I wanted to add that SS29 ambivalence toward DS6 is not new. SS29 did not come to the hospital to see him when he was born, has babysat only a few times and I canot recollect a time when he has taken my son anywhere. Maybe to a movie once? It never occured to me that whatever resentment SS29 harbors towards me as the SM would spill over to my son, his 1/2 brother but I think it has. I think part of it is that we live a fairly comfortable life, not wealthy, but ok. My son has the trappings of middle class life, bikes, games, lessons, parties. SS29 did not grow up that way at all and cannot provide that kind of life for his kids 8 and 2.

But, DS6 has cancer now and I thought these grown stepkids would rise above things and rally around their really ill little brother. Sometimes I wonder if they take my boy's illness seriously or are they clueless on how to act? Anyway, trying to expose my son to a cold in order to take your son to a movie when a cold could land DS6 in the hospital because of his weakened immune system has really gotten my attention on SS29's real feelings. Don't know what to make of it, it's hard to understand.

First, I am so sorry that your precious little son is suffering such a terrible illness. I can only imagine as a parent what you must be going through emotionally. I think the following statement says much about your stepson:
" SS29 has two kids of his own, 8 and 2. 8 yr old son has many emotional issues, is in therapy that I arranged, and has been kicked out of several schools."
It sounds as though your stepson has problems of his own and those problems are being passed down to his children...I always think it's important to be honest and forthright about your feelings, even if it doesn't produce the desired outcome. At least you know you gave it your best by letting him know exactly how you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with your son and you.

I am sorry your family is suffering.

But to be fair if your son cannot be around sick people why would you take him to the movies? and I am guessing thats what your SS was thinking too if he were thinking at all about it.

My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. I would have dh call son before xmas and make it absolutely clear he can not bring sick child. That you are doing Xmas, but that a sick child there could be life threatening.

I think that many children will not feel a sibling relationship if they didnt grow up with a child, and in any event you cant force it.

Pseudo mom,

My DS6 can go to some public places as long as they are not crowded and we are careful. His doctors say movies are ok as long as they are empty matinees, we wipe down the seats with anti-bacterial wipes and sit apart from other people. He can't be around crowds but if the place is relatively empty it's ok. We do a lot of hand washing too everywhere we go.

As insensitive as this will sound ...

Maybe he doesn't want to get close out of fear ... could happen to his own children. Close in ages.

Sorry I know it doesn't help.

so sorry to hear about your son. yes you have to tell SS that sick children are not allowed over for Christmas. explain to him what doctor said.

pseudo, what are you talking about, cancer is not contagious. how can he be afraid it will happen to his children? he is 29, he better know that you canot pass cancer.

I think you can look at it a couple ways...some people just don't know how to act in a very emotionally trying situation. Some people act like NOTHING is wrong and carry on, others act like the world is falling apart at the seams.

It sounds like SS already has issues emotionally and is probably choosing to ignore, it may be the only way he knows how to cope with it. And I have had a cousin with cancer as a child in the family, I remember her saying she wished everyone treated her normally.

I understand that FD ... but if death is something he has never dealt with before it could be scaring him yeah he is an adult and a dad he could be doing the what ifs ... what if this happens to his child.

guessing he wasn't even thinking about his kid having a cold thinking well if he is ok to go to the movies ...

I know when my son was sickly he did not have cancer but it is genetic disorder and certain family members shunned him because they were afraid of their own insecurites... it was nothing against my son.

All,

The thing that really gets me is that SS29 hasn't really done much for his sick little brother. I don't know if I will be able to forget this period of time since of course my little boy adores his big brother. SS29 still only surfaces when he has his hand out for something and hasn't helped at all during this difficult time. SD35 has come to the hospital, comes by the house sometimes, asks about DS6. I wish she would do more too since we are in an all hands on deck situation but at least she has been involved and concerned.

Hi Lamom -- There are some very similar dynamics in my family. DH's first two children are S36 and D28, and our son together (who has special needs) just turned 13. Hubby was a teen father fist time around who married the kid's Mom and worked his tail off to support them. They were not well off and Hubby's first marriage was lousy, which really, wasn't surprising in the circumstances. But now DH and I are now older and financially comfortable and our son enjoys a much more comfortable standard of living and every advantage in terms of involved and loving parents. Not to mention the extra attention he needs (and gets) because of his issues.

Bottom line -- It's easy for me to see how Hubby's older children would resent our son together. He enjoys everything their Dad could never give them -- lots of time, material advantages, the security of a happy marriage. And while my son may be "their brother" I can see why they wouldn't feel that way about him. They did not grow up together. They're a whole generation apart age-wise, so have no common interests. They share very few similar family experiences; in fact, their whole life stories are nearly complete opposites. So while son hero-worships them, my adult stepkids certainly don't show him the kind of consideration they show each other or even their similar-aged cousins. They just don't care about him that much. And I don't let it bother me so long as they are kind and patient -- and they are.

