Interesting how people are so different wrt to having people in their cooking space. My sister has a u-shaped kitchen and she is quite vocal about simple saying "everyone out of my u". She does have a peninsula on one side and before people arrive she will put out something that needs doing in that area. For eg vegetables that need chopping, or a salad that needs putting together. She puts out everything - the ingredients, knives, bowls etc. And will ask someone to do it - out of her U. I, on the other hand, love having people in my kitchen even when it was a small 9 1/2'x11' closed U. Now that it is 9 1/2' x 20' open U, I can have more people in it and love it even more.

My new kitchen works a lot better with invaders than my old one did. I have a U with umlaut (small island), but a G before. Since I have a huge family, I put in generous aisles so even when they do wander in, I'm not tripping over them. The island keeps there from being an attractive piece of open floorspace in the middle where people could mistakenly think they wouldn't be in the way. People also stay out of the work area more than they used to, maybe because there's less open floor, or maybe because the far side of the island feels more part of the kitchen than the far side of the old peninsula did. I don't know if that's because they're intimidated by the new kitchen, or if it's because I moved the stovetop to the bottom of the U from one of the legs and the people are just dazzled by the blingy hood.

I don't know what magic it holds, but I do know how I manage interlopers. The ones who wander in just to schmooze get given instructions on where the beverages are (entry hall) and the seating is (living room), and are given instructions to help the kids get sodas, or whatever. The ones who want to help are given plating tasks if there are any, and allowed to sit on the far side of my island (equivalent to your peninsula). They are allowed to put vegetables on trays, guacamole in bowls, candy and nuts in the appropriate dishes, even to carry things to the table (though I usually have to go move them). If I have mindless stirring I'll even let a cousin into the kitchen proper to do it, and I'll let the guys carve and toss the salad (they like that). And I let whoever wants to help bring in dirty dishes (but not wash).

My point is, if you're organized, you can be a control freak in the kitchen and still let people have the satisfaction of helping. And if they ask to bring something, I let them bring dessert, fruit and salad. Things that don't require them to invade the work space.

Stop having parties that require you cooking in the kitchen, or have it all done before the guests arrive.

People hang out in my kitchen, even when there is no cooking going on in there! It's small. It's squishy. There are absolutely NO seats. It's downright inhospitable.

And yet!

Gee, epiphany: maybe I need to fix up the rest of the house!

How about a chain across the opening? :)

Thanks for all the funny ideas and great insights. I have a narrow sofa table about halfway between the peninsula and the china/glass/liquor cabinet, and I am going to get right to work on making that table serve as a 'beverage center.' That will take a lot of traffic and nervous energy outside of the kitchen U.

I really appreciate knowing how many others share these issues. I think what I really need is an umlaut with a built-in trigger-happy knife rack. But making the drinks handier is a close second!

I think you should only invite people to your house who don't piss you off when they try to help. Quite frankly, I think the guests who want to help are the valuable friends.

I do think you may want to serve more things that can be made in advance and need less time for you to be in the kitchen. A good host/hostess does not make the guests feel that hosting them is such a burden and requires you to miss your own party.

If someone offers to help (or makes the mistake of walking by) I often ask for help chopping the last minute stuff like veggies, fruit or cheese. I try to make as much in advance as possible, but some things get stale or brown by being done too soon. I am often glad that I get some one on one time with some close friends while we put the finishing touches on things. Once the party gets started, I try not to be in the kitchen for more than a minute or 2 at a time. People come to spend time with you and hopefully, get to enjoy your company.

Our current kitchen and house are so dreary and unhospitable, that I have put off entertaining for the past 4 years, other than bbqs. I really miss having company over inside, as an outdoor party is a whirl of running in and out of the house and less fun for me.

I can't wait to have my new kitchen, and designed it to be especially guest friendly with open shelves, an easily identifiable garbage can, appliance looking appliances, lots of counter space, etc....

Maybe it is just me but it sounds like some of the guests referred to here probably picked up on the stressed out anti-guest vibe and did not enjoy their visit as much as they could have otherwise. I do not have people in my home who I do not like, so I'd hate to feel like they felt in the way and not as welcomed as I intended them to feel.

Dianalo, I think it's great that you have friends who are good to have in your kitchen and make that work well for you. I've done that with my friends too! But I rarely have more than half a dozen friends over at a time, and most of them are good cooks.

Not so the cousins!! Who literally arrive by the dozens. Plural. More than four dozen and I call the caterer, but the immediate family I prefer to cook for myself. My above post isn't about being anti-guest. It's about family who come early because they've come from another event, or they didn't have the bad traffic, and they know they're welcome early so just show up. Even in my new kitchen which is so much easier to cook for dozens in than the old one, there's a tightly run schedule to get everything ready so that when the bulk of the family arrive--on time--I'll be ready and able to join them for holiday rituals and/or conversation before the meal. They're here to see each other as much as to see us, so banishing them to the living room isn't a hardship on them. I love them all, but NOT IN MY KITCHEN.

