I have a 17 year old stepdaughter who is constantly changing the color of her hair and putting weird colors in, etc. She has literally ruined her hair and she had such beautiful hair when she was 14/15. I think they just are trying to make a statement that they are individuals. Maybe you could say something like , "Do you really want to look back at those photos in a few years and think what I was I thinking with that wild hair !" Or sometimes, we just have to bite our tongues and accept what is, just is ! I finally just told DSD one day that being so blonde made her face look fatter. She hasn't been blonde since ! LOL. Sorry, I can't be of more help. Best of luck !
~Vonnie

Vonnie, thanks for your post. Ok, so why didn't I think about the fat face thing! Seriously, I called my daughter and we had both calmed down a bit. She said she appreciated my opinion and although she likes her hair she will probably talk to her "hair lady" and see about toning it down a bit for the wedding. I agree that they do it for attention. In my daughters case she is a bit overweight and she has told me that while her friends can wear short, tight, whatever in clothing she has to make her statement through her hair and I understand that. I think I was just upset because she was upset. She is such a hardworking kid-college full time, works 30 hours a week etc. She lost her Dad the day before she turned 12 and we have struggled together since. Now that she is a little older I can take a step back from being the only parent and begin to become both parent and friend. Sorry Im rambling but sounds like you know just what Im talking about. Thanks again!

I know you're probably not going to but, please don't do the fat face thing especially if she has a weight problem. That sort of thing will stay with her for life and she will always wonder how fat her face looks with her hair color. Insults like that really stick with people and can give her an unnecessary insecurity for life.

I think you should leave this between your daughters. The more you interfere, the less likely your younger daughter is to change her hair. She's much more likely to listen to her sister about the hair, but don't put the older sister up to this. They will probably all talk about who is going to do their hair, or maybe even go to the hairdresser together, and that will help too. This problem will probably solve itself if you stay out.

If you think your daughter's hair does not look good at the wedding, don't be embarrassed. Anyone with children knows that this is what some young people do, and you have little or no control over it. Besides, your daughter is probably a fine person, which counts more than hair.

I know it's hard.

socks said what I wanted to bring up--let the bride determine whether it's an inappropriate look for the wedding. They're both adults at this point, so you don't need to run interference.

don't worry...

what you might do is have the bride suggest something to her sister, as to what she wants at the wedding...for instance are other members wearing up-do's? certain floral or ribbons? have the dresses been chosen yet?

you might suggest she take extra care right now with conditioning (and buy her some)so no matter what the style, at least she has 2 months to get it pretty good shape.

Since you already mentioned it, I'd suggest not mentioning it again. She already knows how you feel and was clearly upset about it. Bringing it up again will just make her feel worse, especially if she has weight or self esteem issues.

This really is between her and her sister. If the bride doesn't like her hair, I imagine she'll discuss it with her. If she's fine with it, it's really not a concern of yours.

I'm glad you two talked though and things are better. She sounds open to making some changes so I'd just let her handle it from here. :-)

Well,you probably aren't going to like what I'm going to say buuuuut.....you asked for opinions so here's mine.LOL
I totally understand where you are coming from,believe me.I have raised 4 kids and have teenage grandkids.
#1,and I quote you,"hey,its her hair"! Yep,and she is 19. Old enough that you really can't insist that she change it.Yes YOU think it looks "awful",but awful in your eyes is "cool" in hers and in the eyes of her peers.I truly understand that you didn't intend to make her feel bad about herself,but.....You "criticized" her hair! LOL Probably not a big thing,but to her it was the same as saying,"I can't accept you because of the color of your hair"! Her hair is a statement of who she is. At least in her eyes.
#2 Does her sister object to the color of her hair or mind that it will be that color for her wedding? If not,problem solved. If so,then SHE needs to be the one to ask/suggest "gently" that she change it,at least for the wedding.
Personally,I see nothing wrong with it.(Now,piercings would be a totally different thing!LOL) She's 19,so you can't "make" her do anything about it. I'm sure everyone who will be attending the wedding will have seen it by now anyway,so what difference does it make? You say you have been through some tough times together.Is it worth losing a special relationship over or alienating her from her family? LOL She knows how you feel and you know how she feels so I would let it go at that.I wouldn't press the matter any further,and I'll bet after her emotions calm down a bit she will have a change of heart.Think about this too,by September her hair COULD be orange or green or even dyed to match her dress!LOL If the color of her hair is the biggest worry you have with her,consider yourself lucky!

