Karen, if your family is anything like mine, until you lost your Dad, you hadn't seen a lot of loss or grief for someone. It's hard to watch it (and experience it!) I think I'd probably just call my Mom, if I were you, and ask her to your house to eat, to go out, to watch activities that the kids are involved in, etc. Let her know that it's okay to not be in the mood to do anything. Also let her know that you really WANT her to be involved in whatever your family is doing. My Mom has spent the night at my house two nights since my Dad passed away. Get this, I had to break my ankle and have surgery in order to get her to do that! LOL I kid her that having surgery is the only way she'll stay at my house overnight! LOL We live 80 miles apart and I call her everyday - usually twice a day. We've talked more by phone in the last four years than we'd ever talked in our lives. My DH and I and our kids and grandkids make it a point to at least spend part of every holiday at her house. She likes to stay home, so we go to her. I DO feel sometimes at her house, when everyone is there but Daddy, that there's the proverbial "big gray elephant" in the house that no one mentions. You know what I mean? Everybody is highly aware of the fact that he's no longer with us, but nobody wants to talk about it for fear of upsetting somebody else! Now, when it's just my Mom and me together, we cry (and laugh!) when we feel the need to. That's something else that I haven't thought to mention. Let her cry when she feels the need to cry. I guess you don't have to say a word, just be there for her. She and I both have talked about the fact that Fathers are the HEAD of most families. Then, as women, we both agree that the Mothers are the HEART of the family. Maybe you can reassure her in that way that she IS a vital, needed part. ((Karen))

Oh, I didn't mean to imply you've accepted the loss. I'm impressed you've acknowledged it rather than running harder into that brick wall, as I did for so many years. My h went to his grave being dutiful to a family that used and disdained him; they were in such high spirits at his funeral, the minister asked me about it. Sounds like you got stuck in the must-be-useful-and-cost-nothing slot. It rots, and there's no way out of that place in their framework. In trying to reel me back in once I began setting limits, my so-called family reminisced about how useful and generous I'd once been, how they missed that. My mother even wrote a letter about a "languages of love" book and said my language was giving presents. Her "subtle" way of whimpering for more stuff. They alternate this with accusations that I've abandoned them, am doing nothing for the family. If they were truly interested in me as a person, they'd ASK what my "love language" is, perhaps do something kind for me. An absurd thought! Your sil delivered exactly what the others wanted to hear. Analytical thinking (ha! you sound like me, expecting reason to play a role in normal behavior) is the very last thing they'd want. It would mean, oh, being fair to you, saying thank you for your care of your sister. No, they'd rather believe you sold bundles of old newspapers from your sister's house, kept deposit money from returned bottles, and generally cheated them of their share of loot. Generally, these patterns began with the parents. I'm not sure what went wrong with mine, but sibs followed their rules about me. It's been horrible this year to discover that a sister I'd long imagined neutral is at least as hostile to me as the others are. Looking back, I kick myself for not seeng the signs. Oh, well. These are not people I need to see again; their longterm behavior exempts me from further duty. I've decided not to return even for funerals. What was your early family dynamic, before the brothers married? There are threads in the parenting section about estrangement. A recent one has some tips on dealing with it. Frankly, I've not done well since Ps dad's death at filling my life with wonderful relationships. I've made the mistake of begging the bio-fam to leave me alone (rather than returning letters to them unopened), and their antics have been soul-crushing. All they want is the feeling they're caring people; true caring would involve respecting my wishes. I'm not religious any more but go to a unitarian church to give P some grandparent-like figures. Got a dog (retired show dog so was already trained) which I recommend, as it forces me to get out and brings me into light pleasant contact with lots of people, some of whom demonstrate more genuine giving-a-hoot than I ever experienced from the bio-donors and siblings. If you lived nearby, I'd have you over and cook something you like; you could sit in my comfortable chair and lecture me for letting P crawl into the crate with the dog. (He "reads" to him since seeing this at the library's story hour.) What I darkly call Franken-Family moments can be precious relief. PsMum

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process, and unfortunately your husband has chosen you to be angry at. It's just not fair to you and especially not fair to your sons. I'm glad you have talked about it, but he needs to go to a grief counselor. Call your church, mortuary, or hospital to get referrals. I hope you can get him some help, and I'm sorry you are having such trouble. Best wishes. Susan

Thanks to all; I read his reply today, & it's a relief to know that he's feeling your concern & (dare I say) love. You're the best!