Are less frequent longer visits better than every second week

20 years ago

I'm wondering if it is easier to have stepkids over a summer instead of every second week-end? I think that less frequent but longer visits might be the answer but I'm not sure. I keep thinking that maybe if they visit for 2 months in the summer I can go away for half the time and study or travel. I also think that we as a couple can be closer throughout the year if there aren't disruptive sleep overs every second week-end.

I find that I am really irritated by these kids in this situation because I get used to them not being here over a 10 day period, then they're here, then I can't wait for them to leave in 2 days to have solitude again. Somehow if they were here for a longer time, they had their own rooms and I had my own space to go away to I think I would feel better. (we're living in a small one bedroom appartment) Kids are irritating I am learning. Living with someone else's kids in the context of a divorce maybe makes things less bearable??? I am hoping that things will get better when they're teenagers, but maybe not. Maybe I will be irritated by them even more.

I relate to all the step moms who are resentful. I have trouble half the time accepting my fiance's 2 boys. I guess after reading the other postings, they really aren't that bad compared to other descriptions. Their mother has a different value system than myself and my partner and I don't respect her for it. I guess I am thinking that at some point we all need to just sit down and have a counselled dialogue to find a way to make things work. I don't have contact with her and neither does my fiance except for e-mails regarding the boys.

I'm just finding that whatever I try, that for the most part I don't accept them. I've been to counselling with my partner trying to find ways to improve things. I wonder if there is an animal instinct on a primal level that if the child still has their biological mother, you reject them automatically because they aren't your own blood or kind. They aren't by nature my responsibility. Then from this instinct things just compound and snowball until you can't help but say you hate them and wish they never existed!

Even though I'm wondering if longer visits will be better, right now I feel at odds most of the time when they are here, their mom won financially and we are basically broke and poor. They live in a huge 2 million dollar home. It's humiliating, it's embarassing in some ways and within the first couple of months knowing my partner we got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. I wasn't ready to be a mom, I had been on a nasty drug which causes birth defects (accutane) It wasan't the right time. I still feel regretful that I had life inside me and wasn't emotionally able to bring it to term and my partner couldn't make things magically work out.

I really am aware of how much I feel resentment towards these kids and just the fact they exist is killing a part of me. I want things to be the fariytale they would I have been with their father if we could have had the baby.

Although a lot of the time it's unbearable, it's also bringing out other parts of me which are good. I guess there's an ongoing cost for all this, it's perpetual doubt. I wonder did I make a mistake, when should I have abandoned this? It's too late now I am so in love with my fiance, I can;t handle the idea of life without him. Should I avoid baby plans. Will things be worse if we have his nboys for longer periods less often???

I keep telling myself that in a decade these kids will be adults and on to their own lives. Just another 10 years.

When I am with my fiance and we talk about marriage and having a baby we're very happy, but I need to be wise, things can get ugly if his boys don't like the idea and take out their own resentment on my and their father's child.

I am sad when I think about not being able to afford emotionally another child coming into what can be a very toxic family relationship.

Any feed back would be awesome

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

User
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The kids are probvably feeling the effects of the upheaval every other week. Ask them how they feel about maybe spending longer time, less often. And ask them what mightr make the weekends less stressful. Do thewy have "their spot" in the house, even if it's only a trunk with favorite toys and some clothes?

