Will stepson ever learn?

19 years ago

Well, we had a pretty good Christmas, all things considered. Actually, with everything that's gone on in our family over the past several months, if someone had said a month ago you will all be happy together at Christmas, I wouldn't have believed it.

There were just a few things ...

The Jeep we had bought for 17-yo SS#2, that he actually never got to drive because of his DUI arrest and subsequent loss of license, almost became a point of contention. Following some really poor behavior, SS#2 decided to go live with BM partly because he knew he would not be getting to drive that Jeep. BM wanted DH to just give the car to son, since we bought it for him. DH said no, we bought it for this household, and offered to sell it for half of what was paid (she is getting a pretty generous support check every month). She declined. Well, apparently she forgot that DH said no, because she told son dad was giving him the car. This is right before Christmas and right before son is going to be spending Christmas break with us. Can you imagine son's reaction when dad has to tell him, "No, your mom is mistaken, you won't be getting the car?" It would make for a fun holiday, that's for sure. DH and I discussed and decided we would give him the car for Christmas, but he had to pay 25% of total cost. Son agreed, and everyone is happy.

Of course, I had an issue with SS#1, the 20-yo pot-head college student. His illegal activities in our home have in the past caused lots of problems between DH and me. The first summer SS#1 came to live with us, I was ready to take the younger kids and leave because DH was really slow to address the problem. Anyway, yesterday, I went out to our work-out barn to ride the exercise bike (after opening gifts, but prior to starting dinner), and the stench of marijuana was unmistakable. I guess there was some Christmas Eve partying going on. I mentioned it to SS#1 in a really low key way, saying that I was really disappointed, as this was not the first time I caught him out in the barn, but didn't want to make a big deal about it. I didn't immediately mention it to DH (why upset him on Christmas?), but I did talk to him today. I asked him how many chances have we given son, and the next time this happens, son will have a choice. I will either call the police, or he will pay his own auto insurance. Son can pick. Keep in mind that son has no real expenses - college is paid for, car is paid for, insurance is paid for. I don't think this is too harsh. DH's response? "Let me think about it." What is there to think about?

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Comments (4)

issol
19 years ago
Wow. You are stuck right in the middle! All you are trying to do is keep a great relationship with Mr. DH and still take care, provide for, and mentor the 2 ss. SS#2 is rebeling, which I'm sure you know. I would have sold the Jeep. If he isnt responsible enough when it comes to alcohol, he wont be responsible with a top heavy Jeep. Plus, sometimes thats what it takes to get them to realize you arent kidding. With kids (or young gentlemen...) you have to be TUFF!! He'll learn. Just let him know you are there for him as much as his Dad and yall just want him safe and happy. He wont listen now, but he will later....I was SS#2. SS#1 is in college, thinks he can do what he wants and doesnt have to listen to you... I'm sure you've heard "I'm a grown man!" Well, grown men dont break the law. Next time, Look his butt dead in the eyes, tell him to trash it or you're calling the cops and you dont even have to clear it with DH. Making him pay insurance just shows you have accepted defeat and are okay with him breaking the law. Let him know that if he wants to be under your roof, he needs to leave that behind. Pot is a part of college. Some do it, some dont. But one of 2 things will happen. He'll become a pot head and end up in trouble with the law (in which case you should never help with attorney fees...enabling!) or he'll sneak through college, get a career, start a family, and eventually his smoking will stop one joint at a time. Just let him know that drugs arent okay in your house. Hope that helped. I just related because I know what they are thinking....
coolmama
19 years ago
Sounds like your DH needs a lesson in tough love. I say this because My husband has alot people like this in his family. Like...if something isnt done now,when the son is 33 he will still be living with you and messing up because dad lets him.
But then...when I was a teen my mom looked for the littlest things to kick me out.Which was fine with me because I couldnt get out fast enough.
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Mommy08, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also known my stepson since he was 2, and for years I tried to love him and take care of him like he was one of my own (my husband and I have 3 children together.) He was always surly and ungrateful but I put it down to bad raising on his mother's part. That woman is crude, vulgar, mean, a compulsive liar. Anyway, once he got near his teen years he actually became blatant in his disprespect. He would grin at me as I told him he had been rude and needed to apologize. He was being reprimanded on a constant basis at school (my husband would never call the school and get a meeting, that should have warned me just how far his head was stuck in the sand.) I finally could no longer deal with him. Like you, I would begin to dread his visits a week in advance. Worse than you, we actually had him for 2 weeks at a time AND my husband travelled for work so it was me and my kids alone with him. Actually, I doubt it would have mattered in the long run. My husband isn't going to admit that his son has a huge attitude problem, his being here would have just meant more frustration for me. Finally, I decided I could no longer have SS visit. This nearly broke apart my marriage. My husband accused me of turning my back on "our" son. Now this kid wasn't "my" son when I wanted him disciplined or when I thought my husband should call the school and request that they paddle his 12 year old behind instead of putting him in in school detention twice a week. Nope, then it was none of my business and I "hadn't raised a preteen yet." Guess what? Neither was my husband, to me "raising" denotes actually being involved. Anyway, I digress, since then SS only comes around when my husband is home. I try to make myself scarce and my primary care doctor gave me xanax so I wouldn't be so tense and anxious when he's around. He is now almost 16 and he is worse than ever. He is getting in fights at school, we took him on vacation with us (9 days of an ungrateful, whiney teenager is NOT fun) and he actually was going out of his way to "shoulder" people and almost knock them down. Seriously, he was stepping over a good two feet and ramming them so hard they spun halfway around. My husband insisted that he was only making his way through the crowd, that those people were walking on the wrong side and were in SS's way. Whatever, if you have to move 2 feet to your side to hit them....they aren't in your way. He is a big kid (not fat, just BIG and solid) and the day I saw him do that to a guy who was probably all of 5'5 and 150 lbs I knew I was done. I will never go anywhere with him again, he made my vacation miserable. To everyone who has suggested she do this or that - it may not be that easy. If I refuse to pick up SS or whatever and want my husband to do it as it's "his job", I get yelled at and threatened with divorce. I've since learned that is a smoke screen. He just wants to try to "make" me do this for his kid, and (to be honest) if he wants to divorce me because I won't put myself out for a kid who is rude and disrespectful to me then LET HIM. But I do hate the drama it causes and that my kids notice that Daddy and Mommy are fighting. They are big kids themselves (youngest is 7) and they know when things are super tense. I am weighing my options now and trying to decide how to get away from my SS and my husband's family (who seem to have my husband's misplaced sense of loyalty - never admit the kid needs his attitude adjusted, it's always someone else's fault.) The thing is, also like you, when SS isn't around we have a lovely family dynamic. For whatever reason, my husband feels disloyal to his son if he feels the same way I do about this kids bad attitude. I think he feels like his son will feel "ganged up on". Uh, it's called UNITED FRONT and many parents do it, and it's not "ganging up" if the kid is truly in the wrong. Please start looking around for ways to get SS out of YOUR life. Let your husband see him all he wants but you shouldn't be subjected to abuse by a nine year old. It won't get better, it WILL get worse. Right now I'm mad at MYSELF because I've sunk 13 years into this marriage and I don't even get a say in how my life goes. I have three kids to support, but if I didn't (or if I had a job that paid enough to support them on my own) I would be gone yesterday :( I love my husband but he is like Jekyll and Hyde when his son is around.
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tamar_422
Original Author
19 years ago
Coolmama, you so totally hit the nail on the head. My DH is totally an enabler. He is so willing to just look the other way. I don't know if it's because he just doesn't want to have to deal with negative behavior, or he doesn't want the boys to be angry with him, or maybe he just feels guilty that he left their shrew of a mother after many years of unhappiness. I'm not that great, but DH thinks I'm wonderful, as does his extended family, and that's because I had an easy act to follow.