What an uptight group :-). I specifically opened up my kitchen so that people could hang around and help and keep me company while I'm cooking. Sometimes I tell people there's nothing left for them to do, but they're welcome to stay and watch me stir fry or they can start on the dishes :-)

LOL!!! Maybe your guests aren't standing in the exact spot you need to be in.

The way I see it, if a bunch of guests arrive early and offer to help, that means my carefully planned to do list gets done faster ;)
I'm with you weissman. Many of my friends do not cook as much as I do, but anyone can slice some cheese or cut fruit and veggies.
My friends who stay late and help clean up get a huge thank you from me, although I do say not to worry as I'll get it in the a.m. and will run a few loads of the dw. My dearest friends ignore that and pitch in, just as I do in their homes. It is an opportunity to dish on how the party went and enjoy the rest of the sangria (my specialty) or a good cup of coffee while straightening up.

I'm with Kate. It take so much more time to explain to Aunt Sue how to chop the shallots that I may as well do it myself. Plus, I usually have to re-do their task because what they considered acceptable is not. No, everyone cannot cut fruit or veggies.

People constantly asking me if they can help just slow me down. I'm on a time-line during a party to get everything done at meal time. I'm glad for the people who only have to spend a minute or two in the kitchen during a party. My parties have never worked out that way. My young kids might get sick the days leading up to the party when I should be cleaning the house, organizing piles of school papers, spiffing up the garden, grocery shopping, starting make-ahead dishes, etc. Or DH goes on a week long business trip and returns the morning of the party. Or the toilets in the house stop working. I never can get everything done ahead of time no matter how much I plan. Lots of cooking ends up being done right before and during the start of a party.

My current kitchen is a corridor with a very small entry and exit used frequently by guests during parties. In my new kitchen, I hope to take down some of the walls to open it up and to keep the prepping/cooking areas out of the corridor. I'd like to have a good area for people to socialize with me or each other, but be out from underfoot.

I love to cook and am very good at it, IMHO. My food is a gift I give to my guests who have decided to spend a bit of their precious free time at my house. Just stay out of my way!

In my old kitchen the dishwasher was right at the entrance. My kitchen is so small the most people would never try to come in to help - most people excepting of course my mom, who is not a good cook and not much help at all. Before she would arrive I would open the dishwasher, impeding entrance to the galley kitchen. Unfortunately, in the new layout, the DW is now moving all the way inside towards the window at the end of the kitchen. So I will need instead to open the trash drawer to keep her out!

I would prefer a restaurant. Less unpleasantness.

If you, the hostess, are in the kitchen preparing food when your guests arrive, then expect your guests to migrate to the kitchen. They will want to help, thinking that by helping, they can get you out of the kitchen to enjoy your party. This lesson took me a long time to learn. Now, I make sure that all the food is prepared and set out when the guests arrive, I don't prepare food that needs to be cooked after the guests arrive. Everything can be kept warm or reheated, even Thanksgiving dinner.

Same for clean-up. I clear the table, stack everything in the kitchen and shut the doors.

I'm always a bit puzzled when someone invites me over for a meal, I show up at the designated time, and they spend the next two hours preparing food, and brush off offers of help. By the time we eat, the host/hostess is exhausted and the rest of us have had several hours of socializing with each other and are ready to leave after we've eaten.

I am only uptight when there is someone planted in front of the stove from which their made-in-advance moussaka is due to emerge.

I am only uptight when I have to ask a third time to get by someone to reach the counter where I am setting up the buffet.

I am only uptight when my BIL brings his precious pickled herring to share, only he needs to share it from the counter just to the left of my sink and only with herring aficionados, whom he "invites" one-by-one to "his" corner of the kitchen while I am getting dinner ready.

I am only uptight when some family member who has offered to bring a side dish shows up with groceries in a bag and expects to do all the cooking, start to finish, in my kitchen.

I love my guests and we have a ton of them, so we must be doing something right. I prepare most of my food in advance, but some things just need to be finished at the last minute to be at their best. That's just the way it is. There is very little delegating left to be done, certainly no chopping at that late an hour. I don't expect or want my guests to help cook or help clean up, for that matter.

Guests are guests, IMO. Their business is to have a drink and a little nibble, engage in some pleasant conversation with the cook, and stay the heck out of my path. We have two very comfortable rooms to sit in flanking the kitchen. If there are a dozen people here, I would reasonably expect half of them to find their way to a chair or sofa, not pile up three-deep around my work space.

Uptight? Not me....

