which only I use. I load and unload the dishwasher, bake something once in awhile, do my own laundry. eat with the family and watch football games with my son-in-law.

They never have to worry about my butting into their affairs as I am so hard of hearing (even wearing two hearing aids) that I never know what they are talking about!!

wow this has turned into a great discussion...so many ideas and thoughts...

i think we'd all like to believe in the "walton mentality", but with the diverse directions we seem to be going these days, it's just not there anymore...but then the waltons had a whole mountain...lol....

It's one thing to live together if you know the house belongs to either your son or to you and the other is the house guest so to say. Then you know who makes the rules. But, you're scenario is odd because it suggests two women running one household.

How are you going to divide up food, meals, cooking, etc?Who cleans the common bathrooms... what if someone is a neat freak?

Who picks the temp in the house? Who gets to park in the garage? Who gets to pick the color of paint for the living room? Who decides if you can get a dog?

Who answers the phone, do you really want your son and DIL to know everyone who calls you; what if you have medical or financial problems you don't want them to know every detail about? Do you really want to know all of their business?

I'm just not seeing splitting a house with anyone other than your hubby. There would just be way too many adults that are in control and in charge. I think you're in for a very rude awakening.

And, that's generally only the roommate type problems. What's gonna happen when your DIL and son get in fights? Are you going to side with one, will there be hard feelings if you don't? Will your son prefer your cooking to his wives, how well will that sit with her? Will you feel compelled to offer advice about childrearing; why not, don't you care? Won't you feel compelled to do things your way if you are helping with the kids? You're putting yourself in too many Catch 22 situations.

My friend Helena bought a two-family house and had three generations (really four) living there. Her elderly mother, Helena and spouse, and their married daughter with a husband and three little boys. I'm not sure how they all managed, but today her mother is passed away, the daughter has her own house, so it's just Helena and her DH. I think everyone bought their own groceries and did their own cooking.

Not exactly the same, but...
DD and her 2 children lived with me for a year. There was no 'rules' set (mistake #1). It was a period for her to get on her feet after a divorce. She never got on her feet. I never charged her rent (I was planning on saving it for when she moved out). She paid nothing. Oldest DGD, 10 yrs. old, stayed in my guest bedroom, and DD and DGS (18. months)in the basement. To put it in a short way, it didn't work, and I couldn't wait for my own space, alone, by myself again. Yes, I missed my DGD, but not the bawling, and fit throwing of the DGS. My patients is not what it was when my own kids were young. And my idea of disciplin is not the same as hers. It's a lot better for me now that they're in their own place.
This a time for you and DH to go and do while you can. I wouldn't tie myself into something that permanent, unless it was in a duplex type home. They in their unit, and me in mine. Each paying their own bills and ect.
Leslie

Since you are thinking so far ahead what happens if the son and DIL split up? who goes where?

My gosh you and hub arenot even really senior citizens yet with a lot of years to spend on yourselves. They made their bed now they should pay for and sleep in it.
sounds harsh.
What if they hae another baby the following year .
Why not let them rent your house and you and Hub rent a smaller apartment then their rent could pay for your place.
Hub might not be able to take too much and could walk out.. terrible thought I know but it has happened under lesser circumstances.

I was just thinking about the movie that has been on TVseveral times this week "Failure to Launch" there were some funny spots in it. The son wouldn't move out even in his 40's - when he finally did his dad (Terry Bradshaw) turned his room into his "Naked Room" something he had wanted for a long time.

Though DH and I love our kids and the grand dearly, this in NOT something we could do. It's even hard having DS move back in after moving out for a year. We like our space, and the quiet. We love having Damien visit, but are glad when he goes home. We just can't tolerate all the noise and comotion. Sounds like your DH is the same way. If you are going to do it, I would suggest, like others have, that you have a duplex or seperate homes on one property. And, please, discuss it with your other children first. Have a family meeting after you tell the others, so that everyone has time to think about things and can discuss it rationally, with no surpises.

Tami

I love all three of our kids dearly. That being said, the dynamics of all three of their families sometimes drives me CRAZY! I agree with several of the others - maybe a smaller home on the same property, etc., but I think EVERYBODY (especially from different generations) needs a place to go to and GET AWAY from each other and feel truly alone.