I don't mean to excuse your SS's actions. It was very inconsiderate of him to include his sick child, and I expect that he did dismiss your concerns as exaggerations. There may even have been a passive-aggressive element in his actions calculated especially to tick you off or thumb his nose at his father -- who knows? But try to forgive him and keep the relationship alive, for your husband's sake as well as your son's.

I'm just trying to explain what I think may be his side of the story...

But for Christmas, do a round of 'preventative' phone calls saying how much you look forward to seeing everyone, but that if they're unable to make it because someone's sick, that you'll understand and appreciate their concern for your son's well-being.

Another alternative might be to move the large family gathering to someone else's house so you have the option to leave if someone shows up sick.

Sweeby,

You make good points. There are many similarities. My son did not have special needs before his cancer diagnosis but he does now. He went to a cushy private pre-school while SS29's son was in HeadStart. Even at such a young age DS6 has traveled quite a bit with me, a great deal more than his 2 adult sibs put together. There is a generational gap, in fact SS29's eldest son,8, is older than DS6 so DS was an uncle at birth. Also, my son is growing up in a much more comfortable lifestyle that his 1/2 brother and sister did with activities, friends and stuff that they, SS29 especially, did not receive because of DH and BM's divorce, among other things. When DH and BM divorced their home was sold in the property settlement and neither SS29 who was 14 at the time or BM have recovered since. I have known for some time that SS29 is jealous of DS6, he as much as told me so recently. Of course, the contrast between how DS6 is being raised and how SS29 is raising his own two kids is major.

That being said, at least you would think they would care more for a young, sick relative. What is their message, "you may have a nice home, toys and privileges but you've got cancer and we don't?"

I think you are right that the movie episode was a passive/aggressive way to get under my skin plus just plain disregard for my son. As I said, the movie episode is not the biggest thing that has happened but to me, it shows where his thinking is regarding my son, his 1/2 "brother." As I said before, I have worked very hard over 15 years to make inroads with my stepkids and am having some success finally with SD35. She is very mature, married, well educated and doing well professionally. No kids herself but does a lot for and with her nephews, SS29's kids among other relatives including DS6. She has had divided loyalties between BM and me as well as SS29's kids versus mine but we have a friendship now that is growing. Maybe that is because she is not as needy in as many areas as SS29.

I guess it's time to categorize SS29 and his crew as my DH's relatives versus my son's brother and nephews. I think that will make it easier for me to distance myself and child from them. DH is free to promote closer ties of course among his three children but has relied on me a lot for outreach to them. No mas!

So sorry to hear about your son's illness.

Can I ask,how does your husband feel about the whole thing? Is he upset by it at all or is he trying to make excuses for SS?
Also,your DS6.Was he very hurt by it(the movie thing)?

Depending on how much it effects DS6 would be how I based my decision to cause him the least amount of stress.If it will upset him that they arent there then I would still have them over,but would be cordial only and avoid them as much as I could.

If DS6's feelings are really hurt by his brother,then I wouldnt invite them over.Especailly if you dont think you could handle being around them at all.If it was me,I'd feel exactly how you're feeling.

So have you decided what you are going to do yet?

iloveexercise,

My DS6's feelings are not hurt over the movie incident because I did not tell him that we were going. I don't tell him where we are going in case something changes so he is not disappointed. It's a good policy that helped a lot here.

DH feels that SS29 was inconsiderate and just wanted to make sure his son, 8, saw the movie and got a free meal. He says that he will make sure that he is not put in that position again.

On Christmas Eve, I am not going to uninvite them but I am also not going to remind them (they are notoriously unreliable on their own) and I am going to plan everything assuming they will not be at our home.

I wonder too if your SS thinks that you and DH are cheating his kids (*the grandchildren*) out whatever (attention, gifts, financial help..) because the two of you decided to have a child together. Maybe he thinks it's his dad's time to be grandpa and not dad again. It's just a thought, but you know what I mean. It sounds like he must really feel that he is always on the short end of the stick.

"I guess it's time to categorize SS29 and his crew as my DH's relatives versus my son's brother and nephews. I think that will make it easier for me to distance myself and child from them. DH is free to promote closer ties of course among his three children but has relied on me a lot for outreach to them. No mas!"

Absolutely! And you can bet that's how he categorizes you and your son. And for what it's worth, I don't mean that in a nasty way. I mean it literally in a 'not my problem' kind of way. Your husband's son is your husband's issue. You care about him, but he's simply not your son. Or even your "son". (as in 'sort of son', stepson, whatever)

And while I have a pretty good relationship with mine, that's how I regard them as well -- as Hubby's kids, not as my stepkids. I didn't parent them, and they don't consider me a 'mom'. We're cordial, friendly relatives. No less. No more.

(Sadly, Gerina's point may also be on target.)

Sounds like you've made the best decision.Good that your husband and you are on the same page too.Wish you the best!

I'm so sorry about your son! That has to be devistating for you. I know he's everything to you, as it should be. But I've got another perspective.

