Adult stepdaughter pushing my kids away

cmcgaha2012

12 years ago

My SD, 24 years old, with a one year old baby, has and continues to work on ruining my marriage, and now my life with my natural children.
I have 2 children, both in college and self sufficient since their freshman year.
my SD is one of 7 children, but is certainly the most manipulative and cunning one of the all, and the most spoiled.
My SD has lived with us since we were married - always lying and playing games she used to be able to get away with her dad, but I catch her so of course she hates me because I point it out to him.
She has a one year old - and baby daddy is a in and out figment in her life. Theyve been together on and off for 3 years...but he is abusive and controlling and they fight horribly. HE is not welcome on our property because of his temper and things he has said to us.
She lived with us during pregnancy, we painted nursery and helped her buy everything she needed since she was barely working. About a month before her due date, she left and moved in with him. This lasted about 3 months and she moved back home. Anyway - same routine, relying on us for support and being a lazy bum in between. she does nothing - nothing around house, nothing on trying to find work, etc. NOTHING.
that lasted a few months and I could tell she was back talking to BD so I told her, if you choose that path again, then you have to choose it fully and leave, our door is not revolving to come back and forth at your leisure or when you need something. She did - moved out and they rented a house together etc...for about 3 months - their record is 3 months together before it goes really bad again.
She came back in May - after much discussion and reluctance, she moved back home. She went on family vacation with us and her brother and sisters in June, and of course we paid all her expenses to go...to have BD show up on day 3 and she left with him - never to be seen again until this past weekend. She has lied to us repeatedly about being with him but too many things left for us to find indicating she is...too many to list but we know she is with him...but the baby's birthday is this month and we know she is scheming to get us to pay for it...which we both agree we wont.
Here is my biggest concerns:
We just got back from a 2nd vacation with my kids - and I questioned them a bit about why they dont come home anymore, or call or text me like they did 6 months ago. Their response was that they were done being around SD because she brings everyones mood down, they are tired of watching how she treats me and her dad, and how she uses us to get things...while they are working and school full time to be independent. She is pushing my kids out of my life...because no matter what happens, our door always seems to stay open.
She doesnt pay rent, doesnt help around house...just uses it as a place to stay and have a babysitter. WE love the baby, and are very attached to her so the babysiting is usually the easier of all. But, the lying and manipulating is old...I am over it but when I try to talk to hubby about it all, he just gets angry and defensive. It causes so much stress between him and me and now moving on to my kids.but if I shut my door to her, and I forcing her into a bad relationship because she has no where else to go - but then again, she is with him and lying to us because she knows it is not something either of us nor the rest of her family will approve of.

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Comments (3)

southernsummer
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
CM,

You and your husband need family Counselling in a big way.

You and your husband have not set any boundaries with SD, and
she is taking advantage of that. As a result, your family is in Codependent Chaos. I wouldn't want to live there either.

A counsellor can help you know why you and your husband do not
Believe you are worthy of respect and why you are willing to be doormats
For a disrespectful SD and why you are willing to become more and more estranged from your kids.

Why are you rewarding bad behavior? Why can't you set boundaries? Why are you willing to be treated with disrespect ? Would you allow SD to be disrespectful to a teacher or minister? Why do you put up with it for yourselves ? Are you afraid to let go of her?

This will take some hard work. Good luck.
sylviatexas1
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Your SD has the whole family hostage, & the only thing that will change the dynamic is taking away her power.

No means no, door is not open, can't move back 'home', etc.

As long as she can get you to let her get her foot in your door, SD will keep pulling your strings, & your children have had a bellyful of it.

& since her boyfriend controls her, that means he controls you as well.

One person can indeed ruin many lives, & it often happens when the other people have the very best intentions & try to do the right thing.
I'm so sorry, & I wish you the best.
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I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules.
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suzieque
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
This sounds like a disaster, with a troubled young-ish woman who is destroying a family.

Please do what you can to stop her from having so much control.

Adult stepdaughter pushing my kids away

Comments (3)

southernsummer

sylviatexas1

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