to greg(gmoyer1@yahoo.com) You have a lot of nerve running YOUR mouth about a bunch of women that you don't know. I am a CANADIAN woman. I am also the "stranger" raising the children. I must also add that I am doing a better job then the kids "bio" mother ever could, and that she is the stranger now. I am sorry for you if your ex is anything like my kids biological mother, as she is nothing more than a crack whore. That being said; if you aren't seeing your children because of your distaste for their mother then you are NO better, and I would get off the high horse I was on if I were you! There are ways to see your children with limited to no contact with their mother (ie; supervised access centres). If you have been denied from seeing your kids by the courts then there is probably something severly wrong with you. If you think that your happiness is of any real importance then you are WRONG! What is most important in this world is the safety and well being of all the children. If you are refusing to see your children because you don't like their mother, I recommend that you get over yourself, quit your PITY party, step up and take care of your kids. If there mother is a loser that is going to wreck their lives, fix whatever is wrong with your life, and go back to court and win those kids and give them the life you know they deserve!! THINK ABOUT IT!!! (my kids mother doesn't pay support AT all- guess who buys the groceries, and makes the dinners?!? ME- the quote unquote stranger)

If you can get a court certified therapist to testify on your behalf, that would really help your case. If bio mom is contesting, be prepared for trial (as I am sure you already are at this point). I would love to hear how everything works out for you after court, I am trying to go through the same thing and there really isn't much out there in the way of success contested adoption. Not because they fail, but it just seems that most step parents do not deem it necessary (or too expensive) to take on the challenge of an adoption. I have been told by some attorneys that using the child support non payment angle can be seen as you trying to bully her into giving up her child, and if you try to forgive all debt if she consents, that can be deemed as buying her child. And then, other attorneys want to use these tactics as their strategies and they are confident they will get the results they want. It really seems to come down to the judge you get and how much of a fight bio mom wants to give you. Even if she objects to consent, what are the odds that she will actually show in court to object? You even stated that if she was to show in court, she would probably be arrested for non-payment. Chances are, she is just being difficult....

Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done. I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. This way their step father will be able to continue to raise them and if for some he feels that he can not handle this responsibility, then I would like the children to be raised by my brother and his wife and it would be step dads decision, not the courts. Secondly, the research that I found states that little girls raised without a father influence, have a ten times greater chance of turning to a life of drugs and/or prostitution. And little boy turn to drugs and crime. Thirdly, if DH and I get a divorce, I would like the children to continue a relationship with him. My DH oldest son  a question of paternity arose when the child was only three, however, paternity was never legally challenged or determined and his name is on the birth certificate. However, his ex-wife used it as a weapon, every time he tried to divorce her. He waited until the child was twelve and could tell the courts that he wanted to live with his father and called her bluff. Needless to say he lives with us. I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody  I run the risk of loosing  Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father. Back to the name change issue  My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point  the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name. As for RosieL response  As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her name I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school. Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them. As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ...  The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name. As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too. She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name. I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject.

I think your reasons are good. I often worry about what would happen if god forbid something happened to my husband. Would bm reappear and try to take the kids so she would have a live in sitter for her 3 little kids? And would she do it for the money that would be involved if my hubby died? She has shown to be unstable and would never provide a stable happy home for the kids. Plus I am sure she would want to cut me out completely which would hurt them, me, and my son. I think before you talk to sd about it you and hubby need to speak to a lawyer and see what is involved and what your chances are of getting custody. And I think it is good that you would still give bm visitation if she wanted it after the adoption.