Kathy - I'm glad the venting helps you get through the holiday and I hope the rest of the day improves. You are blessed with 2 loving children. I'm not going to offer any platitudes. I'll just send along some internet hugs to you.

Hugs to you. I hope your day gets better.

(((((kathy))))) How sad for you and your dad. How long has he been there? Have you tried lately to heal the rift with him? If he is near you maybe you can get a tiny flag and write a sweet note to him to let him know how much you love and miss him. Attach it to the flag and take it to the receptioninst at the nursing home to deliver to him.

You are right about it being better to be alone than to go through hell with a spouse or family member. My first July 4th without my first dh really was an independence day.
What part of Alabama are you in? I'm in Mississippi on the north west upper corner. If you are within a couple of hours, why don't you come on over here? I'm cooking some steaks. I've already been told to add an extra one to the grill, so I'll just add one more to it if you want to come spend the day with us.

hugs to you Kathy.

Linda

Having been through the parent nursing home situation I know the feeling but I also know that the parent is so much better off in a place that can properly care for them..you just have to keep reminding yourself of that...You will get through this day....Hugs

Thanks for the invite. I live in the Eastern part of Alabama near Gadsden so I'm several hours away. My poor little car wouldn't make it anyway if we had the time. My dad has been in the nursing home for 4 years this June. I do take things for him and leave them at the office in front. If I try to see him it is always lots of verbal abuse plus if he can get to anything to throw I'm the target. I took care of him for 8 years after he became unable to drive so that he would be able to stay in his home. After he got bedridden I couldn't handle him and he would not let me hire anyone to help. With his doctors help I got guardianship and admitted him. I don't wish that on any child to have to do. Thanks so much again for taking the time to post.

Oh, Kathy, I feel for you over the situation with your dad. That has got to be so hard on you.

How sweet of Linda to invite you over, but it doesn't surprise me about her because she is such a kind and caring person.

Hope your day improves. I wish I was staying home, but I was invited out, so going. I love the few days I can stay home and not have to leave for anything.

Hey Kathy,

I feel for you, too. I'm a clinical social worker with home health and hospice and next week I will be going to two homes to recommend nursing home placement for two elderly couples. Before this I worked in nursing homes. When I read about your dad it really boiled my blood! How incredibly selfish he is. It's understandable that he's upset about being in a nursing home--no one wants to be in a nursing home, but you took care of him for 8 years? wow. You deserve not a medal, a chestful of medals because I can't imagine it was easy with someone who is so ungrateful! Sorry if this is a little harsh but it's frustrating watching people treat their relatives so poorly. What how incredibly kind of you to keep taking him things to the nursing home.

One thing I tell my patients when they are coming up to an anniversary or a holiday which is potentially sad is to plan something really fun ahead of time. Don't wait for the day to come up and pounce on you! Plan something you can look forward to. There are tons of free there out there to do, too, if you have a budget. Find a friend and go for a walk along a creek or river or something. Baby yourself! Do your toenails and fingernails. You get the picture! Make it a "let's celebrate what a great lady Kathy is" day!!

God bless you Kathy. You sound like such a caring person, take care of yourself today. You deserve it. ((((((Kathy))))))

((((Kathy))))

Being alone is much better than going thru HE!! with a spouse or family.

Make this your mantra! What do you like to do to "have fun"? Garden? Sew? Craft? Cook? Read? Movies? Exercise? Call an old friend? Write letters?

Make yourself a treat, set yourself down somewhere comfortable, and do whatever it is. No house work, no "chores," unless you enjoy them.

Grill something for yourself. I often cook on a small grill just for me. It tastes better and I've decided I need treats now and then, too.

My self-indulgent activities include

~ Going to the garden center, even when I don't have time or money to plant anything.

~ Going to the big library in town, reading and "researching" myself into a stupor. (Wanna know how to incubate chicken eggs? LOL)

~ Visiting thrift and pawn shops.

~ Eating an ice cream or drinking tea at the mall and watching all the people. They are a hoot.

~ Watching British drama movies on DVDs.

~ Walking around town to spy on the different gardens and check out any Purple Martin sites. I'd love to get in good enough shape to ride my bicycle on these jaunts.

