This is how we resolve it here. I win.

First, of course, I listen to him. And actually he is very good at this and so I do often come to see his point of view (especially on layout, which he totally revamped after the professional had "finalized" it).

But in the end I win, because i care a lot more about such things. I am the one buying most decor items, decorating for holidays, entertaining, and cooking. So if there is a controversy, he cedes.

i think I'll keep him

Do you think you'll be disappointed? I will pass on something my neighbor said when she heard I was remodeling the kitchen. She had done hers just a few years back, and without my asking, she said "I must tell you, we got soapstone counters, and they are beautiful, but if your kitchen gets a lot of use, you need to know that they do get dinged and scratched. I probably wouldn't do it again." She didn't have any kids still at home, just the two of them. I know many other people love their soapstone, and this is second hand, but I thought I'd toss that out. If you think of dings as patina, and you love soapstone, then you should probably get it. Even the cost of leathered granite is too much to pay for something you don't really love. Can you spend less on something else?

My DH used to care about every tiny little minute riduculous decision about the house and its contents. We had some epic battles over some decisions. I still regret the few things I gave in on when we both had strong feelings. Two of the biggies have now been ripped out. Now, fortunately for me, he doesn't much care. He wants me to be happy. I get what I want.

When he does care, like when we saw some Pietra del Carodoza he liked a few weeks ago for the island, I let him talk it up. I listened. I considered. I don't let us make a decision on the spot. I decided against it, but didn't tell him. Gradually, his initial lust wears off. Then I slowly start to say that I MIGHT be leaning towards wood instead of the Pietra. I hint occassionally for a week, but let him talk about his feelings more. (He's big on feelings. Like a girl.) The next week I push a little harder and he starts to give. I've heard his feelings, after all. Then I just make the decision I want.

It sounds to me like you'd regret not getting the ss. You've been wanting it for years. Can you let him have his pick on something else he wants where you don't care as much?

I don't mind the idea of dings and scratches - but DH does. I don't want to put in something that he hates just because I love it. He loves to cook and uses the kitchen almost as hard as I do. But I'm a SAHM, and have been using my free time to research, read reviews, draw up floor plans, look for inspiration pics, etc. I guess I feel kinda like "Oh sure, now that checks have to be signed, you want to help make the decisions. Where have you been when I've tried to talk about this for the past 6 mos." But really, I know that's unfair because where he's been is working 50+ hr. weeks so that we can have a new kitchen, family rm. and mud room. He's the rare kind of guy that does care about such things - at least when he finally stops to think about it. And while we've always made these kinds of decisions together, he does tend to trust my design choices more than his own - so usually I do win. This is unusual for him to ask me to compromise.

Breezy - you make me laugh, but mostly because I have used that technique myself! I truly LOL at "He's big on feelings. Like a girl" :-D As for "giving him something else" - I'm letting him do the laundry room in his college colors. It's Virginia Tech, look it up! :) We both love color, and if it is a little bold and wacky in a space like the laundry room, what do I care - makes it a fun space. How many husbands want to have say in the design and decor of a laundry room? I figure not too many, so he can have at it.

Ginny - I think that's my big problem. If I knew for sure that I would be disappointed, this would be easy - I'd tell him that and we'd probably look at other ways to cut cost. But I was kind of surprised that I didn't hate the granite - and I genuinely wanted to go to the stone yard with an open mind, fully knowing he wasn't sold on soapstone. I think I am more worried about the function then the look - I've heard staining can be problematic . . . . but is that a worse patina than chips and dings? I don't really know. Of course, that and the fact that my knew counter won't defrost my dinner in record time - I have to admit, it's a gadget-y kind of feature I really get excited about. LOL!

I'm a SAHM now too with my 19 month old. I've been the one working so hard on the plans, researching materials, solving construction problems, finding subs, etc. I know what you mean about a DH suddenly coming in (for me 19) months later to make their voice heard. Sometimes i think that since I've done all the work, I should get the final choice. Having my DH not care anymore has been a blessing, but also sometimes a bit of a curse when I have trouble deciding myself.