thanks everyone for your input. I agree that I won't bring it up again. The bride to be most likely won't say anything but the younger sister did say to me that if her sister wants her to change it she will. As I said we have talked again and all will be fine. Carla35, I certainly won't say anything about her hair making her look fat. I am super careful regarding her weight because I know she is not comfortable with it. Again, thank you all for your advise. How her hair looks is such a little bitty part of the bigger picture- - that her sister is getting married and it will be a wonderful blessed day for all of us. Satine

I'm of the same mind as Lilliepad....If her hair color is your biggest worry, consider yourself lucky. Mine called me one day when she was 13 or 14 and said..."It was OK I dyed my hair purple wasn't it Mom?".

Always remember it's what's on the inside that counts. Years from now she'll laugh at how her hair looked. We all do, heck I didn't even have anything odd with my hair and I think it looks funny!

Vickey-MN

Oh it could be worse. I saw a hairdo the other day that looked like the back end of a Thanksgiving turkey. Black in back (feathers) and light body. Gal is a clerk at K-Mart.

Thing is (and I'm basically agreeing with several above).

1--it's her hair, at 19, she's old enough to decide what she wants to do with it.
2--it's NOT an issue that's important enough (even with a wedding in the offing) for you and she to but heads over. Remember the 'pick your battles' thing.
3--you're the mom. Mom's suggestions about style/grooming/appearance hold no weight with 19 year olds and more likely than not--by saying something like that, you'll make her dig in her heels and come to the wedding looking totally outlandish in one way or another. About 8 teens out of 10 would do that just to spite their moms.
4--most importantly? It wasn't your place to say anything at all. If the bride has a problem with her sister's hair, it's up to HER to say something.

Best advice anyone can give you is to drop the subject. Let your daughter be herself, let her sister make a request if it's important to her--but it's not your battle to fight, and there's no point in you causing hard feelings at an event that should be such a happy one.

It really is 'just hair'.

(and don't forget--One reason she may have been upset was that if she was already thinking of toning down her look for the wedding, by you mentioning it, she's now furious thinking that if she makes a change, it will look like she's 'caving'.)

LOL......I guess I was busy writing my post while everyone else was actually posting! See,I was right about her thinking about it! LOL Seems like we are all pretty much in agreement.I'm glad everything turned out OK.I totally agree with Carla about the fat face statement.That would be so cruel and even more so if she already has a bit of a weight problem.
Vonnie-Not being critical here but I'm sorry,I think you owe your DSD an apology:(
How would you feel if someone said that to you?

I thought I'd share my experience with you. We were on a waiting list with a local photographer to take my youngest son's Senior HS pictures. The day before they were to be taken my son walked in with his hair bleached blonde! I don't know who I was madder at, him or his girlfriend who did the bleach job. Well, I about died but there wasn't a thing I could do about it. 6 years later I can look at those pictures and laugh about it and wonder what the big deal was. That was a phase he was going through and just part of being him at the time.

I am reading "Sam's letters to Jennifer" right now and one phrase just leapt out at me: If you will probably laugh about it years from now, you should just laugh at it now.

It is, after all, just hair.

In response to Lilliepad,DSD, asked me what I thought," Did I think it made her face look fatter ?" and I was honest with her. She was in no way upset with me about it. so, no apology needed.

Sorry, I can't lie if someone asks me a blatant question.
Each of us knows our children best and what is really best to say and what to leave unsaid. I know all about emotional scars from words.........

Thanks all for your input. Of course I agree with you all that in the end it is only hair. I do feel some responsibility though to try to guide my children at any age to at least think about some decisions they might make and regret later. And, of course, some of it was selfishness on my part-wanting her to look like the beautiful young lady she is. Again, thank you all.

