Not Married yet

10 years ago

Hi everyone,

I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 months and his 14 year old son visits every other weekend. Even before I became romantically involved with my BF I had the opportunity to see the dynamic between him and his son, and to say they bicker is an understatement. Everything is a battle, every answer starts with "No" and the child always gets what he wants, by any means necessary.

I've been researching what the role of a step-parent is and taken my cues from that. Mostly I try to walk away. It keeps me from getting upset with either of them and lets me have some alone time to reflect or research :)

My boyfriend uses me as a soundboard to tell me what he has done with his son that day what he thinks went well the things that didn't go so well. My aim is to be as supportive as possible but I am also honest. The kid is a little bratty I say it because I was bratty too while in my teens, so I am well aware of the strategy's used by a kid to get their own way. My partner looks at me like I'm a cold monster when I don't buy into the kids tears because he says he doesn't want to disappoint. He doesn't give a crap about hurting my feelings, or disrespecting my partner, he just wants what he wants when he wants it.

My partner gets along quite well with his ex, but her behavior is very similar to the boys. Although to her credit she is much nicer as long as she is getting exactly what she wants. My partners opinion doesn't matter and if he has ideas of how to make the holiday break more exciting or more of a challenge then just watching TV she says "No" and blames me for all this new change.

I do realize that now that my partner is in a relationship he has the opportunity to speak with someone else about his concerns about his kid and what kind of human being the boy is turning into.

I feel frustrated because we spend a lot of time talking about the boy and what we can do to help him be better, but when the day comes for action my partner relies on all the bad habits that have made his son rude and spoiled. I suppose my sadness derives from us discussing and once its time for our visit every decision is unilateral and I'm just left with the aftermath.

Is this my official welcome to step-parenthood?

I've been reading some other posts and somewhere along the line someone said keep reading more of this forum for help, keep your eyes wide open, and think long and hard about moving forwards towards engagement or marriage.

How can I help father and son's relationship building? I don't mind taking a backseat if it weren't for my partner constantly coming up to tell me how bad it is hanging out alone with his bratty kid. He realizes that it is learned behavior but he is so reliant on his bad habits of giving in. No one is disciplining the child, its no wonder he acts out. Should I just enjoy the relationship and not project into the future with this man? I feel like I need a little advice...

Thanks...

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Comments (9)

colleenoz
10 years ago
While your BF has asked for your advice, he's clearly not following it and is unlikely to follow it any time soon, if ever. You need to consider whether you will be happy if this is the way it is always going to be, which it looks like it will.

SS's Mom already blames you for any changes (which may not even be fair) and you can guarantee that any changes which anger SS, he'll get on the bandwagon too.

As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child, and if any input of yours is always ignored and you are the scapegoat for any change that happens because your partner is fed up, it will make for an unhappy life IMO.
Gigi1234
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you colleenoz for your words and time.

"As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child"

I agree that it isn't my place to make any final decisions regarding SS. My displeasure comes from being part of the process of decision making, the ideas, the pros and cons, the think tank if you will, and then being told we are going with one thing only to find out later that my partner went with another.

Is this a step-parent problem that comes up or is this more of a communication break-down in our partnership?

Perhaps its my own issue with control and relinquishing it totally to my partner that puts me on edge...

It feels like when a best friend asks you for advice about their abusive relationship over and over again. You give them time, attention, and solid words of wisdom. They agree with you and tell you they are going to do it, only to find out later from them that they had a change of heart. After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. I find myself feeling infuriated by his unilateral decisions. I've also noticed I become aware of them much much later than when they first happened. Subconsciously or otherwise he knows it gets to me, but does it anyway.

How can we make it better?
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Gigi1234
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you colleenoz for your words and time.

"As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child"

I agree that it isn't my place to make any final decisions regarding SS. My displeasure comes from being part of the process of decision making, the ideas, the pros and cons, the think tank if you will, and then being told we are going with one thing only to find out later that my partner went with another.

Is this a step-parent problem that comes up or is this more of a communication break-down in our partnership?

Perhaps its my own issue with control and relinquishing it totally to my partner that puts me on edge...

It feels like when a best friend asks you for advice about their abusive relationship over and over again. You give them time, attention, and solid words of wisdom. They agree with you and tell you they are going to do it, only to find out later from them that they had a change of heart. After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. I find myself feeling infuriated by his unilateral decisions. I've also noticed I become aware of them much much later than when they first happened. Subconsciously or otherwise he knows it gets to me, but does it anyway.

How can we make it better?
emma
10 years ago
The only animosity I had with my step children was over money. When they came to borrow money, my husband always said, I will have to talk to the wife first. Which is what a married couple should do. If there was a no it was always my fault. I know they were thinking Dad would do it if it weren't for the "wife". He would have to. Not sure if you sitting in on the discussion will be productive.

I am not sure there is a chance of happiness with step children involved. My husband was an exception. He demanded respect for me from his children and we discussed everything, no secrets from each other.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Dec 7, 13 at 17:09
colleenoz
10 years ago
"After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. " And this is what you're going to have to tell your partner very time he asks you for advice. "Nothing ever comes of anything I say, and it frustrates the hell out of me, so I'm going to short circuit this process and not start in the first place."

Only you can decide if you can live on this merry-go-round.

Be aware that even without your input, if Dad ever gets his act together (which may never happen) and start reining in his son, _you_ are going to be blamed for it, _you_ are going to bear the brunt of SS's animosity. And if he doesn't, you're going to have an entitled, demanding SS who gets what he wants (which may ultimately impact on you if Dad ends up giving everything he has to support SS's demands and you end up picking up the financial slack in your own partnership) in your life for as long as you put up with it.
Gigi1234
Original Author
10 years ago
Damn. It looks like I have a lot of thinking to do.You both bring up truths that are hard to ignore. My heart doesn't want me to believe its so bleak but at the same time the angry and anxious kid that surrounds me every other weekend is a bold reminder. Just today we planned an outing. Yesterday evening my partner gave SS $80 for nothing. I'd call it a bribe. We had discussed previously that we weren't going to give him money just for the hell of it. Once his behavior changed and we saw a significant improvement plus above and beyond behavior then we could talk money. Truth is the kid just collects it, and with SS private school fees coming up we could use every penny. I spoke with my partner last night told him I thought the $80 bribe wasn't the answer and it went against what we had collectively decided. An apology, an "I hear you" and an "i won't do it again." Followed by the next morning and our plans for the outing. I suggested SS buy his own lunch at the beach since he was sitting on $80 and we barely had $20 for the two of us. Partner agreed. We get to the beach and my partner is offering our $20 to his kid! I was confused and asked why. "He didn't bring his wallet." I answered back with, isn't it your job to be on top of that. "I forgot"

In my partners mind he isn't deliberately ignoring my requests or advice. He forgets.
colleenoz
10 years ago
He forgets because he is not motivated to remember. If he cared for your good opinion, he would remember.
emma
10 years ago
It is bleak, my husband was special and an exception to what I read in here, but I still hated it and would never marry again unless I found 99 year old millionaire and no kids. LOL
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
'much nicer as long as she is getting exactly what she wants'

yeah, well, wouldn't we all be???

This is what your partner's son has absorbed, it's how he operates;
'give me what I want or bear the consequences.'

It works really well, & it's an established protocol in their (dad/mom/son) relationship.

You might tell partner *one more time* that this isn't normal, isn't healthy, is not anywhere near tolerable for you to live with.

I wish you the best.

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