How to Act with Friend's grown children

18 years ago

To make a long story short, my best friend of 35 years has not spoken to 3 of her 4 children for the last year. She wants contact desperately, but the oldest daughter is mad at her (and won't tell her why) and she has convinced her two younger sisters who live nearby to stop contact.

The only daughter that she speaks to lives nearby and will be getting married in August. I am invited to the wedding and I honestly do not know how to act in front of the three girls. I am so angry at them for alienating my friend. Granted, I might not know the whole story, but I do know that my friend is as confused as I am. Her 3 girls never contacted her when she went through back surgery a few months ago, however, when one of them was pregnant, my girlfriend tried to contact her and she said not to contact her again. She said that she would call my friend when SHE was ready.

Then, the daughter had her baby, and when my friend did not call her, she found out through the grapevine that the daughter was infuriated that she did not call to congratulate her. I want to smack this kid, but it's not my place. How would you act when you saw her?

Thanks for reading this long story. I really am torn about what to do.

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Comments (14)

jules_y2kok
18 years ago
if i acted that way i am sure my moms best friends would drive over to my house and smack me heck i would expect it!
those kids dont know how good they got it having there mother still here! i wish my mother was still here! and i know if any of her friends found out anything was going on like that i would expect a knock at the door or a phone call! hope everything will be ok
carla35
18 years ago
There are always two sides to every story. I'm guessing maybe some sort of abuse was involved... maybe at the hand of the father.

I can see one, but I can't imagine 3 children deciding not to talk to their mother for no good reason. There's something going on. I really wouldn't get involved or try to make judgement calls without knowing the whole story. Just treat the daughters as you would acquaintances nad be civil to them.

If you feel you must try to get them together or want to help resolve their differences, or talk some sense into them, a wedding is not the time or place.
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I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...
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sue_va
18 years ago
As hard as it might be, I would talk to the girls as though nothing had happened. After all, nothing has happened between you and them, or that you can change. Be pleasant and maybe, just maybe, you can get a clue about the situation.

At least that is the way I would handle it.

Sue
stephanie_in_ga
18 years ago
I think you need to act with them like you do anyone else at the wedding you haven't seen in a while. Friendly, respectful, celebrating the day. You can support your frient without taking sides or trying to fix the situation for her. I think you should not mention any of what your friend has said to you about the estrangement because 1) It's not your conflict. and 2) a wedding is not the time to hash out differences. and 3) it would betray her confidence in you.

I think as a friend, the best thing you can do is remain objective and supportive without judging either side. You don't have to be cold to the estranged daughters to prove your loyalty to your friend. You can treat them like you would treat anyone else you know but have lost touch with. Focus on the good things of the day and don't dwell on the struggles. Every family has struggles, but should set them aside to celebrate a wedding and honor the bride/groom.

Your friend still loves all her children very much, despite whatever they are going through now. So it would not help your friend to have you withhold concern for these young women.

That was sort of rambling, but I hope it helps anyway.
glenda_al
18 years ago
I'm with Sue!
wildchild
18 years ago
I completely agree with Carla. Not necessarily that there was abuse but that the animosity of 3 out four kids has roots you don't know about.

You will be a guest at a wedding and should act as graciously to the DD's as you would to any other guest.

Note to Jules - These are not kids. They are grown women who have made a choice. It is no one's business but their own and those they choose to share their feelings with.
nancylouise5me
18 years ago
I would be cordial. No reason not to be. Like you said you don't know the daughter's side of the story. I would congratulate her (if you haven't already) on the birth of her child. And wish her well. It doesn't mean you are being disloyal to your friend. It means you are staying neutral cause you don't know what happened to start it. Your friend has to work this out with her daughter. Don't get in the middle of a family's squabbles and all the he said she said stuff. Good luck! NancyLouise
stephmc72
18 years ago
I can't imagine that 3 daughters would be so mad at their mother to not have any contact with her whatsoever and the mother has no incling at all as to what is going on? There's always 2 sides to a story.