READICAL SOLUTION:
Would it work if the kids STAYED in one spot and the adults moved in and out? Come to visit every other weekend?
kpickett
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'am feeling the same way about my step child. The guilt is terrible. I have no answers unfortunately, however would like to know what the counsler suggested and how you got your husband to go and understand where your coming from? I have a site here called simply ( Step Child ) if you could please reply. Thank you in advance for your insight.
Related Discussions
Vigorous day lilies have longer blooming period than lilies
Q
Comments (21)
I love lilies for their stately appearance and scent... but hate the red lily beetle battle. We live along a river and worry about pesticide run off. So there are only two clumps in our yard. However, we do have many varieties of daylily. These are one of my favorite flowers... but my DH is not crazy about them. He thinks the long slender leaves and the same green tones look boring. The compromise was to place them among plants with different leaf textures and colors. And I have to agree with him that this helps to hide the ratty look of day lilies as they mature. (You're so right about that, Kevin.) A favorite new day lily is H. 'Light the Way' which I found at Bloomingfields Farms in Gaylordsville, CT. These are magnificent! The stems are very tall, which means the plant can be tucked behind shorter plants and the whitish blossom will peek out above its neighbors. Here is what LtW looked like the other day in our gardens. The flower color is more like the second shot...green and white tones. One "problem" ..... day lily clumps can get enormous and crowd out other things, even when divided. That happened in our small yard. The 6 tiny Hemerocallis 'Malaysian Monarch' fans that I planted years ago spread like the plague. We gave most of them away to a friend with lots of property. Molie
...See More
Are waits for Dr's visits getting longer?
Q
Comments (16)
Thanks Lynn. I was hoping you wouldn't take my concerns the wrong way and appreciate what you're saying. I have not talked to the doctor about it but there are others who work in the same space as she and they obviously know and don't care. Also there have been things the Doctor has said and done to both of us at one time or another that IMHO were out of line and have always bothered me. I dread going so much that I've decided to find another doctor that would be a better fit. It sounds like your husband is a wonderful physician. We've been through a couple of different doctors since moving here trying to find a good fit. I know the medical profession is not easy these days, not for anyone but I just wish I could find one doctor who is focused when she's in with patients and/or who had better bedside manners. Anyways, a perfect example of what I'm referring to with this receptionist is the last time I left her office, I advised her in a fairly quiet tone that I needed to schedule an appointment for my "annual exam" and she says in an unusually loud voice, "so would that be for a pap?". Since that's what most people including the doctor call it, I just assumed she would know what I was talking about but I guess not. I was so embarrassed, I turned to see if there was anyone else in the room and there were 3-4 men sitting right there burying their heads, obviously they were equally uncomfortable. This is not the first time, I've experienced similar situations in other offices too. I think because they are around it all the time and aren't phased by it all, that they just don't think about it, but with HEPA laws and all that, I'm just surprised at how obtuse some offices are in their practices.
...See More
Just cut garbage service to every other week
Q
Comments (20)
We buy trash bags at $6 each from the town and take them to the transfer station, which is open 3 days a week. (Bigger bags than our bin go for $8, I think.) You can recycle as much as you want there for free so long as you are enrolled in the bag-buying program. I don't get mad about the $6 per bag so much as that they only take #1 and #2 plastic (the last place I lived took up to #6) and no styrofoam (which again I was used to in the last place), so I feel forced to recycle less than I want to. My neighbors upstairs don't want the hassle of bringing things to the transfer station, so they hire a trash pick-up service and recycle nothing. However many bags per week they are contracted for, they make more trash than that. So they leave the bags on their deck (directly above ours), since again they can't be troubled to carry it to the trash cans in the basement. Then their trash rains maggots on us all summer and drips goo on us the other 3 seasons. So I really hate people who don't recycle! What world do they live in? jrdwyer, does your town provide recycling services? How do you find a place that recycles things if not? JD
...See More
I took in a female 12 week old tuxedo kitten less than a week ago.
Q
Comments (20)
Cathy, A week is not very long - she's still adjusting, and like cats who've come from other high-stress situations like some shelters it just takes time for them to relax andfor their true nature to come out. Dont worry about in breeding or whatever - it just sounds like typical kitten behavior to me. Young animals simply dont understand about people trying to sleep and they dont know that they're hurting someone, esp if they were taken away early and didnt learn from sibs/mom how to inhibit their aggression in play situations. ... or in this situation which was probably quite chaotic and stressful. I dont care for spray bottles - like you're going to have one at your finger tips at all times? Suppose you could get a holster for it, but as Cooper wrote a simple yell of OW accompoanied by shrugging her off will suffice. I had a cat who for whatever reason liked to take a flying leap and climb me like I was a tree. This was bad enough in winter, with layers of clothing on, but in summer - claws digging into bare skin - ouch! A couple of loud yells took care of it. If you arent already doing so, Id still be keeping them separate and then switching their spaces periodically so they can start getting used to each other's presence and scent but without having to confront each other all the time. Putting up a screen door temporarily is a good idea too. Let your old guy set the pace for how quickly the process takes. As much as possible, keep up your routines with him and he should have the esteemed positions like sleeping with you at night or whatever your routines were before the kitten came.
...See More
Vivian Kaufman
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm a stepmom to 2--a boy and a girl--have been for a LONG time.