My parents divorced when I was 11, my brother was 9 and my sister was 5. He remarried a few years later. When I was 23 I had my daughter. He and his wife had a son the following year. The son considers me, my brother and my sister as his siblings, one hundred percent. My father and his wife feel the same way. But my brother and sister and I do not. The three of us are brother and sisters. We grew up together, we have the history. The half brother is an afterthought.

One, he was born after we were all grown. Two, they live in a different state than any of us. I like him fine. He gets along with my kids great. But there's no connection there. What's really irritating is that my dad talks about all the things he does with him that he never did with us. And how great a dad he is. Well all he ever was to us after the divorce was money. He has a lot of it and we had everything we ever wanted, but no dad.

Do I resent him? Not at all, but like I said, there's no connection. I've got my own life, and my own kids and my own struggles. My stepmother is a great person and I love my dad. But if my little "brother" were to have cancer, I would be sad, but it wouldn't be as devistating as if my real brother got cancer.

Your stepson may be a self centered person, or can't deal with all of this. And I'm not excusing his behavior, but he may not have that connection to your son that you think he should have.

lamom, I am SO sorry about your son. It is awful that, not only do you have to deal with your precious child having this awful condition, but you have to deal with insensitivity and total lack of emotional support from your DSS. You have to think of DS and what is best (or harmful) to him, as it is your job to protect him. I would definitely distance myself emotionally, if not literally, from DSS. I also would NOT allow anyone at my home over the holidays whom I knew was sick (adult or otherwise.) You certainly can tell people that in a firm but nice way, and if they don't understand, that's their problem. Best of luck to you.

Wow Gerina and Azura 123, (especially Azura and any other grown Skids ou there)

I think you have hit the nail on the head...Gerina 1. SS29 probably although not correctly feels that DH should be acting like a granddad now instead of a dad to a young child. There is no question that DH does things for our DS6 that they probably think should be done for SGS8 and SGS2. Guess what, I agree with you! Durr!!! Especially since a lot was not done for them as kids. I felt that before but to hear(read) it said by someone else is so validating. Don't think it makes me feel nicer since I still see it as self-centered and immature but at least I comprehend now.

2. Azura(and any adult grown stepchildren out there interested in the dynamics of real life) you are right, their young brother is an afterthought, it's definitely true. I have had much resentment about this but apparently from Azura's post among others that's just the way it is, the human condition.

However, I am human too and have influence on how things go down. AZURA (and any other adult skids), wake up, your dad and SM can and will cut you off from the $$$. What my knuckleheaded SS29 doesn't know, and probaly most skids don't consider is that I have been a STRONG advocate on his behalf with DH, his dad, for a long time. My DH focuses on our young son as he should, feels that his son, age 29, pushing 30, is an adult who doesn't need him so much. Not really true unfortunately, I have seen this, but hey, I'm just the inherently evil step mom. I now, officially, have no interest in remaining as an advocate for them at all. Now it's time for them as the grown folks they are to "find their own level." LOL, if they can't find it, it will find them.

Our upcoming gathering on Xmas Eve is the finale for me. The skids will come, get a good meal and gifts. How stupid of adult stepkids to think that the stepmom's influence is so limited. Pissing them off them off is dumb and I am now, officially pissed off. Note to skids, MY SON HAS A RARE, AGGRESSIVE, LIFE THREATENING CANCER. Your earlier disappointments and trauma don't compare to his highly probable outcome. Try DEATH at 6 years old on for size. I don't mean the shoes your father and step-mother bought for you since the divorce so you could get over it.

I would probably be more forgiving as I have been in the past if my DS6 did not have a life threatening disease. Except he does. With a 50/50 chance at best of surviving the year and 30/70 chance at worst. Sorry, that trumps the lingering regrets, resentments, insecurities, jealousies etc. of the stepchild crowd for me. They need to GROW UP. Then MAN UP. Whoops, I'm talking about step kids now, those things are generally are outside of their range.

Yes, I'm angry. My little boy, 6 to remind you, has nothing to do with his sibs earlier traumas, if any, or really anything else that is wrong with them, their beefs, how they missed out, BS after the BM blah blah blah. My little boy,6, THE EMOTIONAL AFTERTHOUGHT for the first families, worships his big brother and sister. I can't tell him or explain tht he is an afterthought. What with his chemo weekly and all.
Can they look at the mirror and say "do I want my little half brother to die?" Try that one on for size.

Lamom,
First, I think everyone here thinks that there could be more compassion where your son is concerned. It's horrible to think of what he and your family are going through. I am truly sorry for your situation.

"Sorry, that trumps the lingering regrets, resentments, insecurities, jealousies etc. of the stepchild crowd for me. They need to GROW UP. Then MAN UP. Whoops, I'm talking about step kids now, those things are generally are outside of their range."

When you say this, you are invalidating the feelings of other children. Your son may be upset that his brother does not see him. This is a valid feeling. You may be very angry that his siblings don't do more for him. That too is valid. But to say that your pain, and his pain, is more valid that the pain of a child who has to grow up watching other kids get what they never had (a dad in the house, a loving mom, two parents, whatever) isn't right.

