My Daughter & SIL Are Building a "Cottage"
monicakm_gw
9 years ago
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caminnc
9 years ago
PROBeverlyFLADeziner
9 years agoRelated Discussions
Attn: ellendi & all. My daughter/Grammy issue from Patty's thread
Comments (40)I'm not saying it's all my SIL's doing. I'm wondering if that isn't the case because of his upbringing and the things he's said about working his parents. This was said during a private conversation with my SIL, that I can not discuss on an open board. Not at this time anyway. I'm sorry I cannot explain more. I doubt I'll ever know for sure where the better gramma comment came from. It doesn't matter where it originated, it anyway, it still hurt like, pardon my french, H E double hockey sticks! As for Patty's comments that were quoted, she said "could be" meaning she wasn't sure either. We're just discussing the possibilities here, trying to find answers, not accusing anyone. Up until this point, I've had no real concern about our SIL. Even now I can't say that I don't like him. I'm not happy with his reaction to my needing sleep while on vacation, though if I were to write up a pros and cons, I'm sure the pros would outweigh the cons by a long shot. Being married, with in laws, myself, I realize it's not always easy blending the ways of both families into one that works for all involved. My MIL was downright rude about the way I did things when I first married her oldest son. Being brought up on the Thumper Rule, I was shocked! It seemed to me that there wasn't a thing I did right and she pushed the issue with my hubby, which to me it seemed he sided with her. Looking back, I realize he was just being quiet, not wanting to take either side, where I was hoping for comfort. I'm sure he didn't understand why I was being so "sensitive" as his family does not hold anything back! From the outside it might look like they don't love each other. From the inside, where I've been for over 34 years now, I've learned that it's their way of keeping each other accountable. Not a bad thing, but boy did it take a while to understand that. I'm very much a "Thumper Rule" sore of person still and find it very hard to "step on someone's toes" so to speak and tell them I don't like what they are doing unless they ask outright. I like harmony and was blessed to live a very harmonious life throughout my whole childhood. Up until the move to big bad Omaha, during the mid sixties, I thought everyone loved each other. Family or not. My family life was still "perfect". Maybe that's why I don't know how to deal with my current situation. I don't believe a MIL should butt her nose into her children's marriages. It's a new and personal relationship that needs to grow on its own. There will be ups and downs, but it's not my place to push my way in and tell either of them how to live their married life. However, after being treated the way I was, I feel I do have the right to let my feelings be known so they know why we will not be staying at their home again and the reason's why. Personally, I'd like to tell the in laws or anyone else that happens to stay at their home, that our daughter did not learn that way of treating guests from me, but I will not do so unless they bring it up. LOL ellendi you are so right. I want to have a good relationship with both my daughter and her husband. I pray they have as great a marriage as her Dad and I have had and his parents, have in their second marriages. I do believe it's best to talk to our daughter alone the first time. After that, if we Skype while her husband is there and he brings it up, I'll discuss it. Otherwise, I don't feel I know him well enough yet to bring it up over Skype. Which is part of the problem. Neither of us know each other that well yet. The first time we visited he was on duty during the day. When he arrived home, both hubby and I noticed a vibe from him that we felt, he needed family time, so we'd head back to our hotel shortly after he arrived home. The second time when hubby and I stayed with them, our SIL was off duty for the week and we did lots of activities together. We spent Christmas day on the beach. I don't go into any water with fishes (don't ask LOL) so I sat on the beach, playing with the baby while they all boogie boarded. A couple days later, I volunteered to stay home so they could go snorkling without having to worry about the baby on the beach in the sun. The beach they were going to didn't have a good place for those that didn't come to snorkel. No shade. Hubby and I had baby duty, of course, and it became very tiring for us both. One would change her while the other ran down to the kitchen to make her bottle. Neither of us got much sleep that week and were exhausted when we got home agreeing next time we'd try and get a cottage on the beach or stay in a hotel suite. I don't know if this trip would have turned out better had my hubby been with me. His guess is they wouldn't have treated me the way they did. We'll never know. Now I'm just waiting for the time to pass so I know our daughter is away. She and the baby sleeps until around 9:30 Hawaii time, which is five hours behind where I live. It's not even seven am there....See MoreDaughter's messy house...
