Her stealing may be just a small problem compared to what she might be doing with the proceeds from selling the coins.

Have you maybe checked pawn shops or places like that where she might have sold them?

I agree...don't be afraid to tell your sister or anyone you are close to about your suspicions. They likely will not pass judgment on her, but will feel badly if she did indeed steal from you or anyone else.

What kind of young people are your daughter's friends like? Do you know them and like them, or do they seem like not so good company for her? Do you feel like her friends could be trusted?

I wish you well.

Sue

Satine, I'm so sorry for your trouble. It's good to reach out here, and I'm glad you posted. There are many kind, wonderful people on the KT with a wide range of experiences. I agree with the advice posted above.

You must face this head-on, and don't hesitate to share with your sister. It's difficult to share negative things about our children, I know, but you need to seek a person of emotional support. These issues are terrible to face alone.

Take care.

Susan

I would suggest Tough Love. You will find them in the phone book.

My family went thru something similar when my adult sister stole from my aged mother a few years ago. It was a pretty horrible situation and my sister has nothing to do with any of the family now. My mother is 95 and she still has not gotten over how she was treated by my sister..... she will take the pain with her to her grave.

I think you must discuss this with your daughter & confront her with your suspicions. No mother suspects their child of being a thief without good reason. I think you should also discuss it with your other children as well as your sister, not only for their support but also because they need to know that she is a thief (assuming your suspicions are accurate) for their own safety & security.

One of the most common reasons for people to steal is due to drug abuse. Do you suspect this may be a factor for your dtr? If so, you need the whole family's support for an intervention & try to address that problem also.

My heart goes out to you. Know that you are not alone, did nothing wrong, & do not deserve this. But it will only escalate if you bury your head & just "wish" it away.

Does she have any idea that you suspect her? If she does not I would tell her that the coins are missing and the reason for the value you place on them and how hurt you are that you no longer have this memento to remember your DH. I would then ask her if there is any reason why you should not report them stolen in the hopes of getting them back. Make it clear that anyone who would do such a thing deserves to be arrested for theft. How she reacts to this will give you the answers you're looking for. You will know instead of suspect and it could well be that the problem is bigger than you think.

Are these things she is taking mostly from your bedroom? I just read a story in the Milwaukee paper about a woman who thought her good friend was stealing money from her and after things were missing several times she bought a video camera from e-bay that caught her doing it. It wasn't just a few dollars, it was $50 one time, a little more another time and $800 from some sports team the woman was treaurer of or some thing like that.

I am sorry you have to go through this, but from a person who had a relative in her life steal from her years back...Please, please nip it in the bud, ASAP. The person only gets worse and in a way you are enabling her to get by with it. Also, I still have bad feelings crop up in my mind about what I had to go through with this relative. I have forgiven them, but every once in awhile the hurts come back to haunt me. Please do whatever you can to help your daughter and don't feel bad about it. Maybe you can save the relationship after she gets the help she needs. I would do things differently now than I did years ago, but hindsight is better than foresight.

Darleen

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must break your heart. The stealing is bad enough, but I'm afraid the posters above are probably right. My probation officer friend says that in almost every case, the people convicted of theft don't have a "stealing" problem, they have a drug problem.

This really is a good place for you to post this. You need a lot of support and I think you'll get it here.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this alone. I'm sure it's breaking your heart. The posters have already given you some great advice and I have nothing to add except my sympathy and I'm glad that you decided to post here. Trinity said it- we are all family here. Have courage.

I think if you open up to family and friends you will find you are not alone in this situation. I have had problems with both of my sons and by discussing it I feel better because I find others have the same problem. And you are not responsible for their behavior. Children are born who they are, all you can do is raise them in a good environment and hope for the best. I am estranged from my younger son and my older son is homeless. When I moved I didn't let either one know where I moved to and didn't give them my phone number. Most of the time I don't know where my oldest is and am afraid of my youngest. His wife has far to much influence on him and would get power of attorney over me when I "get" old (LOL) and weak. She would abuse me until the money was gone, then throw me in the nearest care home.

