Encourage her to call Social Services. Her mother may end up hurting Jane, or worse. An attack could come at any time, even while Jane is sleeping. (This happened to a friend of mine.) And if Jane isn't around to care for her mother, then what will happen to the Mom? Jane needs to make sure her mother is cared for by professionals trained and equipped to deal with Alzheimer patients. The mother is not only a danger to Jane but also to herself.

Rosemary, I'm sorry your friend is going through this and that you've become involved, even if only emotionally involved.

Jane needs to stop considering the past and only consider what's going on NOW. Yes, her mom has had a tough life, husband was a brute, not enough money, etc, but including that in the equation now won't help anything. The past must be disregarded so that Jane can make NON-EMOTIONAL decisions about her mother's care right now.

Jane should check the white pages for the United Way First Call for Help. She can also call 411 and ask for the number in her area. If Jane lives in a larger city, she may be able to simply dial 211 to reach them directly. The United Way has many names and numbers for services and resources that may be able to help her with this situation in every way -- emotionally, financially, and treatment-wise.

Jane is unable to control her mother on her own and its not as though her mother is capable of learning from her own behavior (like a difficult teenager might) so the situation will ONLY ever get worse, not better, as time goes by. Please encourage her to get help. Good luck to you both.

I think you should post this on the "Caretakers" forum. Lots of good advice there. Jane is definitely handling this wrong and needs help before she ends up dead.

With all due respect, as a nurse, it is my opinion that it's time for a long term care facility for her mother. As well intentioned as Jane may be, her mom is not getting the care she needs. (medical care, bathing, etc) The staff in the ltc would know how to deal with these things. Your friend needs to realize that the kindest thing she can do for her mother is to get her the care she needs. Just like mother's sometimes have to do things for their children that their children don't want, so do adult children sometimes have to do things for their parents that they don't want.

mom24 said it all.

Sometimes, like this, a child has to realize that professional care is the best care. You friend has to realize that her mother needs a different type of care, and that it's time to get it for her - for everyone's safety and well being.

Yes I agree with Mom24. It is really a hard thing to do but really is necessary. Her mother needs to be examined by a doctor and taken to a hospital for tests. It is likely that there may be something like a brain tumour causing this. We saw this happen with my MIL....the decline in her ability to take care of herself. My MIL felt the same way about going to a doctor, in fact she was extremely well known for cancelling all of her appointments. Long story there.

Everyone posting above is right, Rosemary. Please insist that your friend get professional help. She feels she must "do her duty" to her mother, but her mother is not herself now. Mom deserves professional care, and Jane deserves a life without the horrible difficulties and danger connected with caring for her mother.

Having lived through this, I can tell her that that is no longer her Mom. Mom is gone. This is her body, but this is not Mom. With Alz's you lose them twice, and she's already lost her once. Mom won't get better but the daughter still has time for a much more fullfilling life than the one she's living now. She must get some help. Mom can do all kinds of damage--not only to herself, or the daughter, but my friends' mother almost burned their house down and that's when she put her in a home. It would be different if there was some hope for improvement, but there's not.

I don't have time to read all the other responses but let me just say that finding a nursing center for my MIL was the very best thing we ever did for her.........We started taking her there on weekends so we could have a break and get out of town.....We thought she would go ballistic but she accepted it quite well. She liked having all the activity around her and it was so strange because at home, she didn't want to bathe as you mention, she didn't eat right, she wouldn't get dressed and all she did was sit in front of the tv.

Her life and our life was ten times better when she moved into the center. Everyone has such a horrible vision of what a nursing center is and for the most part...the imagined concept is so wrong.

Here's a link to the Caregivers Forum.

Please pass on to your friend everything that's being said here. The responses here are absolutely correct.

Social Services agencies are not the enemy, you need to get that concept thru to her ASAP.

Good luck, and thank you for helping your friend.

Here is a link that might be useful: caregivers forum

I'm so sorry--we've had Alzheimers, as well as other elder issues we've had to deal with in our family.

It's a very, very difficult time of life. Your friend cannot do this alone. I agree with those who have already said that it's time for her to consider what the situation IS not what she wishes it would be.

Her mother needs round the clock care and supervision--for her own sake and safety, at this point. A woman my husband knew vowed to keep her husband home and take care of him until the end--then one night she woke up, beging pummelled with something he picked up, because he thought she was a 'stranger'. It's sad, but it usually is BEST for them to be in a good care facility, being cared for by professionals who know how to deal most effectively with the disease. And a TEAM of them so that no one person has to do all the care 24/7.

As to practical advice? Your friend DOES have to establish that this truly is Alzheimers--there are other causes of dementia. If it is Alz, there are some good medicines out there that will help. Perhaps, a good first step for your friend might be for HER (your friend) to sit down with a dr. experienced with Alz, and/or someone from the Alzheimer's Association. She can educate herself and get good advice on how to handle the challenges she's facing. Another suggestion? She might want to see if she can find a dr. who makes housecalls to see the elderly--they're becoming more common in my area. And she could call the local visiting nurse association--they'll send a nurse out to the house to do an assessment, and to determine what help the patient might need (help bathing, for example) that can be provided in home by home health aids. Often those services are covered by insurance or medicaid if there's a medical reason for them.

There are a lot of ways your friend can get help--she just has to start talking to people and asking questions. But I think she does have to consider that this is too big to be a one person job--either she's going to need to hire people to be there when she can't, or when she's sleeping, or she's going to have to look into residential care--probably sooner rather than later--for her mom. Oh, and if it is Alz., often they develop Sundowner's Syndrome--getting their days and nights mixed up, which is a real challenge for a caregiver trying to keep their loved one safe night and day. Good luck to her.