Have you explained to him how much you really want ss? Do you think he really understands? Have you gotten a sample of the black pearl to do your own testing?

Maybe you could start finding posts about the potential problems with the granite and read them to him. If he knows the downfalls he might change his mind.

On a side note, DH wasn't sold on an early idea of ss on the island until he touched a counter at the fabricator's showroom. He really liked how it felt.

I think we are married to the same man. We are about to start looking for granite, and I am already dreading it, as he is in love with shiny granite from 15 years ago, and I am wanting more of a honed look.

(I am not dogging polished granite. It's lovely. Just that the samples he is drawn to are more dated than those I've seen here.)

My two cents (new to this forum): Because you have been doing all of the research, you are more emotionally tied to the choice of countertop. And because you are a SAHM, you will be looking at the countertop more than he will. You don't want to walk by the counters sighing every time, wishing the granite were soapstone.

You might be able to bargain if you can compromise on something else. Like putting off a vacation or getting less expensive fixtures. I compromised on a lesser quality paint so that I could get marble countertops.

You might want to sit him down and summarize your research. Collect testimonials and images of soapstone kitchens from the web. And if it makes sense with the period of your house to use soapstone, rather than granite, that is a great point to make.

Soapstone is a classic material so even if you redid your kitchen after your kids are older, you could keep the same countertop and redesign around it.

My DH and I certainly discuss different options, but the final decision is usually mine. As long as it's marginally functional, he doesn't much care how it looks, so he defers to me to make those sorts of decisions. He likes the shiny look of granite while I prefer the matte finish of soapstone. But he knows I'm the one that's going to be cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, so it will probably be up to me in the end. The fact that we could save money by DIYing the soapstone - something not possible with granite - will likely seal the deal.

As far as knowing whether the compromise is worth it, that's a much trickier issue. There's no real equation for it. You've got to decide for yourself if the monetary tradeoff is worth the aesthetic and functional differences. For us, I think I'd choose whichever is cheaper. But the granite cost would include fabrication whereas the soapstone would be just material cost with DIY slabs. At this point in our lives, the upfront cost is probably more important than the extra maintenance of having to seal granite periodically, which is mostly time and labor not money.

I'm as TKO as many but lets be honest it's a work surface in a room with a functional purpose. I'm not hearing\seeing your commitment to soapstone. Stay open go look at it again, maybe bring some (of both) home and runs some tests (together) to see which might better suit your needs. Design is supposed to be a somewhat creative process in which there can be many happy accidents. Unfortunately for some folks they create very rigid framework (design concept) and the only successful outcome is to replicate that to the nth degree. What most trades people and creative folks will tell you is sometimes the reality of the process changes the concept. You can embrace the reality or fight it, my recommendation is enjoy the process and take some time (if you have it) to think about doing the kitchen with the leathered black pearl and see how you feel about it and the savings.

Beyond the functional is there that huge an aesthetic difference? Ask yourself if that difference is worth however much more you will pay for the ss. No right or wrong answer but it might help you make your decision.

Like most wives I tend to think husbands know when they are being "handled". Works for a time but resentments can build up.

Thank you Cary - that was actually quite helpful. I do enjoy the process, and I do try to be open minded. And your statement regarding a rigid design concept really hit home. I am not the type to sigh with disappointment every time I walk by something - I take ownership of any decision I helped make . . . however, we've never done a project this big or extensive or one that feels this permanent. I definitely think our next step is the one you suggested of getting adequate samples and doing tests together at home based on how we really use our space.

I have the same husband. Everything was completely up to me... as long as it was what he had in mind! We're more than halfway through our process, but in the midst of the major daily decision period. Do test run the soapstone. I was amazed at how easily the soapstone edges dinged when glanced it with a saucepan, and at how metallic marks were left on the surface. That would have driven me crazy.

My new mantra is "stop spending so much money." I'm completely obsessed over everything now, but I realize eventually it will be my working kitchen and the groovy expensive add on wouldn't have made a huge difference in my daily life. I've seen beautiful leathered granite in kitchens and it looks timeless and durable.