Don't lose hope. I know of a young girl who stole from her parents until they kicked her out. Later she grew up apologized and is a responsible adult. My own grand daughter had the smartest mouth you can imagine, yelling at her parents so loud the neighbors could hear. She also kept her newborn in her bedroom with 4 cats and a litter box. She signed up for Wick and did a complete turn around.

DH and I are also victims of an adult child stealing from us, and as the others have mentioned, it was drugs. We also were hurt, unwilling to discuss it with friends and family but in the end, we could no longer keep it just between us. Thankfully, the drugs are no longer a problem but the hurt continues, and so do suspicions. It'll take a long time to rebuild trust.

As hard as it is, and you probably won't do it, you should call the police. They will be the ones that will question who could possibly have had access to the coins. It will also be them that questions your daughter. And if she is the guilty party, then she -needs- to have fear of stealing again.

I'm really sorry, satine. Perhaps later I'll post again because I'm getting a bit emotional right now. So sorry.

Sweetie,
I'm with Linda...you MUST enforce "tough love" asap. This will be the reality check for both of you. I have been where you are-I'm not pointing fingers but usually-kids that steal from their parent(s)..are desperate for the $$ to buy drugs. They know not what they do at the time. Years from now she will thank you for helping her. Call the hotline for help..now. Help her..help you & God bless you both!

First off, protect yourself: Lock up your valuables or put your collectibles in a safety deposit box. A safety deposit box can be inconvenient, so a small safe with a two hour fire rating might do.

One problem with a small portable safe is that everyone who sees it will assume it contains your valuables and might be temped to make off with entire safe. (Wouldn't it be fun if they found it empty when they finally got it open?)

Do you have other lockable places where you could store stuff to keep it from caually walking off? Maybe a trunk or storage closet.

Next, lets confront the problem of the original theft. It may not have been your daughter; it could have been one her aquaintences. Has she had unsupervised visitors in your house? It could have been one of them. That happened in my house one time when my daughter was in highschool. I had stepped out for an errand and 4 boys invitied themselves in. Two rushed upstairs and stole a $20 bill from my daughter's room. I met them leaving as I returned and then heard about the problem. A quick call to the police and the culprit was nabbed 10 minutes later while he was buying a round of candy bars for the group.

You mentioned that gold coins disappeared. Those may have been expensive. I'm wondering, is someone supporting a drug habit? - its always a suspicion of mine when things disappear that can be readily turned into cash.

Is there maybe a clergy person or a friend who lives elsewhere you can confide in? I had a problem a while ago and I did not feel comfortable discussing it with anyone really close to me.. because, like you, the problem was about a person close to me that everyone knew. I had a friend I could talk to that wasn't attached to any other people in my life so I was able to confide in her. Maybe there's someone on these boards you are close to and could call to discuss? Or maybe you have a friend from a group or somewhere else that really isn't attached to your everyday life but who you would trust talking to. Good luck.

I like pris' suggestion that you tell her of your worry that the coins are missing, how important they are to you, and, being valuable, you think that you should call the police ... is there any reason that you should not call the police?

I agree that the problem may well be much more serious, related to drugs.

Is there a religious advisor that you can speak with about the issue? Such issues are fairly common and quite likely some useful ideas may be offered. Not only that, it's a face-to-face situatioon, which fills a different need than the cyber ones that are offered here ... and the folks here have offered good support along with some useful suggestions, I feel.

We send good thoughts and prayers for you at this troublesome time.

((((((Satine))))))

ole joyful

First of all thank you for your responses. I was really a little worried that I might be "blasted" because that sometimes happens but I needed to take the chance. You are all such caring people. Here is the story so far: Daughter has admitted that she showed the coins to a friend of hers (he is bad bad news) along with silver coins of hers that her Dad had bought her over the years. He saw where the gold coins were kept and even though she keeps saying she doesn't think he would do such a thing I know he came back and took them. She swears no involvement and after pointing out to her that once the police are involved I can't stop or change the flow of what happens. I have not called yet because I want to make sure she understands. She is encouraging me to call the police and says she feels responsible because of allowing him to know where valuables were kept in the house. As to the value of the coins-using the recepits the best I can figure is they might be worth around 10,000 dollars. AS a single working mother I can't believe Im saying this but the money is just not important at this point. I want those coins back but Im sure they are long gone. Wish me luck as I continue by having the police come to my house tonight after work. Im afraid I might be finding out more than I bargained for. Sorry this is so long. Satine

