Adult Stepchildren Driving me crazy!!!

14 years ago

Hello, this is my first time posting and I am reading some really great stuff on here so decided to join to maybe help with my stress.

I have been with DH for 8 years now. I have tried wholeheartedly from the start to include, be there for, and treat like family his two adult children. Well, the youngest was 17 at the time but I went to her senior prom and did all appropriate loving things and then helped out with her graduation. The problem is they are now 25 and 28 and hate me as I expect them to support themselves and their two children each. I refuse to help them financially. Neither one of them has a full time job. They both work 26 or 30 hours a week. Neither one of their significants has a job or tries to get one. Both of their Significants have their pot licensees for reasons to me are unfounded. They are constantly asking what we paid for things and what my 12 year old got for her birthday or Christmas and then they are immediatly off the phone. Their BM got the divorce papers signed sealed and delivered and then dropped the kids off with my DH and left state still collecting childsupport. They have a ton of time for her but never any for us even though they have admitted that BM not only stole from Dad as he had no money to take her back to court but also from them as she cashed out their life insurance and their savings bonds that DH bought them. When we ask them for family time or to come to 12 year olds things they are too busy because quote "we have kids and jobs, and husbands you wouldnt understand. Excuse me? I have a daughter I raised all by myself for the first four yrs and a job and a soon to be husband, and a house to remodel and a wedding to plan, etc and I still try to make time for them. I give up. We moved 3 states over leaving everything I knew to be close to them and we get maybe 1 or 2 visits a year while there are tons of pictures of their mother with the grandbabies. I swear I want to cut them off. I have told DH I am not shutting the door but I am refusing to continue trying and banging my head against a brick wall. They on the other hand think I should be the one earning their love and not them earning mine. I think it should be both parties and I have done my trying. They also want EVERYTHING when their pa dies. But I have earned it all as their pa is disabled. I am aware I will be taking care of him and am okay with that as I love him but not okay with doing it all just to be thrown out on the street when he is gone. I think they should wait untill we are both gone and each get a portion, not all, as my BD deserves her fair share.

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Comments (13)

justmetoo
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Limit your phone time. They can't drive you crazy any longer than you allow them to. Be available for what you're comfortable with. If it's three 5 minutes calls, then that's the limit...a simple 'I have to go now' and be done. You don't have to answer all their questions either. Nothing says you must answer complete and specifics. Remember, it's a phone conversation, not a survey.

