Ceph ... "bio-parents" are blind when it comes to "our" kids ... we don't see anything wrong with them ... when my son was little NO ONE could understand him but ME... it was our special thing he and I could talk it took a lot of people telling me they couldn't understand him before I even got a hint something might be wrong..... turns out he was 85% deaf and didn't hear the way most words sounded but I thought his "speech impediment" was cute and afterall ... "I could understand him" so I didn't care no one else did ...

At about age 4 we started speech therapy got his hearing corrected and he is much better now no sign of the speech impediment at 16 and hearing loss is minimal.

So yeah it sucks she waited a year but atleast she is doing something about it now ...

BTW??? was/is she pregnant?

how quickly you are to judge BM's parenting skills...

here is an example.

DD has a very loud voice. i have a very loud voice myself, plus it is low for a woman and frankly does not match my appearance. DDs' teachers, when she was in elementary , suggested I check her hearing. I was suprised, they said she has awfully loud voice. I was shocked, it didnot sound loud to me. Well duh I heard her 24/7 I got used to it, plus I have very loud voice myself. her hearing turned out to be OK. now when I pay attention, I realize that she speaks awfully loud and I myself have to watch my voice because it is way too loud. it did take another person to point it out. i could not hear it myself, neither my own voice nor DD's. It didn't make me a bad person though or "not wanting to do mom thing".

now about BM.
when a parent listens to someone a day after day 24/7 (and as I understand A lives wiht his mother) she of course understands him/her very well even if he/she has speech problem. when you see a person less often or are not emotionally attached, then it is a different story. mom hears him all the time and it does not sound to her like he has a problem. it does take another person to point it out that a kid migth not be speaking clearly. it was proably more apparent to you because you don't see him as much and didn't get used to his speech the way mom did. I do not see anything unusual in a fact that it took BF's opinion for mom to realize that A does nto speak clearly. BF is a neutral person.

sometimes SMs are quickly to point out what bioparents do wrong wiuhout even trying to understand what is the issue. I know you are very involved wiht A and are very good SM but when you will have your own kids, you will see that it is sometimes a completely different ballgame.

I cannot begin to tell you how many problems wiht hearing, eye sight, medication side effects etc I noticed in my students and pointed out to parents. It does not mean they don't want to do "parent thing" or I am somehow better than them. It is eaiser for someone else to see problems than for a parent.

I would cut BM some slack on this one. My child has special needs and I don't buy into it to the same degree that everyone else does. He's too close for me to think of him as disabled.

About speech therapy, I actually had this one quantified through private evaluations. My child's speech actually IMPROVED after I ceased speech therapy sessions. Time, not the therapy sessions themselves, brought the biggest change.

People get into a frenzy to sign the kid up for all kinds of therapy. I've seen people put their kids on special diets, supplements, and multiple therapies...and their kids are no further or farther along than my child. If the speech problem persists, it's not evidence that nothing is being done about it. Some kids don't overcome these issues. I know several nonverbal adults (autism) and several verbal adults (autism). Both sets had extensive therapy and loving parents. Why some learn to talk and others don't is anyone's guess.

oh you are so right on this one! speech therapy is a very tricky one, in many cases it doesn't improve anything (opinion of speech therapists themseves). in most cases it has to be provided because it is mandated by law. in most cases speech therapy is dicontinued because there is no improvement not because all of a sudden kids speak better. of course it works in some cases.

I just find it rather annoying on this forum how no matter what bioparents do it is never good enough and everything SMs do is just wonderful. especially if people say BMs don't do "mom thing". what is "mom thing"? some therapy is actually harmfull. so maybe by giving kid time and not rushing him everywhere BM did "mom thing". who is to decide here?

I could be wrong, Ceph, correct me if I am...

I saw this as dad and Ceph (I know he's not bio, but as close as a dad could be, right?) thought he needed help with speech.

They asked bio-mom, she didn't care about their opinions because she thought everything was fine.

Along came BF, who noticed something was "off" about his speech and all of a sudden she's interested/concerned with him being able to communicate. Not with others (Ceph, Dad, etc), but with her bf's parents.