Lol, amysrq! My family has taken it up a notch. They hand ME the bag of groceries so I can make the dish THEY offered to bring.

Funny thread. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one....

My old condo's kitchen was so small--about 4 1/2' x 4 1/2'-- that you often had to take things out of the oven and rest them for a minute on the tile floor until you made space. I'll never forget turning around with a blazing hot, fat-popping pan in hand, only to be pushed aside by a guest reaching into the refrigerator for club soda, who then made me stand there holding the pan while continuing his conversation in front of the open fridge. I know it was wrong, but the top of his foot did eventually heal.

One tip: You can fit more guests in your backyard if you bury them upright.

Too funny! amysrq, have you been spying on my parties? That's exactly the way it used to be, but DH has become very good at herding the guests.

marcolo, upright only works as an option if you don't have clay soil.

I don't mind the guests in the kitchen, it is just when they are in "my way" that bugs me.

One year for our Christmas party, we set up the punch bowl, and food in the Living Room, it actally worked....it pulled people towards it...like a big alcoholic magnet. And we also set up a bar in another room. Sometimes we only put the food and beverages out in the kitchen and dining room, but by moving one of the "attractions" to a rarely used area I was able to get some of the crowds out of the busy areas.

So my suggestion is to spread the food and beverages to other rooms and don't serve food/beverages where you don't want the guest to congregate.

There are a few people -- my mom, sister, SIL, a couple of aunts -- that are welcome in my kitchen. All seven of us could be in the L-shaped walkway and we move like a school of fish, close together but never bumping into each other, intuitively knowing when to move out of the way. Everyone else, please get out! :)

This thread is making laugh (especially Marcolo :) but also think. For some reason, guests can more interested in being with you than eating your food - no matter how crabby you are about them being in your kitchen. As a host I want people to feel welcome in my home don't mind people in my kitchen but get that others don't include their kitchen workspace as a place for their guests. Making your opinion known and even being a little self deprecating about your preference can go a long way (I am a little OCD in my kitchen I suggest you stand clear) - a little laugh, they can remember it, non-offensive, etc. It is 'my problem' as the cook, not yours as the guest.

Thinking about my guests (or even myself in other people's home) having something to do not only makes me feel useful but is a way to be part of the party. As others have recommended finding jobs for people can go a long way - find those things that are a little less important to you that they are perfect and delegate so you can keep them out of the kitchen and focus on your cooking priorities.

You may love an elegantly set table, but what about leaving the materials out (plates, table cloth, etc.) and ask Aunt Millie to set it. If you are really particular do one setting as an example. You may be a little peeved that the water glass is on the wrong side but she was out of your kitchen :) My mom used to set auxiliary tasks on the kitchen table, people were out of her way but helping.

I have found that if I do my work at the island versus at the perimeter counter where I would normally work, people at the island pull up a chair opposite to me and socialize. I am facing them, with them, versus having my back to them making them less inclined to come in the work space to get my attention. You could do that at the peninsula - you might not normally work there but if it keeps your BIL in his seat prepping the salad - fantastic!

The bar recommendation is perfect and you can take it further by having someone be the bartender (your FIL that really needs something to do.) Write out a recipe for a mixed drink with all they need (blender, whatever) set up somewhere. If you don't drink - have them make mocktails. You may make the perfect martini but again...that is less important than keeping them out of the kitchen.

Worse case you can send people out - of the house that is - to buy ice or whatever ingredient you are 'missing.. Or maybe have the kids go in the yard with grandma to find beautiful colored leaves for the thanksgiving table. Or maybe to hunt down Sasquatch in the the woods...down the block...for a few hours.

Still Lynnski has the right idea, as do many others. Accept that it's gonna happen and come up with a plan to minimize negative impact.

No need to insult people who have different experiences, layouts, and entertaining styles.

I have a onebutt kitchen, twobutts if they belong to me and my spouse. Extra people helping can be fine if we coordinate, and I don't mind that (except for cleanup--I have standards). If things in my kitchen get too hectic I can and do say everyone out. And they go. What bugs me is when people congregate in the tiniest room in the house when there's no reason to do so. Sheesh even the bathroom has at least one seat! :)

Those who think people with small kitchens who like to limit traffic are bad hosts should perhaps try it some time. Not everyone has an open or large kitchen.

And then there are those guests everyone loves but when you are pulling the Thanksgiving turkey out of the oven, they can be a little annoying by presenting a "gift" of a cooler of shrimp that need to be cleaned and cooked now while they're fresh.

Those who think people with small kitchens who like to limit traffic are bad hosts should perhaps try it some time. Not everyone has an open or large kitchen.

No, you're wrong. It's all in your attitude.

If you're going to invite guests into your home, you simply have to accept skin grafts on your crotch from somebody knocking 375 degree frying oil into your lap. Goodness! It's a party, after all.