Just because your son is dying it does not make his pain more valid. It is more tragic. Undeniably. But the people who will have to live with their decisions and come to terms with "not doing enough" will be his siblings. I'm sure someday they will have to look at themselves in the mirror and not like what they see. That too, is a tragedy.

I understand that you are angry and hurt for your son. This is a natural emotion. The first children of a marriage also are hurt, and angry that they did not get the "best" of their parents.

"Your earlier disappointments and trauma don't compare to his highly probable outcome. Try DEATH at 6 years old on for size. I don't mean the shoes your father and step-mother bought for you since the divorce so you could get over it."

We cannot compare pain. Were a child to die at six it is far more tragic to adults than it would be to that child. They don't have a full understanding of the loss of their life. I don't think this is about your son. I think this is about you. You are scared, you are angry and you are really upset that others do not show the same devotion to your son. I don't judge you for that. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

To a child of divorce, that is a death. It is a death of their family, it is a death of their life, it is a separation of their protectors. New shoes, as you so blithely wrote...are not comfortable to walk in either. They are blister inducing and painful. They do not make the pain of a divorce go away.

You are expecting people to be sensitive to you, yet you are not sensitive to their problems. No one's problems are greater than another persons. Even when death is involved.

Lamom,

I am really sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through. I will keep him in my prayers. Forgive me if this is too nosey, but I was wondering if he has neuroblastoma? A friend of mine's daughter is in remission and doing well---she has neuroblastoma. Just the way you described the cancer--as being rare and aggressive--made me think of NB.

I don't really have any words of advice for you except that I think as much as possible you have to not let your SS's actions (or lack, thereof) bother you. Focus on your beautiful son and your DH. It sounds like SS is immature and self-absorbed, anyway, so my guess is he would behave like this no matter who were sick---try not to take it personally.

Again, I am so sorry that your son is sick.

Silversword,

I agree with almost everything you wrote, except for this:

"No one's problems are greater than another persons. Even when death is involved."

Ok, I am sorry, but some people's problems ARE worse than others. Yeah, divorce sucks, and it's sad that these SKs didn't get the childhood that every kid deserves. That IS sad. But ya know what? GET OVER IT and move on. My mom is an alcholic and she drank from the time I was 9 until I was 21. It was bad. And my parents divorced when I was 18. And that was sad. But those are things that a person can WORK PAST.

Having a child with cancer must be a LIFE CHANGING experience. And if a child DIES---well, there is just NO working past that. That is a grief that will NEVER go away and that IS WORSE, WAY WAY WORSE, than the pain of a divorce.

I understand the point you're getting at---that pain is relative. I am sure the SKs do have feelings about their parents' divorce, and the fact that their little brother has the dad THEY didn't get. But he also has CANCER.

Kind of puts a divorce into perspective!

That said---it is certainly not the adult SKs FAULT that their half-brother has cancer.

I think the main issue here is that lamom is scared and hurting and loves her child and none of us can imagine the pain she's going through. And it's disappointing that her SS doesn't feel a connection to his brother. But lamom can't force that connection, so I think the best she can do is to try and "let it go" and just focus all of her energy on her son.

Wait wait wait.

Emotional pain is emotional pain. Problems are relative. I know people who have had a child die, and while they don't "get over it" they move on and have happy lives. I know others who never recover.

Same with divorce. The divorce of my parents had little to no impact on me. Others I know were completely devastated and have become emotionally damaged adults as a result.

You can "get past" a death just like you can "get past" a divorce.

I think losing a child would be THE WORST thing that could ever happen to me. The worst. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. But the OP was comparing the 6 year old's disease pain with the 29 year old s-kids divorce pain. Can the pain of your own death be more painful than the pain of your parents love dying? No way to gauge. That's the only reason I brought it up. She's telling s-kids to put on their big girl panties and man up. The pain here isn't the kids pain. It's the pain the mother is projecting onto the kid. So comparing the pain of your child dying to any pain is pointless. That would be the worst pain ever. I totally agree.

I say, don't invalidate pain. He does have cancer. Is having cancer worse than a divorce? I've been through a divorce, and it was like being ill for two years. I've never had cancer. I wouldn't want cancer. But I wouldn't tell someone that my pain is worse than theirs. How do you gauge that? Well, I have a headache... oh yeah? Well, I have a broken arm... um... if you're not in that body, there is no way of knowing whose pain is worse.

6 year old kid is sad. His brother doesn't see him.
6 year old kid is sad. His dad moved out and never sees him.

Which is worse? I think it's only worse in the first situation if you know the kid has cancer and may die. Then it's worse for the parents because they know the kid may not have an opportunity to know their older brother. It's the parent's projection of the gravity of the situation that makes it worse.

The divorce cannot be put in perspective for a kid of 6 who is mourning the loss of their family. "well, kid, it could be worse, you could have cancer".

