Jannie, I'm so sorry that your sister is doing this to you. I was one of three sisters, I was the youngest..my two sisters have passed away, one of brain cancer and the other had cancer too. I miss them so much. I wish I could talk to them the way we used to. I pray that your sister will come around and make amends with you soon.

Jannie, I'm sorry for your sad situation.

I had a family member who decided they'd been taken advantage of by the rest of the family. Wrongly, needless to say. So this person decided they could share their misery by withdrawing, in a hope that doing so would make others in the family unhappy.

This person had been the cause of enough family problems that about 3/4s of us were quite satisfied with the new development. The person was bent upon sharing their mistaken misery and these several of us refused to respond. In that regard, I think your repeated calls and letters were a mistake, because you were allowing that person to define the relationship.

People who are unwilling to talk through problems and who act so ignorantly don't deserve your time or attention. I know everyone is different, but mourn their attitude not their absence. You're better off not spending time with someone like that, I don't care what the relationship is.

That's very sad. As others have said, always leave the lines of communication open at your end. It's too bad that these things happen.

My brother called today to day his good friend died unexpectedly at age 61. He had not spoken to his brother in many, many years, and now he never will.

I hope your sister changes her mind.

Jannie, I agree with Snidely, when you try to communicate with your sister~~she in turns uses what I call 'emotional blackmail' to get back at you~~like talking to your DD or other sister and saying nasty things about you. Knowing they will tell you, do not play the game.

I had a brother that did not speak to me for 25 years, for some imagined thing in his and his wife's head;( I tried for 7 years to play nice nice, finally I just let go. It was sad but his choice not mine;(

Yes try to leave the avenues of communication open. Sometimes things are so deep rooted, real or imagined.
I am going through a difficult time with a cousin. I am shocked by her treatment of me and her negative feelings for me that I now learned have been going on for years.
She suggested we take a breather! I am interested in knowing ALL the things I did to offend her! I always thought we had a friendly cordial relationship.

This may not be your situation but in family therapy circles it is often said that in some ways the black sheep is the healthiest one of the group.

I like the idea of sending a letter, letting her know that you are open to hearing her pain when she is ready to share it constructively and that you love her.

we walk the fragile line everyday..not so much the actual siblings but one dil...so I take what I can get...Christmas day we're all together...(her lastest antic? ebaying a Christmas gift that she asked for our dgd)

this year will be rougher, as my youngest dd got divorced (he decided he liked the nanny better than our dd) but we will pull together...

you don't mention if you have other family...cousins, aunts, uncles? i'm sure they could benefit from your quiet, tender nature, where your sister can't...

mark me right up there with Glenda and kayjones

sister,couple of brothers and a dd-and mostly becuz I was the executor of parents wills

oh well-its' been years-pretty close to 10-funny thing-I am living just fine without their bs and drama

For some of us, these situations just hurt. (I lost an earlier post, so this will be brief). Maybe the closeness of the relationship determines our reaction to the estrangement. I am estranged from DD#3, the one who was with me well into her 40+ year. We helped raise her 2 boys.... so very loved, and devoted every summer to the whole family. She and DH had words, so I do know "Why". He was way way wrong....has admitted that, and his apology was not enough. (I guess) We do text during emergencies like living in Moore, Ok and not much more. It breaks my heart. My heartbreak taps into my depression that is mild.... but when those sad, sad cycles come, I am really down for a bit. Mostly, I send good thoughts all the time and when I DO text her, I let her know I am here, I miss her and love her; and my expectation is that when her young DD graduates from HS and she has an empty nest, she will figure out how empty mine is without her. Her life has not been good for awhile. Oldest GDS phones frequently and we do not ask questions to put him 'in the middle'.... so we just ask if everyone is well. I know this will end well one day.
.

thanks for all the comments. I will do my best to deal with this. I have very little family left, no more aunts and uncles, just 3 cousins I am cordial/friendly with. I think the Serenity Prayer says it all. I cannot "fix" this. the problem is in her mind. I just need to go on and live my life without her. No more phone calls or letters.

Sorry, double post. A cat jumped on the keyboard just as I was hitting "submit".

This post was edited by jannie on Mon, Aug 19, 13 at 8:18

No advice, just good thoughts. Many here have good ideas, and what I have done is print the responses out, waited a few days, read them and put the problems in perspective. I also pray about them and that helps me. Be postive. I have a similar situation in DH's family and I have said in the past some things, with him gone now, I just let them know, talked briefly and going on. I am lucky enough to have people to talk to. Sorry this is long but you will survive. That is my motto. Day by day.

cherish those cousins! believe me they count!