Learn to laugh when your kitchen burns down because you can't pull a burning towel off the stove because someone has his head back laughing in front of it. It's more important to share the moment, now, isn't it?

Enjoy the love and laughter of your guests as they spend an entire meal criticizing an underdone roast because they pulled off the foil and carried it into the dining room while you ran behind screaming, "It has to rest," and they overruled you, saying, "No, it's fine!"

Really, if you can't relax, you'll miss the best part of entertaining, which is slicing an entire finger off because a guest insists on reaching between your eyes and your hands at the precise moment you are cutting down, despite being told thirty times to stop doing it.

Honestly, fori, you need to chill out, and remember what kitchens and cooking are for: killing yourself to meet the exacting standards and demanding expectations of bumbling imbeciles.

Laughing out loud at many of these stories!

I can relate, as the first two places I owned had tiny NYC-sized apartment kitchens. Not just one-cook kitchens but one-person kitchens. A guest in the kitchen - heck, even DH in the kitchen during cooking time - made cooking into an obstacle course for the cook.

In planning the layout for my new kitchen, one of my non-negotiables is having a guest area that is far, far out of my prep-cooking pathway. I'd rather the guests mingle with each other and DH in another room while I'm putting the finishing touches on the food. If they really want to be in the kitchen with me, I'm flattered...and happiest if they can stay the heck outta my way.

This thread is hilarious! Honestly, I am not a good enough cook to have people come in the kitchen and interrupt my very hard thinking. The minute they do, I get distracted and forget to pull the enchiladas out from under the broiler (that was last Sat nite). Because I know this, I have everything prepped in advance - then I am more relaxed and can enjoy everyone a bit more.

If you have clay soil and troublesome guests, this works great:

I wonder if a deeper bore would make them stackable?

My 1980s food processor, from back when Robot Coupe made Cuisinarts, also works, but my, it is a tedious process.

Combine the cuisinart & the power auger and all of a sudden your garden is producing tomatoes the size of your head. But I think if you have the first picture at your disposal, you need to back it up with a Tim the Tool Man barking laugh.

marcolo Honestly, fori, you need to chill out, and remember what kitchens and cooking are for: killing yourself to meet the exacting standards and demanding expectations of bumbling imbeciles.

I just LOL'd/snorted. Thank you!

Is the anti-guests-in-kitchen sentiment related to a number? I honestly can't relate to the problem of having guests in the way and being irritated by it. So, that has me thinking, maybe it's because I don't have large parties. I think I've had 6 couples over at most at one time. When I have been to ginormous parties, they have been catered, so no helping there. I wonder if there is an in between number where the guests can overwhelm the space?

Like Dianalo, I enjoy the time spent with my friends that come to help in the kitchen. But most of the time, I have everything cooked and cleaned up before the guests arrive. (At least as much as I can.)

What I really like are the ones that want to help me clean up afterwards. I can not leave dirty dishes overnight. So, I pitch in at my friends houses too. Maybe I am pissing someone off? ;)

This thread elevates throwing a party to a whole new complicated level. I am exhausted at all of the echoing implications of trying to help someone else in their kitchen. What happened to good intentions? Ya'll are scaring me off of parties!!

remember what kitchens and cooking are for: killing yourself to meet the exacting standards and demanding expectations of bumbling imbeciles.

Oh dear, if my guests have exacting standards and demanding expectations, they've definitely come to the wrong house!

I can not leave dirty dishes overnight. So, I pitch in at my friends houses too. Maybe I am pissing someone off? ;)

A few months ago I hosted a family party. Towards the end of things I noticed my cousin helpfully handwashing everything (I have a dishwasher!) with particular brush that I use for scrubbing sink-grid under-gunk and other nastiness. Thankfully she left everything to dry on the counter, so after everyone left I tossed it all in the dishwasher. :)

hat happened to good intentions?

The road to hell, doonie.

Everybody thinks they have good intentions, including the MIL who screams like an infant with a rash if the bride won't wear her old Big Bird wedding dress down the aisle, or the "concerned" neighbor who reports child abuse if your kid cries because he can't have a bowl of Snickers for dinner.

Same with the guests who "only" wants to help, or "only" wants to be with you, as they do a stand-up routine in front of the range at your parties so they can be the center of attention; or play-act Emeril for the crowd by hacking up acorn squash on your marble; or congratulate themselves on their helpfulness as they take half an hour to cut one cucumber while occupying all of your prep space.

I think the hallmark of "good intentions" is actually listening to other people and, where reasonable, doing what they ask. Pretending good intentions is the hallmark of hypocritical grandstanders who secretly worship the devil, and also eat puppies.

The only guest I do not want in my kitchen is the one I was obligated to invite because I like their spouse or they are somehow related to dh and have to be put up with. Then I delegate them out of the room, perhaps to check on the kids.

