While your BF has asked for your advice, he's clearly not following it and is unlikely to follow it any time soon, if ever. You need to consider whether you will be happy if this is the way it is always going to be, which it looks like it will.

SS's Mom already blames you for any changes (which may not even be fair) and you can guarantee that any changes which anger SS, he'll get on the bandwagon too.

As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child, and if any input of yours is always ignored and you are the scapegoat for any change that happens because your partner is fed up, it will make for an unhappy life IMO.

Thank you colleenoz for your words and time.

"As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child"

I agree that it isn't my place to make any final decisions regarding SS. My displeasure comes from being part of the process of decision making, the ideas, the pros and cons, the think tank if you will, and then being told we are going with one thing only to find out later that my partner went with another.

Is this a step-parent problem that comes up or is this more of a communication break-down in our partnership?

Perhaps its my own issue with control and relinquishing it totally to my partner that puts me on edge...

It feels like when a best friend asks you for advice about their abusive relationship over and over again. You give them time, attention, and solid words of wisdom. They agree with you and tell you they are going to do it, only to find out later from them that they had a change of heart. After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. I find myself feeling infuriated by his unilateral decisions. I've also noticed I become aware of them much much later than when they first happened. Subconsciously or otherwise he knows it gets to me, but does it anyway.

How can we make it better?

Thank you colleenoz for your words and time.

"As the step parent your role would not include making decisions regarding your partner's child"

I agree that it isn't my place to make any final decisions regarding SS. My displeasure comes from being part of the process of decision making, the ideas, the pros and cons, the think tank if you will, and then being told we are going with one thing only to find out later that my partner went with another.

Is this a step-parent problem that comes up or is this more of a communication break-down in our partnership?

Perhaps its my own issue with control and relinquishing it totally to my partner that puts me on edge...

It feels like when a best friend asks you for advice about their abusive relationship over and over again. You give them time, attention, and solid words of wisdom. They agree with you and tell you they are going to do it, only to find out later from them that they had a change of heart. After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. I find myself feeling infuriated by his unilateral decisions. I've also noticed I become aware of them much much later than when they first happened. Subconsciously or otherwise he knows it gets to me, but does it anyway.

How can we make it better?

The only animosity I had with my step children was over money. When they came to borrow money, my husband always said, I will have to talk to the wife first. Which is what a married couple should do. If there was a no it was always my fault. I know they were thinking Dad would do it if it weren't for the "wife". He would have to. Not sure if you sitting in on the discussion will be productive.

I am not sure there is a chance of happiness with step children involved. My husband was an exception. He demanded respect for me from his children and we discussed everything, no secrets from each other.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Dec 7, 13 at 17:09

"After awhile you don't want to give any input or advice. " And this is what you're going to have to tell your partner very time he asks you for advice. "Nothing ever comes of anything I say, and it frustrates the hell out of me, so I'm going to short circuit this process and not start in the first place."

Only you can decide if you can live on this merry-go-round.

Be aware that even without your input, if Dad ever gets his act together (which may never happen) and start reining in his son, _you_ are going to be blamed for it, _you_ are going to bear the brunt of SS's animosity. And if he doesn't, you're going to have an entitled, demanding SS who gets what he wants (which may ultimately impact on you if Dad ends up giving everything he has to support SS's demands and you end up picking up the financial slack in your own partnership) in your life for as long as you put up with it.

Damn. It looks like I have a lot of thinking to do.You both bring up truths that are hard to ignore. My heart doesn't want me to believe its so bleak but at the same time the angry and anxious kid that surrounds me every other weekend is a bold reminder. Just today we planned an outing. Yesterday evening my partner gave SS $80 for nothing. I'd call it a bribe. We had discussed previously that we weren't going to give him money just for the hell of it. Once his behavior changed and we saw a significant improvement plus above and beyond behavior then we could talk money. Truth is the kid just collects it, and with SS private school fees coming up we could use every penny. I spoke with my partner last night told him I thought the $80 bribe wasn't the answer and it went against what we had collectively decided. An apology, an "I hear you" and an "i won't do it again." Followed by the next morning and our plans for the outing. I suggested SS buy his own lunch at the beach since he was sitting on $80 and we barely had $20 for the two of us. Partner agreed. We get to the beach and my partner is offering our $20 to his kid! I was confused and asked why. "He didn't bring his wallet." I answered back with, isn't it your job to be on top of that. "I forgot"

In my partners mind he isn't deliberately ignoring my requests or advice. He forgets.

He forgets because he is not motivated to remember. If he cared for your good opinion, he would remember.

It is bleak, my husband was special and an exception to what I read in here, but I still hated it and would never marry again unless I found 99 year old millionaire and no kids. LOL

'much nicer as long as she is getting exactly what she wants'

yeah, well, wouldn't we all be???

This is what your partner's son has absorbed, it's how he operates;
'give me what I want or bear the consequences.'

It works really well, & it's an established protocol in their (dad/mom/son) relationship.

You might tell partner *one more time* that this isn't normal, isn't healthy, is not anywhere near tolerable for you to live with.

I wish you the best.