it was from a different post. newstepmom responded to it so i knew she read it. The situation is quite different, but if newstepmom's situation is serious enough that she does not feel she can share a house with her stepchildren, I think she needs to think about how the dynamics between herself, her husband, and her stepchildren is going to affect her entire life, not just the next few years until they are grown. I actually don't think her situation is hopeless, but I do think she would be better off getting to the heart of the problems now, and trying to find a true resolution rather than throw a band-aid (or new house) on the problem and let the infection fester underneath.

my situation i don't think has a true resolution, i'm just looking for the best bandaid. But I think she can do better can with hers.

"We look people in the eye when we address them"

I don't think this particular rule has anything to do with politeness. My child, who has a processing disability, CAN NOT maintain eye contact while formulating sentences. She can not do both things at the same time.

and I know I pretty vague up there to someone who had not read the book i wrote on my own post. I am not offended by hlmhr's suggestion, just wish it were that simple...

Quirk - Thanks for not being offended (none intended, and I obviously did not have the whole picture). And good luck going home - sounds like you may need it.

TOS, in special cases, such as your DD's, that rule could likely be amended to "We face towards people when we address them".
I would hope that NSM would take a disability into account!

"We look people in the eye when we address them"

Not making light of anyone's disability. But....

I saw this and gave myself a chuckle... I tell my SC and BC all the time I cannot "hear" them if they are not looking at me when they are talking to me... I tell them I am "deaf" so I have to read their lips and if they are not looking at me I do not know they are talking to me.

I always joke about being "blind as a bat" with out my glasses... so they ask how can you read lips ...

Well here is where my chuckle comes in .... My SD now 9 :) is learning about disabilities in school they have had presenters all month. Different activities all based around defining disabilities and what they can do to help a person with disabilities ... all that good stuff.

Well My SD 9 asked if I would go to her school and "talk" about my disabilities ... what do you mean ... she says I told my teacher you were "deaf and blind" so she wants to know if you can come and talk to the class!!!!

I have met the teacher ... so maybe she has me confused with someone else... but I just thought that was funny because they will just ramble and I have no idea if they are talking to me until they are yelling at me are you listening!!

Sidenote: I was partially deaf most of my elementary years in school. So I did learn to "read lips". And glasses I have worn since I was about 10 ... so its not all lies just stretching the truth.

My SKIDs aren't disabled.

I think the rules are pretty benign. That they even have to be written says alot about the family dynamics that existed before I came on the scene.

My SS is now refusing to visit us because he doesn't like the rules.

I think thay getting a new "family" residence may make the situation a little more palatable in the near term, though I can see that there are deeper issues that we need to tackle. It takes me out of being a perceived gate keeper between my husband and the SKIDs. It also allows me to enforce the rules at my places, without depriving them of their ability to see their father at the "family" residence.

The difference in parenting styles is a problem, though.

It may make sense to call it quits. I struggle with this decision.

I see how you don't want to have to "gatekeep"... but is buying another house where the kids don't have to be polite really a good solution to that?
I agree that your rule list is quite benign and speaks volumes about your situation, so IMO, it's better to stay at this home and keep the rules, and their dad needs to enforce respect at this home and every other possible venue.

Let's change the scenerio a bit:

Stepmom moves into new husband's house. If I recall correctly I believe I've read posts from certain people that stepmom has NO right to change anything in the house nor is stepmom entitled to ANYTHING.

Hmmmmmm.

it really isn't an issue of who's house it is. I re-read the post and while the first time, I grasped that dad has already lost the affection and respect of his kids, I neglected to note that they are just absolutely disrespectful children altogether. For any of them to talk to their own mother that way is beyond words and I should have mentioned that also.

and lonepiper, I didn't pick up on that bit of hypocrisy that you did. apparently there are some that think it's okay for the goose, but not the gander. lol

or would this be a case of that it's good for the gander, but not the goose?
:)

No, if a woman moved into the man's house, she would have every right to have her children visit or live there full-time. If you marry someone, or invite them to live with you, you don't get to tell them that they can't bring their children (or their dog, their cat, or their guinea pig, for that matter). It has nothing to do with gender.

If your spouse has troubled difficult children that you cannot deal with, then maybe a solution is to not marry him/her. I don't think is a good solution to first marry him, but then tell him that his kids are so awful that they are not allowed to visit and he needs to meet with them in some other place. This makes no sense. Didn't you see them before marrying him? Or they turned awful after you got married?