Perhaps it is time your DH makes certain he has all his business affairs lined up the way he desires them with a solid will drawn up. And no, he is under no obligation to disclose his will contents to his children while he is still very much alive. The next time they question him/you about who gets what, how things should be blah blah, he can simply respond with 'there is no need to worry about anything, I have taken care of my business myself to like desire and it is not something anyone needs to be concerned with right now'. Bottomline is whatever he has that is his sole belonging he can do what he pleases with... give it away, burn it, divide it equally, have it buried with him...you get the drift. Everything that is shared/co-owned should be protected and legally laid out.
dotz_gw
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Wolf, What is your DHs opinion on whats going on? Is he supportive of you ? Has he ever discussed the SKs treatment of you to them? Did they say they want all of his assets to his face? Would he be OK with you cutting them out of your life? I totally understand where you re coming from, except for the point that your BD should share in your DHs assets.I have a BS , but dont think he s entitled to any of whats DHs. Agree you should talk DH into a will ASAP. Also agree SKs should not be inquiring as to whats in it for them.I liked what you said about not shutting the door, but no way should you be abused by them like this. Let them know that you wont be disrespected. Hopefully your DH is on board with that.So many men take the path of least resistance and let this stuff come to a boiling point.I wonder if the BM PASed the SKs? Thats seems to be behind a lot of this resentment/mistreatment?
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HU-188136718 -- You really need to be getting yourself a lawyer, if you don't have one already. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, it is up to each state, within reason, to determine the division of marital property, and if you were technically (on paper) still married to your DH, you may have some recourse/ claim to get some of your joint items or property back or some sort of proceeds. Many times, your first meeting with a lawyer can be for free/ consulting and no fee will be charged. And the couple of times I did this, they were very upfront and clear with my options. Didn't try to blow me off or anything. They could be more resourceful than you think and without a charge for the first meeting! Worth checking it out. My heart also goes out to you because I know what is like to think you have a positive relationship with your stepkids, only to find out after some horrific episode or two that you do not. In your case, you're not only grieving the loss of your husband (or what you thought your relationship with him would be) and the loss of your home, estate and puppy, but also the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your stepkids. Please do not hesitate to seek out outside support from family, friends, ministers, therapists, etc. You need all the support you can get right now. HU-227652862 -- If I were you, I'd probably sit down and make a list of all of the reasons for your husband not to go, including time, distance, health issues, the fact that she needs to learn how to handle her adult problems herself, etc., and sit down and have a discussion with your DH. Since it is a hot topic for your DH, you will have to be the more responsible one to make sure that it does not degrade to a fight. You just remain calm, no matter what, and keep telling him that you love him and are concerned. Now, your DH will probably have only one main reason, although it is a good one, to keep doing these things for his daughter. He may not admit to it, but he may want to take advantage of any opportunity to see his daughter because he loves her, of course. And it may not matter that it is a bad reason or a reason that could greatly affect his health either. And him going there to "fix" things, further makes your DH feel needed by his daughter. It's tough to fight that parenteral instinct. Even though the parent may be being used and it may be detrimental to their health, it's their child and parents make self-sacrifices for their children all the time! So, the purpose of this discussion (not argument) you are going to have with your DH will be for both of you to logically (in theory) look at each other's side or angle. HOWEVER, if your DH wants to continue doing as he has been for this daughter, then that is pretty much his call, as hard as it may be for you to accept. I'd just make sure he knows the risks (including being taken advange of) coming from your angle, and if he does and chooses to do for her anyway, then you have to let it go. They have a father-daughter bond, and sometimes parents and their kids, incl. adult kids, have some sort of odd or near unhealthy codependency going on that on that works for them, regardless of how it may look on the outside. You can't make your DH separate from his daughter. I know people like to think SMs do this all the time, but in reality, no one can separate a man from his child or a woman from her child unless they, they themselves, want to separate.
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Wolfbluemoon
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Here is the thing. The assets are all MINE! I know that is hard to believe since I am the woman and he is the guy but that is how it is. They for some reason have decided since we are common law and in July will do the legal ceremony that EVERYTHING has become his. He and I have talked about this and he is very disappointed with how they have behaved and has let them know so. He has told them I love you very much but I did not raise you this way and will not tolerate it. The oldest refuses to speak to us now and screams to everyone that her Daddy doesn't love her anymore. We have made it very clear that we love them but we are the bad people since we expect them to treat us with respect. I have told him there will be a will by July or no go. He agrees. We are having some finance issue right now so we are working on that. We have life insurance on both of us and we are each the benificiary of the other one with all three girls as contingents which has them pissed. My DH is the one that said he wanted to leave some things to BD as he has been her Dad since she was four. Can I ask a stupid question? What is PASed? He raised them. She abandoned them, but WE are the bad people because we expect them to act like adults? I had agreed to leave some of my house and assets to them as well as I tried to be one big happy family. I even invited the BM to holiday dinner as she had no where to go. However this total greed and disrespect has me livid. I know they are young but I had it figured out by then and don't understand why they don't. I know I had unreasonable expectations of the Waltons when we moved out here. (My idea by the way) But we couldn't at least try to be a family?
dotz_gw
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
PAS mean Parental Alienation Syndrome...Where the BM tells the Sks how horrible you are and have ruined their lives...I cant believe your kindness to BM and they are still not nice to you!!!! I m sorry, yes he can want to leave something to your BD,but that is a gift, not a given...I m so surprised that they want YOUR assets, I thought they wanted to keep DH s money away from YOU!!! I think you are a very reasonable person,do not allow them to tread on you...
imamommy
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wow! The problem, from my perspective, is that maybe you've been TOO kind and giving. They are using a form of emotional blackmail to get what they want, maybe because they find it works for them? By that, I mean they are not sincere in being kind to you... they are looking to get what they can & since dad has nothing, they EXPECT it from you because you have been so generous. For whatever reason, they are using that tactic instead of sincerity. Their actions show no respect or even liking you or your DH. When your DH tells them how to behave properly, it sounds like they may know but don't care since they don't change their behavior. My uneducated guess would be that they harbor anger & resentment for their mother leaving... and they may also resent your DH for whatever reason (since I have no info on why that may be) and they have learned to use the guilt people feel for their situation to benefit from it. It almost reminds me of generational welfare families... they expect the government to take care of them but they don't necessarily like the government & want the government to stay out of their business but keep on giving them the money & if they don't get an annual increase or the amount decreases, they get angry or blame the government for their kids not being taken care of when the truth is they should not have had kids that THEY couldn't take care of. I used to see that train of thought all the time and it was partly to blame for my interest in sociology & behavior.