I must be pretty darn lucky to be one of the few here who enjoys the guests being around me (and their help). My kitchen is quite small in my current house and as long as someone is not dead wood in the middle of the floor, I will gladly work around them as they get more ice from the freezer or grab a sponge because someone has spilled something in the next room.

If something hot is coming out of the oven or I am about to open the oven and need some room. I will make an announcement about the "hot stuff" to come while gesturing with pot holders, and find that guests are wise enough to give me room to deal with it.

It sounds like we are talking a different game when you start saying that all the relatives are running their own agendas and are oblivious to the cook. I don't invite those type of people in the first place.

Many people here are opening walls or extending, so I am surprised at how few people on this thread want to share using their kitchen space with guests. I will be thrilled to show off my new larger kitchen and to actually use it.

idrive 65, Maybe I'm just too blunt. I would have told the cousin what to use and taken the nasty brush from her.

Marcolo, You are making me laugh! I guess it's a case of the do gooders. I promise to listen to what you want done when I come to your house!

Dianalo.....I find myself agreeing again.

I guess I usually only have 2 or 3 couples at a time. And I don't do any political shennanigans, so I'm off the hook with the obligatory invitations. I only have people over that I really like. Guess that keeps the heat off at my kitchen:))

I want to share my food with my guests. Not my pants.

I find it hard to believe that anybody would be glad to have a guest block the sink and force you to pour hot pasta water down your stomach. So I think people who don't find this a problem just have a different experience.

Many people have kitchens that are small but still remotely functional. Meaning, you don't have to stick your hand in the oven to turn on a light switch. I'd love one of those, myself.

Others have friends or relatives who can actually cook. I notice that a real cook already knows where you are going next before you move, and they never seem to get in the way.

People may also live in locations where folks are generally more aware of their position in space. In Boston, no one really understands that two objects cannot occupy the exact same location at the same time until at least their third or fourth collision on the Mass Pike. In NYC, people can weave out of your way even if you're running after them on a pogo stick. In the Midwest, people spend so much time saying, "Excuse me, after you, no please, you go first" that most of them die of old age before ever having completed a left hand turn.

as long as someone is not dead wood in the middle of the floor

AHA!!! Dianalo, that's my family!!! That's what most of us who are screaming "Stay out of my kitchen!!!" are talking about!! Unlike Fori, I have a six butt kitchen. But when the clans come, it's a mob scene and there are already six butts working in my kitchen. Minimum is two dozen people. Full tilt is about 50, only including the ones who live in town, and only including the immediates.

I'm not talking about coming into the pantry area of the kitchen to say hi, or put down a hostess gift (though, PLEASE put your name on it, because I"m not going to remember which was yours!!!!!). I just don't want people lounging around the workspace, as Marcolo has so descriptively described.

Doonie, you're right. A dozen aren't a problem, especially if it's couples and the guys clump.

Many years ago, I anxiously prepared my first Thanksgiving dinner for family and friends. Turkey and all the fixings. Just as the turkey was about ready to come out of the oven, my sister and best friend enter my microscopic kitchen to get drinks out of the fridge and decide (rightfully so) that the fridge and freezer doors are hinged on the wrong side and open too far into the miniscule kitchen space.

They then decide to change the hinges to the other side. They remove all the condiments, etc from the fridge door and put them in my (only) 2'x3' workspace, with the errant door leaning against the wall. Then they remove the top freezer door and somehow (''hold this'') I end up sitting on my kitchen stool with the door in my lap. It is so heavy that I can't stand up and get the blasted thing off me, not that there is any other place to put it anyway.

Then they discover that they need some special @#$%'ing tool to remove the hinges, and head out to the hardware store for same, leaving me there on the stool, freezer door in my lap, ineffectively trying to peer through the oven door to see if the turkey is burning and hoping that the water has not boiled away from the pots of vegetables. My nearly deaf mother is in the living room with the television at max volume and no one can hear me begging, pleading, and whimpering for help as my legs descend into a complete state of numbness.

Sister and friend finally return, remove the freezer door from my lap, and fix the hinges with their newfound tool. I calmly tell them to ''get out of my kitchen'' and then scream ''and stay out of my kitchen.''

Since that time, whenever anyone approaches my kitchen, I merely start to mouth the word ''stay'' and they cower and slink off in the opposite direction. No one is going to mess with me like that again.

P.S. Waiting with bated breath for johnliu to weigh in on this topic.

