depending on the laws of your state, he could be held in contempt for violating a court order.

However, some courts are reluctant to force children of a certain age (depending on jurisdiction and circumstances) to visit a NCP. They recognize that older kids (teens) don't always want to spend their weekends with their parents, but may be involved in extra curricular activities or rather hang out with peers. You can pretty much make a child under, say 10-12, visit but as they get older (and can be more rebellious), you can't really "force" them to go.

You may want to check out the laws in your state and talk to a family law adviser, if one is available. (or even a consult with a family law attorney)

imamommy is correct, many jurisdictions will not force a teenager to visit if they truly do not wish to.

That being said, in my not so humble opinion, a teen who totally cuts a parent out of his or her life will probably regret it badly some day. The proper and noble thing to do here is try to find a way to make the visits more acceptable to the kids, by letting them have a greater say in time and duration, or somehow otherwise fostering a relationship between them and mom.

Regardless of what you think of the mother, she IS the childrens mother, and any disapproval of her should be kept totally to yourself. When you critisize a childs parent, you are, in the eyes of the child, critisizing them. This is particularly true with teens, because they are in the throes of establishing their own independant identity.

ALso, just for a thought, sometimes children dont want to visit the non custodial parent because the custodial parent shows disapproval . Thats not gender specific, I have seen it happen with custodial mother, and also with custodial fathers. SOme people cant keep their personal feelings about the other person hidden from the child, and some people actually think that their children shouldnt have much to do with their other parent.

Kathline, I'm guessing you're not a stepparent?

We're not perfect by any means, but we made a commitment years ago not to voice our opinions of the mother to the kids. We've not always succeeded but we've done very well with it. It's been very difficult at times. She's abused the children, both physically and emotionally. She's badmouthed us at every turn, attempting to turn the children against us. Imagine my surprise the day the youngest (who was 9 at the time) says, "Mom called you a fat, ugly b." Or when the 11-year old says, "Yeah mom said if you and she ever got in a fight you'd probably just sit on her." It's been really hard to hold our tonuges in those situations. But we've managed.

I agree, Kath, that children may live to regret cutting off their mother. We've already experienced the dramatic effects of that with my oldest stepson, who is almost 17. He's working really hard to get over his anger and recently had his first productive visit with her.

But my husband and I both wonder if it is more damaging to force them to spend time with her. At some point I believe SHE has to address the reason for the broken relationships. The kids have tons of pent up hostility toward her for the things she's done, the fact that she's actually DENIED ever doing them, let alone apologize.

We do encourage the children to go see their mother. And once in a while they will, but not often. And I hope a judge won't force them to go into a situation where they don't feel safe or comfortable.

When you are dealing with smaller children, I found that they will cry, cling and say they don't want to go, when they are leaving the parent that is emotionally upset. My son did it a few times when he was small and going to his dad's. It was easy for me to say "see, he doesn't want to go with you" but the truth is, I WAS upset to see him going and I probably made too big a deal with a bunch of "I'm gonna miss you's" instead of a simple "have a time at your dad's" so yes, I think a parent can affect a child's decision, which is why the courts will force the parents to send small children. I'm sure once he got five minutes away from me, he was perfectly happy to be with his dad. My SD does that now when her mom says goodbye five times, carries her out to the car, says "I'm gonna miss you so much" and then SD cries for ten minutes. Kids don't want either parent to be unhappy or sad and they think they are responsible for it because they are leaving. It was wrong for me to do it. It's just wrong.

That is not the same when it comes to older kids and teens. As they get older and form their own opinions of the grown ups, they make up their own mind. Sometimes, they don't want to go because they really don't like the parent or the things the parent has done. But other times, it's just that they want to spend time without any of their parent's and would rather hang out with friends, etc. If you force an older child to go, they are more likely to resent it and might even be more difficult. I can imagine having a teen that is being forced to come to my house, it sounds like lots of fun!!(sarcasm!)

Unfortunately for parents that don't treat their children well or have hurt the children over and over, the kids (when they get older) can be just as critical without the other parent or step parent's help. Some parent's do a good enough job of looking like a screw up without anyone having to tell the kids.

ima,

Yes, when the children were younger they used to cry about having to go back to the BM's house. Hubby was always so great to say, "Yes, but you'll be back here on Friday! That's only five days from now!" (Hubby has visitation every weekend.)

Now three of the five live with us (one is grown and on her own) so the BM is taking DH to court for enforcement of visitation. I'm a bit nervous about it all because DH doesn't mandate that they go with her. He will encourage it, but ultimately they are 14,16, & 17. They want to be with their friends, go bowling or to the movies on the weekend. It's not that they want to be with US and not HER, they want to be teenagers. I really hope the judge can recognize that.

my dad always told me, "be careful what you ask for" and if the judge forces them to go, their mom may just realize the truth in that statement. If they don't want to be there, they are not likely to be pleasant. It could easily damage their relationship further than it may already be damaged. IF they are not nice and she ends up yelling at them or there is hostility about it, I don't see what good would come of it.

My kids are 17, 18, and 20 and I can't "force" them to do anything. Fortunately, I have influence on them and they usually do what I ask, but my 18 year old is stubborn and if I try to force him to do something, he digs his heels in and I get nowhere. My 17 year old is easygoing and does whatever I ask with no question. So, the personality of the child is also a major factor.

Ima,

You are so right. The personality has TONS to do with it. There have been plenty of times BM has come to pick up the kids, gotten upset with something they've said or done, and taken them right back to our house. She's had so many unsuccessful visits with her kids and we get blamed for all of them. Because, you know, we're teaching the kids to disrespect her.

It's been such a tough situation with her, all the way around. The kids are getting older, and we're within 6.5 years of all of this being over and done. I hate to think of it that way, but hopfully after the kids are 18 and there's no more custody/child support/visitation, we can all go about our lives and be happy.

(hey IMA, I sent you a MySpace invitation)

"I WAS upset to see him going and I probably made too big a deal with a bunch of "I'm gonna miss you's" instead of a simple "have a time at your dad's" . . . . Kids don't want either parent to be unhappy or sad and they think they are responsible for it because they are leaving."

Exactly, Ima. It's so nice to see someone else address this as it has been a problem EOW for us since day 1. After years of telling my SD that she is not responsible for her mom's happiness and mom won't really be just sitting on the couch waiting until SD comes back she is finally realizing it. This could also have something to do with the fact mom is recently remarried with a new baby and therefore not "alone."

I will never understand a parent who will make their child hurt so that they don't.