~ Birdwatching.

DH and I are facing the future where your dad is. I have all ready told my family not to feel guilty if it deeds to be done. One of our best friends had to put the father in a nursing home, when six brothers and sisters wouldn't help.
Now they won't include them in all the family doings.

What a shame that your Dad treats you like this after all you have done for him. It is his loss as he is missing out on all your wonderful visits and love.

I agree make this YOUR day and find something to do that you really enjoy. How far are you from your kids? Do something family with them and make your own holiday traditions.

((((Kathy))))

Kathy

Caroline has a great post! I have no plans for the 4th either but I do some of the exact things she said. I am consoled somewhat that yesterday was my birthday and I spent part of the day with my parents and 2 sons. When I start to feel a little sorry for myself, I do you like you and think... well, it could be worse. I could be spending the day with that lying, cheating SOB that I am getting a divorce from! That always makes being alone seem better! LOL.

I hope you find some fun activities to fill your day! I will be thinking about you.

Most holidays I am alone as well, but I just have to get up, get out and do something.
My hometown is Gadsden, now live in B'ham. Sis lives in Rainbow City. She's another story.

Dinner for lunch, every day at a restaurant. I know where I'm comfortable to eat alone.
Have to go somewhere daily, just to GET OUT! So that's what I'll do today.

Hope this day passes with a smile on your face! Thinking about you!

I'm so sorry, hope you and your Dad will reconcile one day. Keep trying to reach out to him.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I hope you find a way to be nice to yourself today, do something special. Even if it's just getting an ice cream cone, I think it would help. Wish I was there to join you!

Thanks for your caring replies. I made a huge lunch of BBQ ribs, Potato Salad, Cole Slaw, Baked Beans with Watermelon for dessert!! I rarely cook these days and had a lot of fun doing it. Now I'll have leftovers for days. I battle depression every day of my life so it is so easy just to not do anything. My Dad was abusive all my life and it takes a lot to get out from under that but I have made good progress and hope for a peaceful rest of my life.

(((Kathy)))...big hugs to you...My Dad would have been 97 today...he died 20 years ago...We always had a big July 4th party and celebrated and teased him that the ENTIRE USA was celebrating HIS birthday...now everyone has gone off and gotten lives...so what am I doing today?...Painting a bedroom...and trying to keep my mind off what today is or used to be...

I understand the messed-up-holiday thing.

Fourth of July is one holiday I can actually enjoy without mixed feelings.

It's Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas and New Year's Eve that are all bittersweet in our family because of their connection to one tragic death.

When they roll around I'll try to remember your encouraging words, "we will get thru this day and hopefully many more." I wish you all the best.

Kathy, I wish you were nearby so I could invite you over! We are not doing anything special today and don't have any relatives here to share with. I do miss the fun of past holidays, but we accept things as they are now and make the best of it. So many of our family members are now in Heaven, our grandson is in Afghanistan, his brother is in college getting "wasted" every chance he gets and my daughter has apparently decided we don't fit in her upscale lifestyle (???)which is fine by me. I'm so tired of the bragging and the ridicule of her "trailer trash relatives" plus the constant criticism of our lifestyle and practically everything we do. Oh well, we manage to enjoy our lives in spite of the fact that we seem to be "doing everything wrong"! LOL Son and family lives in Calif. and they don't get many long weekends to travel, but we remain close thru' phone calls, e-mails, etc. We do have good friends and neighbors, so we are not lonely. Whew! Thanks for letting me vent on your thread! Just wanted to say that I do understand! (((Kathy))).

Kath, everyone's replies are so uplifting. I don't consider July 4 a major holiday, glad you made some nice foods. I made cucumber salad and a blueberry dessert from scratch, DH will be deep-frying chicken wings. It's just the 2 of us. Both our DD's are busy with their friends, we don't generally eat together anymore. I guess I'll watch fireworks on TV and then go to bed, it's really just another Friday to me. Have a nice weekend, everyone!

(((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Here's some of my birds and flowers for you to enjoy!I know it's hard on you having your dad in a nursing home,but it could be worse,so think of it that way and remember he is where he needs to be at this time.You've done your part,and continue to do so .So don't beat yourself up over this.Sometimes when people get older they get mean and nasty,and think the world owes them.It's not your fault,it's just a part of life.