I agree with you that "...the main issue here is that lamom is scared and hurting and loves her child and none of us can imagine the pain she's going through. And it's disappointing that her SS doesn't feel a connection to his brother. But lamom can't force that connection, so I think the best she can do is to try and "let it go" and just focus all of her energy on her son."

It's tragic. It's horrible. And I am very very sorry.

Silversword,

yes I am angry and scared. Divorce, loss of a two parent home, creature comforts, loss of identity don't stack up to what a child with cancer will lose if he loses his fight. Period. Look at things realistically, not sympathetically, as I must. These kids of divorce can have therapy, can move on or not as they choose. Death is final, no repreive. no therapies or second chances outside of Heaven. Are these Skids going to heaven I wonder with their bitterness and resentment? I wonder what my little "AFTERTHOUGHT" as he was categorized as above would think if he knew the real deal. Blessedly, at 6 years old, he doesn't realize all of this ugliness.

BTW, we do not know that my DS6 will die. He might but all of our attention,resources and effort are to make that not happen. Many people are praying for him. He is having full on medical care, please do not think of him as among the dying as he is not there yet. My "traumatized" SS29, reemphasize, 29 years of age, a fully grown man with a family, doesn't get that yet. Not to be offensive but my DS6 may not only never have a family as his brother has since he will at minimum be sterilized from chemo treatments, he may never have sex as his brother has done, kids, a date, go to middle school, drive a car, or have the opportunity to be "traumatized" and feel sorry for himself for the rest of his life since his life may or may not last past 6 to 7 years. Yes, you are right in the coldest way, the loss of his life to him will not affect him the way it will affect us, his parents who know what he has lost. Did you really think about that before you said it?! Think about that as you are judging me versus these stepkids who live on with their anger and disappointment. Put that in to relative perspective and reconsider your judgement on these very adult matters. My son is only 6 years old and doesn't know how these ADULTS really feel about him. I am crying while I write this because it is deeply tragic. When, I mean, when he survives this threat to his life, he will have to contend with the immature, jealous, "traumatized" adults who are unfortunately, his closest relatives beyond DH and me.

Yes, my son's illness is not my Skids fault. Also, my DH and his exe's divorce is not my son's fault or mine. All things do not rank equally as all mature people know. Two D's, Divorce - Death. Divorce - emotional deaths of a kind that one can recover from. Real Death, God willing will not happen to DS6. I am angry because anyone, starting with my adult Skids and some here do not understand the difference.

As I write this to you and anyone else reading it, I feel less and less of any feeling for SS29 and his offspring. There is more than one type of trauma in all of this. Anyone reading this is partially experiencing mine.

lamom, I just want to tell how sorry I am that you are going through this. The last thing you need is feeling let down by family. I do understand and have felt the pain you are going through. Your son will be in my thoughts and prayers. Positive vibes coming your way.

"please do not think of him as among the dying as he is not there yet"

That's why I wrote "may be dying". I only wish for the best for your son and I think positive thoughts do have an impact on things.

"Yes, you are right in the coldest way, the loss of his life to him will not affect him the way it will affect us, his parents who know what he has lost. Did you really think about that before you said it?! Think about that as you are judging me versus these stepkids who live on with their anger and disappointment. "

I am not judging you, please don't think that. I think you are well within your rights to feel disappointed and angry that a little boy is not being treated with respect during what could possibly be the hardest fight of his life.

I am asking you to not judge stepchildren for their individual, complex feelings. I am saying that these are your feelings, and that his feelings are not greater than those of another child who is being treated poorly by a family member simply because he is ill. The feelings are valid either way. As you said...""Blessedly, at 6 years old, he doesn't realize all of this ugliness."

He is blessed to not realize the ugliness. That is truly a blessing. The stepchildren will have to live with the knowledge that they didn't spend time with their brother for the rest of their lives.

I do understand the difference between death and divorce. But people do not understand the pain of one or the other unless it directly affects them. You are traumatized because it is your son. We are affected because we feel your pain, but not so much as you. It is in degrees. I was horrified when my best friends daughter died last year at three months, after agony and hospitalization and incredible pain on her parents part. The pain of her death was much greater than the pain of the death of others I have known, simply because I knew her parents better, she was so young, they were older and really wanted a child... etc.

My point is that pain is subjective. You expect your stepchildren to have the same level of pain as you do because they are adults. I do not judge you for wanting them to have compassion. I agree with you. But to say that for skids things like "growing up" and "manning up" "...are generally are outside of their range" is generalizing and judgemental.

I have experienced the death of childhood friends and family members. Tragic, senseless deaths. A person can never be replaced. It is something that cannot be repaired. We can never go back to the way it was before a tragedy. We are all just living our lives the best way we know how, learning our lessons.