My advice would be to cut them off. They are well into adulthood... and have husband's & children. If they can be so snide as to say "we have kids and jobs, and husbands you wouldn't understand.", which is a not so subtle or backhanded insult/jab, then I would simply use that as my answer next time they ask for something... "I have a child to raise & YOU have a husband that can/should help you with YOUR family". And your DH needs to back you up or better yet, HE should tell them this & keep YOU out of it. You are not their mother and YOU have NO responsibility or obligation to them. It is tough love on your DH's part because these "kids" haven't learned how to stand on their own two feet but they have learned to lay on their backs to make kids that they will probably use to garner sympathy to get you or DH to give them some cash... nobody wants a grandbaby to go hungry or possibly become homeless. They won't learn to ride a two wheeler (LIFE) on their own until the training wheels (YOUR MONEY) are removed. I know that when I was in my 20's and my dad told me "sorry, can't help", I had to figure it out. I was a single mom with 3 kids and no husband... not even a lazy one to help while I worked 2 jobs. (and no child support) He would offer to take in my kids and give me cash for birthdays & holidays but I also never had that entitled attitude. It was made very clear by my parents that I made decisions. I made my kids. I was a grown up. Period.
catlettuce
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Um, these adult kids and I use the term loosely need to focus on their lives and business and stay out of yours. Who cares if they are happy about it? They are obviously just after their fathers money and the money you and your DH earn is for you two to decide what to do with. I would ask your DH to make a pact to politely decline to discuss any financial info with these nosy kids. I'm in a similar situation except my DHs son took him for a ride financially and my husband lost his home to foreclosure and has no money. Our house is MY house and guess what? After his kid treating me like crap all these years, he gets nothing. He has spent not only his inheritance but his two brothers as well. My advice is clam up when they question you guys and just say when the time comes the proper authority will assist you with our will if we decide to gift anything to you until then we prefer not to discuss our financial business with you, that's private.

Best of luck to you!
Cat.
NancyP_Oct1
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am ready to call my marriage quits after only 8 months tho we have been together for 17 years because of his adult kids. I myself have 2 adult daughters - one lives far away the other grad school. I have always been caring & considerate of stepchildren & the relationship with their father. Stepdaughter left my husband when she was 12 as she wanted to live with her alcoholic mother instead with no rules whatsoever.So the lovely court system said OK. When we met his daughter was 11 and his son was 18. Daughter only comes around when she wants to pick a fight or needs something. I have always kept my mouth shut even tho she has ruined many a holiday with her outbursts - swearing & insulting. When my mother passed away 2 years ago step kids were furious as they were not included in the funeral. My argument always was & still is that they never once in the 2 years my mom was ill to ever ask how she was or how I was doing. They knew the situation as my husband kept them informed. So when my mom died they never offered any type of 'sorry for your loss', they stayed at the church for 15 minutes then stormed out. I was done caring about them after that & told my husband so. He never agreed nor disagreed. Always let everything ride & would never say anything to upset them. So a year after my mom died we finally decided to get married. I suggested to my hubby to get intouch with his kids & let them know. Step kids were so mad they refused to have anything to do with our wedding. Were not coming and didn't want to hear from their father ever again.So we had a wonderful wedding and 7 months later my step daugher decides she wants to see her father. So they met at a neutral location. Never apologized to her father for anything. She announced she is pregnant! and he thinks I should apologize to her. That was the last straw. I poured my heart out over and over to husband and he thinks his daughter can walk on water. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I want absolutely nothing to do with stepkids. I should have left this relationship 17 years ago but was always hopeful things would change. But my husband has allowed his kids to be disrespectful to me for as long as I can remember.
dotz_gw
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Nancy, Does your DH want to end the marriage because you want nothing to do with SD? I have not seen my SK in oh probably five years now..DH visits alone..Have another SK that I talk to and get along with just fine..DH doesnt like that SK number one and I dont talk, but it s not interfering with the marriage. Would your DH be OK with that? As far as SKs not being involved in your family, I d let that go..I really dont care that either of them has ever participated in my family life...I m OK with it..DH never even told them when my dad died...Didnt bother me because they never were involved. I wouldnt throw away the marriage unless he is making you feel responsible for SKs attitudes and behaviors...Compartmentalize the SKs and the marriage,if DH can go along with that....Sometimes, low/no contact is the way to go, if all are agreeable with it..Good Luck
NancyP_Oct1
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
DH doesn't want to let marriage go but not willing to even mention to his daughter to apologize for all the hurt she has caused over years.I am not interested in having them part of my side of family. Every time we have tried like holiday parties SK avoids my side completely.When my family does holidays the SK are always included but always find something to complain about.I have told my DH numerous times I want no part in SK lives as they were never interested in mine. Tired of trying to be nice to people who are not interested. Step Son said as far as he is concerned that I don't even exist. Its all to exhausting and I hate the wall that keeps growing between my husband & me. This is something that can't be fixed. If I apologize for my way of life because it's not their way then I am allowing them to walk all over me. Example - they are not at all religous & my hubby & I are catholic. Stepson constantly insulting our beliefs. I love my husband very much but I can't live like this any longer.So if husband is not willing to take my side in any manner such as mentioning to his kids that they should apologize not just to me but to him also as they have always disrespected him & his 90 year old mother. Example husband has surgery & was home for 6 weeks recooperating and neither of his kids ever came by or called to see how he was & they only live 1/2 hr away. Father's day, BDAys go by without even a call.
justmetoo
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Nancy, I guess I don't really understand why either of you (SD/you) have to be asked to apologize. Yes, I see why SD should be apologizing, what I mean is, why now? If your husband and you see the children so seldom (Dad was home 6 weeks and no sign of any of them), why is it so important just because Dad had 'lunch' with his daughter that everybody is expected to kiss and make up now.