I love leathered granite, although I did end up with polished. I was interested in light leathered ones, like Ivory Fantasy and Colonial Cream. The dark leathered ones showed oily finger prints at the stoneyard. Maybe they get sealed and this problem goes away? Anyone have one of these?

Did you and your husband touch the black pearl to see if it made marks? I'm just thinking that both kinds of stone might have drawbacks. You may also be able to find a different dark honed granite that you really love. Some people on here have used Virginia Mist honed.

I agree with caryscott - is the ss worth the difference in price to you? These compromises to stay in budget seem so big now, but once the kitchen is done, it won't matter. It will be gorgeous.

I looked at every slab in town. I kept thinking I'd found what I wanted, but there was always a reason why it wouldn't work. I ended up with something entirely different from what I expected. That could happen to you!

And yes, I have the same husband as all of you. I go around and look for stuff within budget, then he overrides every choice I've made - usually picking something more expensive! Apparently, it's OK if he spends the money.

In my first post, I wanted to help you argue your point...because we have all been there. But thinking about it again and after seeing pics on the web, I realized (duh) that leathered black granite is not so far off aesthetically from the look of soapstone. Disclosure: I dont know how they compare in feel, only how they look.

I don't mean to diminish the problem, but I don't think it will matter that much in the overall design scheme. Still, sampling the two is a good idea. Overall, I wouldn't stress about it. I don't think you will be unhappy with the granite. I think I would go for the granite in this case, if it is indeed cheaper. But be sure to let us know what happens. :)

Hi controlfreak...

In reading your thread, I wanted to see some leathered granites...Found this GW thread from not too long ago..There are some gorgeous counters to be seen.

Good Luck!

KA:)

Here is a link that might be useful: Leathered granite thread

Thanks everyone! You are all so helpful. It's great to hear all the experiences of the BTDT crowd.

Loved the pics KA! That first picture of the Impala was very similar to the Black Pearl sample we saw.

Deep down I am pretty sure I will be happy with whatever we choose. The reason I know that is because DH would never bully me into choosing something I really wasn't okay with. He's way better than that, and so am I. I think I was getting a little sad at the thought of not getting the kitchen I dreamed of . . . what I need to remember is that doesn't mean I won't be getting a dream kitchen! Just that the dream can change. :)

I too, had an extremely difficult time deciding on countertops. I fell in love with soapstone, but also heard all the bad press. In the end, we chose soapstone on the perimeter countertops, and a leathered granite on the kitchen island. We love it! It's the best of both worlds. I've had the soapstone for about 9 months, and have not experienced any of the dinging or scratching. It's wonderful being able to put a hot pot on the countertop or having wine spill with no stains! Good luck!

Hi~

Just chiming in about soapstone. We had it in our last kitchen and I hope to put it in our next kitchen. LOVE it. We used the counters heavily, never babied them, SAHM to young kids(meaning lots of kitchen time, sometimes leaving things overnight due to busy bedtimes, etc). Not a scratch, chip, ding, nothing-not even around the sink. You love it, go for it. Easy for me, my dh "um hums" me on all kitchen planning while watching sports. Works for me!
Here's a pic to sway you!! Good luck. And Breezy, I laughed out loud, too.

Katie

Well, you could look at my suggestion as seeking a win-win, or you could look at it as devious co-opting. Your choice.

Have you considered DIY soapstone? It would be cheaper than the granite. You can (and perhaps should) choose a somewhat harder soapstone. Is DH at all handy? You could (and here is the devious co-opting) play to his ego to see if he would be willing to do the install himself. He gets some buy-in, you get SS, you both save some money. Could it work for you two?

