Surferchiky, I agree with ulrike, I think your mixed feelings about the situation are justified. It does sound like your DH did his legal duty if not truly fatherly duty by paying child support for a child he did not know and now is open to starting a relationship with that child. It's pretty harsh judgement to come down on your DH without knowing all of the facts about the estrangement from the mother, their relationship if any and so on. Don't worry too much about any child you have with your DH playing second fiddle to his first daughter. They don't really even have a relationship yet and are strangers to each other. It would be pretty unusual if they quickly developed such a close father/daughter relationship that your child together would be relegated to some lower position in DH's life. That being said, this girl IS his daughter and DID come first. You did know about her years ago and although you may not have expected her to enter DH's life beyond child support she has and both of them have the right to know each other. Relax your anxiety about it, she may like you both and you may like her. A deep relationship between them will take a lot of time, in fact, if you have a child that might facilitate closeness all around. who knows? I applaud your DH for doing the right thing. I can understand the other posters thinking he should have played an active father role all along but once again, we don't have all of the facts and it's pretty common for many women and their families to not even want fathers involved especially if there was not a real relationship in the first place. Easy for me to say but just be fair to the girl, flexible with DH because this must be major for him and be easy with yourself. You don't have to be a mean SM like yours was, be yourself and don't forget how it was for you. there is no suggestion of her living with you is there?

Welcome to this board! It is really such a great tool in keeping my sanity as a stepmom! The advice I give you is to really take things slowly and think about the worst case scenerio and decide if it is something you can live with. My hubby has sole custody of my 3 stepkids. But we can not erase her from our existance. She has moved out of state 3 times and come back only to leave again. Each time taking a piece of the kids happiness with her. She has made plans with them and stood them up without so much as a phone call. She has been gone 8 months now without as much as a phone call. We have no idea where she is living or how to get a hold of her. Her family knows which state she is in---which is no longer the same state as us, but that is about it. They can't even contact her! Each time she reappears with promises to the kids, which she does not fill. Then we are left picking up the pieces. At times the kids lash out at us because they are upset with her. But then they will talk to her on the phone and be nice as pie because they fear that she will disappear again if they don't. Its horrible to watch. So sole custody isn't a fairy tale ending. OR you could have a situation like justnotmartha or imamommy where the ex makes everything a fight. Imamommy has been in and out of court with her hubby and his ex. That can get costly. You could have a situation like doodleboo where the kids mom is a druggie and has bad boyfriends that you don't want the child around. You could have a situation like lovehadley where the mom is violent and drunk and uses the child as a weapon and excuse for everything. There is no easy part of stepparenting. Its twice the work of regular parenting and a very thankless job! Would I go back and never have married my hubby? NO WAY! I love him and the children. But I will not lie to you and tell you this was an easy road. It has been a struggle at times. And we have argued over the children and his ex. But we are always able to talk things out. Great communication is the key to success in any relationship, but more so in a stepfamily situation. I wish you a lot of luck and I encourage you to do a search on the posters I have mentioned and on my self on here to read some of our posts and what we have gone through. I also encourage you to come here often for advice or just to vent or share stories.

The ICE list is a great idea. I had a friend, who one day told me she'd spent 4 days in the hospital. I remember feeling the same way you did. So, she told her daughter to be sure and call me if it ever happened again. One morning three weeks later after making deliveries I returned home at 8:15am to the most awful message. Her daughter had called around 7:30 even before EMS got her mom to the hospital. I was really grateful for the call, but it was already too late. Once a year, I ask here on the forum "How would we know if something happened to you?" in hopes of putting on everyone's mind the thought of making those arrangements. I didn't ask at all this year. I guess I forgot but sure am glad you brought it up. Also very happy your friend is back home and on the mend. Glad you will be contacted if need be in the future.

Plllog- I do see your point. The only severe (not extreme) alerts I have received late at night had to do with flash flooding, which doesn't affect me but very well could affect some of my low lying neighbors, and severe thunderstorms which produce high winds and large hail. I personally keep these alerts activated. Straight line winds can and do cause a lot of damage BUT, it isn't something I'm prepared to wake up in the middle of the night to suddenly batten down the hatches for. Large hail however? If my phone buzzes in the middle of the night for severe thunderstorms with straight line winds and producing large damaging hail, I will get up, get my outside dogs and bring them inside. Whether that warning was sent at 2 PM or 2 am, my response would be the same. Protect my animals. I guess what I'm saying is that, at least for me and the rather extreme weather we have around here, I still would want to be notified, even if it is the middle of the night so I can take steps to minimize damage and protect my pets and/or property. I can't testify to what qualifies as severe weather in other parts of the country, I only know my own stomping grounds. I've never been annoyed or awoken by a useless weather report. Every one I have received was not only valid, but acted on immediately to protect my family, property or pets, regardless of the hour. I could see how getting a winter advisory in the middle of the night when you are safe and warm in your bed and knew a winter storm was coming could be an annoyance though, it just isn't my experience in my part of the country.