If you're not trying to stop Dad from having a relationship with his daughter (as long as it does not have to involve you personally) why the big demand from your husband? It's not you who has to play family with his children, it's him. You don't have to hostess family get-togethers for them. He could go visit them so much as he pleases. He can go spend holiday visits by himself. You can hold your own and invite whoever you please. Nothing in the 'rule book' that says " my wife must love my adult children, include them in her every day life and kiss their foreheads because they think my wife owes them an apology"

If your marriage is good, why let the pouting adult children who seldom come around anyway, break up your marriage? On the other hand, if you're unhappy in your marriage and your relationship with your husband, by all means, why stay in it.

You mentioned SD is pregnant. Did she perhaps maybe tell Daddy that he can't be a part of the grandchild's life IF his wife (you) don't apologize and bend to SD's demands? I'm just curious as it seems odd why he suddenly thinks a big kiss and make up is necessary. Did SD give him the ol' choice of 'choose her or me'?
catlettuce
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Well, I too do not understand why you are expected to apologize. For what? I agree with Dotz completely, except if he has never insisted they treat you with common courtesy and respect in 17 yr.s, don't expect it now. It's been 11 years here and I'm not holding my breath.

I will say though as time goes on, it makes me resentful that DH has never had my back-ever. He always, always defended them-even after they hurt his feelings deeply and financially ruined him. Their wants and needs are far more important to him than mine are. So don't expect a change there and learn how to do more for yourself and care for yourself better-because you deserve to happy and have your needs met too.

Sorry for the hijack. I feel your pain, I really do. What works best for me is to remove myself from anything to do with them and only socialize during holidays/or G-Kids events where there is no polite bowing out.

~Cat
NancyP_Oct1
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you all so much for the support. I guess I never realized how many other people have the same issues with their steps. I have never & will never stop dad from seeing his daughter my only wish is that he would tell her & his son that they should think about apologizing to me. Its not just me it has effected thru the years but my entire family. If a husband & wife can't stand up for each other then who will. I have always taught my kids to be respectful of my husband & they always have tho there have been times of agruments but the line of respect was never crossed. Hubby has & always will keep his mouth shut to his kids I think out of fear of not having any type of relationship with them. Who knows maybe SD did say she expects apology from me or he won't be able to see grandchild. Good question to ask & I will. The silence in my house has become unbearable. I don't even want to go home after work. It is very sad, I want to reach out and hug him but there is that wall.............
dotz_gw
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I dont understand why DH is blaming you for the rift...Why dont you spell out what the SKs have done to you, and then ask DH what you have done to them that deserves an apology..I think you are over estimating the value of an apology from them..It wont be sincere anyway, you ll be sweeping the problems under the rug..It will come back to bite you later...Just reinforce to your DH you didnt cause the rift and stop blaming you and feeling guilty about his torn loyalty. It doesnt have to be that way..Tell him to go off and enjoy them without you.If they have its us or her mentality, if he wants to be foolish enough to let them emotionally blackmail him,it will be cold comfort to him if you leave and they have him all to themselves...Ask him if he wants to be alone and lonely,or allow you to take yourself out of the equasion...

Adult Stepchildren Driving me crazy!!!

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