Thank you all for sharing your experiences and expressing your opinions. Since I posted this, our friend has decided to take a breather and try to work things out. I don't know if that means weeks, months, or years. I think his recent sense of urgency is based on some changes in their pre-nup that take place in June, so he wanted to finalize things before then. What I'm sensing from a distance is that on the one hand, he is the kind of person who doesn't take marriage vows lightly and really doesn't want to be divorced. On the other hand, he's still young (about 34?), and most likely wants to buy a house together, start a family, etc. And that's not happening. The house they live in is HERS, as she's made very clear to him. She already has 3 kids and is too old to have more. Also, it's very possible that his wife is "manipulating" him to some degree to get him to stay until the changes in the pre-nup occur (which would be to her advantage if they did divorce). She has been married and divorced before and is 18 years older than he is, so I'm sure she could "play the system" better. momj--I agree that big changes are needed to fix this marriage. I think they've been to counseling, but I guess it didn't "take." You're so right about few people being willing to do the work. I was in that situation with my ex, too. Time will tell if that's true for this couple. They have no kids together, but I'm sure her daughter and granddaughter living with them is starting to take a toll. sweeby--Yes, one big fight is not usually the case with most divorces; they've been fighting since the wedding day from what I've heard. I think he's in the wavering stage now, and I'm wondering if he's watching the clock like you did, and will pull the plug at the end of May. But I'm hopeful that they will go to counseling, or she will go alone, and they'll work it out. bill-thanks for sharing your story. I think this guy is like you in many ways, wanting to stick it out for various reasons. Fortunately, there is no infidelity or abuse in their marriage (that I'm aware of). Those issues can certainly make it more difficult to stay, and in some cases even more difficult or dangerous to leave. (I still got phone calls in the middle of the night from my ex two years after I moved to the other side of the country.) seeking--that is such a great analogy! So true! And when it does crash to the floor, all the sweet things and money are gone. One of my favorite analogies is this: a relationship is like holding a handful of sand. As long as you keep your hand open, you can hold a lot of sand in it. But when you tighten your grip, the sand starts to come out. cup--thanks for sharing your opinion. I totally agree that the marriage is more important than the teenage, unwed mother (who recently ran away for a few days with the kid----so irresponsible). I guess she was living there when the couple married, as she would have been only 14. But I don't know the details of why she's still there. Probably just the usual situation of a mother not wanting her daughter living on the street. I can't say whether this woman has an undiagnosed mental illness. I know she's very controlling, but lots of people are. Wouldn't a marriage counselor pick up on that, though? maddie--good for you for having the courage to take control of your situation. I have a feeling that this guy is sort of in your position--doing all the work, paying all the bills, being a good spouse, while "the wagon of love breaks under the baggage of life." We all have our breaking point, and I hope he is able to recognize what his is. donna--thanks for your response. I agree that I/we should stay out of it, and we have been. The only thing I've said to him so far is that people can take advantage of him only as long as he allows them to (and it was months ago that I said that). I think my husband has given him some financial advice, but he's not the type to say "you should just leave." Low self-esteem definitely enters into it; I can tell that much. That seems to come into play for most of us who go thru a divorce. mindstorm--Yes, you're right, leaving is serious. I think that's why most of us do the "wavering" and take a long time to knock the soda machine over. In my own situation, there was substance abuse, infidelity, and a lot of lying, none of which I bargained for when taking that "solemn vow." I had lots of people telling me I should leave, but I didn't listen because I knew I had to be sure it was the right thing to do. What has dogged me for most of my life is that I put up with it for so long and didn't get out sooner. The part of my life that was wasted was the years I spent married to him, not the years since. zobeet--It is difficult to tell sometimes when it's over, and I think one half of the couple is usually more willing to work on it than the other. Some couples stay married in spite of this; some split because of it. In my friend's case, it appears that the pre-nup benefits her more than it does him. I think that's one of the major issues. ---------- Thanks again everybody for taking the time to read and respond. It's been enlightening to hear everyone's opinion. Kathy

