What in the word did I get myself into?

witsend_2007

19 years ago

I have a 21 yr old SS. I have four children of my own. Two are adults, work hard to make a living, and hsve their own place. We have one infant together. My SS, from the time he was a little boy, has always been able to manipulate his father into believing that anything the SS did wrong, was caused because of someone else. He was in trouble at school all the time - several times a week. He ended up getting permanently expelled for punching the principle because he had drugs on him, and thought his "rights" would be violated if he emptied his pockets. Of course, dad got him in program to get his GED> Then dad set him up in apprenticeship program where he worked (Union). They have wroked together for three years. Dad had to go on to a job in another state, and SS went inl ate all the time, left early, or didnt show up. He had a final warning, and then two days later got into a fight with his boss and walked out. So, dear old dad has paid out over $800 just this week for the kids rent, electric, groceries, fix his vehicle, ect ect.

Anywayz - in the past, SS has made numerous threats to me and my minor children, as well as himself. One night the law took him (he was living here - again) - for making such threats to me and himself. They took him to mental hospital - which put him on meds, but he refuses to buy them. SO. Now, dear old dad is out of town again, anf this kid comes out here and acts as if he owns the place - doesnt knock, comes in and uses or eats whatever he feels like. His vehicle was broke down, so he worked on it all day. When he came in, I asked him if he needed a ride home, or if he got it fixed. His reply: I dont need a F#%@$!ride from, or anything else. Then he calls dad a few minutes later, and acts like Mr. Nice guy, talk nice to dad, tell dad he needs more money, so on and so forth. SS leaves, and dad calls a bit later - and tells me to go to the ATM tomorrow to get the SS some more money. I said "No way - not after the way he comes in here and acts and talks to me, and then turns around and calls you and acts like mr perfect son." Now dear husband is mad at me. Geez. His kid comes to my home, acts like he owns the place, (after all it IS HIS DADS - as he likes to tell me - and tells me he has more rights to anything out here because him and his dad are blood!!!) This stuff has been going on for years. I hoped after he had gotten out on his own, things would lighten up, but they havent. Everytime his kid gets around me when his dad isnt around, Im a nervous wreck because of the way he acts. Yet dad thinks I should overlook it cause he might have some mental problems like his Bio Mom. Please help - and thanks for the vent.

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Comments (5)

sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sounds to me like even the dad is scared of this kid. And not without reason. Do you think that's the case?

And I think you know what you've gotten yourself into. (and I'm sorry for you)
brass_tacks
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wits end,
No doubt your husband feels frustrated that his son is such a pain in the rear, but he probably also feels somewhat powerless to help the son change. You and your husband are not going to change this 21 year old. You and the husband may have influence and power--but unless the two of you can agree in total on how to respond, or how to initiate some changes in YOUR respective decisions/behaviers--well, it's a lost cause. Oh, don't forget, neither of you know what works. Oh, don't forget, even if you and your husband are on the same page, that doesn't mean that the son is going to hop-to-it. You know that change doesn't come about quickly (if ever), and when it's the other person that you would like to see change--well, don't hold your breath. That is why YOU need to learn some coping skills.

Obviously, the step son resents you, doesn't like you, and has no respect for you. All you can do is annoy him with whatever it is that you have to say or do. Even though whatever you think is correct, you do not have access to his heart. You could (or a huge maybe), but the way it is now--you don't know how.

It is your husband that is the influential person in his son's life, even though your husband might feel at times that he isn't. He just doesn't know how to use his influence/power.

You and your husband need counseling, then the two of you might learn some ways to cope with the decisions and behaviers that would help the TWO OF YOU and the son--instead of hindering--which is what the two of you are doing.

Of course, the son needs to be in counseling.

Bailing the son out of whatever is the latest need is a quick kind of fix to help the son, but the quick fix is not what the son needs for the long haul. The son needs to have control over himself and perhaps have some better ideas about what is right and what is wrong, what works and what doesn't. He needs to know what it is about himself that keeps him in a needy state.