I have a friend whom I love dearly but not in my kitchen. She is the sort who gets real real close when she talks plus she is a control freak who wants to tell me what serving dishes I should use and so on. She does not stop talking for a second, wants to know what I put in that and where is the thingy majingy and do I think it's time to take the veggie's out and how long do I bake that fish because she only bakes it for this many minutes. Of all the people I know she is the worse cook, in fact she is famous for being a bad cook. Nothing works except maybe the tenth time I tell her to get out and I lose it. Luckily after another vodka martini she forgives me for yelling. I can't take my mother in the kitchen either because she has been faking being senile for over twenty years (since her late forties) so she can get attention for being helpless.
I have a penisula and had one in old kitchen except the old one was raised. I don't mind people there, it's fun, I can even pour their drinks from there but they are not to come into my broken G.
I have one exception to being bothered by people coming in my bubble and that's for polite people who wait to be asked to help put the prepared food on the table...if I ask.

It's really a question of being outnumbered and in a poor defensive position.

You're in your kitchen. The scallops are searing on one burner, the miso-mirin sauce is reducing on another, shao mai is steaming on a third, and you've just slipped the fish under the broiler. Suddenly, over your shoulder, you see three hulking, menacing, shadowy figures enter your kitchen. Your chest tightens and your blood freezes with fear. They come closer. You're trapped in the corner. One is brandishing something menacing. They leer. Another one moves to grab you. It's auntie Miriam and her deadly fruitcake, cousin Rose ''The Huggy One'', and the muscle behind them is in-law What's-His-Face. You wave your wooden spoon, distract them with desperate words, twist and dart, but you can't leave your food. The fish starts smoking, the sauce goes solid, and the scallops are turning to rubber. You shriek. ''My baby! Don't hurt my baby!''. Too late. Rose pins you down, Miriam forces fruitcake in your hands, and you hear, as if in a nightmare, Whats-His-Face intone, ''I think something's burning. Can I help?''

What you needed was time, and help. If you could have taken shelter behind an island, or a timely flambe. Or retreated into a narrow aisle where they were unable to surround you. That would have bought you time to send your telepathic Bat-signal. The Caped Crusader would have dropped into that grim tableau, dispensed cocktails and light patter from his Bat-belt, and ushered Auntie Miriam, Rose, and their henchman to jail, where they'd be forced to nibble at the crudités platter until dinner.

I have a bit of a defensive table. More important, I have SWMBO, who even wears a cape sometimes, and was apparently born to socialize. She gets me out of some tight spots. Unless she is distracted and leaves me defenseless. The other problem is that sometimes she becomes my tormentor, getting in my way as badly as any guest. It is jolting, like Batman showing his dark side. But I guess that hint of darkness is what makes him sexy - that and the codpiece.

Are Miriam and Rose and their helpful hands ever welcome? Never. By the time the guests arrive, I've done all the chopping, slicing, and mixing. Or should have done. The only reason an onion is being diced at the cooking stage rather than already being in a little glass prep bowl, is because I forgot. Which which case, I need that onion diced right [deleted] NOW! not to run around finding Miriam a cutting board, a little bitty knife, a towel, her reading glasses, lotion for her hands, and cement to reattach her hairpiece that was dislodged by my swearing. Absent those embarrassing lapses, I'm going to be cooking, not prepping, when guests arrive.

About that cooking. Naturally, anything that can be cooked ahead, already has been. There's no need for help making the soup, or assembling the salad, or chilling the custard. That all got done hours ago. We'll be down to stuff that is time-sensitive. When the scallops are seared, it wants to be served right away, not after it's cooled to rubber. Ditto the fish, before its cold and limp, the shao mai, before its dry and stiff. So I dont have time for help, and won't have a chance for a do-over. So, even if I had the room, I wouldn't want help.

There are exceptions. For SWMBO's birthday dinner I made way too many dishes, had two portable burners set up because I was out of range burners, and 30 minutes before dinner I was, as they say, ''dans la merde''. I asked my friend to help out by making the hollandaise. He is a good cook, knew exactly what to do, zero instructions. That was a lifesaver.

But for the most part, when the thugs - sorry, guests - arrive, I am at the crucial stage of something I've been working on for 3 to 4 hours. I am hot, sweating, my leg hurts, I've already messed something up, I may be drunk. All I want is for one low-maintenance friend, maybe I.M. or Mrs. M or Dr C.K., to accept a pour of scotch and chat for a bit, maybe hang out, over there and not over here.

I know, it sounds misanthropic, and it is. Cooking for dinner parties is definitely not one big happy family affair, here. Maybe if my kitchen was bigger than everyone else's master bathroom, I'd be less of a grouch.

jterr - with friends like that.....

johnliu - repeat after me... "just a moment and I will be right with you"... and turn away. Use oven mitts if you need a visual cue.... At least your drink won't get warm if you have your mitts on while gulping....

I swear, I would not invite any of the discussed friends/family here. Not that I don't have some awful relatives of my own, but I have learned not to socialize with people who bring me grief and more certainly, not to have them in my home.