Silversword's words said what I believe, but much more eloquently than I could have. I cannot imagine what it must be like for my child to have such a disease. I can empathize with your anger at this situation, no doubt. But the fact remains that when there is a child born in a situation where the half siblings are already adults, you are NOT going to get the connection between them that you feel they should have. The situation would devistate me if I were the parent here. And if my half brother had cancer, I would personally do everything I could to give my father and stepmother the support they needed.

But I do take issue with your comments about the money being cut off. I do not take a dime from my father and have not asked for any since the day I got married 15 years ago. Every phone conversation I have with him he asks if I need any money and every time I say no. I am an adult. My husband has a wonderful well paying career, I have a wonderful well paying career, we have a nice house, drive two nice cars and have almost no debt aside from the mortgage. To assume that I am still on dad's payroll is a bit presumptious. After I graduated from college, I was no longer my father's responsibility. My brother and sister are in similar situations and they agree with my feelings on this.

Your stepson may be a loser, he may not feel a connection, he may be resentful of the whole situation. Its tough for an adult child who had no daily contact with his/her father to see his/her father do all of the things with the new kid that they never had the opportunity to do. You need to understand that. Don't worry about the stepson, just love your son and I hope he makes a full recovery.

Azura,

Maybe I misunderstood your situation, if I did I am sorry.

"Its tough for an adult child who had no daily contact with his/her father to see his/her father do all of the things with the new kid that they never had the opportunity to do. You need to understand that."

When DH first separated from BM, SS(14 at the time) did live with her in the old family house. However, within a year, SS came to live with DH because he was high school age and DH and BM agreed that his father could handle him better. So, DH was single dad to SS through the teenage years and they lived together. SD was an adult by then and living independently. DH and SS lived in a comfortable duplex in a nice neighborhood, smaller than the pre-divorce family home to be sure but SS had his own room etc. It was during that phase that DH and I started dating so I've known SS a long time. He has not changed very much since being a teenager, stunted emotionally because of the divorce maybe? BM had the chance to keep the old house in the property settlement, could not so it was sold as part of the divorce. BM received most of the proceeds but SS didn't understand how the situation really played out. SS felt that DH should have kept helping BM with the mortgage and so on. Our home is more comfortable than DH's single dad duplex but that was not a hardship place at all. However, our home is more like the house that was lost/sold during the divorce when he was 14. BM and I are extremely different people so DS6 is being raised very differently. He has a lot more material comforts to be sure, but a lot more structure to go along with it although that has changed somewhat with his illness. SS29 can't see through his resentment how things really are. He does not have his act together although he has two kids but that is the subject of another post.

Yes, I think SS29 is resentful of the whole situation. Not in small part because BM has struggled a great deal since the divorce. Not my fault but SS29 is too immature to consider that. This discussion has clarified that for me. That there is no real connection with DS6 even though he is so ill I finally get now that you and Silver have explained it. I have to think about all of this in terms of what relationship I now want with SS29. Like I said before, DH can keep trying to promote a brother relationship for his own piece of mind I guess but I'm done.

I'm very disappointed but now I understand. Don't like it but I get it. There is a major maturity gap because SD35 doesn't have any of this going on emotionally. I still think that the more the Skid has on the ball personally the better they feel about themselves and the better they get along with the stepparent and 1/2 sibs.

Lamom, I'm really sorry. As a SM myself I can understand a little what you are going through. The differences are not your fault, it is what it is. You can't change the family dynamic no matter what. There are tracks already laid that have little chance of alteration. I'm sorry your SS had to go through a divorce and that he's not mature enough or does not have enough love and compassion to see that a little person is hurting and would like some brotherly attention.

Your son is lucky to have a mom who is so concerned with his feelings and welfare. I can tell by your words that you have a lot going on. I hope you can get some peace and rest this holiday season, and I very much wish your son good health.

Update: SS29 called DH today to ask for some work cleaning his office (read: handout) DH told him no and SS29 asked if it was because I was upset over the movie incident. DH says he told him that $$ right now have to go to DS6 care and that SS29 should be able to understand that. Apparently SS29 was then silent. DH went on tell him not to expect much in terms of financial assistance for a while since we have to hire help because family has not been there for DS6. (YES!) More silence. DH talked to SD35 and she criticized SS29 over movie incident too. SD35 told SS29 today to Grow Up and stop acting like a kid. That would be his "real sister" with whom he is connected.

I had nothing to do with these events but I feel good and validated. SS29 said "maybe" they would be over for Christmas Eve. DH said since I was buying food "maybe" was not good enough anymore as he is a grown man. Read: your place is no longer secure. Ouch! Don't know what's going to happen next but I am SOOOOO pleased. Even SS29's own, "real" sister and BM are on him. Yes, it's sweet.