I totally agree with finedreams... Check out the livestock before you buy the farm. However, sometimes kids' attitudes change once those rings go on. But having teens, I know they didn't just love my husband (like his younger daughter did with me) before we got married, but after (when we developed our house rules), there was a shift in attitude from all the kids. My kids went from, I don't really care because I'm moving out in a few years, to resenting that they have to follow "HIS" rules. and my SD went through a period of ignoring me because she didn't want me telling her what to do. I think that's normal and should be addressed. We've had talks, family meetings etc. and we've explained to our own kids that this is how it is. They have all come around and are following the rules. My kids finally accept that the rules are not "HIS", they are OURS. He and I made them and agree to them. It's a lot easier with his daughter because she's younger.

and theotherside, When a man and woman marry, regardless of who's children come into "THEIR" house, they should both be treated with respect. Of course it doesn't matter who owned the house first, once they marry (or even just living together), it is their house. But, I disagree that the children would be "entitled" to visit their house if they come being disrespectful to either of them. Respectful children should be welcomed. But when my son was not living here, if he came into our house and was disrespectful of me or my husband, I would have asked him to leave.

I think the bigger problem here is a group of kids that don't respect their parents and that is the issue that needs to be addressed. Not who's house it is or buying another house where they can continue to be disrespectful.

People will treat you in a way that you allow them to treat you.

There are two separate issues here. We may disagree about both of them, but they are not the same.

Some people here seem to think that their, or their SO's, adult, or semi-adult (18-20 year old) children have no inherent right to live at home. I disagree.

Some people here seem to think that if their SO's minor children are disrespectful, they have no right to visit or live with their biological parent, typically the husband of the poster.

mamommy said, "But when my son was not living here, if he came into our house and was disrespectful of me or my husband, I would have asked him to leave."

You son is over 18. If he were 12, and he were disrespectful, would you ask him to leave? If he had another parent, would you relinquish custody? If he did not have another available parent, would you put him out on the street? - I doubt it. Or in foster care? How far would you go if he were a minor?

In this particular thread, we are discussing minor children (I don't remember how old they all are, but she did mention that one of them was 15). We are not arguing about whether one's older-than-18 children should be allowed to live at home - that is a different topic.

What is the reasoning behind not allowing minor children to visit or live with their father, whether or not they are disrespectful, messy, or exceedingly hungry? If the choice were to have your messy and disrespectful teen living at home or have him living in foster care, I think almost every mother here would want the child at home. Good parents in intact families don't kick their minor children out if they are disrespectful or messy. Why do some SM's and SF's think they can demand that their husbands/wives kick out their minor children??

The difference between a disrespectful 12 year old vs. 18 or over??? At 12, you have a lot more control over their behavior, so no. I would not send him away or relinquish custody. I could restrict him and take away things he enjoys until he is respectful. A 20 year old that doesn't live with me is not going to come into my house and be disrespectful and I'm going to accept that. You may want to and that's up to you. Perhaps you are a door mat. I'm not.

I'm not talking about SO's children, I'm talking about MY biological children that I love very much. I love them enough to teach them to be respectful human beings. And no, once they reach the age of majority, they DO NOT have an inherent right to live at home. You may disagree all you want but if there is an adult child that is disrespectful and refuses to abide by house rules, they DO NOT have RIGHT to live with me. My children are welcome to be here as long as they are respectful, obey my rules, obey the laws, and are pleasant. I can choose to not live with a grown kid that rolls his/her eyes at me, talks back, ignores my rules, or even makes messes. Again, you may be okay with cleaning up after your kids til they are 30, I'm not and that's MY RIGHT.

and in this particular thread, they are minor teens and yes, I still stand by my OPINION that if they can't be respectful in their house, they shouldn't visit. It's the teens choice to not visit because he doesn't want to follow the rules. The dad may feel guilty but he should really feel guilty if he gives in and allows his teen terror to continue to be disrespectful and treat him and his mother the way he does.

From what the poster said, SHE is not the one that is targeted by these kids' behavior. They are being disrespectful to both of their BIOLOGICAL PARENTS.