It sounds like she might not have done it. And the police should get to the truth when they come. I had a cousin who stold some silver dollars my grandpa & gramma had given me when I was about 12 or 13. She was a troubled girl. 2 sons, never married, didn't work, lived on welfare all her life. She died at 58 years. Both sons in a lot of trouble. (I think some improper things went on which affected their lives) The oldest has turned his life around, is married and has twin baby boys. The younger one is still a loser. Kept the money from his mothers funeral, instead of paying the funeral home, for drugs. So her sister paid the bill.
Sorry to run on. But it's best to nip it in the bud no matter how painful it might be.
My youngest DD once lifted my sisters watch from her house. Then was dumb enough to wear it over there later on, and sister saw it and said "That's my watch. How'd you get it? I wondered where it went." Imagine how low I felt. I hadn't raised her like that. But it was a bad choice she made as a teen, right about the time her dad and I divorced. Glad to say, now she's changed, and my sister forgave her.
Good luck tonight, and keep us posted. Oh yah, tell her to pick better friends.
Leslie

that's a huge amount of money to lose. (a year's tuition for college) i pray that dd didn't have any other involvement other than being dumb enough to show off the coins. sure hope she accepts the new ground rules that NO ONE is allowed in the house while you're gone...in fact, i'd think twice about house key privileges...

do you have have any other male relatives that she can "bond" with? it's so important...

Hi again. Susanjf, I wish there was a male in my life but there isn't. My brother would have been a life saver for me but he died at the age of 63 three years ago. My dad is gone, my husband is gone and there is no one left. My older daughters are married but one son in law would make her leave the house and have nothing further to do with her. I don't think that is the answer. The other sil is new to our family-they have been married only 10 months and are expecting their first baby in November. His job is in jeapordy of downsizing right now and I can't add to their stress even though they are trying to be supportive. My oldest daughter is being extremely supportive and helpful and Im glad I reached out to her. I can't do this alone. Thank you so much for all your support-it means the world to me right now. Satine

Call the police and make a theft report. This isn't something to hide out of family shame. You've been robbed!

You may never know if your daughter is involved in the theft, but...why on earth would she show gold coins to some guy? How old is your daughter?

One of the best things that happened to our DS was being arrested at age 16. He was in a car with a new friend. It was Halloween. Another boy had a BB gun and fired at stop signs. DS did it too.

We had to hire a lawyer. His first words to DS were the wake-up call he needed. He heard DS say this rampage wasn't his idea, etc., etc. Then the attorney said, "What are you doing hanging around with a@@holes? Are you stupid?"

It sounds to me as though your daughter is making the same bad choices. If she doesn't want to have a criminal record, she better be 'first on the bus' and come clean TO THE POLICE about what happened. You do her no favors by hiding this. You probably won't get the coins back. You may have to hire an attorney for your daughter. You should get your girl back though.

I take it there are no brother in laws to share with? How about a school counselor (?), pastor, priest. You didn't say how old she is.
Leslie

I am so glad you will be contacting the police. Another thing good with that is they send a sheet of stolen items to all pawn shops every week, and by law, if they can be verified, they have to turn them in.
In the case of our stolen lawnmower one year, I found the pawn shop it was at myself, as the boy who took it finally confessed to me.
Since it is not something that has a vin # on it or a serial number, they only way we could verify it was that DH always used a bungee cord contraption on the handle to keep it down. I did have to go to court to get it back, but the Pawn shop owner never showed. They rarely do as it is a losing battle.
I left court and went and picked it up with the court order.
They even loaded it up for me.
I know you are not talking about a lawn mower here, but even something extremely valuable. for me it was the principle, and sounds like for you too. But that is a lot of money, and I would demand to know where the coins are.
They are not long gone, they are somewhere, and you can get them back!!!
How did this kid get into your house without you daughter seeing him?