My dh was fairly hands off because it meant I spent my time and he could breeze along without sweating the details. I'd try to involve him and show him some choices, but usually, he did not care enough to veto anything and he'd go with whatever I wanted.
When it came to counters, we considered a ton of different directions. We had considered (seriously) marble, soapstone, stainless, granite, and ended up with wanting a laminate with a retro look with chrome edgebanding. It was reasonable, most appropriate for the style and look we were shooting for and we were both on board with it.
When we went for the final time to Ikea before ordering our cabs, they were running a 40% off special on countertops, so we figured we should make sure we check through all their options before going ahead. Dh walked past a display kitchen with Corian Rain Cloud and was in love. Once he saw that, he had to have it. I was unconvinced to put it mildly. I decided to think about it and see if it would be ok with me after sleeping on it. I came to like it too and figure if it means so much to him, I should let him take the lead on it. I could have held my ground and stuck with the laminate plan I had come to really like, but I saw how excited it made him and I have to admit it was nice.
We ended up going with the Corian and it really looks good. I can't say it is better than what we had planned to do, but it has its points and is just about equal to me and way ahead to him. I had made most of the other decisions and he did not give me grief, so it was simply his turn.

If you have been reading here, I hope you have seen that different varieties of soapstone wear very differently. Some are hard, some are not--to the point where I think they belong only in an intentionally rustic or old-world kitchen. Know the characteristics of your specific stone before you buy it.

This was just what I needed to read this morning, to remind me of what's important. I've been trying to do a minor facelift on our kitchen. The purple carpet and countertops didn't bother DH as a bachelor, but they make it hard for me to feel at home. They're tricky to decorate around, and so far from anything I'd pick. So I explored the cheap options - painting, plywood, IKEA butcherblock, self-refacing laminate - all while DH insists we don't need new countertops. Yesterday, I realized our laminate wasn't in good enough shape to just re-surface, so I drug DH by the countertop dept. at Home Depot, and suddenly he has input. He doesn't want formica, doesn't like my soft gray pearl soapstone that I spent weeks debating and finally embracing into my vision. He wants Samsung Staron Solid Surface, which is more expensive and not my taste. We can kind of agree on a color I don't hate...but I haven't yet reconciled my beadboard backsplash & white cab kitchen with this new, plasticky surface. When I want opinions, he has none, then jumps in late to dash my carefully formed vision. Having said that, however, I want him to be a part of this and to feel comfortable in our home. So, I'll probably relinquish my vision and settle for workable kitchen that isn't as offensive as the purple was. I hope I don't regret it.

While we all have our own battles, I think you're lucky that the option your DH fell for is pretty close aesthetically to your dream. I like the idea of testing your samples so both you & your DH can make informed decisions. Good luck & let us know how it goes!

Jessicaml -- I don't know how long you've been married, but DH and I have been married a good while now and we have decided that all decorating decisions get made by whichever one of us cares more. It just complicates things when we both get involved, especially if one person is coming in late after the other one has already been through the decision process and gotten invested in something. So when we had the house resided and he REALLY wanted the house to be gray, and I was sort of leaning to warmer colors but wasn't bothered by gray, we went with gray. Same with the roof when we replaced that; he cared more than I did about the color so I was content to let him choose (they all looked about the same to me anyway). But paint color for our renovated bathroom was my decision, because I cared more (he liked my horrible first choice before I learned to always bring home a sample jar, but he didn't even blink when I said it had to change). We have to either replace or reupholster one of our sofas now, and he has asked me to please make myself happy and leave him out of the decision. ha! He has said the same about the kitchen when we finally get around to it, and honestly, the best thing I can do is to pay him the compliment of believing him when he says he just wants me to get what I want. (We are talking about colors/finishes here, not things that would involve a lot of extra money, which we would need to agree on.)

So if you really really care about the countertop, I'd encourage you not to order DH's choice until you have both sat back and let your ideas percolate for a bit. I totally get wanting to honor your partner's wishes since he lives there too, but your wishes are equally important. Like my DH, he probably wants you to be happy more than he wants a particular countertop. And -- this is the voice of experience speaking -- if you are recently married and have moved into "his" house, it's important to do some things YOU want, to make it feel like your house as well. Maybe even more important in the kitchen, if you are the main cook.