In any case nobody can tell their spouses that their minor children are not allowed to visit. If they really are that bad then perhaps you need to divorce your spouse. not allowing his kids in HIS house is ridiclous. If you do not consider your house also his, then i am not sure why you married him.

well, my opinion is that the father needs to step up and grow a backbone and not allow his children to talk to him or his ex wife the way they do. I don't think a SM or SO should be the one to say something but she has a right to let DH know she isn't going to allow them to disrespect HER in the place where she lives.

Imamommy,

Why does she have a right to ban them from the house if they are disrespectful? You even said you wouldn't kick your own minor children out. Why is it ok for a SM to do the same thing?

she could send them to your house, you apparently don't care how you are treated.

I didn't use the word ban. It's a big difference between a missed visit (or a few) and banning someone. I said dad needs to make his children be respectful. It's the teenager that says he isn't going to visit if he has to follow the rules. I merely said dad has no reason to feel guilty if the child refuses to visit because he can't abide by the rules. But it's up to the parents to teach thier children to be decent, respectful people.

But like I said, that's my opinion. I choose to NOT be a doormat.

Imagine for a moment, you are married again and your husbands teenager (or adult child) came to visit and was disrespectful to him (or you) and didn't feel he had to follow your rules. I'm sure you would say no problem. and if so, that's your opinion.

I find it hard to believe you would be okay with a child that would say such a crude remark to his own mother. My child might need dentures if he ever said that to me... but I don't have to worry about that, I taught him to respect me.

Great, so now you threaten to physically assault your child. That's really impressive.

I never commented on how I felt about the child saying that to his mother. She is not posting here, so it is irrelevant.

Visiting their parents is not a privilege to be taken away for bad behavior. It is the child's and the parent's RIGHT. It is abusive to deny the child the right to visit their NCP as punishment.

I mean "pain" not "pian" :)

Hi Again,

Thanks for all the input.

I think we all agree that it is the right of a child to visit his/her parent.

I also think it is a right of an adult to set rules and boundaries for acceptable behavior at home.

If a child refuses to follow those rules, THEN I think it is fair for the step parent to require visitation outside the home.

The reason that the SKIDs behave the way they do is because there were never rules. I think they will have a very difficult time out in the world. In fact, my SS got kicked out of boarding school for smoking dope in his room. So already his lack of understanding boundaries is hurting him.

If every child who smoked dope were forbidden to see his/her parents, I think the world would turn upside down.

YOu will force dad to chose between his children and you. It looks like you, like TOSs childrens SM, has enough money to make him reduce contact with his children.

Good work.

So you are saying TOS's EX cares more about money than his own children?

I don't know about kkny, but I would certainly say that. I suspect that in his screwed up way of thinking, he thinks he "has" to give up seeing his kids in order to please his wife, because if she kicked him out, he would be homeless and without a job, and unable to pay child support.

Shortly after he left, I said that I thought a lot of the reason he was leaving was financial - and he said, to me and to the counselor, that he couldn't separate his feelings about finances from his feelings about me. (And it is not like I had gone shopping and run up some huge credit card debt - we were struggling with college expenses and the expenses of raising 6 kids, but neither one of us were spending much money on ourselves).

I think it is pretty obvious that money is of paramount importance to him.

again, TOS takes it off topic

and KKNY said:

"If every child who smoked dope were forbidden to see his/her parents, I think the world would turn upside down.
YOu will force dad to chose between his children and you. It looks like you, like TOSs childrens SM, has enough money to make him reduce contact with his children."

Where the heck do you get THAT from??? Who has said any child should be FORBIDDEN to see a parent? and when did she say it was BECAUSE he was smoking dope???

What I saw from newstepmom's last post was that she AGREES with you, that the children has a right to visit their parent. (even though I don't see a problem telling a child that if you can't treat me with respect, you don't have to come see me.) We are not talking about little kids, these are teenagers that yes, they may be acting out, but the parents need to get them counseling or help. But they don't have to take verbal abuse from a child. The suggestion that he visit elsewhere is a good one. They get to see their father and she doesn't have to be subjected to their bad behavior. I agree with finedreams, it's all about how they were raised and in a perfect world, kids would treat their parents with respect. I think all kids (teens) have their moments of being rebellious or talking back that is normal, but it is relevant that this kid said such a crude thing to his own mom. It shows what he is capable of and the only thing I would like to know is what she did about it?

and nowhere did I threaten to physically assault anyone. Again you twist my words.

smoking dope is wrong, but let's face it kid was in a boarding school. Why? There was obviously not enough supervision in the boarding school and who knows maybe kid suffered there. There is a lot of nasty stuff happening in boarding schools. No wonder he is so rude. You talking kids not having rules, but this kid did not even live at home!