Trin

Thank you Trin, Chisue and Leslie. To answer a few questions: My daughter is 20 years old, a full time student at our community college and works around 25 hours a week. She is a bleeding heart always the one to befriend the left out kid. I remember her first grade teacher saying that there was no one she (DD) wouldn't talk to and she always took the left out kid under her wing. Of course none of this has anything to do with what is going on now-just a little back ground. This friend of hers is bad-has been on probation until recently for drug issues, just found out there are thefts in his back ground etc. She became his taxi-driving him to his classes, probation officer, etc etc because although he was at home with his parents they were not stepping up (according to daughter) to help him. I knew he had been at our home because she had told me in the past. According to her she showed him the coins then put them back where they were kept. He of course was in the room when she did that. Just typing that makes me see how unbelievely stupid this sounds. Please say a prayer for me. PS his father and stepfather are both lawyers! Satine

Since you think the friend of hers stole something he might come back for more. Put all the stuff you don't want to go missing (including prescription meds) in your room and get keyed door knob for your door. (for front door use) You can purchase it at any home or hardware store.

I actually just replaced all the outdoor keyed door knobs myself yesterday its not too difficult. They come with really good instructions. You need very few tools to do it, phillips head screw driver, drill w/phillips bit. If I can do it anyone can. My husband and I did a deadbolt also, that was a bit more difficult.

I agree with the locks, but a smart (or not so smart) kid can open the knob locks with a flip of a screw driver or credit card. With ease. Ask me how I know this? Please I beg you not to get dupped and robbed like I did.
A dead bolt is the only good lock for safe keeping. Better yet, get all small valuables out of the house. You cannot hide them from a thief.
Your daughter needs to stop enabling this kid. No more!!
He is going to need a good lawyer, but I would be hard pressed to think that they (the fathers) are not putting up with his crap anymore (or stepping up).

Trin

OK, I was thinking your daughter was a minor. I'm going to change my advice. Instead of contacting the police first, contact an attorney first -- to walk you through the likely next steps and protect your daughter (and you).

You will probably still have to file a burglary report, getting the police involved.

Do you have insurance? Homeowner's would cover some portion of the loss, but only if the coins were *listed* in a personal articles policy would they be covered. (This is just an aside; the main issue here is your daughter and her indiscriminate friendships.) You will have to have a police report to file for insurance reimbursement.

This is her boyfriend, not just a friend, right?

I wouldn't count out that they could even be in it together. Or, he may have taken the coins when he was over a different time and she was in the bathroom or shower.

The fact that your first thought it was her convinces me that you shouldn't rule her out. And considering her age, I'd talk to an attorney first. It may be best for her to get caught if involved; but it may not be for her in her specific situation. I know from your other posts that both you and she have had problems since your husband's death. Not sure what is going on or how bad it is.

I seriously wouldn't even rule out that you have misplaced them yourself and just don't remember it, or that someone else -- a worker perhaps could have taken them.

Another option may be to ask the boyfriend (or his parents) directly if he knows where the coins are -- that you may need to call the police and see what the response is. But, this is a hard call cause I don't know his history. Is your daughter still dating him?

If you knew for a fact it was him, I would call the police -- but if it could have been your daughter and this is her first real problem (and you don't think drugs are involved), it may be best to not report it. I just don't know.

And, I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't seem too harsh.. but after reviewing your posts, it looks like you've really had a hard time with your husband's death. I can't help but think that maybe your daughter is having a hard time and problems, not only with the loss of her father... but with the loss of "you" too. Try to concentrate on the family you do have, not the one you lost when your husband died. You can still be a happy family even without him; I would think he would want that for you. I don't know how much you are doing it, but if you tend to focus on the fact that he's not there for everything (after 8 years), it may really be hard on her. I know you said she was previously in counseling; have you considered family counseling together? Good luck.

I'm stepping back in for just a second. Satine talked to her daughter and she denies taking the coins. She offered a possiblity for who the culprit may be but she doesn't know for sure and certainly would not be able to tell the police that he did it unless she was a part of it. She also told her mother to report the theft to the police. The fact remains that the value of the coins is so great that to not report it would be compounding the problem. This is not a petty theft. The police are the ones who would be charged with determining the actual thief and it should be reported and left to them to determine who it might be. I would definitely report the theft and leave it to the professionals to interrogate Satine, her daughter and anyone else that might be implicated in the situation.