I know that some families live in situations like this and outwardly do fine. I just don't think that I would want to do it that way.

I thank each of you sincerely for your thoughtful comments. You have nothing personal vested in our considerations, so see things more clearly. I'm very glad I posted!

One of the issues that really strikes home is the one of fairness to the other kids. They are all good, hard-working people who earn a heck of a lot more than hub and I ever did (the American Dream) and don't need a thing from us. Neither do son and DIL - they are very comfortable. But I watched my parents support two of my brothers to the point where Mom is now impoverished, and I must admit that I am mad at my brothers for doing that to Mom, sad that Mom wasn't strong enough to stop enabling them, and a little resentful that, as the "good" kid who never needed money, I got nothing but the task of caring for Mom in her old age. I do not want anything like that to happen to us, no misconceptions about how Son & DIL got things the others didn't.

Thank you. This has been very helpful.

Sherry

"We couldn't live with just any of our kids, but with this particular son and his family"

You have a good relationship with this son and his wife, so why ruin it with this plan?

Sherry, I see alot of comments about what others would do or wouldn't do.
Here's my take..I've been in these shoes. lol

We live in my mothers home, she NOW lives out of state, and has off and on over the last 15 years. There has been times in the past 15 years, that she's moved back to her house with us..(It's a small house 3bed/1bath!, to small for a family of 5, then throw another adult in..'nough said. So space is the key!)
Anyway, some problems are..parenting now is NOT like it was 20-30 years ago! She has her opinions and sometimes she did step in on the boys. She really didn't like being in that position, and I didn't like it either.(So she has for the most part learned to bite her tongue!)
There was a time, when we didn't pay mortage/rent, but paid all the utlilities, I did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. She'd pitch in on some things when I was working and she was on the "bench" with her consulting firm.
We have always talked about getting some land and building two houses or having a duplex or splitting up a large house into 2 fully functional homes. So I certainly see where you and your kids are coming from. It's nice to have the family unit together. And it was done for generations!

So here's my take as the married kid with kids who's lived with their parent...
I still think it's a grand idea...I also think that what others have touched on..space, own kitchen, TV room, bathroom, entrance..are KEY!

But certainly you and hubby and DIL/DS know your family dynamics. I think it's amazing that are really thinking all of this out ahead of time.

My brother is sucessful and married..trying to adopt now..and lives 5 hours from the family home..He has NO desire for "fairness" of mom's time.

I think you should approach your other children and ask their opinions too..

sherrmann, I'm pleased to see you're considering all our input. So many times, if a poster disagrees with the OP, the one asking for input gets upset. I can only speak for myself, but it appears we've all tried to look at it from a distance (not personally involved), factoring in any first hand experiences. It's certainly not something to be done quickly or taken lightly.

This idea may have worked for the Waltons but, that was a TV show. In real life I can imagine a dozen different ways that this could turn out to be a really bad choice.

Ron

When I was a kid growing up in MA my best friend lived down the street. She, her parents and her mother's mother lived in one side of the house (the larger side). Her paternal grandparents lived in the other side of the house and had their own enterance with kitchen, living room, 2 bedrooms and a bath. They all seemed to get along great and took care of each other.

I remember grandpa took care of the yardwork and raised a garden. Everyone seemed so happy and I was there often.

As the years went on the paternal grandparents died and my friends parents moved into their side of the house. My friend, now married, lived in the larger side with her husband and 4 kids. Everyone got along fine and the grandfather took care of the yard work and some small house repairs.

My friends parents have died now and she and her husband live in the smaller side of the house while one of her daughters and family live in the larger side. They all seem to get along great and are very happy.

This can work as long as people have their privacy and can come and go as they want to such as vacations and so forth. Just be sure that everything is worked out ahead of time and that everyone is sure that this is what they want.

You will have to be sure that your grandkids know that when you say it is time to go home they go so grandpa can have his time of peace and quiet.

I was always envious of my friend while we were growing up. She had all her grandparents around her and was secure and loved. I didn't get to see my grandparents very often because my folks worked. They had the ideal life in my opinion.

Nita AZ, that is a wonderful story. Thank you.

Sherry

Nita, Exactly.