I took it off-topic?? I was responding to colleen's question.

"My child might need dentures if he ever said that to me."

Sounds like a threat to me.

To be more specific, children have the right to visit/live with their parents in their home(s), and the NCP has a right to have his child visit or move in with him or her. Otherwise it isn't really his home.

FYI - Bio Mom sent SS away to boarding school because she couldn't control him.

While I think most kids smoke dope, it is foolish to do so in a dorm room.

"My child might need dentures if he ever said that to me... but I don't have to worry about that, I taught him to respect me."

If you're going to quote me, GET IT ALL!!!

It doesn't make it less of a threat, just because you seem so sure that your son will never say anything that insults you.

You can't teach someone to respect you. Respect can only be earned.

Well, being rude is something that is unacceptable. And letting children be rude to adults is something that no parent should permit.

I think we all agree that telling your mother what she can do with her p*ssy crosses a number of serious boundaries.

Who wants to raise children who speak like that?

I would like to have a child and I think it would be such a negative influence on that child to have step siblings like my SKIDs. Thanks to a number of people on this web site, I see that DH played a pretty big role in allowing this behavior.

I am strongly leaning toward filing for a divorce. Any contructive advice would be welcome. Quirk and Sylvia from Texas, where are you?

I don't know your entire circumstance but to me, divorce is a last option. Have you talked to your DH about counseling, parenting classes, etc.?

People that want to change, can. If your husband is willing to acknowledge that he's done things wrong and wants to do differently, then he should have that chance to prove himself. If your Skids are teenagers, they will likely not be around on a regular basis by the time you have children, but that is definitely something to consider. They may also mature and be less harsh. A good parenting class could open your DH's eyes and maybe give him some tools to handle his kids now. but of course, he has to want to change things. If their mom is at her wits end (as I think she may be, by sending them off to boarding school) then it might be a good idea for her. Do mom and dad get along? I don't think I've read anything that they don't.

I've had my share of difficulty with the kids not liking someone that is not their parent telling them what to do (both sides) but the first time I heard my step daughter raise her voice at her daddy when she didn't get her way, I jumped in and said in a louder than her voice, "Don't you talk to your dad that way. who do you think you're talking to?" and she has never done it since. (at least not if I'm around) And before I get attacked for overstepping my "boundaries" I want to say that I did a similar thing the very first time I met her BM. She wanted to go see the bike my DH was buying for SD and while we were going through the store, SD was running back and forth. Mom was repeatedly telling her to stop and stay by her but SD was ignoring mom. It took one time of me saying "Listen to your mom" and she stayed next to her mom the rest of the time. BTW, her mom thanked me for that. Whether she was sincere or it may be one of the things she resents me for, I don't know. But I cannot stand to listen to a parent tell their kid to do something and watch as the kids ignores them and they do nothing.

Newstepmom, do the children treat you the way they treat their mom and their dad? Are they disrespectful to YOU?

Do they destroy the house?

Do you have any connection whatsoever with the children? Any common ground? Similar interests? Have you had any positive interactions with them?

It sounds like they are trying to get their parents attention. Why else would a child scream such horrific things at their mother? How do the parents react when something like this happens? I guess I'm seeing a chain reaction - children scream at dad, dad ignores it, children scream again, dad ignores it and attempts to pacify the situation, children do something that gets themselves in trouble, dad again pacifies the issue, etc., etc., etc.

Not necessarily the fairy tale we hoped our marriages would be!! Do you WANT to delve further into this craziness? We've all been there to some extent. I can personally say that I'm glad that I stuck it out because I love my family and I feel I was truly blessed to have such wonderful people enter into my life, however, I shudder when I think about the first few months of marriage!!!

What is YOUR heart saying??

newstepmom wrote: "My SS is now refusing to visit us because he doesn't like the rules."

To: newstepmom,
I think that if the SS won't abide by you and your DHs rules and he decides not to visit because of that-then fine I would let it be. When I was a teenager if I disrespected my Mom or my Stepdad I was told "If you live under my roof...you will abide by my rules". Period. End of story. Didn't matter who made up the rules...it was their rules. I had to respect my Stepdad and I did because once I became a teenager I realized how much he took on by marrying my mom. She came with some baggage but he loved me as his own. If I didn't respect him then I would not have been welcome there.