To controlfreakecs -- I apologize for the long off-track hijack! I'm afraid I don't know enough about the differences between soapstone and matte-finish granite to have an opinion, but perhaps the "whoever cares more" approach could work for you and your DH as well. [grin]

I agree with many others here. Sit back, take a breath. Let the decision swirl and see what's important to you. In my case, I didn't know about ss until I stumbled upon this great site and was sold. It put off the reno until I could save the extra $$ but in my heart I knew it was the right decision. When you feel "it's right" you'll know.

Caryscott- Good point about husbands (and wives) usually knowing when they're being handled :)

I know soapstone is very popular and I can see why, but for me, I think it's giving me flashbacks to my chemistry class, in high school! LOL

Okay, so I was all ready to embrace the granite then I read through the entire thread KA linked above, and someone's leather granite cracked from the heat of a crock pot!!!!! What?! See, this is the kind of thing that scares me. You may hear about the scratches and dents on soapstone, but most people that have it say they don't notice them, or they rub out easily with mineral oil. At the worst, serious scratches can be sanded out. But cracked by a counter-top appliance? And one that we actually use quite often when both kids are scheduled for different activities on the same night. Haven't shared that tidbit with DH yet. Not sure how that will affect his opinion. He is definitely a function over form kind of guy. Actually, we both are function people. L-L mentioned chemistry class -- guess what, my DH is a scientist, microbiologist actually, so I thought that he'd appreciate the lab surface more!

This is really about the money. We are renovating our entire first floor. It is a huge expense for us, and we'll be the first to admit that it is probably not practical for our neighborhood. But we thought about building and just decided that we really didn't want to move again (this was our 4th home in a tumultuous 5 yrs.) We plan on staying hear for at least 10 and probably more like 15 yrs. So we want to do what we like and are disregarding rules about resale and value in the neighborhood. But sometimes when you see those numbers . . . it's really hard to swallow, and cold feet happen. Sometimes you just have to compromise to be able to pay the bills. I can accept that, but I can't accept a surface that won't work the way we need it to.

Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted, and I'm sure I'll have even more issues to bring to the KF over the next few months.

You are correct - according to Busch Granite in Syracuse,NY, the idea that you can put hot pans on granite is risky at best and a fallacy at worst. They said that soapstone is the only stone that reliably handles hot pans. If that is important to you, then granite that "looks like" soapstone just isn't gonna do it.

The money I'm putting in my kitchen remodel will put our total investment in the house at more than we can sell it for, probably. But my mother, a realtor, is egging me on. She thinks that the seriously upgraded kitchen will be an asset in the long run. So you're right, do it for yourself. But you may be surprised in the future that it will help you sell your house, and hopefully for a premium.

northcarolina - Married 11 months tomorrow...still a LOT to learn. Thanks for then hand-holding & the advice!

controlfreakcs - sorry for the mini-hijack during my panic-attack this morning! I started my own thread on my issue.

Jessica - no sweat! I was amazed at the similarities in our issue . . . 11 mos. or 13 yrs., same problems! ;)

Ginny - this granite cracked with normal use of the appliance, not setting a hot pan down on the granite, which I know you can do with ss, but not granite. The appliance itself does let off some heat at the bottom and sides, but it is not the direct heat of setting a hot pan from the stove or oven directly on the surface. It seems to me that any countertop should be able to handle this appliance, we use it regularly on my laminate now without any problems or damage.

Controlfreak -- at the risk of being annoying, and now that I know your DH is a scientist, let me suggest DIY SS again. I am sure that a microbiologist can handle it!

controlfreakecs, did you see Anna's recent thread on harder and softer soapstones? Perhaps this will help you...

Becky

Here is a link that might be useful: Calling all happy soapstone owners!

Sorry, I was confused. Of course you should be able to use a crock pot on any counter. (I'm planning to use my toaster oven and microwave on my granite counters after the remodel.) I was trying to support the "function over form" argument for why you should get the soapstone that you really want. Oh, well.

Angie - Not sure where you got the idea that science geeks are handy, but my DH is available to disprove that theory on all levels! LOL! No DIY happening. There was a time, when schedules were more open and funds were harder to come by when we may have considered very small DIY projects, but around 10 yrs. ago my DH decided (really, for the best) that the vast majority of home improvement jobs are best left to the experts. And really, it is best for all of us if it stays that way.