It seems common that family members are estranged from each other. Maybe we just aren't meant to have certain relationships even though it may involve blood relatives. My friend's son refuses to respond to her efforts to connect. She is sad but knows she can do no more about it.

I think you are on the right track, Jannie. Even though this will always be a sad place in the corner of your heart, go on and live your life with existing family relationships and develop new friendships and activities as you wish.

PS If family members begin to repeat her unkind words, stop them before they complete the report.

It is deeply troubling when a family breaks relationships, especially if some whom others feel they hurt won't discuss it.

I think that, after the Mother's Day call, without any positive result, I might have made a few phone calls within the next short period, but when there was no positive response, called somewhat less frequently.

We are in charge of our own lives, and we can make what efforts we can to deal courteously and pleasantly with others, but we can't twist their arms and make them love us ... or even relate to us.

Each has his/her own life to live, and I guess that it's our job to relate to others in response to the way that they choose to relate to us, letting them know that we are willing to be friends, to deal with past wrongs, whether real or imagined.

Actually, I guess that I don't want others interfering in my life, so if they choose to not relate to me, I guess that indicates that more than an occasional contact with them is somewhat interfering in theirs.

Even though we find it hurtful.

While it hurts us to leave it lie ... that's more or less what we need to do, sometimes.

Which is especially hard with relatives, or folks with whom we were close, earlier.

(((((jannie)))))

It does get somehat difficult when one tries to push a piece of string.

ole joyful

As Usual OJ.... you have said it best of all (IMO). Thank you again for your wise assessment, from me. Nanny
(I copied and pasted to keep as a reminder)

Jannie
I feel for you. I haven't spoken to my one sister in years. in fact.....I wouldn't give her the time of day or a kidney for that matter.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

ditto samkaren!

ditto samkaren!

I always wished for siblings, but maybe I'm lucky to be an only child. But it's lonely, and when all the people of your parents' generation are gone, siblings and cousins are all you have . I only have an elderly 96 year old aunt left who probably wouldn't know me. But she and my mother had a falling out with their sister which went on for half their lifetimes. This aunt was like a second mother to me , and would visit all the time and go on vacations with us. Then abruptly the aunt went into seclusion and communicated with no one. There definitely were mental issues here . At the very end of my mother's and aunt's life there was a get together, and they at least made some sort of peace. I have six cousins but am not particularly close to any of them.

I'm with you SamKaren. I haven't communicated with my sister for over three years now.

She's the only girl out of five boys and dad spoiled her rotten. Everything had to be her way or no way.

Her first really straw topper came when she made a nasty remark about my "hitting the jackpot" when the woman who I called my second mom died and left me a small portion of her estate. The final straw was when she sent George an email and told (not asked) him not to mention "the gay stuff" in an email newsgram he sends.

No problem, won't bother you anymore. The "gay stuff" in question? I was president of a local gay group and his remark was about how successful our fund raiser was.

Over the years she's made a big deal of "accepting" us but in reality, hasn't even tried. She came to our 25th anniversary party only to get out of another event that she didn't want to attend. I found this out later when she blabbed that to someone else. We invited all our family members to come to the house the next morning for breakfast. We received a call that her and my nephew (who she drove up with) were back in VA as they had a bad room at the motel they chose and left that night after the party. Gee, thanks. Her speech at the 25th was so phony it wasn't even funny. I had people who didn't know her come up to me and ask me if she thought everyone believed what she was saying.

There's a song about toxic people and she fits it to a T.

She's caused me too much pain over the years and I don't miss her at all. I figure it's her loss not mine. Don't miss the snide and hurtful remarks at all.

My younger sister is a mess., and she blames it all on my other sister and I. Neither she or her grown children speak to me, because they think I am responsible for her laziness and poverty.
I took pity on her 10 years ago, and let her move in with me, but after that, I realized that she was just a lazy, dirty, messy, unethical, leech. When she voluntarily moved out*taking a few of my personal and fnancial things of value, I was relieved. That was when her grown children cut off all ties with me - because this wretch is now THEIR responsibility.

oh can I see how quickly things can get started..just sent an email to oldest dd1...she (the social worker) hasn't bothered to call or just text youngest dd2 who got divorced last week....and the youngest dd2 is very hurt..in fact, her twin bro hasn't had to decency to call either...and they are my "good Christian" kids...dd2 is a bit depressed today as she hasn't seen her kids in a couple of days (split 50/50) and is stuck in the "neutral territory" apt....(so the kids, for now, aren't going one place or another)

parenting is SUCH a joy...

I have four brothers and the youngest is (and always has been) a very difficult person. To put it mildly! The rest of the family has always wondered how one child of four can be so entirely different even though we were all raised within a few years of each other, by the same loving parents, in the same household, eating the same food, going to the same school, lol.