I completely understand how you feel like maybe you are being run out of your home. I felt that way for a long time and I finally took a stand and told my fiance (we live together) that if him and I aren't going to work together as a team in raising them and teaching them right from wrong then we aren't getting married and as a matter of fact we aren't even going to live together anymore. So far things have gotten better. The kids are showing more respect for me now than before. It isn't perfect or anything (may never be perfect though) but it's better. The kids now see that they have to mind me and can't walk all over me because I am not their BM and that their dad will back me up. Makes a big difference when the dad backs you up!

I'll second that, Bookworm!
"The kids now see that they have to mind me and can't walk all over me because I am not their BM and that their dad will back me up. Makes a big difference when the dad backs you up!"

It's very important to me to eat meals together at the table as a group (I will refrain from using the word "family" in order to not offend any delicate sensibilities). J__ said that would be fine by him, and agreed that this was probably best for A__ anyhow. So, at my request, J__, A__ and I all sit at the table together at mealtimes. If A__'s not there that day, J__ and I sit together at the table.
A__ raised a stink about it one day near the beginning of this new trend ("But I have to pause my game if we eat supper at the TABLE! You guys are so mean to me! I never get to do anything fun EVER!") but J__ stuck to it ("Tough luck. You want to eat supper, you eat it at the table with us. If you don't want to eat with us, then you don't eat")... A__ pitched a fit and refused to come to the table, so J__ packed him off to bed early and hungry.
The next time this same conversation came along, A__ took it seriously and came to join us at the table.
I really appreciate that J__ respects my request and backs it up to A__! I'm not thrilled with that A__ didn't eat supper that night, because I think eight year olds need frequent feedings, but at least that battle seems to be done with now.

Another night, quite recently, J__ had hurt his back and worked some overtime that day, while I had a mellow day, so he chilled on the couch while I made supper for the three of us. At supper, A__ said that the reason I made supper was "because that's what women are supposed to do, cook and clean for men". J__ didn't hear because he was crunching on vegetables, so I told A__ "That was very rude and sexist. i made supper to give your dad a break and because I enjoy cooking. It has nothing to do with being a woman." J__ asked what was just said, I told him. He told A__ that he was very rude and asked him to apologize, A__ refused. So he sent A__ to his room until he was ready to admit what he said was wrong and apologize. An hour and a half later, after several explanations from J__ about why sexism is bad, why women deserve to be treated with respect, that I made supper for us because I wanted to do something nice not because it's my job as a woman, and that saying something like that is not just rude to me, but also rude to all women everywhere, including his mom and grandmas and 'girlfriend', A__ finally admitted he had said something rude, apologized to me, and returned to his plate.

J__ and I had quite a talk about this after A__ went to bed and that it means a lot to me that he won't allow A__ to be rude to me. On the other side, he also wouldn't allow me to be rude to A__, and I think that's just as important!
When we got together, we talked at length about this: He expects that I'm nice to A__ and respect his importance in J__'s life. He expects that A__ is nice to me and respects my importance in J__'s life.

A little support goes a long long way!

(Holy cow this got long! Whoops.)

I would hesitate to offer advice about getting a divorce or not to my closest friends, except if I knew there was physical abuse involved. All I can say is to discuss with your husband and try to be honest about what the problems are, how they will affect your lives, and if they are something you can either fix or live with.

You probably don't really want to take relationship advice from me, anyway. I learned over the weekend that my problem does in fact have a solution; I can get dumped. hah. So, I will probably not be hanging around in the stepfamily forum anymore... even if this is temporary (we are supposed to be "thinking" and "talk" sometime "later"), it appears I've gotten way ahead of myself in thinking where this is headed and he did not have the same ideas in mind. So, I do not have potential adult stepchildren and don't need to think about how to relate to them... oh, well.

That's too bad. The end of a relationship always sucks.
We'll miss you!

Good for you! I think that blended families can work if both the bio and the step-parent work together. If the children see that the SM has no control at all over them and the SM feels like they are being ran over by a child....I don't see the marriage working out. I read somewhere that the divorce rate is much higher for second marriages were there are children vs first marriages. Blending is really tough and I think being a SM takes a lot of sacrificing and patience.