We interviewed 5 GCs. First was sort of interested, but our job on an older home was different from the usual work he did building new and/or remodeling newer homes, and it didn't "feel" like a good fit, so we didn't pursue it, even though he seemed like a decent guy and his portfolio of work looked like quality. Second came to look, but when he saw significant structural work he wasn't interested - he was more a cabinet installer/internal design kind of GC than somebody to handle this project. Next one came HIGHLY recommended from a friend who had just done some similar work a few months prior. He came round and gave us some quite attractive rough figures compared to the previous and we wanted some time to think about his suggestions; called him a couple of weeks later to come back, we talked further and asked him for a written bid. Never heard back from him, although we continued to call him to try and get a formal bid. #4 was referred to us via a very bizarre chain of events: even though we got the feeling the project was stalled since we couldn't find a builder, we decided to close on the equity loan anyway since it was all ready to go. At the closing, the title agent started chatting to us, noted that we lived in the same neighbourhood as her family including her brother who oh-by-the-way was a contractor and did we have one yet? I took the number partly to be polite and partly because he was (literally) around the corner, but didn't hold out much hope. In the meantime, I already had an appointment scheduled with a fairly glossy design-build firm so I kept it - they said that we would need at a MINIMUM double our budget, so that was a short meeting! So... feeling somewhat trepidatious I called the guy around the corner that had been recc'd at the bank. He was out of town but we scheduled a meeting for a few days later. He spent 2 hrs at the house, and drove me to see some work he was doing on another property (beautiful work - sealed the deal from my point of view). He came back a few days later with his associate to have another look to see how they could manage the structural stuff, and emailed me a basic proposal a few days after that. We hashed out the remaining details by email and he started 3 weeks later. He CLEARLY wanted the job - he was interested in the house, he (as I later learned) was fascinated by the books on our shelves many of which reflected his own interests and he definitely wanted the gig and he just liked us as much as we did him - it was clearly a "good fit". I had seen his work, his licence and checked his insurance was ok (they all were, of course!), but other than the title agent had no personal references. The day we started work I was PANIC STRICKEN with "what if's?" - I was letting a perfect stranger cut my house in half, I had no human references and aaaaaakkkkkkkk... what was I doing! A neighbour reassured me that she'd seen his work in the neighbourhood and, that in fact, he'd turned DOWN a job she'd asked him to do, but even so - I didn't necessarily do this "by the book"! As those who have been following my renovation know, this guy has been AMAZING, transforming our ideas into reality at a more than fair price (in fact, I truly believe he undercharged us somewhat given the numbers I see other people throwing around for their work). And he, his wife and kids have become friends in the course of it all, so it has truly been "win win" even if we DIDN'T find him via a "conventional" route. Anyway, long answer. I guess the short version is if they follow through, they want the job... !

I started a year before because there were repairs we knew had to be done. Of course, like a 'house of cards' one repair turned into 100! We needed to replace two sliding doors which had fogged up, doing this led to tearing out a sun-room (Carpenter ants were discovered and beams were eaten)...which led to rebuilding that room, which led to replacing the entire roof (we had no plans to do), which then led to repainting, flooring, etc. In my foyer, we had 3 lose tiles. I used a handiman to cement the tiles which led to tearing up the entire foyer floor and replacing with new tile one week before we went on the market. We refinished all our wood floors in January which was the biggest mistake of all. Even though they said they were 'dustless' the whole house was full of fine saw dust. We rented a storage unit and filled it to the brim eventually. It was difficult because we had the holidays and didn't want to remove our holiday things and waited until February to finally clear it all out. We replaced some bathroom counter tops which led to replacing a sink and vanity. I refinished a tub. Long and short, I am glad we started early as we ran into unexpected problems which took time. When we finally listed, the house looked new and spotless. Never looked as good all the years we lived there. I didn't want to move! We listed June 15, 2010 and went to contract Oct 15, 2010. It is never too early to start. Good luck, Jane

We did a from-the-studs kitchen demo and remodel also. The only things hired out were the installation of a structural beam for a supporting wall, the major electric and the plumbing. We began in spring of 2008 and were largely finished by summer 2009. But there are always the little things still waiting to be finished up. (In our case, designing and tiling a vent hood.) As teachers with little capital reserve and no desire for debt if we can help it, we have been paying as we go, no loans. With the exception of a few large items that fell into our laps early (gorgeous recycled cabinets, a Liebherr fridge on sale), we've had to bide our time until we can afford the materials in order to install them. Thus, we waited a few months for the copper for the counters, another few for the tile for the backsplash, the cool pushbutton lightswitches, etc. But the wait, as Rexem says, just gave us all the more time to really research each job, locate the right supplies (many of which needed special ordering) and check in with online experts and contractor friends. I will give a good shout out to a few excellent online resources for DIY, while I'm at it: John Bridge runs a Ceramic Tile Advice Forum, where his tile professional participants are unparalleled in their consistently excellent advice and amazing patience with DIYers' endless questions. If you're going to learn to tile, Bridge's book Tile Your World gave me the best course imaginable. John Leeke of Portland Maine runs workshops and an online discussion forum on restoring and maintaining old wooden windows and millwork. Terry Meany's book Working Windows is also a bible for anyone in the laudable situation of wanting to rehab their gorgeous originals. The WoodWeb forums, in particular the Cabinet and Millwork Installation forum, is a professionals' hangout whose archives are truly invaluable for beginners.