Yes, Becky, I think I've been reading every ss thread since last Fall! Thanks! If we go with SS, hardness will be at least as important as looks. We did talk about this a bit with the fabricator.

Ginny - you aren't off base. The ability to place hot pans directly on ss is one of the things I like best about it and what got me looking into in in the first place, years ago. It was after that that I fell in love with the look. But, I've never had a counter where I can do that, so perhaps I wouldn't really notice if I couldn't in the new kitchen as well.

His opinion about the cracked granite: "Any void, imperfection, etc. could result in this from any thermal shock IMHO." He considers this a risk with any natural product, apparently.

Controlfreakecs: I have some advice for you. If you truly have your heart set on soapstone, and the budget is the main thing holding you back, talk to the soapstone company you are working with. I know a few people who have been able to work out a deal with a soapstone company. Decide what you can afford to spend and talk with the manager at the Soapstone company. Explain your situation. Since quality Soapstone is so hard to find, the few companies out there who specialize in it tend to be religious about it, and treat other Soapstone fanatics like family. I don't know about the company you are working with, but that has been my experience. Also, there are varieties of Soapstone that are much harder than others, so maybe that will help ease the concerns of DH. Good luck. Tough decisions. I myself am living with some disgusting tile that came with our house. DH and I both want Soapstone, so at least I am in luck there. Now we just have to come up with the cash. Until then, I live vicariously through those of you who post your pictures.

my 2 cents. It is never a mistake to pay more for better function.

It sounds to me that one of the reasons you prefer the SS to granite is the functional feature of it handling hot pans. That is worth something.

I myself have porcelain tile counters and Boos hard rock maple BB island. I had ruined flooring and counters in 2 previous residences because of not being able to put down a hot pan quickly enough. (couldn't find the hot pad to put under the pan, or hot pad was wet, and dropped the hot pan) So for me, a heat accepting surface was a safety feature and a necessity.

IMHO a kitchen with the best function you can dream up and achieve is the goal. Looks are secondary to that.

So if the function of the SS is a part of why you want it, then that can't be readily accounted for in many other materials.

controlfreakecs - there seems to be some serious bigamy going on; same husband here too.

But of course not really. You are the only one who can know whether and when to credit the hissy fit. In our case they are sufficiently infrequent and so thoroughly irrational that they sort of need attending to. Despite the maddening surrounds, such as months of begged-for requests for input, spurned until after-the-last-second. Argh. 'Infuriating' is just a genteel understatement....

I don't know if you saw my thread about the kitchen faucet. I'd been belly-aching for *ages* about this decision, really sweating blood and tears. Picked one, had to discard it, picked, discarded, short-listed, agonized... lowballed and - oh dear - got it. I was relieved until I got home and the husband who had declined the slightest input for all of the weeks of agony *suddenly* had a very, very well-honed conviction on the matter. What I had chosen was completely horrific.

Geesh.

I have no idea whether he was right and I can't even begin to accurately articulate how angry I was. But I followed through with his furious assertion and returned the thing and fell back on the last option from my short list. I didn't even ask him about that and made it clear he'd blown his opportunity for further input! ;)

And this was the second such incident of high drang and sturm. I was majorly po'd and it took weeks to come to a negotiated settlement that allowed for his idea (of a passthrough rather than doorway) last new year. But I admit - outloud and to myself over and over now, that his need/idea was right, or at least better than what he had refused. In our case, I think he's just lousy at expressing his opinion in a measured way through the course of the decision and is willing to accept most things except what he sees, but can't articulate in advance, as a mistake. And I have to say, while the process is icky as can be, and while I couldn't see the wisdom of his opinion in each case, in the long run I think he was right. Bad means, good end.

Of course this depends entirely on each of you and your relationship. But in our case all that smoke does signify a fire. So while I couldn't see the flames, I heeded the warning anyway. Hot though it may have been all around.