Lamom,
My situation is somewhat similar to yours, but I did lose my little girl & your little guy is still very much alive. My DH has 2 older kids(17,15) & we now have 3 little ones(2,2,1).
I wrote on here last Christmas about the grief my DH's 2 daughters were putting me through. I took the advice of most posters responses(THANKFULLY). I disconnected myself. I made boundaries. I now have no expectations of myself or them regarding the step or sibling relationship. I have no relationship with them & it has been of benefit to me & my family. And better for them too I think. I had hoped they could have embraced me & my boys, as I did them, but maybe some other time in life, maybe never. No hair off my chin.
Don't have any expectations of your DH's son. Be the best mother you can be to your little boy. You have so much to offer him & having anger at your DH's son will only deplete you. And I'm sure you have an over-abundance of anger. He's not a caring man, he's selfish. Accept it, get over it, & be done with it. There's too many other loving people, friends, & family members to surround your son with than him. There will be many men in your sons life that he will be able to look up to and admire. You & your little boy are in my thoughts.

Lamom.

My heart breaks for you and your family. You are in my prayers. You just have to do what is best for your precious son and those who can't understand or who choose not too are something that you just can't afford to be concerned about. Hopefully they will never understand exactly what you are going through. Insensitivity over issues like this are beyond comprehension to me. I wish you and your family the merriest of Christmases and may there be peace in your heart and all around you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your son. I wish him the best.

About your SS, if he's 29 and not working, I'm going out on a limb and saying that there's something wrong with him. I don't know about his son and his emotional problems. Maybe he has Aspergers or something. They can appear to be quite detached. OR, maybe some personality disorder.

For your own piece of mind, I wouldn't cut out SS29, but I would stop expecting him to act like a brother to your son. That probably won't change.

Yes, there are many things wrong with SS29. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child plus other emotional challenges. He has not been able to hold down a regular job for more than 6-8 months since high school when DH drove him to work.

Just heard from SD35 that SS29 and his family are going to visit his girlfriend/babymama's family instead of spending Christmas with us as usual. Like a jerk, I have bought a lot of gifts for his kids since they always need stuff and ordered a fancy catered dinner. SS29 told DH they would come, SD35 just said they are not and I believe her. She is trying to persuade me to host them on New Years Day instead.

It's hard to not have hurt feelings about this. However, from all of the posts, I know that I need to expect very little from them in terms of any familial feeling. They will always have their hands out for money, free rides and gifts, but there is no love for us. My little boy is so sick, who knows how many Christmas's he will enjoy and they are doing something else. That says it all to me. It may be petty but I am going to return the gifts and use the $$ for myself.

SS does not sound like he is in any place in life to be that involved wiht your son. he has two young kids to take care of, he apparently has issues, cannot hold a job, probably has debt etc. he is not in any stable place to be taking care of your son. I would not hope for that and just let it go. Also I was thinking that maybe SS feels resentful that his dad does not act like involved grandpa but spends all his time wiht his new son. it is understandable poor child is struggling battling cancer, but maybe SS is thinking that it is not my kids' fault, my kids deserve grandpa's time. maybe it is not about money. family dynamic is challenging.

Just a quick comment how could 8-year-old be kicked out of many schools? i have never heard of children of this age being expelled, and i worked my whole life in education. one has to have a very very serious problem to be expelled such as: bring a gun to school, sell drugs or multiple physical assaults. i cannot think of any other reason that public school would expell such a young student.

finedreams,

I don't know where you live but here schools don't tolerate a lot of problems from young kids if they don't have to. SGS8 is not the only troubled child that I know who has been kicked out of pre-school and elementary. To date he has been kicked out of 2-3 pre-school/headstart programs as well as kindergarten. He is in a public elementary school now that has to keep him like you say but he has been suspended and sent home many times.

He has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Very difficult to deal with.

all of this only explains that SS's mind is probably preoccupied wiht dealing with difficult child, his other very young son and his own issues. there is probably not much time and energy left for anything else. I would not expect much from him under the circumstances.

as about Christmas dinner, by then his son will probably won't be sick anymore and hopefully they can visit. I wouldn't cut them off. why would you? if you want them in your son's life then you should leave your door open! hope your son feels better.

Yes, Thanks to the posts here I now see and agree that a big part of the problem is that SS29 probably feels that DH should be an involved grandpa instead involved dad of a young kid again. I had not thought of it that way, I knew there was jealousy since that has been made plain. I thought the jealousy was from SS29 to DS6 since DS6 has a kid's life that SS29 did not have. Did not consider that he might feel that DH should be sharing all of that with his two kids as a loving, involved grandpa.

Well, none of that is my fault or DS6's fault. For a long time I picked up the now 8 year old, took him places, had him come over our home etc. until I couldn't take him any more. DH is definitely not an involved grandpa and doesn't have strong grandpa feelings at all for his grandsons. DH feels that SS29 is too irresponsible to have kids and that rubs off in his feelings. The fact that the 8 year old is so troubled and hard to handle makes it worse. DH recently told me that he is sick of them all. I think that might really be at the core of the problems with SS29 and his girlfriend/babymama thinking that their kids should be getting more as grandkids versus my DS6. And, in their selfish thinking, I bet they are thinking that it's not their or their kids fault that DS6 is sick. It's a strong explanation of some really bad behavior.