Anyway, I would not be surprised if sons were still living with us as adults. DH really is an enabler. As an example, last summer SS#1 was supposed to get a summer job to earn spending money for college. We did have him re-build a deck on part of our property, and paid him about $1,500. This was supposed to be on the side, in addition to the summer job he was supposed to get. Well, he never did get a job, so DH was paying him $8/hour to do work around the property. The work included seal coating our 300-yard driveway (there are a couple of areas that aren't done), and painting the exterior of the main house. That's another story. Son was only painting areas he could easily reach and did not have to mask off. I knew that he would not complete the whole house, so I told him it would be easier for his dad to finish if complete sections were done, versus where ever he could reach. His response? "I'm not getting paid to finish painting the house. I'm just getting 8 bucks an hour to paint." Some work ethic, huh? Plus, what incentive does he have to get any job when he's making $8/hour at home? He wouldn't net that much at most summer jobs, plus his hours were whenever he felt like getting out of bed after partying all night with his friends.

Actually, if stepsons still engage in illegal behavior and are still living here much past college, I won't be ...
coolmama
19 years ago
My husband's cousin is older then me,33 and still living with his dad.His dad is the same way.The cousin has ruined or recked 10 cars in the last two years,and his dad keeps giving him another one. He never keeps a job for long,doesnt pay rent,and his dad hands him everything.
meanwhile,his dad's new wife is not too happy about the situation either.She wants him gone.And he's 33! He has never even had his own place.
Examples like this are really why your DH needs to learn tough love.he is teaching the son he doesnt have to do for himself cuz daddy always will.
I suppose you are right.maybe he feels guilty about leaving their mom.Maybe he wants them to think he's cool and be their friend.Either way,it isnt really good parenting.
It is terrible and sucks to be in the position you are in.Counseling is really the best thing,but if husband wont do it,you dont have many options but leaving (if things dont get better in a few years)
My husband kinda acted this way with his daughter who was hitting our daughter (ours is 8 and his is 14!) He didnt ever want to displine her for it or anything else really.he was too concerned about being her friend. It actually took for our daughter getting hurt for him to open his eyes and finally step up and say something.
It is so hard...I'am glad to have this forum too.

Will stepson ever learn?

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issol

coolmama

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Will stepson ever learn?

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issol

coolmama

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