If the daughter is lying to her mother, surely she will stop her from making that call IF she fully understands that if the police determine she had a part in the theft it could seriously ruin the rest of her life. It's Satines job to make her understand that before she makes the call.

I also think that Satine would like these coins back because of the sentimental value more than the real value. To warn the kid that she is going to call the police is to advise him to dump them somewhere else if he still has possession of them. She doesn't want that to happen. She needs to call the police and fill out a report. Hopefully they will find them for her whether the culprit is caught or not. I sure would read the riot act to the daughter too. No more privileges to invite friends over to the house with mom not there.

satine, since she's older, i'd check with the college and see if they offer some sort of counslor..

i also have a dd who has befrieded some pretty strange people (maybe that's why she has her msw, lol) but she did finally learn to be more discrete with her personal friends...thanks be she's married and has kids of her own to worry about, lol..

if the school doesn't offer anything do you have a religious professional you like? just someone who can help her realize there are people who are losers and those who are lost...huge difference...

I think filing a report would all be fine and good if you know for a fact that the boy or someone else is in fact guilty and her daughter had absolutely nothing to do with it. But, if you read satine's other post on the Parent's forum where it appears her "daughter" is the one with the ongoing problems and the "boy is a hard worker that satine likes from a good family", a different picture kind of develops.

satine's first instinct was to blame her daughter.. not really normal.. most moms would blame aliens before their own kids. A different option became availible.. the boy. Lets go with that... We don't really know if the boy ever even saw the coins, do we? If he did steal them, my bet would be that he did it when he was in the house a different time with the daughter which it sounds like she is not admitting it.

The fact that the daughter may "allow" or even ask her mother to call the police at this point doesn't prove her innocence, IMHO. That's how criminal minds work. Once the lie starts; it just keeps getting worse and criminals will often do things just to make themselves appear innocent. And, no matter how much satine tries to explain the seriousness of it, doesn't mean her daughter will really get it or even care. She may really think she won't be caught, or deep down may even want to get caught. Heck, she may even be mad at the boyfriend about something else and hoping to frame him or something.

Bottom line, it may very well been the boyfriend that took the coins without her daughter's involvement, but I think there's enough here to not take that as a fact so unless satine wants to practice tough love, she needs to be sure her daughter is innocent and not just hope that it is true. It could all back fire especially considering the boy's fathers are lawyers. I would bet her daughter has already mentioned this probelm to her boyfriend (are they still dating or did they break up yesterday since she found out that "he" stole the coins?) --Chances are the coins are probably long gone by now either way. If the boy is in fact bad news and he stole the coins for drug money or something, he probably would have sold them right away.

Im back from a day away from work. I don't have a computer at home. I have called the police and filed a report. They will investigate. This boy is not her boyfriend. I now know that she is doing or has done drugs. I feel like there is a huge whole in my soul. I cannot have her live in the house anymore and this is my next step. I don't know where she will go and Im very afraid she will end up- - - who knows. Please pray for me. Im not sure Im going to make it through this. Satine

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS
it sucks, no doubt. But you're a good mom who has beautiful daughters and one has a problem right now. Your other daughters are supportive and you're going to be a grandma shortly. Regroup, focus and move one step at a time. You're smart. You're strong. Use your gifts.
(((((hugs)))))

Oh I'm sorry Satine. I'll keep you and DD in my prayers. Hopefully this will bring her to her senses, and she'll clean up her act. I'd give her that chance before I kicked her out. I'd also go to some 12 step meetings for the family/friends of the user/addict. (Be it drugs or alcohol) But, I would not leave anything of value in the house. She's going to have to prove herself to regain your trust.
Please keep us posted.
Leslie

What a tough position to be in. But your daughter should be trying everything within her might to find those coins and get them back. No matter what consequences she has to face from you.