I am also at the point of my life that I only hang around friends who are a positive force in my life and who do not piss me off on a regular basis. I used to think you had to keep up with old friends because they have been your friends for so long, but realize some spring cleaning is needed from time to time and longevity is not the only measure....
While I don't recommend a crisis, I have found that that is the perfect time to figure out who is truly a friend and who isn't.

Invite the friends, make them feel cherished and don't begrudge them helping out and feeling useful. The ones who are oblivious to your obvious hints and distress are not the kind of friends you want.

It's really a question of being outnumbered and in a poor defensive position.

You're in your kitchen. The scallops are searing on one burner, the miso-mirin sauce is reducing on another, shao mai is steaming on a third, and you've just slipped the fish under the broiler. Suddenly, over your shoulder, you see three hulking, menacing, shadowy figures enter your kitchen. Your chest tightens and your blood freezes with fear. They come closer. You're trapped in the corner. One is brandishing something menacing. They leer. Another one moves to grab you. It's auntie Miriam and her deadly fruitcake, cousin Rose ''The Huggy One'', and the muscle behind them is in-law What's-His-Face. You wave your wooden spoon, distract them with desperate words, twist and dart, but you can't leave your food. The fish starts smoking, the sauce goes solid, and the scallops are turning to rubber. You shriek. ''My baby! Don't hurt my baby!''. Too late. Rose pins you down, Miriam forces fruitcake in your hands, and you hear, as if in a nightmare, Whats-His-Face intone, ''I think something's burning. Can I help?''

What you needed was time, and help. If you could have taken shelter behind an island, or a timely flambe. Or retreated into a narrow aisle where they were unable to surround you. That would have bought you time to send your telepathic Bat-signal. The Caped Crusader would have dropped into that grim tableau, dispensed cocktails and light patter from his Bat-belt, and ushered Auntie Miriam, Rose, and their henchman to jail, where they'd be forced to nibble at the crudités platter until dinner.

I have a bit of a defensive table. More important, I have SWMBO, who even wears a cape sometimes, and was apparently born to socialize. She gets me out of some tight spots. Unless she is distracted and leaves me defenseless. The other problem is that sometimes she becomes my tormentor, getting in my way as badly as any guest. It is jolting, like Batman showing his dark side. But I guess that hint of darkness is what makes him sexy - that and the codpiece.

Are Miriam and Rose and their helpful hands ever welcome? Never. By the time the guests arrive, I've done all the chopping, slicing, and mixing. Or should have done. The only reason an onion is being diced at the cooking stage rather than already being in a little glass prep bowl, is because I forgot. Which which case, I need that onion diced right [deleted] NOW! not to run around finding Miriam a cutting board, a little bitty knife, a towel, her reading glasses, lotion for her hands, and cement to reattach her hairpiece that was dislodged by my swearing. Absent those embarrassing lapses, I'm going to be cooking, not prepping, when guests arrive.

About that cooking. Naturally, anything that can be cooked ahead, already has been. There's no need for help making the soup, or assembling the salad, or chilling the custard. That all got done hours ago. We'll be down to stuff that is time-sensitive. When the scallops are seared, it wants to be served right away, not after it's cooled to rubber. Ditto the fish, before its cold and limp, the shao mai, before its dry and stiff. So I dont have time for help, and won't have a chance for a do-over. So, even if I had the room, I wouldn't want help.

There are exceptions. For SWMBO's birthday dinner I made way too many dishes, had two portable burners set up because I was out of range burners, and 30 minutes before dinner I was, as they say, ''dans la merde''. I asked my friend to help out by making the hollandaise. He is a good cook, knew exactly what to do, zero instructions. That was a lifesaver.

But for the most part, when the thugs - sorry, guests - arrive, I am at the crucial stage of something I've been working on for 3 to 4 hours. I am hot, sweating, my leg hurts, I've already messed something up, I may be drunk. All I want is for one low-maintenance friend, maybe I.M. or Mrs. M or Dr C.K., to accept a pour of scotch and chat for a bit, maybe hang out, over there and not over here.

I know, it sounds misanthropic, and it is. Cooking for dinner parties is definitely not one big happy family affair, here. Maybe if my kitchen was bigger than everyone else's master bathroom, I'd be less of a grouch.

Oops.

johnliu, It sounds completely nightmarish! I get it now. Thanks for the description, it was a jewel of a story. The moral may be to minimize the number of times it's necessary to have nonhelpful insensitive clods who can not cook over for dinner. This is especially true for those who consider their kitchen a place of refuge for the creation of culinary masterpieces. Either that or a caped crusader. Other than that I can not think of a physical layout to keep said "guests" out of the nave of the kitchen.