He, of course, blames all of us for his many misfortunes and has claimed that we were always the 'lucky' ones. Luck doesn't have anything to do with being hard working, successful, honest people.

He has managed to make things a little miserable for all of us, even though we don't bother to have anything to do with him anymore. He has broken our parents' hearts so many times.

We have it on both sides of our families. My sister married into a family of drop dead drunks. Sadly, she had 3 kids and their lives have been so messed up. She has never had much due to the money spent on all the booze but it has always been someone else's fault. I washed my hands of her 20 plus years ago. I have always lived an hour away from my family so this has made it real easy. The last time I saw her I couldn't believe how she looked. She looks like a dried up prune.

On my hubby's side his oldest brother has always had his nose in everyone else's business. I told my hubby many years ago if he did this to us I wouldn't stand for it. Well, he did. He did a real dirty to my hubby and then called me to sit me straight on a few facts. Well, the call didn't last long and he knew he had wasted his time. He tried to push the wrong family around this time. I have not and never will speak to him again. You see his kid can do the same thing as yours but it isn't wrong for them. They moved away last summer and I could not be happier. They funny thing is they moved to be closer to their daughter and her family. The other two kids live out of state. Well, they no more then moved and their son-in-law got a new job and they are moving. I believe what goes around comes around and his has come around!!!

My ex-sister betrayed our Mother. My 2 brothers, mother, & myself realized after the fact just how much "walking on eggshells" we had done with x-sis. To be clear, SHE opted out of a relationship with the family, we did not shun her. But I am perfectly fine with not having seen nor heard from her in over 8 years. She will never have an opportunity to repair nor apologize to mother (died last fall). I wouldn't want to be her.

Being an 'only' sounds better and better! LOL

My DH was raised an 'only' and has cut what weak ties he had with cousins who kept his adoption a secret from him.

My mother was an 'only' with no cousins. My father's family of seven kids was messed up by parents who kept them in competition with one another for parental approval. I have weak connections to three cousins.

Our DS was our 'only'. DIL has a huge extended family, and I have had to learn to keep an eye out for who is on the out's with whom in that clan!

Seems that everything in life has it's pluses and minuses.

Thanks for all the responses. I don't understand why my sister has refused to talk to me. Our brother committed suicide last December, he was very depressed. I think my sister has the same thing. I've left the door open in case she ever decides to "forgive" me. .

This is an interesting thread. I have learned in my 65+ years of living that there are three sides to every situation.........yours, mine and the right side. Here's hoping the right side can be found.

Whistle

Over four years ago, my oldest son told me something he was worried about medically in confidence. Well, at the time, my bf was having medical problems, my dad was having major medical problems, I was just a bit overwhelmed, and I unloaded with my sister about all going on. I DID tell her that DS had told me in confidence, but a couple months later, she let it slip and asked him about it. My son hasn't talked to me since. I have apologized, tried to tell him what happened, and apologized over and over. He won't hear it. Occasionally I will send him an instant message on Facebook, just to tell him I'm thinking about him, and that I love him. He still has a relationship with my sister and BIL, so I do get to hear how he's doing, and last report was, he MAY be willing to talk to me. I guess I'll have to make the first move. I'm the mom.

I'm sorry this has happened, Jannie. I have an older sister....we were never close even though I had also reached out to her numerous times. She is dead now. Maybe my take on this is different, but if you have tried so hard to reach her and she is indifferent, I would absolutely stop. I believe she may be enjoying the hurt she is putting you through. Actually, I would have stopped a long time ago. I guess I am missing the "family" gene....but if someone doesn't want anything to do with me, and I have given it a legitimate try....I would cut them loose. You can't choose your family....you can choose your friends and I would concentrate on building a bond with my friends, or anyone who I felt close to that reciprocated. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of ignoring me.

Your sister is shunning you and she knows it bothers you. She sounds like a jealous person and maybe has a personality problem. You have opened the door to communications on your end; The ball is in her court. Do not let her jerk you around - let it be. When she finds that you are no longer bothered by her actions, a new tactic may develop.

If anyone wants an instant family they can have mine, sorry no returns.

Jannie....so sorry you have to deal with th
is. I, too, am one of 3 sisters. I am the youngest, and the black sheep of the family....( sorry if that is politically incorrect term, I cannot keep up any more). Anyway, my two sisters live about 500 miles from reach other. I am about 500 to 600 miles from them. They call, and VIsit, each other...but I never ever hear from either of them unless I am the one to make the call or the drive. We have invited them aand all their now grown children to visit us,,,,,, but it is always "too far" or "too much trouble". When we have gone there we are never made to feel welcome.