There is nothing more I can add except you've been given wonderful advice that you can pass on to your friend. I feel so bad for her because it's a terrible situation to be in. As others have said she need professional care. Even though Jane can protect herself what if her Mother strikes out at someone else- a child, another elderly person. I hope she is able to take this advice and help both herself and her Mother.

Besides needing to get her mother proper care, your friend is feeling guilty and she needs to deal with that guilt. She's trying to pay back for the hard life her mother had but she's only inflicting pain upon herself and her mother doesn't know it anyway.

Her mother is a danger to herself and to others. I had an aunt with dementia but she was a "happy" one, not a violent one. However she'd let anyone into her house, she would not allow direct deposit of her checks (as do so many seniors) and got to where she didn't trust the safe deposit box so she kept her savings bonds on her kitchen table where everyone would see them when they'd come in. We finally got her into a facility where she enjoyed herself for the rest of her life and received the care she needed and deserved.

Sounds to me like your friend needs some care too. Best wishes to them both, and to you too.

When I was a teenager, our neighbor suffering from dementia hurt his wife while she was sleeping. It was very very sad, and something no one understood at the time.

Please ask your friend to take the advice above. She needs to keep herself safe.

Good luck to you.

I don't have any advice Rosemary, but just wanted to stop in and give you a (((hug)))
I hope your friend makes the right decision. Lots of good advice here.

Trin

She can and may kill you , that is the reality of it. My sis's neighbor who was a kind and gentle man got AZ and later diagnosed with a terminal illness. He tried to kill his wife, had her down on the floor choking her yelling "if I have to die, I'm taking you with me." She felt herself starting to pass out when she finally got away. She called 911 and they took him away and she never saw him again. If he had used a knife or gun she would be dead.

We are POA's for my hubby's Aunt who has Alzheimers..no children of her own. She has been living on her own for the last few years but with a lot of daily help...meals brought in, someone to come and bathe her etc. She refused to bathe also.
This past spring we had to make the difficult decision to place her in a nursing home. As unhappy as we were when we made the decision, we were equally very happy after we saw how well she's been doing.
They are the professionals and know how to take care of and deal with A patients. Please tell your friend that placing her mom is something she is doing for her mom to get the proper help and to lead whatever life she has left, in a dignified manner.
Of course I don't know your friend, but perhaps she is afraid of how to live her own life if she doesn't have her mom to look after :))

Thanks for the many thoughtful responses. I've talked with my friend twice today and she poo-poos the idea that her mother could do worse. However, as I explained to her, one of the problems with Alzheimer's and dementia is that the afflicted lose the social filters that provide a buffer and a barrier to bad behavior (such as hitting and screaming and knife-wielding).

I'm going to cut and paste these responses (above) and send them to her. In my opinion, her mother has crossed a line with this latest behavior.

The stories above of people (caregivers) being accosted in their sleep is incredible. I'd never even thought of that until I read these posts.

Anyway - thanks for the responses. It means a lot to me, and I know reading this will help Jane, as it has helped me.

Rosemary

Jane Mom sounds like my Mom to the letter Rosemary...tell her to get Mom the help she needs,simple as that.
Alzheimers is a 36 hr/day job...Jane will crack eventually..Mom could possibly go on like this for the next 10-15 yrs.

I was fortunate in that my Mom did not show signs of violent behavior. The wandering was bad enough while she was still able to walk.

I think your friend needs to rethink taking care of her Mom. If she finds it hard now, it is only going to get worse. Much worse! As you know I was the sole caregiver to my sweet Mom for over 10 years and I would never ever put myself in that role again and my Mom was a dear gentle patient. Your friend's life will change forever if she takes this challenge on. You become an appendage of the person you are caring for because as the dementia progresses you have to do everything for that person.

My Aunt was the violent type, my sweet gentle religious Aunt turned into a rabid animal locked in a cage. Swearing, hurting my Uncle, telling lies that almost put my Uncle in jail. My Aunt paced, back and forth. She wouldn't sit to eat, sleep. She walked and walked and ranted. She would get out of the house and walk into a neighbours house and act like it was her home and not theirs. Even after my Uncle put her in a nursing home she never found peace until she died. That is what Alzheimer's did to her.

As someone above said, get the Alzheimer Society involved. They will send out a case worker but first your friend's Mom needs to be assessed by a Doctor. There could be something else that is causing her violent dementia.

If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't hesitate to put my Mom into care and as I said I had it easy until my Mom got cancer and I had to give her insulin shots but taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's will suck the life blood out of you. 8 years since my Mom passed away and I am still trying to find out who I am and to put my care taking in the past and not let it define me anymore.

I must say though after the first couple of years of taking care of my Mom I became a better person and had to let go of the anger I was feeling at having to give up my life as I knew it, my savings, dating life, getting married, having kids because I chose to do this. I learned to be happy because I knew if I wasn't happy I would be in H'll on Earth. Alzheimer's in a terrible disease, much more terrible for the person that is doing the care giving than the one who suffers from it.

I hope your friend gets some help for herself and her Mom sooner than later.

Anne

I dealt with the same exact thing...my mother didn't swing at me, but she cursed me constantly, and I didn't hear a kind word from her for many years. She wouldn't bathe, wouldn't eat for me...had to have my daughter or husband ask her to eat, and then she would. Wouldn't clean her house or let anyone else do it. Got so she would wander off at night...seeing the clock, thinking 2 o'clock in the morning was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Like Ruthie said, putting her in a nursing home was my only option, even though I had promised her I would never do that. I couldn't handle her at home and my daughter was about 8 at the time, and I needed to devote my time to her...plus, it wasn't good for her to see my mother's outbursts. She only took her anger out on me...so it is good that she never did that with my daughter.

Pure and simple...she needs to be in a home. There is only so much a person can do, and your friend can be a good daughter by keeping an eye on things there.