With the exception of family holiday meals, which inevitably involve someone else's unruly kids running through the kitchen at the most inopportune times, my annoyances with guests in the kitchen relate more to clean-up than cooking. We entertain enough, often for groups of 75 or more, that I have figured out how to prepare enough in advance and manage bodies once they are there. The new kitchen has helped tremendously, since there's a natural work-only area that I can shoo people out of fairly easily.

Clean-up is a different story. I am very particular about how things are cleaned up and where they go, and as hard as it seems to be for others to understand, I REALLY would rather do it myself (actually, my sweet husband does most of it) after everyone leaves. There are certain tasks that are quite helpful if someone pitches in (generally just picking up dishes and such from around the house and bringing them to the kitchen), but for the most part, it's easier for me to do the rest than to explain to someone else how I like it done--and if it's not done how I like it, then it really isn't help at all. While you're here, I'd rather enjoy your company than worry about what you're using to scrub my special pan, where you're hiding my serving utensils, or whether you're gouging my soapstone.

"It's really a question of being outnumbered and in a poor defensive position."

Oh Johnliu, you had me (laughing) at 'a poor defensive position." You and Marcolo are guaranteed to put a smile on my face.

I am doing a test guest run at the end of the month with my family and my new kitchen. It's still a galley but the new version has tons more storage and a wider transit aisle and...a DISHWASHER! Still, I also prefer that people not gather in there and most especially agree with Holligator. It's the clean up that drives me mad. If it isn't my batty old MIL helping my husband by drying everything then putting it all in the wrong place, it's my obnoxious stepmother actually refusing to get out and let us organize and clean up.

I love them, I really do. But I have a system, it works well and as has been said I truly prefer that everyone be my guest. Literally. Not my sous chef. Not my dishwashing assistant. And not my butt-bumping chat buddy while I"m trying to get dinner for 25 on the table!

LOL!!! No, Doonie, these are people one loves!! One wants to feed them. One just doesn't want them in the way.

All the posts have been so funny!

I myself am one of those "everyone in the pool" kind of cookers. I happily burn this and overcook that for an extra 45 minutes of companionship with my guests. Rather than regale you with how I like people to behave at my house I wanted to tell about a dinner at a friends house I went to recently.

A lovely couple invited us over for dinner that very evening. Assuming it was just a casual, last minute meal we head over as is.

Once there we sat for almost 4 hours at one of those oh so popular glass topped tables perched on thin metal poles. You know, the kind that always seem destined to tip over? As soon as we arrived we were escorted to our positions. Our places were set already with the napkins being set out "placemat" style on the diamond with our bowls centered, silverware on one side, and our water glasses at the peak of the diamond. We spent the entire night uncertain if we were supposed to unload all the dishes to get to the napkin (what other options were there? Later, I actually asked and was told... we just aren't napkin users here...) and therefore spent the time continually dipping my sleeve in the food as we reached through it for the water glasses.

In the meantime, what was thought to be an impromptu meal immediately became a 4 course meal of fabulous food. Heavy rolls/salad, Venison stew, clafotis, and finally chocolate cake with 2 different types of sauce AND hand whipped cream. It was EXACTLY like being at a restaurant where we had no choice of what was being served. (and yes, that's TWO dessert courses and both of them very rich...) The woman buzzed in and out of the kitchen to the dining room and back again leaving us sitting alone at the table for long stretches of time until the husband came home from work (who wants to immediately demand attention from a host that has just arrived from an HOUR AND A HALF bus ride home at the end of his work day? apparently us! GAH.) And then he joined us to sit at the table in a mostly awkward silence.

It's difficult to convey just how weird the entire situation was. We started talking about how best to get out of there about 20 minutes into the situation. I would have prefered to have eaten purina cat chow on the kitchen floor if I could have eaten it with my friend... rather than being placed in what I consider to be one of the worst nights of my adult life.

To me, I don't go to someones house for DINNER. I go for COMPANIONSHIP. For me that difference is crucial, crucial, crucial. I can tell you that we will never accept an invite from this couple again without getting alot more details up front!

WITH all of that said, I designed my kitchen open to the dining room so that as people rested and ate I could at least speak with them as I cooked if necessary... while making the actual ENTRY into that cooking space as small as possible. You cannot accidentally wander into my kitchen.

Read some of these wildly disparate impressions about the rightness and wrongness of having people in your kitchen while hosting. Geez I’d always thought that we are all different, some LOVE the hustle and bustle of a crowd, jostling and laughing and working togehter. Others find that distracting and harder to get the food on the table. We are just different and we have different comfort levels for different things. Can we cut each other some slack? To each their own. Can we offer suggestions - when requested - if we have something of value to help another who shares our particular preference? I imagine someone from a large family wihth many siblings might find it easier to share a kitchen than for a lone child with no sibs? Regardless, it is a personal decision which is not a moral decision.