This made Ceph angry/disappointed/etc... because she was concerned and there was no acknowledgment of her concern until BF was concerned. Then all of a sudden it's important.

Personally, I understand the aversion to s-parents thinking they are better than bio's, but I think Ceph and her husband have really shown a commitment to this child that is not "theirs" and they could legally walk away from at any time. This is not soccer practice 8 days a week. This is therapy that will more than likely be a help rather than do harm. It's worth it to try out if a kid isn't being understood.

I think any mother, when confronted with someone saying "I think your child may have a problem with X" will examine their child a little more objectively to make sure they aren't missing something. Or ask others in the child's life if they've noticed something off.

Simply disregarding an outsider's opinion without further inspection is a kind of neglect. Sure, most of the time they're completely off base. I get that my child may have something wrong with her all the time, because she's so short. After hearing things, I had her checked out, I asked questions, etc. Just to make sure.

Time may cure issues, but how will you know something doesn't work without trying it? Is it worse to keep trying new things in the hopes that something will work or is it worse to say "it's my kid, I don't see them as disabled, so they're fine and I'm not trying anything".

I guess it all depends on who you are, your child's specific issues and your experiences. Personally, I'd keep trying until I found something that works, and I'd take all the input I could.

You may not see your child as disabled, but others will, and you will not be around to protect them forever. I think it is more of a service to your child as a person to seek alternatives than accepting disability as a fact of life that cannot be changed.

What are "mom-things"? That's a really good question. What did you mean by that Ceph?

Thanks Silversword. That's exactly it.

By "mom things" I mean things like:
She doesn't go to his soccer games, even though he has asked and asked.
She has never gone on a school field trip or helped with a craft in his classroom, even though he has asked and she is often off during the week.
She doesn't take him to his doctor's appointments, she gets her mom to do it (DH takes him if he can get off work that day of course)
She doesn't read loud with him, although he LOVES to read aloud with a parent.
Those sorts of things... I know there are many ways to parent and that not every mom is into "mom things". But it makes me sad for A__ because he asks and asks for her to do these things with him, but she doesn't.
That's not the issue that I wanted to get off my chest though, that was just to give a little background to new people who don't "know us".

I hear you Ceph!

In fact, I'm in the same place now that Ex and StepMom are finally saying that older DS is having trouble with his reading. Well DUH! I told them that 10 years ago and tried to remedy it then. They both did everything they could to prevent DS from getting a 'dyslexic label' with the school (even though he had been diagnosed dyslexic by three different private evaluators over the years) and wrote letters denying that there was a problem. Now that he's having trouble getting into the top colleges because his English SATs are so dismal, they're listening and wondering aloud why we didn't address that problem sooner. Makes me want to do violent things...

But good luck with the speech therapy! The right therapy can make a world of difference -- IF (big if) the child is motivated. Younger son was very motivated until his speech became effortless (for him) and intelligible to others. It's still noticably different, but he simply doesn't care -- so we finally stopped.

Thanks Sweeby!

Sorry to hear about your ex's dumb@assery about DS's reading.

Yeah, A__ is pretty motivated with his speech therapy - provided we keep it at an attainable level for him, of course. If he can be fairly successful, then he's all for it and has a good attitude. If he's struggling, he gets frustrated.
But that's totally understandable, so we keep it attainable for him. And we know that a good attitude is all we can ask for :)

I think it is perfectly fine if one parent does something for a child even if the other parent does not participate. if dad thinks therapy is important, then dad can just keep doing it. parents don't always have to be on board with everything or both participate. if i would wait for X to agree on all of my ideas i would still be waiting.

I don't think volunteering in a classroom or doing crafts or going on field trips make a good parent. all of those estranged parents (read in a parent forum) did all that stuff and more. and yet...kids grew up and don't even talk to their moms. it takes way more than doing crafts...

oh well. my opinion. take it or leave it.

sweeby why did you need to wait for X to do something about DS's reading? could you do it? or dad had full custody? and by the way label "dyslexic" wouldn't neccsarilly get him better scores. you could remedy without labeling.

wow. to hijack or not to hijack?

