Why is it so hard?

17 years ago

I am so glad to have found this site. I know now that only ohter stepparents that have struggled can truly understand what it is like to be a stepparent. For those who are aghast at opinions expressed here I have to say "walk in their shoes first!". I found the love of my life at 41 and he came with a full custody of a son (now 9). I decided to give up on being a biological mother and had grandiose visions of how stepmotherhood would fulfill my maternal yearnings (I love children and always wanted to be a mother). I have a relatively good situation--my husband and I are truly a "team" and we both have a good relationship with the biomom. Still I have such struggles with my stepson, have never felt that bond that I imagined. Sometimes when times are difficult I just want to run away. Why does stepmotherhood have to be so difficult? Do things get better over time? Dating was soooo much different than being a full-time, live-in stepmom (16 months now).

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Comments (7)

bnicebkind
17 years ago
Being a parent is difficult. Period. Even those who bring those precious babies home from the hospital get a very rude awakening on being a parent at some point. It will stretch you in ways you never dreamed possible. Watch Nanny 911 some monday night. We wonder what in the world happened? Most do not have children that behave like that, but many have some bad days where you feel just like that. No one and nothing can prepare you for being a parent. And you have no idea what your child will be like. Will the child be passive and reasonable, or screaming every time they do not get their way? And just when you think you have figured it out, you are thrown a curve ball!
amimean
17 years ago
I agree that bio parent is difficult but in a very different way than being a step-parent. When your own child is having problems or acting out, it affects you in a different way that a step-child. I agree that it is Hard. My step-daughter, who has lived with us for a year, does so many manipulative things that my husband never sees. If I tell him, he acts like I am ridiculous or just mean and we argue. If she were our child, he would listen to me and we would discuss ways to address the issue. So, I can keep quiet to save my marriage or continue the cycle of fighting. I think that any biological parent will always resent anyone who points out poor behavior in their children. I don't know what to do.
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I started reading the book "Divorce Poison" because we have a very difficult nasty ex-wife to deal with. In it, I read something that I have said to my husband all along: His children came with the deal. I did not fall in love with his children and decide that I wanted a life with them. I don't mean that to sound cold -- just that I fell in love with my husband and wanted a life with him -- which included the kids; but -- it takes time to develop a bond with the kids.....the love isn't automatically there with the kids. My stepson who is 15 lives with us full time and I am growing to love him. But whether I feel love or not, I do feel that I need to be there for him and to be the woman that his mother just isn't capable of being (she's "fun" but not worth much else for him). So, when I often ask myself the question about why it is so hard, I remember:
1. I don't remember the little angel who began walking and talking and was so innocent -- I see a teenager.
2. His loyalty is always going to be to the woman who doesn't do half the stuff I do for him and he may never appreciate the sacrifices I make every day for him.
3. We were strangers forced to live together because of our love for my husband/his father;
4. My idea of parenting is far different from his mother's -- she wants to be their best friend, I feel the need to guide him and help him to be the responsible adult that we want him to be (she raised their daugther who lies, steals, drinks excessively and tells her she is so proud of her and that these things are ok or rationalizes them).

So, of course it is hard -- not because I am weak, but for rather obvious reasons that we tend to forget about.

I was at a party the other day talking to another stepmom and she said "if a woman asked me if she should marry a man with children, I would say no....." I have to agree with her that I would be honest with the person about what it is REALLY like! It is definitely NOT easy. But, I love my husband and he and I almost always agree on our parenting and approach to his difficult daughter and ex-wife.

The most important thing you can do is to get your husband to understand your feelings....and stop being so defensive about his children. Once you feel that he supports you, the rest will be a little easier.

Sorry if I'm all over the place -- I'm trying to do this quickly and get back to work!!!!! Best of luck and Happy New Year!
tamar_422
17 years ago
jerseystepmom, you are right on with your observations.
mudhoney
Original Author
17 years ago
Hey thanks everyone for all the words of advice, just getting back from all the holiday travel and I am seething tonight over more stepcrap, but I won't get into that. We did have some great times this holiday when I helped him make soap and decorate bags for Christmas. bnice...Funny that you mention Nanny 911 ,I love that show! I find it very interesting to see how parenting methods translate into childhood behaviour.
alldogslover
17 years ago
Parenting and step-parenting are difficult. I truly believe that biological parents have a great advantage over step-parents because they have 9 months to prepare, and the parenting skills they have to develop grow as their child grows. Step-parents are thrown into these situations for which we create all the hopes and expectations, and then are faced with the reality of the mystery of parenting and step-parenting!
Bio-parents have the advantage that their children love them from the get-go... until these children become tweens and then teenagers and start detesting your existence! Then they got back to loving you. Step-kids, hopefully like you, but take their time to love you.... and if they love you, they will then hate you, and then they will go back to loving you hopefully! (I could go into the details about my family, but this is about you).
My greatest realization as of late is that being a parent (whichever type you may be) isn't so much about me and my relationship with my children (whichever type they may be), but it is about the contribution I make in their lives. I say this with much peace today, but it was a long and arduous road that lead me there.
Being a parent is one of the greatest honors and challenges I have ever experienced. However, it was NOTHING like what I grew up with NOR is it anything I ever expected. Would I trade it in for anything? Absolutely not. Would I recommend it? Only to those of us who like a challenge.
going_bonkers
17 years ago
Sarabera,
Believe me even Bio parents want to run away sometimes! Dont worry you will bond with your SS its just gonna take time. I have step kids from a previous marriage and I still love them to death! They were about your SS age when we were married and we went thru a couple of years of hard times. When we were divorced I kept a good relationship with the kids and I still keep in touch with them although they are grown(my baby girl is 17 1/2). Still when I see them or speak with them i always get a hug and they tell me "love you Mom" I have had my own bio kids and yes there is a bit of a difference but over the years you see less and less differences. Keep trying and dont be so hard on yourself... noone falls in love overnite!

Why is it so hard?

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bnicebkind

amimean

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Why is it so hard?

Comments (7)

bnicebkind

amimean

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