The world goes away when I'm in my garden...dig those troubles away. Let the sadness take flight like the leaves in the breeze, to decompose by spring.
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witsend_2007
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I dont think dad is scared of his son. But he worries over him to no end, and always feels sorry for him. The SS's mom is bipolar and schizophrenic. Over the years dad and grandmother have always "felt sorry for him" (SS) because his mom has these issues, and because he had a "rough" life because his parents were divorced. (who's isnt ;) Everytime the SS did/does something wrong, after dad gets on him for it, SS will make dad feel bad by making comments such as "I have nothing to live for", " I wish I was dead" --- things along those lines (the times SS says these things is after he has done something wrong, and dad got on him for it). And in the end, dad will "fix" the problem at hand. And SS knows dad will fix or take care of or smooth it over somehow. Dad will not take a stand because he worries that SS may have the same mental issues his mom has, and that he really might one day take his own life. (and SS uses that to his benefit to make dad and grandma feel sorry for him, and to excuse his actions). SS was taken to a mental ward two years ago by the police. They had put him on several meds, but he refuses to pay for them, so he quit taking them (though he has money for other things that I wont mention here). They also wanted him to attend classes - cant remember what they were for - I think anger management. That didnt happen either. SS makes threats to peoples and peoples lives when arguing with them - well mainly just me, his ex girlfriends, or others that he thinks "wrong" him. The mother of his child has a reastraining order on him for such threats.
Anyway, Dad tells me yesterday to tell SS to just stay away from here unless dad is here. So when SS showed up at front door, I gave him the $ dad told me to, and he tries to push his way into the house. I told him what his dad told me about staying away from here unless dad is here. Soooooo ---- SS calls dear dad today, and tells him I wouldnt let him come in to use the phone . And now my hubby is mad at me about it! I dont get it!!!! He tells me to tell him that - and then gets angry because I did. I love my husband, and dont want my marriage "on the rocks" again (which it gets everytime SS pulls his attitude, cussing, and yelling at me). Some times I want to throw in the towel, pack up our baby boy, and get the H@## out of here. But, Ive been down that road with my first marriage. Really dont want to travel it again. Frankly, our marriage is good. But when SS gets involved, me and hubby end up in awful arguments. If there ever comes a time in the future that dad lets SS move back in here, I definately WILL leave with baby, becasue I am not going to live that dad to day life on eggshells, arguing, ect again, and will not subject my little guy to it. Any more advice or thoughts?
brass_tacks
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wits End,
How long will your husband be gone? So you are in a kind of emergency for advise. I lost sight of that when I wrote my previous post.

Is the 21 year old trying to find new employment? So your husband is mad at you because you wouldn't let his son in to use your phone. Why wouldn't you let his son in to use the phone? Did you know that is what he wanted to do when he tried to force himself into the house? I'm not saying that you over-reacted then, or ever over-react, but some people get upset so easily and bring out the worst in the people they are around.

For emergency kind of advise for you while your husband is out of town...just keep yourself busy and enjoy your children and baby. You must have plenty to do. Make up your mind that you are going to have compassion on your husband while he tries to help his son. You will be much more appreciated if you go along with your husband trying to help his son. So you can see lots wrong with the way the son has been enabled to be a kind of cripple--but that kind of discussion with your husband on the phone or with anyone else at this time should be avoided. Don't be fueling the fire inside you with thoughts of despair and reasons why you should get worried. This is a stressful time of the year--try to be easy-going. OK, every day can be a stressful day for people that don't handle problems.

Your husband's son is stressful most of the time because he doesn't know how to handle problems. He lashes out and blames others for what happens and thereby is able to live with himself. It's important for your husband to help his son--he is going to do that whether you like it or not. Accept that fact. In a way, you have to know your place too. Yes, you DO have a problem, but right now it is more important that you join your husband with the spirit of cooperation.Were you living with your husband when the son was still living at home?

Think about this, the son can't come and go into the home that was once his home. Think about how that might feel. Have some compassion. I don't mean that you should cater to him, just have some understanding and don't be quick to put him in his place. It is the dad's responsibility to explain some things to his son. It is the dad's place to let his son know that he cares about you and wants the two of you to enjoy a family life. The son feels somewhat rejected by your emergence--take these ideas into consideration and don't start planning what you are going to do if the son comes back home. Not yet anyway.

If you are going to stay in your husband's life, then you have to accept his son the way he is. He may get help and he may not. If the father wants to help his son, then pay for his son's medicine--that would be a step in the right direction. Something absolutely very, very important--the son will need to have a doctor that he sees in order to keep getting his prescriptions, and the son will have to take this medicine thing very serious. I don't know if you know anything about being on drugs for bi-polar or some kind of mental condition, you need to get informed. Get yourself educated about bi-polar, etc. The time spent on becoming educated will be a step in the right direction. It will help you know how to help and respond. I don't have time to go on about it. Face it, you are involved and need to be educated to cope.

PAY FOR THIS KID'S MEDICINE!!!
sandstone
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am having similar problems with our 19yr old SD, and it is hard to come to the conclusion but we have to let them go.... Some kids need to have the safety net ripped out from under them to fully appreciate the consequences of their actions. If Dad has always believed his tales then he himself has not had to deal with his inadequecies. at 21 he can take care of himself, will he? I don't know. He may not, but you guys can't keep him away from the lifestyle he wants to lead. At 21 you can not force him to go to a psychiatrist. Unfortunately he probably doesn't think there is one thing wrong with him. I would try to talk to him about it, both you and your husband tell him you love and want to help him... but don't keep supporting the negative behavior.

What in the word did I get myself into?

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sweeby

brass_tacks

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witsend_2007
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What in the word did I get myself into?

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sweeby

brass_tacks

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witsend_2007
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