Let me just say that you're kidding yourself if you think all you have is "10 years" and you'll be done with them. That is NOT TRUE. They are your fiancee's children. They always will be and you will NOT be rid of them--EVER.

Feelings get in the way of reality MUCH of the time. The reality of your situation is that he has 2 children. He always will. They will NOT go away. You will never be "done" and things only get MORE complicated as they get older. (Ask me how I know...)

Because you seem to resent them so much now, it would seem very apparent to me that you should NOT marry this man. Those kids are THE single MOST IMPORTANT factor in this equation, and I cannot fathom wanting them to be in such a toxic situation. I know being broke and inconvenienced and angry at the ex-wife, but I would open my chest and give either one of my stepchildren my heart if they needed it.

You are not prepared to be a stepmom. Period. There is NO FAIRYTALE. It's hard work--all day every day. The fact that you even think in terms of the "fairytale" is very telling. This isn't working--for you or those children. Being "so in love" is easy. Making informed, mature, resposible decisions is hard. You say you "hate them and wish they never existed." I REPEAT: DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! It is totally unfair to those children to put them in this position.

I am not sorry to be so pointed. I know how hard it is to be a stepparent, and even though I adore my stepchildren, I find it very hard sometimes. I cannot imagine entering into the same situation on the verge of hating them....
bnicebkind
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Vivian is absolutely right on this. Read, and re-read her response to you because she speaks the truth.
bnicebkind
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
By the way...what do you think your relationship with your parents would be like if they had just shipped you off to live with a relative or boarding school, because your dads new girlfriend didn't really want you around? Or your moms boyfriend thought you were a drag to have around every other week, and talked your mom into just seeing you in the summer while he took off for Europe with friends? Do you REALLY want to be the kind of human beings who would toss their own child aside because their new boyfriend or girlfriend didn't like their child? You sometimes hear about a mom dumping her child on her parents because her new boyfriend does not like the child, and she doesn't want to lose him, so she betrays her own children, and I cannot imagine a parent doing this to their own child...or a dad who has remarried and his new wife does not want him to bring his own child to their house...and so like the wimp that he is...there he sits at McDonalds with his kids for an hour, because his new wife won't let him bring them to their house...and I am amazed that he is such an incredible wimp...and I wonder how in the world he became such a pathetic creature. I wonder why he does not stand up like a man in defense of his own child, and tell her that she will treat his child with respect and kindness, or take a hike...and mean it. That is the kind of man women respect, because we know that if we were a child, that is the kind of man we would want for a father, and the kind of man we want on our side.
I heard once that in the state of Florida, that there are over 200,000 children in foster care. Who, and where are the parents who failed these children? How do they look themselves in the mirror, or sleep at night?
Yes, kids can be irritating, even to their own parents. They want so much out us, and pester, whine, bicker, tease, cry, etc. etc. etc. So can adults for that matter. Some people are better at coping with children than others. Some have more patience for the nonsence that just seems to come with kids. Others find it irritating, even in their own children. Some people would be happier without children and the constant demands that come with kids. Others thrive on the chaos, and the "life" that children bring to a home.
You MUST be REALLY, REALLY honest with yourself, and your fiance' about how you really feel, and that these feelings are not going to go away. You really need to spend the time and read, and re-read the step parent forum.
But do not go into this marriage with the intent of cutting your husband off from his children, because that would make you one of those awful people.

Are less frequent longer visits better than every second week

Comments (5)

User

kpickett

Related Discussions

Vivian Kaufman

bnicebkind

bnicebkind

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US