FD, you touched on something interesting. I agree with you that both parents don't have to be into the same thing for the child to succeed. My ex doesn't do any of my daughter's activities with her, but he does other things. That works out fine with us. Even were we still together, he would not do those things because of his profession (timing issues, etc).

I think in Ceph's case it's more of a consistant "doesn't do things with her kid" than a specific "doesn't bake and I think that's important" (for example).

I read on the estrangements threads that many "good, loving parents" were there for their children and "did everything" for them and probably "did too much" for their children.

Fine. But they're overlooking IMNSHO their abuses in other ways. Some "perfect" parents I know are completely over-indulgent of their children, won't let their kids go, over-mother, over-compensate... etc. And those kids whose moms do "the mom things" turn out to hate their parents. I think the lesson is this: Overdoing can be as harmful as underdoing.

Now, if a kid really wants those things and doesn't get them, it can be abusive in the opposite way. Kid wants to read, mom is always with BF. Kid wants to play a sport, mom can't make time. Kid is sick, mom turns job over to another person. (Insert dad for mom if needed).

Crafts and PTA mom does not make perfect kids. Taking an active interest in child and development and environment is important. Very important. And I think it's pretty easy for everyone to see if a parent is not concerned and willingly involved. Including, sadly enough, the child.

RE: Sweeby and dyslexia (and again, IMO and experience):
In order to get help in many schools you need a diagnosis. It's hard to treat something without having a clear idea of what is wrong.

you cannot treat dyslexia, it is a lifelong condition. but you can develop strategies how to compensate for it etc. same with learning disability. life long. unless it is misdiagnosed to begin with (which is pretty common). one of course can overcome obstacles by acquiring strategies and working extra hard, much harder than people who have no disabilities but it is a misconception that dyslexia or similar conditions can be cured. diagnosis is mostly needed so children can receive accommodations and extra help, not cured (with few exceptions such as emotional impairment, which can actually be cured and be completely gone).

agree if kids want something and parents never do it, it is very neglectful and i would not allow myself to treat chidlren this way. but...unless one did single adoption or is a widow/widower, there is the second parent. there are plenty of things i never did with DD because X did them and plenty of things he never did but I did all the time. so if mom never reads (not my case but it does happen), then dad can read and not complain. i never did any sport activities with DD. Ex thought it is important so he did it when he could. my point is if mom does not read, then dad could read and not complain that mom doesn't. in cephs case BM does not sound educated or even intelligent. she herself possibly is not into reading, so demanding reading from her is unrealistic. dad can read if she doesn't. it does not make her bad mom though.

yes i agree that being involved in children's life is important. being active in PTA is not. LOL DD used to make fun of PTA moms "thank you mom for not being PTA mom". I know it is a stereotype, but those moms were usually pretty annoying, same as classroom moms. I cannot imagine myself being one. Not me. DD would fall in schock if I would bake cookies and bring them to school for bake sale. I also never did homework with her or even check it. "it is my homework, mom, not yours, so stop bugging me about it". ha. yet we are very close. so whatever is "mom thing" it is not field trip attendance.

oh yes DD had couple of friends with overly involved moms, PTA type (one is actually psycho). two of them don't come home for college breaks (don't want to come home). Hmm. says a lot.

FineDreams - I disagree that dyslexia can't be cured. I'd certainly concede that it's tedious and laborious and very involved, but I do believe it can be done. Scientific studies have been done here in Houston using Functional MRI (or was it Functional MEG?) documenting the changes in brain wave patterns while reading both pre- and post-treatment. There's a neurologist here at the Texas Reading Institute who is doing amazing things remedying dyslexia, and it's working very well (though slowly) on DS#2. Even with his borderline IQ and 5 year age gap, DS#2 is now stronger in some areas than gifted DS#1.

In our case, older DS's chief reading problems were phonemic awareness and the ability to manipulate and rearrange sounds in his mind while he decoded the word. He still has no sense of the pieces and patterns of English words and common derrivations. He also had visual processing problems that compounded everything. Since he was also quite gifted and was used to learning effortlessly, not being able to read as easily as the other kids was enormously frustrating for him, and he was VERY resistant to working with me at home.

