if i acted that way i am sure my moms best friends would drive over to my house and smack me heck i would expect it!
those kids dont know how good they got it having there mother still here! i wish my mother was still here! and i know if any of her friends found out anything was going on like that i would expect a knock at the door or a phone call! hope everything will be ok

There are always two sides to every story. I'm guessing maybe some sort of abuse was involved... maybe at the hand of the father.

I can see one, but I can't imagine 3 children deciding not to talk to their mother for no good reason. There's something going on. I really wouldn't get involved or try to make judgement calls without knowing the whole story. Just treat the daughters as you would acquaintances nad be civil to them.

If you feel you must try to get them together or want to help resolve their differences, or talk some sense into them, a wedding is not the time or place.

As hard as it might be, I would talk to the girls as though nothing had happened. After all, nothing has happened between you and them, or that you can change. Be pleasant and maybe, just maybe, you can get a clue about the situation.

At least that is the way I would handle it.

Sue

I think you need to act with them like you do anyone else at the wedding you haven't seen in a while. Friendly, respectful, celebrating the day. You can support your frient without taking sides or trying to fix the situation for her. I think you should not mention any of what your friend has said to you about the estrangement because 1) It's not your conflict. and 2) a wedding is not the time to hash out differences. and 3) it would betray her confidence in you.

I think as a friend, the best thing you can do is remain objective and supportive without judging either side. You don't have to be cold to the estranged daughters to prove your loyalty to your friend. You can treat them like you would treat anyone else you know but have lost touch with. Focus on the good things of the day and don't dwell on the struggles. Every family has struggles, but should set them aside to celebrate a wedding and honor the bride/groom.

Your friend still loves all her children very much, despite whatever they are going through now. So it would not help your friend to have you withhold concern for these young women.

That was sort of rambling, but I hope it helps anyway.

I'm with Sue!

I completely agree with Carla. Not necessarily that there was abuse but that the animosity of 3 out four kids has roots you don't know about.

You will be a guest at a wedding and should act as graciously to the DD's as you would to any other guest.

Note to Jules - These are not kids. They are grown women who have made a choice. It is no one's business but their own and those they choose to share their feelings with.

I would be cordial. No reason not to be. Like you said you don't know the daughter's side of the story. I would congratulate her (if you haven't already) on the birth of her child. And wish her well. It doesn't mean you are being disloyal to your friend. It means you are staying neutral cause you don't know what happened to start it. Your friend has to work this out with her daughter. Don't get in the middle of a family's squabbles and all the he said she said stuff. Good luck! NancyLouise

I can't imagine that 3 daughters would be so mad at their mother to not have any contact with her whatsoever and the mother has no incling at all as to what is going on? There's always 2 sides to a story.

Of course she's your friend and you know her side so naturally you're mad at her daughters, but I think its best if you just be cordial to them and leave it at that. You don't have to go out of your way to be extra social or friendly with them, but be polite, make insignificant small talk if necessary and really try not to think about it too much or you'll be distracted from the fun of the wedding.

I agree with what Karla said. I don't think you know the whole story. 3 grown women wouldn't abandon their mother without good reason.

I'd go to the wedding and have a good time. Just avoid bringing your friend into the conversation.

I had a friend my mother's age who went through this with her grown daughter. In her case, the daughter went to someone who told her she had a suppressed memory of abuse by her father, and that she believed this person; she told her mother that from then on she would have nothing more to do with her mother. I truly believe my friend, who died last fall, had no idea what she was talking about and didn't believe anything had happened. I did come to understand that by her own admission, she and her husband were very lenient with their children. I'm sorry to say that between this daughter and two sons who rarely bothered to visit or call her, she died of a broken heart. I think that girl needs a good shake! Not telling her mother what's bothering her strikes me as very juvenile.

Exactly what sue va said

If you've had anything much to do with the daughters at an earlier time, I think that I'd visit them, sooner rather than later, one by one, casually, well before the wedding, in any case.

Wth regard to the one who just had a babe recently, you can visit to offer good wishes, after things have settled down some.

Keep you ears open, and possibly do a slight bit of fishing ... but without being obvious about it.

Whether there's some reason behind the issue, or just something quite slight, if they feel like unburdening themselves to you, perhaps you can ask some questions and offer some suggestions that may be useful.

Bring the pressure down in some of the boilers? Sometimes when people talk about such issues, they feel better.

Perhaps things might ease to the point that the Mom might end up being invited to the wedding?

But nothing like that has any possibility of happening, as things stand ... or so it appears.

Have one or other, or nearly all of these gals had a history of throwing tantrums? Getting unduly mad over (next to) nothing?

Sometimes a person who may be interested in helping facilitate better relations between people where there's anger, not talking, friction, misunderstanding, or whatever ... and friends that one cares about ... needs to remember that we have two ears ... two eyes ... and one mouth.

Also - sometimes one who gets involved with family fights ... gets beat upon by both sides! Best wear armour plate!

Good wishes with whatever course of action you choose to follow.

I hope and pray that things ease somewhat before the wedding. And that the daughter who didn't want to hear from Mom - but was mad when no congratulations appeared at the time of the birth ... decides that life is too short for such (playground fussing?)

Suppose there were something heavy - like abuse ... it seems to me that, even then, if some of the anger and bitterness can be related to and dealt with, things might improve. Perhaps some healing might follow.

People who have been through such difficult times need friends ... and understanding.

Sometimes Moms who were somewhat aware of the situation, and felt in a quandary, need some understanding, as well - going public with such an issue was far more difficult, in earlier times.

Carrying a load of bitterness is corrosive ... to ourselves, more than to anyone else.

Forgiveness is hard to achieve ... but those who were able to summon the courage to find their way through troubled waters to that understanding ... are thankful that they did. Very thankful.

ole joyful

Thank you all very much for your great advice. I will go to the wedding and be cordial.
The daughter I am speaking of was very controlling even as a child. She demanded attention all the time and has not outgrown that. She now has 2 children of her own, so I was hoping that when she became a mom, she would understand that being a parent is not easy and she might get along with her mom (my friend) a little better. Apparently she has anger towards my friend because she was a very strict mother while this daughter thinks she is the best mom in the world.
Anyway, I truly appreciate all your advice. This forum is the best. Thank you all.

joyfulguy: My mom used to say "Acid does more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to what is poured on". If these girls are carrying around some bitterness for whatever reason, in the long run they'll ultimtely be hurting themselfs.