Vonnie-I apologize."I finally just told DSD one day that being so blonde made her face look fatter." Didn't sound like she asked the question.I agree,entirely different situation.

That's the attitude, Satine! Relax and enjoy all the preparations, and don't sweat the small stuff. You have something wonderful going--daughters who like each other enough to want to share a wedding. It was a proud and happy time for me when my DS got married with his brother as his best man. It's wonderful.

I don't think it was selfishness on your part. Wedding pictures are expensive, and they are pictures we keep and look back at, and sometimes display throughout the years. Some people's wedding photos look beautiful no matter when they were taken, and other people's wedding photos look extremely dated, so that you notice more the time period than the bride. You were probably thinking about not only yourself, but your older daughter, the grandparents, etc. who will be buying expensive photographs of the entire wedding party.

If no one had said anything to your daughter, and she kept her current hairstyle, I'll bet 20 years from now she'd have looked at her picture and shrieked, "Why didn't anyone stop me!!!!!"

If she brings it up again, you might consider a little different approach. You said she makes her statement through her hair, and I can sympathize with that. I don't care if my daughter (16 years old) dies her hair purple, green, blue, whatever. It's hair, it will grow back. But a wedding is not really the place for members of the wedding party to make a personal statement. The focus of the wedding pictures should be the bride and groom, and a bridesmaid with a strip of purple in her hair will really stand out in wedding photos. So perhaps this is less about how attractive your daughter looks, and more about when to make a personal statement vs. when to blend in with the crowd.

I think it would have been best if you had talked to your older daughter first, though. She might think it's great to have a bridesmaid with dramatic hair and a purple stripe.

I'm so sorry about all you and your daughter have been through. My husband was badly hurt when my daughter was 13, and we thought we might lose him. I can't imagine the struggle we would have had if we had lost him. I'm sure both your daughters love you very much. I know my teenagers treasure my husband and me much more now that they know how quickly life can change.

Best wishes on the wedding!

My Pal had this same problem with her DD who was the bride, same hair color as your DD minus the purple streak~~~she paid to have her DD's hair restored back to its original color and a darling cut done also~~~so all was well til a day before the wedding the DD went and got it back the 'ulgy' way~~go figure why did she do that?? It looked awful.

daisyinga and lunch lady. Thanks for the replies. I really don't think the bride will say anything. I agree that this is not the place to make a personal statement. You said it so well-it is what I was trying to convey to my daughter. The bride is very conservative and traditional but accepting of her sister's personal style so Im sure she won't approach her. I do think the situation will take care of itself in that the younger child is very kind and considerate and Im sure doesn't want to do anything to make her sister's wedding less than perfect. All three of my daughters will be in the wedding-the middle child is the bride, the oldest the matron of honor and the youngest bridesmaid so I will cherish the pictures. Thanks again for all your kind advise. Satine

I agree with you, Mom. I would just stress that this is the Bride's day, and all attention should be on the bride. That hairdo will detract from the bride and groom, and I would also clue in the bride with what you are going to say. I would offer to do her hair special for the day along with the bride, but it will require a quiet hair color done that week. You can even offer to change it back afterwards. How else is she going to learn what is appropriate? Teaching her that is the parent's role. She is old enough for the lesson.

OK,I have to say something else here,then I promise I'll shut up! LOL For everyone who is saying she should have a different hair style because in a few years she will look at the pictures and ask why someone didn't say something.Assuming her hair color/style is OK with the bride I can't see that it will make a bit of difference in a few years what color her hair is or even if her head was shaved.These "drastic" styles and colors are no more "strange" than the beehives and bouffants of the 50's and 60's! How many of us have looked back on our own wedding pictures and said,"what was I thinking",even though it was the style of the time? I see no difference.As for the ones buying "expensive" wedding photos,if the color of the bridesmaid's hair is an issue,just don't buy a picture.They will probably be stuck in a drawer somewhere and forgotten anyway.LOL I'll bet not one person buying a wedding picture will some day regret it because of the color of her hair! It's not about the attendants anyway,it's about the bride and groom.I'm sorry but I just can't see making such a big deal about the color of someone's hair! If one can't look beyond the color/style of someone's hair then something is really wrong! The bride's day will be perfect for HER whether her sister has purple hair or not.LOL I think it's "much to do about nothing" as the saying goes.
Lunchlady-"go figure why did she do that??" Maybe first (restoring the color) to appease her mother and get her off her back:),then,because that was the way SHE wanted it and it was,after all,HER wedding!LOL

Lilliepad, I couldn't agree with you more that if the bride is okay with the hairstyle, everyone should let it go. You are so right that it's not about the attendants, it's about the bride and groom.