When we lived in another city, I was able to have him diagnosed and began treatment - which really helped. Then I moved back to Houston and Dad and his new girlfriend got involved. DS hated reading tutoring and complained to Dad. Dad wrote a letter to the tutor specifically denying permission to treat. Even though I had the legal right to treat without his permission, the tutor, fearing a lawsuit withdrew. Repeat with tutor #2. I sought to have him get remedial reading instruction through the school. The school's testing showed a 22-point achievement gap between reading performance and his expected level, but because DS was reading 'within the average range', they said he did not qualify for services. Again, Dad and girlfriend (now StepMom) vociferously insisted to the school that there was nothing wrong. They also wrote letters to DS's doctor revoking permission to treat medically, which I was able to overturn once Doctor met Dad and heard his impassioned rants about how perfect Sonny was and how I was just label-happy.

After years of counselling, (and 2 more rounds of testing that both agreed DS#1 was dyslexic) I finally did win the right to treat privately, but by then, DS's emotional walls were so fortified by Dad's "There's nothing wrong with you! You don't need this! Tell your Mom you won't do it!" speeches that I felt I had to let it go.

"Now, if a kid really wants those things and doesn't get them, it can be abusive in the opposite way. Kid wants to read, mom is always with BF. Kid wants to play a sport, mom can't make time. Kid is sick, mom turns job over to another person. (Insert dad for mom if needed).

Crafts and PTA mom does not make perfect kids. Taking an active interest in child and development and environment is important. Very important. And I think it's pretty easy for everyone to see if a parent is not concerned and willingly involved. Including, sadly enough, the child. "

Bingo!

If A__ didn't want his mom to come on field trips, or read aloud with him, or go to his soccer games, and so on, then I wouldn't be upset that she doesn't do it.
But it saddens me that he desperately wants her to do these things, and she doesn't. I see how sad he is when he asks her to and is shut down.
I know BM works weird hours, and has a lot going on in her life, and that can interfere with what A__ wants from her... but seeing A__ feel unloved or "unspecial" makes my heart hurt.

Ceph, I understand your heart can hurt when A's mom doesn't do things he asks her to - BUT again I say - Thankfully he has you as a SM and his dad. Everything you two do are making such a difference in A's life. Merry Christmas to the three of you.

I think that a lot of parents just plain don't want to hear that their kids may be anything less than perfect. They can't take concern and constructive criticism given in a loving and caring spirit.

Look at American Idol, for example. Some of those people in the beginning are HORRIBLE singers. Their hearts are truly broken when they are told they aren't good. They look crushed. When they are asked if they thought they did a good job, they almost always say yes. They almost always say that their mom/dad/grandma/whoever always told them they were good and could do anything they wanted to in life.

But that's just not reality. If someone has a truly bad singing voice, no amount of vocal coaching is going to make it a good singing voice. It might make it a little better, but not good enough to audition for a national TV show. If someone is uncoordinated and falls down every time they play soccer, trying out for the high school team and failing may do more to damage their self-confidence than not trying out at all.

I think that we, as parents, have a duty to our children to be realistic as to what their strengths and weaknesses are; not just placating them. We should let them try different things, but we should be honest when they ask us how they did.

I, myself, know that my DS does not have quick reactions. After 2 embarassing football seasons, I decided that DS was not doing well and that having him continue to play was doing more damage to his emotions than it was helping. So I sat down with him and talked to him about how he felt about the season. He admitted that he was frustrated most all of the time no matter how hard he tried. I said that maybe he just wasn't cut out for football and maybe we could just focus on baseball and play basketball for fun. He agreed with me and all is well. I don't think there's any harm in being sincere with our kids. I believe it breeds more self-confidence.

My point is that maybe A's BM just didn't want to hear that her son has a problem. And plus, she probably hears that plenty with his ADHD and behavioral issues. I think it's great that she's finally come around, no matter what the catalyst is. She knows, Ceph, that you are amazing and you love her kid and maybe she IS a little threatened by that. But try to focus on the positive and don't make it about you and DH.