Of course she's your friend and you know her side so naturally you're mad at her daughters, but I think its best if you just be cordial to them and leave it at that. You don't have to go out of your way to be extra social or friendly with them, but be polite, make insignificant small talk if necessary and really try not to think about it too much or you'll be distracted from the fun of the wedding.
lydia1959
18 years ago
I agree with what Karla said. I don't think you know the whole story. 3 grown women wouldn't abandon their mother without good reason.

I'd go to the wedding and have a good time. Just avoid bringing your friend into the conversation.
sjerin
18 years ago
I had a friend my mother's age who went through this with her grown daughter. In her case, the daughter went to someone who told her she had a suppressed memory of abuse by her father, and that she believed this person; she told her mother that from then on she would have nothing more to do with her mother. I truly believe my friend, who died last fall, had no idea what she was talking about and didn't believe anything had happened. I did come to understand that by her own admission, she and her husband were very lenient with their children. I'm sorry to say that between this daughter and two sons who rarely bothered to visit or call her, she died of a broken heart. I think that girl needs a good shake! Not telling her mother what's bothering her strikes me as very juvenile.
vannie
18 years ago
Exactly what sue va said
joyfulguy
18 years ago
If you've had anything much to do with the daughters at an earlier time, I think that I'd visit them, sooner rather than later, one by one, casually, well before the wedding, in any case.

Wth regard to the one who just had a babe recently, you can visit to offer good wishes, after things have settled down some.

Keep you ears open, and possibly do a slight bit of fishing ... but without being obvious about it.

Whether there's some reason behind the issue, or just something quite slight, if they feel like unburdening themselves to you, perhaps you can ask some questions and offer some suggestions that may be useful.

Bring the pressure down in some of the boilers? Sometimes when people talk about such issues, they feel better.

Perhaps things might ease to the point that the Mom might end up being invited to the wedding?

But nothing like that has any possibility of happening, as things stand ... or so it appears.

Have one or other, or nearly all of these gals had a history of throwing tantrums? Getting unduly mad over (next to) nothing?

Sometimes a person who may be interested in helping facilitate better relations between people where there's anger, not talking, friction, misunderstanding, or whatever ... and friends that one cares about ... needs to remember that we have two ears ... two eyes ... and one mouth.

Also - sometimes one who gets involved with family fights ... gets beat upon by both sides! Best wear armour plate!

Good wishes with whatever course of action you choose to follow.

I hope and pray that things ease somewhat before the wedding. And that the daughter who didn't want to hear from Mom - but was mad when no congratulations appeared at the time of the birth ... decides that life is too short for such (playground fussing?)

Suppose there were something heavy - like abuse ... it seems to me that, even then, if some of the anger and bitterness can be related to and dealt with, things might improve. Perhaps some healing might follow.

People who have been through such difficult times need friends ... and understanding.

Sometimes Moms who were somewhat aware of the situation, and felt in a quandary, need some understanding, as well - going public with such an issue was far more difficult, in earlier times.

Carrying a load of bitterness is corrosive ... to ourselves, more than to anyone else.

Forgiveness is hard to achieve ... but those who were able to summon the courage to find their way through troubled waters to that understanding ... are thankful that they did. Very thankful.

ole joyful
declansmom
Original Author
18 years ago
Thank you all very much for your great advice. I will go to the wedding and be cordial.
The daughter I am speaking of was very controlling even as a child. She demanded attention all the time and has not outgrown that. She now has 2 children of her own, so I was hoping that when she became a mom, she would understand that being a parent is not easy and she might get along with her mom (my friend) a little better. Apparently she has anger towards my friend because she was a very strict mother while this daughter thinks she is the best mom in the world.
Anyway, I truly appreciate all your advice. This forum is the best. Thank you all.
secsteve
18 years ago
joyfulguy: My mom used to say "Acid does more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to what is poured on". If these girls are carrying around some bitterness for whatever reason, in the long run they'll ultimtely be hurting themselfs.

How to Act with Friend's grown children

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How to Act with Friend's grown children

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