Comments (64)Honesty doesn't always end up on a good note. After visiting our son and family, cross country from us, four years ago, I again came home totally depressed about the state of their home and concerned for our three grandchildren. I have not been out there since. Since neither our son or our daughter in law are "approachable" about the concerns my husband, I and our adult daughter had about the state of things, I wrote a letter to them. Then there was a series of e-mail exchanges and the final email from our son which stated that he and our daughter in law wanted no more contact with any of us. At the time, our daughter in law was going through a real rough time because her father was terminally ill, across country from her and she was an only child...a latch key child. Neither she or our son had been the tidiest of people but their house was never dirty, etc. until the children came along, fifteen years into their marriage. She worked until the children were born. She is now a stay at home mom. She is a very doting mother. I would call our son an absentee parent in that he comes home from work, requires "me" time for at least a half hour before he interacts with the family. He spent very little time with them the children as compared to our daughter in law who carted them everywhere, swim lessons, 4H, the zoo every weekend. Sometimes we thought she got out of the house with the children because she just needed to get away. Our son is an engineer with an MS and our daughter in law has a BS in horticulture. She used to have an incredible garden and landscaped yard (with little help from our son). For years my daughter in law and I had regular phone conversations about the challenges of raising children. She was 35 when she had the first child, a girl, now 14. The second girl was born two years later and then they had a son two years later. None of her pregnancies were easy and either her mom or I went out to help after the first child was born. They didn't ask either mom to be there for the first birth. My husband and I did not visit very often prior to the children as we were both still working and our son and daughter in law had little vacation and time for themselves. When the grandchildren came along, we visited one a year, during our vacation. Our son and wife usually came "back home" for a visit once a year and split their stay between her parent's house and ours. Our oldest grandchild has problems with depression and low self esteem. She started seeing a therapist. She actually asked me to be present for a session on my last visit out there. Our middle grand daughter has anger management issues and our grandson was diagnosed with autism, although he is high functioning. Their household was chaotic and their visits "back home" were as well. The children had poor eating habits and usually were not in bed before midnight and were not quiet--very rambunctious all night long. So, bottom line, you can love them, offer them help and they may turn on you. I ended up seeing a therapist for a year to try and figure out "what was wrong with me." I sometimes wish we had never expressed our concerns. At least we might still be seeing our grandchildren even though it wasn't always the best experience. My best to all of you. A good resource for estranged parents is: Sheri McGregor, author, writer, speaker. She has experienced estrangement....See Moreconfused about my dear SIL
Comments (20)Cynical maybe, but building a wing onto the house gratis & sending a bill for $140 after the fact don't sound within the same character; I'd bet money exchanged hands for the construction of that wing. I once did some work for a woman whose sister had gotten their parents involved in something like this. Daughter #1 lived nearby & Daughter #2 lived out of state. The father had Alzheimer's, & the mother, though fragile herself, took care of him. At some point, #1 talked her parents into building a new home "together" where the parents would have their own wing & #1 could care for them forever. It involved parents deeding their home & acreage to #1. #1 gets a loan, secured by the property, & builds a big brick house in front of parents' little frame house, but, too bad, within just a few months after they close, her parents are suddenly in need of too much care for #1 so she applies for a subsidized nursing home for them. At this point, #2 hears about it for the first time. #2 has been talking to her parents all along, but they have been cautioned to keep all this stuff a secret because #1 told them that #2 "wants to control everything & will put you in a home". #1 was smart to want to keep it a secret. #2 is a banker married to a lawyer. #2 sues for conservatorship & for reimbursement from #1, government denies subsidized care because assets have been transferred to a child within the "look-back" period. #2 has to pay for care for her parents because #1 won't let them stay in *their own house* until litigation is settled, claims it's now hers & she needs to put tenants in it to pay her legal bills; #2 says #1 obtained the house fraudulently & does not have the right to rent it until litigation is settled & unless the court finds that #1 does own it; otherwise, #2, as conservator, should determine what is done with the house, & if it's rented, the rent should go to their parents. By the same token, #1 can't sell the house she's built because there's a cloud on the title due to #2's suit which claims #1 obtained the land it's built on by fraud. At that point, I lost track of the family, don't know how things finally fell into place....See MoreFinally, my crooked little cottage is getting finished!
Comments (29)Thanks Louisianapurchase! Ernie and I went out to the gym this morning, it is so, so nice to have plenty of room. I was working out in a space about half this size and had to move things every time I changed exercise or when I wanted to get the treadmill out. It's so nice to be able to set up and just roll through the work out. While I would have loved to have my desk in front of the windows, the sacrifice was worth it. Now I can set up and work out on both sides of the bench when doing alternating sets. I love the two walls of mirrors too. And everything is organized, what a dream! Doing step ups on one side : Then walk around to do split squats on the other, no having to move anything or change weights. Once I have the other bar it will work even better. Now Ernie's take on this. He says he can't understand why mom is keeping all her stuff in his Corgi Cottage, but if it makes her happy he is willing to share. As far as the weight lifting stuff, it was very boring. First she put me in puppy jail, something about her being tripped or me getting squished .. she is silly like that. I tried to remind her how fast I can run and dodge .. but what ever. So I used this time to recharge my batteries. Now I don't understand the whole cardio thing either .. she could just chase me, then we both would be having fun! On the plus side though .. when she got on the eliptical I was sprung from jail. I found her nasty lifting gloves and had my way with them, well until she saw me! It was almost as good as rolling dead worms outside. :)...See MoreUser
9 years ago
mtnrdredux_gw
9 years agotracie.erin
9 years agoUser
9 years ago
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9 years ago
mitchdesj
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amykath
9 years agoMike121
9 years agomonicakm_gw
9 years agodeeinohio
9 years agoIt sort of reminds me of one of my favorite houses: the house in the movie Housesitter, in which the bedroom was separated from the rest of the house with a glass walkway.
Here is a link that might be useful: Housesitter home
scpalmetto
9 years agojennybog
9 years agomonicakm_gw
9 years agojennybog
9 years ago
fouramblues
9 years agochicagoans
9 years ago
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