However, if my daughter had a very dramatic hairstyle and was going to be in anyone's wedding - a friend's, cousin's, sister's, etc. - I would suggest to her that she discuss it with the bride. To me it would be a way of teaching my daughter common courtesy and thoughtfulness toward others.

Suppose my son was getting married, I would hate for his bride to be in the awkward position of wanting to include his sister in the wedding party, yet not wanting to offend her by asking her to change her hairstyle. I hope my daughter would be the kind of person who would be thoughtful enough to make the offer, particularly if she knew the bride-to-be had a traditional, conservative style. However, my daughter might be thinking more of "I should look my best", and not even realize that it would be considerate to offer to change her hair.

Different families may see this issue in different ways, and I think that's okay. I know families who are very much into self-expression and would be aghast to think that someone would try to squash their daughter's purple hair at the wedding. To me that's okay, their family, their kids, their values. However, I think satine's concerns are understandable (for some families), and it might be reasonable for her to discuss this with her daughter.

For what it's worth, I think teenaged girls who are heavy often look more attractive with dramatic hair dyed strange colors, nice makeup, and bright clothes in the forefront of fashion . I think it makes them look more confident and happier with themselves. I probably would think satine's daughter looked prettier with the purple stripe. But again, as we have probably all said, it's the bride's day.

It comes down to do you want your DD to have her sister in the wedding or do you want some staged affair where everyone looks "just right" for the pictures? Making someone over for the day because they don't look right is hurtful and mean. How would you like it if one of your DD's wanted you out of the pics because you are too fat, too thin, too old, not dressed like they want etc.

I am so glad to see more Brides coordinating their weddings with flowers, colors and themes and getting away from the 95 lb.Bridesmaid and the 200lb. bridesmaid must wear the same exact dress and hairstyle.

I had a mother who thought she could say anything to me because I was her DD even after I was an adult. Believe me those words stick and they don't bring you closer. I don't care if it's about clothing, hair, house, children or what. Parents need to learn to keep their mouths shut, unless asked. You wouldn't tell a friend to change her hair for the wedding would you?

I'd talk to my daughters too if I were in your shoes.
Her reaction was way over the top.
The first thing I thought, while reading your post, is your daugher wants to standout at the wedding; outshine the bride, if you will. It's a way to get attention. Had the bride to be talked to her about changing her hair her reaction would have been identical; selfish and childish.

That said, you won't change her mind so I'd let it go.
Call it damage control.
If the subject is pursued she might go and get some very visible tattos or body piercing.

Some bridesmaids pout over the dress or shoes they have to wear. And when I see this I want to tell them 'hey. this isn't about YOU....'

Good luck with the wedding! I'm sure the bride will be beautiful!

your daugher wants to standout at the wedding; outshine the bride, if you will. It's a way to get attention. Had the bride to be talked to her about changing her hair her reaction would have been identical; selfish and childish.

It's not like she just went and changed her hair color to this type of style specifically in time for the for the wedding. She's been wearing her hair differently for a while is what I got from the original post. The above conclusion is unfair.

Hi all-just an update and one or two comments. I want to thank all for their thoughts. One thing struck me as I read lorifromutah's post is that I must have made my daughter sound (at least to some) like an attention grabbing brat. She is far from that. She told me during our very first conversation that she would change her hair to something more acceptable to the bride if the bride to be asked her to. I know that youngest daughter will find a more toned down look that she will be comfortable with and that I will try to be more careful about the words I use to make a point in the future. All is well and life is good. Enough said. Satine