Hey Mojo...okay, I can't help it, but I'm laughing - not because I don't take your predicament seriously (I do!), but because of the fact that you've told your story with such disarming honesty. Some say that women are more inherently relational - that the details of people's lives that seem ridiculous to guys matter greatly to women because their antennae are more naturally attuned to relationships and their issues. Case in point - look at this website! You, posting on the marriage forum as a man, are probably in the minority. Most guys, I'm guessing, don't give a rip about the marital issues of people they don't even know. But we gals...oh yeah. That said, I don't know if I have great answer for you. If your wife is sharing what she does because that's just who she is, you could try to negotiate how it goes a la some of the suggestions above. If you think she's being passive aggressive and doing it to intentionally make you angry, there's something deeper you'll need to explore. Nevertheless, your question reminds me of the following excerpt from "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys," one of THE funniest books I've ever read. My husband and I can practically quote it chapter and verse. I hope you enjoy it: "Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. Wha cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll take their warranty and ...................... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

This is frustrating me - Mara, it is a semantics fight here, and what I am saying is, let's not use words that in common, modern, english language suggest or in any way allow for a heirarchy (sp) in the home. Too many people see that word "surrendered" and they think of being captured on a war field and held down, so to speak. Let's use more empowering words, so that we can understand that BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE are equal to each other, before God, and must be respectful, loving, kind, and humble. Does that leave any question as to whether it's okay to expect your partner to take your crap? NO, it doesn't. But the word SUBMIT absolutely does. Doesn't matter if the word SUBMIT is kinder than CONTROL, just the fact that you put them together in the same category is indicative of how the word SUBMIT is used. The original meaning of the word SUBMIT was not intended in any way to mean subservience, but it has become that way because of how people choose to interpret the Bible, and because of history. It is not right, it's not okay - that doesn't invalidate the bible, it simply invalidates human interpretation of such and shows how truly ignorant we are as humans.

I am a Biomother and stepmother. So I have perspective from both sides of the fence. First off- your wife had an affair. You need to accept it or forgive her. There is no grey area. Trust me I know! My first husband had an emotional affair with a woman, and I was so angry and could not move past it. So hence, my marriage ended. Now please don't get me wrong, but I know now that it was not the affair that ended my marriage. Because looking back on it I should have solved the real problem. Which was what was I not giving my husband that he felt the need to stray. I am not holding him blameless, but he ended it. He was sorry that he did it. It was my bittereness towards him for what he did that I accept responsibility for. SO therefore, like I said, you can either work on your marriage and the adtermath of the affair, or you can make her miserable until the point that she really wants to leave you. The choice is yours. Sorry to sound so blunt, but I have been in your shoes. Now as far as your son. That is all I read in your post was about YOUR son. Now if I read correctly, you have another child with your wife. And apparently you are okay with your first son physically abusing YOUR other child. When my daughter was born, my step-son tried on numerous occasions to hurt my daughter and his own brother. Physically attacking, clawing at faces, throwing large items at. So my dh and I talked with a therapist about the issue. He told us that he was doing it out of jealousy, sibling jealousy. BUT that he should NOT be rewarded for his bad actions. So, if he did it again, then he would not be allowed visitation with his dad or our family. His dad was not to take time alone with the child away from our family, because that was basically rewarding his behavior. Kids aren�t stupid, and this was the desired outcome he wanted. So we told him, you ever hit or hurt either child, then you will be considered out-of-control and dangerous to others, and daddy will have to protect the other children from you, and therefore you will not be coming over. With that said, it was the last time he ever hit either child in our presence. Am not telling you that you need to forget about your son, but you need to make sure that he becomes a responsible young person who has consequences for his actions. I will tell you that if any child, mine or a step were to hurt another child of mine, then there are consequences, and you better be sure as hell that I am going to be pissed at the perpetrator. It seems to me that you are bitter at your wife for her bitterness towards your son. Perhaps you should allow her to disengage and have two relationships. One with her and your other child, and one with your son. Don�t expect her to like him, and of course don�t expect him to hurt her. It sounds like he is quite bitter at her two. You also have a responsibility for your other child as well. Do you think it is in the best interest of the child to have divorced parents, because the of the child�s older sibling. Don�t you think that will make your younger child bitter towards the older child AND you? So, my suggestions are: 1. Either forgive the affair and move forward. Or just end the marriage and save both of you a whole lot of grief. I will tell you that in retrospect from personal experience that letting go of that bitterness and anger will be better for you. People make mistakes, and this is just one of many that your wife will make. And this is from someone whoms ex-spouse had an affair on. 2. Be a part of your son�s life, but because of his behavior to the rest of the family, realize that you have another child to protect and thus must keep them apart. I hope you take this advice to heart.

Ok, to clarify, my issue is not what their rules are. Its the dont tell or your in trouble policy. This goes back to the inappropriate touching issue. My youngest DD in trouble for telling me that the step-sister had touched her inappropriately. Yes, call it nosey, call it controlling whatever, but when I get the "I'm not supposed to tell" speech that's when I get upset. THere is a history of I'm not supposed to tell stuff that has gone on. Getting in trouble specifically, the girls will figure that part out, and stay under the radar eventually. The kids are not allowed to call the OP and whine about being in trouble. That goes for both houses, so we are on the same page. Even if they did call their dad, I have nothing to hide and will not prevent them from telling their dad they are in trouble. TO KATHLINE, to answer you. Funny because as I was responding back to SM yesterday as she asked me what I thought of her parenting style. My thought was...well on one hand you are too lineant (sp) and then on the other have some really unreasonable strict that's how it is kind of rules. So how do you decribe that parenting style? Two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. She allows the girls to dress like tramps....that's not strict. But then has a rule that step-sisters cant be friends with each others friends. That doesnt make sense to me. They are all close in age and we live in a very small town. Too me...just doesnt make sense. Why can't they all be friends? Not that I'm gonna go discuss this with SM just my thought on the idea. Secondly regarding my son and his older friend. I never said anything while it was going on.... but after the fact, yes reminded him she was the one I warned him about in life before I sent him out on his way into the world. No I do not need to control my son's love life and havent. I will however tell him if I am concerned about something. Sometimes he listens, sometime he doesnt. As in the past I will always be there for him regardless if his choice is one I agreed with or not. He will eventually figure it out and luckily we have that type of relationship we can talk about this kind of stuff. Yes, I have been forced to deal with SM because EXH cannot take care of anything. Sooo this is the only way as parents we have been able to coordinate crap. I realized the other night how angry I actually am with EXH when he wouldnt talk to me. He's letting his wife handle everything, just like he let me handle everything when we were married. So her and I are left to deal with each other. I resent that a little bit I guess because he is still not being responsible for choice making, again! Yes, I do need to make some changes and that is what I am working on and hence the whole reason I put my foot down with SM. It really shouldnt be this difficult EVERY day! I am a very strong woman and for the sake of peacekeeping have turned the other cheek and bit my tongue more than you could imagine, I have tried to build a relationship with this woman which I thought was in the best interest of my children. Instead I have become the mat for her feet wiping and I'm done. Call it controlling if you want. I am taking my space back. Believe me, the less I have to hear from the otherhouse the better. I have a wonderful life right now with my husband, our new baby girl, my job, and my relationship with my kids. Everything else is great! I just have this rash....and it won't go away. So.....this forum is my venting space and I will not engage with her any longer other than one liners. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let this black cloud ruin my sunshine.