As noted by others above, I don't hear an unambiguous alignment from you with SS. Even the heat-issue aside, there may be extenuating circumstances (like money) that might yet sway you ... both. If ever there were a case of needing a 2x2 pros-cons/SS-Marble grid, this would be it. along with tested samples. I think he's issued a change-order that he wishes to be involved (now!). So do the experiments together and debate the pros and cons together. Better now than after it's installed.

Controlfreak - I know this thread keeps going, but I wanted to share my perspective from different angles because I understand and feel your pain.

First, I was very interested in soapstone, but a little worried about the softness because a friend had a very soft variety and it had many large chips which I didn't know if I could stomach. My husband, who also cooks and had opinions on design issues, rejected soapstone. Long story short, we went with pietra del cardosa which is more charcoal colored than black, doesn't have all the unique soapstone properties and is brittle and now has many small chips and I am fine with them. I love the look. The funniest part of this story was when all was said and done I talked a bit about soapstone again and how there were sources in the US and even locally and I kind of regretted dragging something in from overseas and he basically said that he really would have considered soapstone...:) Time and distance can really soften strong opinions.

A different story is my bathroom floors and how choosing something less expensive worked really well and I am very happy about it. I had decided not to put marble in the kitchen so had to have it in the bathroom. I picked out some some funky elongate calcutta tiles that I loved, but settled on some significantly less expensive large hex tiles. Yes, they are not as unique, but honestly the look is the same and we paid almost 1/2 for the materials. I don't know if this would be the case with the leathered granite versus soapstone - it has a similar look and properties that your husband appreciated.

Last, there are several things I did in my house for financial reasons that I wish I had done otherwise in hindsight. There are opportunities to make more money but in most cases there are not opportunities to re-do perfectly fine work even if it is not to your preference (cost prohibitive to pull out something that is fine.) I balked at spending an additional money on several things that feel so short sided now because it would be too expensive to redo them. But there are things that are less expensive to redo - are there places to skimp now and upgrade later? Counter is not one of them, but light fixtures, sink fixtures, even appliances (less expensive dishwasher or fridge) - as long as the cut outs/profiles are the same. You would be surprised, depending on your market, that you might be able to sell some slightly used things to recoop some of your costs. We put in temporary light fixtures to just move in (inexpensive from big box) and sold them for 1/2 of what we paid for. Note that my husband did labor of replacing them. Even putting off say the backsplash for a year or so and living with paint (which we are doing because I can't make up my mind) can save you money. If money is the problem, see if you can be creative if soapstone is still the dream you want.

Good luck - and appreciate you are giving this a lot of thought so you should be satisfied whatever direction you go.

As one of the resident "stoners" here, my best advice is to find someone who has had soapstone in their kitchen for several years and go take a look for yourself. See what it actually looks like after normal use over a period of time, and only then make your decision. Don't decide based on what you think it might be like. Decide based on what it actually is like.

The sample you get may or may not represent how your counters will behave. Mine is one of the softer types (Black Venata), so it scratches more easily than a lot of other varieties, but even with the same variety of soapstone throughout my kitchen, it definitely scratches easier in some places than in others. I still adore it, even with all its imperfections.

Still, I recognize that I may be more accepting of patina than others, so I know what doesn't bother me a bit might drive others batty. So, I have always happily accepted requests from friends and strangers (several from here on GW) to come see my soapstone in person. As it has happened so far, every visit has come just when I was thinking it was time to oil my counters. In other words, they were at their worst. Instead of oiling them to show off their beauty to the visitors, I have left the soapstone in its "worse case" state. I want people to know what they're getting into. In several cases, I have oiled it while they're there so they could see the difference--well, also so they could help me! :)

Funny, I believe that every visitor has decided to go ahead with soapstone. In other words, even the worst state of my soapstone is still beautiful and desirable and unlike any other surface.

The fear about scratches and dings is perfectly rational. I mean, who wants their brand new kitchen to look wrecked after a few months of wear?! And what could be worse than a counter top surface with scratches and dings?? Well, judging from the reactions of those who have seen my scratches and dings in person--that is, still choosing to have soapstone in their own homes--maybe those scratches and dings are not so bad after all.