So sit down put your feet up and do something for Kathy!!

{{gwi:140034}}

Kathi

Kathi thanks for sharing those beautiful photos. Hopefully Kathy813 will just sit and enjoy them and close her eyes and hear the birds chirp, water tricking to sooth her. I know it did for me.
Kathy 813--just remember you did the best you could. My mom was similar to that--so word abusive spiteful and I too suffered from stress but in those days 1984, the did not have the help they have now. Sending hugs enjoy each day and remember you are "improving" with age as I tell my kids. Day by day and you will make it.
I wish you the best.

Hi Kathy813.....i'm so sorry about your problems with your Dad. It is just DH & I today. Holidays are the pits, aren't they. Years ago it was big family gatherings, but nowdays, everyone lives so far apart and everyone has to work so hard to male a living, things are just diffrent. Your BBQ meal sounds good. I put a roast in the slo-cooker and hope to eat off it for most of the weekend. This morning I finished cleaning the oven. Yesterday I used the self cleaning feature for the first time and it did a real good job, but today I had to wipe up the ash it left in the bottom. I hope the rest of your day goes well, and isn't it nice to have the KT as a place to vent? Dottie

AWWW KAthy
I know how you feel about holidays, I am not crazy about any of them. My parents are both deceased, my daughters live too far away,
my son and DH do not get along, plus DH has his own children which they go and do things together. I do not want to join them,
I just keep my thoughts and memories to myself. Today DH and I did some things together, I've talked with all children then
later DS and I are going to the movies since the weather is not cooperating for us to see the fireworks.
I am sending some some thoughts and hugs.
Just take one day at a time and enjoy the day.
God Bless You!
Deb

Well I am glad you came here...we are here for you! WE are kidless till later and enmjoying the quiet...LOL My kids are at their dads his finace has a huge family 8 bro and sis so holidays are so much fun for them there plus they have the pool I can't begrudge them...they called they will come over tomorrow and that is great...we will just hang out maybe go to the lake with them......
Brians son is at his granny's where he lives and his cousins came in from alabama and they will be here later to do fireworks...but we just are enjoying our time alone...I posted a pic of my golden if you care to look and fixing to post some of my sisters house in texas now that thye are moved and partically decorated....STacy Hugs

Holidays around here are the pits! Any and all holidays! My only child and his family are 3,000 miles away, DH and SIL had a spat a few years ago and he won't be round my brother and his wife, HIS family is 1,200 miles away (which, believe me, is a good thing), we have very few mutual friends. Either I can't stand her/him, or he can't stand her/him. So it ends up just the two of us, both feeling put out and neglected. Got to do something, just don't know what.

Contributing to this days malaise is the fact that he bought about $150 worth of fireworks on the way through TN on his way back from NE a week or so ago, and asked several of his friends to come and shoot fireworks. One by one, all cancelled, even the one who asked DH to pick some up for him! So there DH is, with a party in the making, and no one wants to come.

Glad you found a way to enjoy this Holiday (((((Kathy))))). You certainly deserve to. Everyone has already expressed a lot of my feelings concerning your Dad, so just know that I'm thinking of you and want you to have that peace you so deserve.

Hi Kathy!
I am glad to see all of this support heading your way and that you pulled together such a lovely meal. Depression is challenging let alone having a troubled relationship. You've done your best to take care of your Dad. It's his loss now that he's closed the door to you. Bless you for continuing to try to send love his way. You do the best you can. Now it's time to take care of Kathy. Please don't ever feel alone - we are here for you.
KT has been so supportive for me over the years - each and everyone continues to mean so much to me. It's not such a big world out there when our friends pull together.
I agree with fussing over yourself and I love the suggestion to plan something for yourself for upcoming events - that's a terrific idea!
Have a wonderful evening tonight. Kathy you deserve a favorite movie, good book, soak in the tub - pamper yourself and remember you have many, many friends all over North America/Canada.

((((((((((((((((Kathy))))))))))))))

Peggy in Ottawa, Canada

Good for you!
I ended up going for BBQ, and enjoyed my dinner all by my lonesome self. I survived.