On Christmas, the door is still open but they are now saying that they are going to babymama's family instead. My first feeling was that the know that this might be DS6 last Christmas, how could they? But now I know how they can . A close friend told me good riddance to bad rubbish since it will probably be for the best that they not show. I am returning the many gifts I bought for their kids and will use the $$$ for a spa day for self!

Just my opinion--I would not return the gifts you bought for SS's kids, regardless of how angry you are at him. Those are still your DH's grandsons and I really don't think it's fair to punish the children because their dad is a self-centered @$$. I would CERTAINLY return any gifts you might have bought for SS, though. He is an adult and he's capable of having a mature adult relationship with you but he is obviously choosing not to do that.

i'm sorry, but telling you they are going to be there for Christmas and then making plans to be elsewhere WITHOUT telling you is just plain rude. I think you have every right to call him up and say "I need to know if you are coming to dinner or not. I am having this meal catered and I am happy to have food for you if you are GOING TO BE THERE but if you're not attending, then I will be canceling part of the food order."

To me, that is just common courtesy on SS's part and it's rude of him to say he's going to be there with the kids and then not show.

DH took me and DS6 to the same original movie event that sparked me to start this post. It is a great show with live performances as well as the movie. As I sat there I realized (in large part from everyone here's perspective) that, yes, that is the kind of thing that an involved grandpa could/should/would do for his grandkids. That is what SS29 is feeling, I get it now.

I am returning the many gifts I bought SS29's kids. They are not my grandkids, DH can get gifts if he wants (usually, like most wives, I do the shopping) it's not too late. They have drawn a line with their hands out at the worst possible time. I will really use the money on either myself or to make our Christmas Eve gathering that we will have without them better.

I do alot of what you do lamom,and it is not fair to us or the children.
I used to buy my step children their gifts (pick them out persoanlly) Make the plans of what we were going to do while they were here and such,and then one day I just stopped.
It is not my responsibility,especailly when often it wasnt appreciated.
It is up to the dads (our husbands) to do these things for THEIR KIDS.We cant force them to though.They have to WANT to on their own.

I think its fine if SMs expect Dads to do everything for their kids, as long as SMs carry their own weight -- contribute 1/2 of household, 1/2 of house etc. But if SM expects dad to carry more weight in any other category -- then it is one-sided. Which could be one reason why second marriages dont last long on average.

Well,my marriage isnt a second one,so your little comment doesnt pertain to me.
Personally,I do alot more then half and I'm sure other SM's feel they do as well.

I think every situation is different. As men earn more than women on average, I tend to think this comment does apply to some SMs. But do what you want.

kkny,

I definitely do more than 1/2 when it comes to my skids. Not just with $$$ but with doing things for them. Plus $$$. I have done a lot more than 1/2 for DH's grandkids. Hence the gifts I've bought for them that I am returning. If my husband wants them to have gifts, he can shop for them, I think that is more than fair. They love him although the way they show it is not that great. These are people who don't care very much about their 1/2 brother who is 6 years old with cancer. What do you expect?

I am going to put a thought out there that hasnt been mentioned yet, but is a possible explanation for part of the young mans aversion to his ill half brother.

My sister passed away a few years ago, at the age of 35, after a six month battle with cervical cancer. ( get your pap smears ladies, it could save your life)

After her original diagnosis, which occurred right around Xmas time, everyone , friends, immediate family, long lost relatives, all came to see her. It was assumed that she would recover, since most cervical cancer does not result in death, because its caught early on. Sadly, that was not the case with my sis.

As it became more obvious that she was very gravely ill, people began to withdraw from her. In the last four months of her life, most of the family who were not immediately close to her, made excuses why they couldnt get over to see her, and ALL, and i do mean ALL of the young men in the family between the ages of 15 and 35, pretty well avoided her like the plague.

Many many young adults cannot handle the thought of human mortality, and are extremely uncomfortable with someone who is seriously ill. Men are worse at it than women are. This young man doesnt feel particularly close to the six year old anyway, since, although they share a dad, they are more than twenty years in age difference, and a lifetime apart in experiences. Instead of assumeing that this young man is intending to be hurtful and insulting...

Perhaps he is just uncomfortable with the thought of death or illness, as MOST people his age are, and is avoiding the boy for that reason, since they havent been particularly close, because of age and circumstance.

I just am not ready to hang this young man out to dry for behaviour that I saw fairly often from many people during my sisters illness. People who were otherwise very good caring people.

Kathline,

You make a good point. It could be that SS29 is just put off by the serious illness and is not emotionally equipped to deal with it. But, my son is still among the living, is seriously but not gravely ill yet. I would say that the relatives avoiding your sister when she really needed them the most toward the end were not right either. Part of maturity includes doing the things you know you should even when they are uncomfortable especially if someone really needs you.

Like most younger kids, DS6 worships his "big brother." His naivete breaks my heart because I know that eventually they will break his when he realizes that these people he sees as his family don't see him that way.

LAmom, when I said doing more than 1/2, I meant totality of household expenses etc.