All this rambling to say......IT IS NOT YOU",,,,, I agree with the other posters and especially jemdandy.....stop letting her jerk you around. You cannot make someone love and care about you. I am 63 years old and finally getting that through my thick head. Life is short and precious.....spend the rest of yours with the people that make you smile. And just remember....It is her loss!

what Marilyn & Jemdandy & JennaVa said.

The good Lord knows I'm no angel but I can't help myself but to respond to a few postings. I agree that there are three sides to all stories, yours, mine, and the truth.

Jannie, you clearly point out that your sister is the black sheep of the family and you are the good sister. You write that you are gentle, shy, quiet. You like controlling people. Your so angry you can't get your way that you call your sister mentally ill. There must be something wrong with her, the black sheep, that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, the wonderful, shy, quiet, good sister that you are.

Snidely, you make it a point to say that 3/4 of the family were glad this person left. This person must have done something so terrible that a majority of the family was glad to see them step out. But after reading these comments you made, I don't think you and some others really wanted to sit down with this person to talk things out. You wrote "The person was bent upon sharing their mistaken misery and these several of us refused to respond." "People who are unwilling to talk through problems and who act so ignorantly don't deserve your time or attention." Sounds more like you and some others rallied to get the person to leave.

We all contribute to how a relationship gets along. Everyone tends to take credit for the good that they did. Many aren't willing to admit the part they took to help the relationship fall apart.

I know I'm not without fault in my own relationship problems. I accept this and will continue to strive to make things better. May you all find solution and peace with your individual estrangement situations.

My baby brother did not speak to me for 25 years~~his reason was crazy and all about his ego. I tried for 5-7 of those years to reconnect, finally decided it was his problem, not mine. In 2004 he reached out, I was very open to reconnecting BUT the negative was he was a crazy ass drunk by then, moved in with my mom (wife divorced him, kids would not talk to him). This all ruined my relationship with my mom. He lived and died a drunk at her house, I wish I had never seen him again~~~it brought up every bad memory of my childhood living with my dad a violent drunk! Sometimes best to just walk away~~~let her come to you. Sounds harsh but, you can not beat yourself up for something you do not understand or can change. I spent 2-3 years in therapy trying to work it out in my head and finally just let it all go.

I have a question. How do people comment to posts from long ago? Like Yogalady, I have responded to old posts without noticing the date. I wonder how and why Fedup would restart this conversation. I really am curious, and I found the post interesting. Just wondering.

FedUp .......

First registered on February 11, 2014

Perhaps she/he is going through this now and was trying to find some empathy....

DANG!!! Speeperblues, I did not notice the date~~~I would have not responded;( And I never noticed what FedUp14 had written~~~FedUp14 is just going through old post and responding to ones they have a feeling about ;)

PEACE~

There are discussion forums that actually want their followers to bring up old threads rather than start new ones. Maybe they are just used to doing that...IMHO, I do not see the point and after a while, the old threads just lose their appeal. But I swear, at this forum where he posts, it's nothing for a member to drag up some OOOOOLD thread from 10 years ago...I kid you not! Now my husband makes it a point to check the first thread date and does not bother posting in some really old thread. I just do not see why it would not be better just to begin a brand new thread for discussion. They probably come up when they google search.

To answer you arkansas, I see it as, someone searched, found this thread and wanted to answer. Or sometimes, people want to be updated. I see that all the time! "I _________ it when someone asks for advice and then never follows up". Maybe that is a reason. It's not so awful if one pops up. Sometimes, I see someone post to bump up something they don't want to "fall off" the forum. And I am glad they did. I think this time, it's the first option I offer up.

I just find it interesting that a newly registered person (I had also checked, Phyllis) would comment in a somewhat aggressive manner on a post from last year. Stir the pot and then seemingly disappear. I guess google would be a way to find an old post, I hadn't thought of that. Yogalady, I knew you hadn't checked the date, as I have done the same thing.

post deleted.

This post was edited by debby_ab on Sun, Mar 23, 14 at 22:58

There's a saying..."You can pick your friends, but not your relatives".

I have a sister whom i would NEVER pick as a friend.
She has no sense of responsibility, or ethics.
The world owes her,
Enough said.

It shouldn't make any difference whether one is a new member, a re-registered member, or joined on day one to claim ultimate seniority. A member is entitled to post to any thread they want, regardless of how they came upon it, it's age, or content without having to explain to all why they are doing so. A thread is considered open if you can post to it, even if it's a decade old. People discuss, give opinions, lecture, argue about written items that surfaced years, decades, centuries ago. Maybe they shouldn't do that either. Stupefied by these reactions to a post.

Welcome to the forums!
We are usually a friendly bunch.
Kathy G in MI

Because to spend the energy to critique a 7 month
old post is lame.