Sorry for the wrong assumption, satine. I didn't occur to me that a girl with a boyfriend may bring another boy to her home alone and show him personal family stuff... My bad. What was she thinking???

If she had no involvement in the theft though (or do you think she did?), I really wouldn't kick her out just cause she made the one mistake of showing him stuff. She's still young; stuff happens; mistakes are made. Change the locks, hide or put your good stuff in a safety deposit box and tell her not to have "anyone" over without you there. Don't make your "stuff" more important than your daughter. If you really think she's innocent in the theft part --kicking her out may be a little harsh. Where is her actual boyfriend - would she be able to live with him or where do you think she'd end up if you kicked her out?

Hope it all works out. Let us know how things pan out...

Thank you for your responses. zeetera, I don't think I'll ever see those coins again. I know they are gone. Coffeemom, thank you for your encouraging words. They mean so much to me right now. I am trying to hold on, do the right thing but also keep in mind that I need to take care of myself and yes, even protect myself. Leslie, I never even thought about a 12 step program for me. I think that might be a good suggestion. I don't think she is addicted but I certainly can't be sure and I think I would profit from the program. I have a dr. appt today at 1:00. I am going to get some medication for occasional use. I have to be able to come to work and function. Thank you all again for being so kind and encouraging. Please know that you are making a real difference to me right now. Satine

satine...so sorry dd is doing drugs..if she's stolen to use, then she is adddicted. check with your medical ins and see if you have coverage for some sort of intervention...or again check with the college...(if she's actually gone to classes)

i do understand your need for protecting yourself, cause if you don't, who will have the strenth to protect her? at your dr's appt, ask for information...knowledge is as powerful as medication the dr can prescribe...

finally, her doing drugs isn't YOUR fault. she's 20 years old and while inmature, she is an adult...she made the choice. they'll tell you the same thing at the al-anon meetings...listen...

And keep your meds somewhere secret. Maybe locked up in your locker/desk at work.
Leslie

Im back after a long hard weekend. I spent most of the weekend with my middle daughter and her husband at their home. My youngsest worked both days of the weekend and we talked by phone several times. I am just trying to breath. Although this seems like the worse time to do this I have made some decisions for myself. I am getting my house ready to put on the market and Im moving to someplace smaller and more manegable. I was going to try to work until 66 which would be 2.5 years but have decided to leave at 65. I need to start living life for me. My daughter will be living away from me but we don't have all the plans in place. I will help her if I can but also know that this has to be up to her. Her whole family wants her to know she has to do this herself but that we love her and want the best for her. Im so empty it is hard to even type. Satine

Prayers and hugs to both you and your daughter. I have a feeling that she desperately needs to know that her family love her and want her to get her life on track. I expect she is suffering as much as you are and probably feels very lonely. I lost my partner almost 10 years ago and it isn't easy. I have a hard time meeting new people but I forced myself to get out and do things with groups. It helped a great deal.

All the best to all of you

ivamae

Satine,
I don't know anything about your story except what I've read here. Your husband died 8 years ago? My father died when I was 12 and my mother was in her forties. She spent so much time in the role of "victim" because she didn't have a husband. I didn't see her as a strong, capable woman who moved on with her life.
You keep saying that you wished you had a "man" to help you with this problem. As strong independant women, we are very capable of solving our problems without a man to help us. I live by myself and my only family is my sister in Arizona. I used to feel sorry for myself because I was all alone. Now I count my many blessings each and every day.
It was good to read the post where you said,"I'm going to retire and downsize and start living my life". That's the attitude you need to cultivate. Your husband is dead but you are alive. You need to start to live and enjoy your life on your own. Being without a "man" is not a handicap. You are a strong and capable woman. Good luck and you go girl.
Donna
P.S. I was caught shoplifting when I was a teenager. I wasn't on drugs, I was trying to save my mother money. I learned my lesson and that was the end of the story.

Glad to read that you've taken stock and are getting on with the rest of your life! Every bird needs to get out of the nest eventually -- and not just children. Bon chance!