I think that is great that your DH backs you up and stands firm. He has to show the SS that he is important to him but you are as well!

I'm sorry to hear that Quirk. I have mentioned this before on here...that blending families is a real challenge. I am still struggling with it. I wish you all the best though in where ever life takes you!!

Sorry your relationship didn't work out Quirk. I found your posts very insightful.

As for me, I asked for a separation last night. My DH was devastated, but I cannot see spending my life together as a family with his kids. We are just too different.

There are a lot of women on this site who demonised me for wanting to get a separate place for my out-of-control teenage SKIDs. But I say, if their own mother sent them away to boarding school, why is my obligation to them greater than hers? Besides, I think they would be happier in a place without me.

This was a very painful lesson.

newstepmom,

I know that had to be a very hard decision for you. I understand though and feel like this is a personal decision that you had to make for yourself. I must admit if that were me and the SKids were sent away to boarding school by the BM-I would not feel like I should have to be the one to deal with them when they come back. It would be one thing if they would respect you and let you be their SM and help them but it sounds like they are going to continue defying you. It is obvious that they are out of control and are making you miserable. Don't be hard on yourself for making the decision you made.

THe issue here is the father not disciplining his kids. The discipline here is the issue. Newstepmom, if your husband is not willing ot discipline his kids when they come over , and after reading what you wrote inyour original post, i would suggest you tell him to leave with his kids. You married him, you must have seen some signs before ???? I'm just wondering. Did they respect you before the marriage? Did they change? or was it the same...because if these kids acting like this before you married him , then it was a mistake to marry him. Cause you invited them in..all of them! And if they didn't respect you before and he didnt' do naything...what would make you think he would do something after u married him?
Tell him to discipline his kids when they come over...REspect is respect. Or they all leave. Period.
Your expectations to be treated as a human with respect are not unreasonable. BUt since the stepkids are rude and do not respect you then they ar enot welcome in the house. Period!
They have the right to see their father. They can see their father out of the house. Period.
On your relationship with him.Do you have respect and love for aperson that wont defend you?

newstepmom- i'm sorry, that must be very difficult.

newstepmom sorry to hear that you had to ask for separation. maybe it would be a wake up call for your DH . Just a quick comment in regards to what your SS said to his mom (inappropriate). Kids say that when they feel that parents choose their personal lives over children, it is a scream for attention. They feel abandoned by their own mother and they feel it is because of her interests in dating or somehting of that sort. That's why maybe she sent them to boarding school. In any case parents created it. Kids learned it from them. But you are right, you do not have to ruin your life. maybe there is still a solution somewhere. Sorry.

Thanks for all of the feedback.

I just felt so resented in my own home, and I was starting to resent my SKIDs. I realize that the problem was that my DH refused to discipline them and teach them respect.

Just to be clear, the biomom had primary custody and the SKIDs came every other weekend. Does that change anyone's perspective as to the nature of this home? DH contributes nothing financially.

No, children should be able to consider their father's home their home no matter how frequently or infrequently they stay there.

It is his home, and his kids' home, if you are married to him, or even if you are living together, even if he doesn't pay a penny. It sounds to me that you resent the fact that he does not contribute. Just out of curiosity, why doesn't he? Is he disabled?

DH doesn't want to separate, though I am insisting on it. He is going to get a place and his kids will visit him there. This is a "time out" for everyone.

How can I get him to discipline his kids. Does anyone know of parenting classes online? Ideas?

We went to one counselor, a fraud, who told me I needed to speak up when the SKIDs come over. I think the people on this site agree that is DH's role.

How can I get them to mind their manners? How can they learn their place as children? I get the feeling that they used to rule the roost at their home with their Mom.

I agree with your counselor. It is DH's role to discipline his kids but it's YOUR right to enforce YOUR house rules and if one of those rules is not allowing them to be disrespectful to your husband, then you have every right to say something. The first time my SD talked back to my DH in front of me, I sure in the h*ll said to her, "you will not talk to him like that here." Yes, he shouldn't have allowed it but he didn't say anything and I don't have to sit by and watch a child talk to him like that. It affects me. If he allows it when I'm not around, that's up to him.

We took a class called active parenting for step families.. I gave links to several resources on the thread "stepfamily resources". I'll bump it up for you.