I so wish that TODAY you would go straight to the bank and rent a safe deposit box large enough for all valuables you have in your home that can fit into the box. This is the only place they belong, in a bank in a vault. To keep this type of thing in your home is now perhaps inviting personal injury. If someone other than your daughter has taken these things, outsiders now know you own valuable stuff and keep them in your home. This makes you AND anyone who happens to be in the home, a target.

You might get this stuff back, I think it's more likely that you never will. Please, secure your things in a bank.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks all to responses. I'll try to answer your questions. Ivamae, I know she is hurting and feeling awful but this is not the first problem we have had. The others were nothing like this but when added up I think put me in a place where I have no choice but to act. If she is involved the police will find that out. I hope to God she is not. I have removed everything I could from the house (check books etc). Donna, I don't think I need a man in my life but I know that it would be easier to have the support of my husband to make these decisions. I love my daughter very much and this is very difficult but necessary. I will support her as much as I can but can't help her until I am strong enough to help myself. She is working on her finances to see what she can spend for housing etc. It breaks my heart. Please continue your prayers. Satine

"I will support her as much as I can but can't help her until I am strong enough to help myself". Those words are so true. We all have to help ourselves first before we can help anyone else.
Good luck,
Donna

I"m so terribly sorry this has happened with you and your daughter. You must understand that you are not alone, this happens in homes all over the country with good and loving parents and kids who never dreamed they would end up in trouble.

I agree that joining a group will do you a WORLD of good - you will be with people who can understand and relate to what you are going through personally and what you have lost and the pain with your daughter. You need that - empathy from experience. After you attend for a few sessions, you will begin to really get something out of them. You will learn how to protect yourself both from feelings you don't deserve and from things that can come from this. You will benefit greatly. I hope your daughter will get into some helpful group, but you can't make her do anything you only have control over what you can do for yourself.

It is very good you are dealing with this - the very first step to recovering from this is the frank realization that the problem exists and must be dealt with - nothing can begin to heal until this has taken place and you wouldn't believe the people who live years in denial while this stuff is all around their lives.

Best of luck to you.

Satine, you are going to make it, you can see what to do for now at least and you'll just have to take each event and work it out. By securing all your valuables and making sure your banking is only in your possession you are protecting yourself, even if its, sadly, from your own DD. I would like to say when I read your post, she is innocent but I don't have that feeling. If she was nine years old with the neighborhood klepto, yea, I could see it but she dangled the carrot in front of a BAD kind of guy at the age of twenty. I'd say that was sort of unusual. I don't know maybe you have coins all set out in a bookcase and they are super cool but I'm not thinking that's how this story goes.
What was she thinking? I've always told my kids to be kind to everyone but in no way do I encourage them to temp the temped. (guessing you haven't either) Or to jump into danger just because someone else is doing it and it's exciting. Like taking drugs, drinking, all that. Your dd isn't exactly seeing the difference. Empathy is good, although not in this instance.

Heaven knows no one is perfect but there are some people who have a hard time learning what is wrong and right or at least people who never seem to learn from their mistakes. She needs a counselor to help her see how much of a wonderful future she has if she can focus on friends that are good for her, to be respectful and honest to others and herself. I sure hope she see's that soon or who knows what kind of life she will have. You don't want to see that, I know but she needs to see that her lousy guy friend is making really bad choices and one day he could/will drag her down with him, even if she feels sorry for him. You will have to dance on that fine line. If you mention to her she should drop him, most likely she will cling on for dear life. If you don't do something to gently help her see the light, she may end up in trouble. Good luck, I hope she does the right thing from now on.

Satine, I had to move my DD our of our house when she was 19....DH told me she would "grow out of it" meaning doing drugs and stealing things from me......so I told him to call me when she did because I was not going to be around to waiting for that time to come.
It was a difficult time for all of us but she learned the lessons she needed to learn, taught the lessons she needed to teach and has been a happy, responsible adult for the past 18 years.
My prayers are with you. I have tears in my eyes thinking about what you are going through, how difficult it is. Be strong, continue to love her but let her know you are going to live your life by taking care of yourself first.
Keep in touch.

Thank you for your responses. Right now Im trying to get myself together so I can get through work today. I had a bad morning-really had to force myself out of bed. One step at a time. Satine