Oh Love, I am sending you such big hugs right now - I hope you can feel them. I know how badly you wanted this, and I'm so sorry you weren't able to see your dream come true this time.

I don't think you were AT ALL wrong for how you felt. After that devestating news I can't see how you would want to go anything but curl up in a ball in bed and have yourself a fine little pity party. I can also understand how your DD would be more of a comfort than your SS, and don't fault you those feelings. Was it the nicest of things to say? Probably not, but who cares? Honestly, your DH said he would do it. He obviously knew you were very upset. To expect you to be overjoyed that he couldn't make good on his word is a bit much. I'm glad he understoof that as he mulled it over and tried to make up for it. Anyway, you don't need to feel badly for those emotions at all. They are perfectly natural.

I'm going to go way out of bounds here, and perhaps I shouldn't, but I had a thought. Stress is a big deterant in TTC I know. BM causes a majority of your stress. Could some of your reluctance to get SS be coming from that dsecret place that partially blames BM for this time not working out? Just something to think about, because I know when I'm upset I like to find the cause and understand it so I can try to correct it, and I think you are the same. If you have a reason wny you had those feelings about SS, right wrong or otherwise, it will make the fact you had them a little easier to swallow.

I'll be thinking of you today, Love.

"Could some of your reluctance to get SS be coming from that dsecret place that partially blames BM for this time not working out?"

YES YES YES. I have not really been able to put my finger on it, but yes, when I find myself having feelings of resentment towards SS, if I back track, I can usually find that it is displaced anger towards BM.

I felt extremely irritable yesterday because I felt like I was doing HER a favor. And that favor came on a very dark day for me. I thought to myself how ironic it was that, on a day when I was very sad and going through something very emotional, that there I was taking care of BM's child.

Yes, I know he is DH's child, too. But somehow when my emotions get the best of me, I feel like SS is BM's child. Not sure if that makes sense, it is hard to explain.

Another huge issue I'm having is that BM is about 17 weeks pregnant for the THIRD time. And of course, she smokes up a storm, I don't *think* she is still drinking, but who knows...she's still on public assistance, etc. You get the picture. It bothers me. I opted out of going to SS's music program last night, partly because I didn't know if/when I would start cramping/bleeding and partly because the thought of seeing BM with her big preggo belly made me want to sob.

Thanks JNM, I appreciate your thoughts and insight. You are right, I do like to find a reason for why I feel a certain emotion. If I can put it into words, it often helps me make sense of it and then I can work past it.

I'm so sorry LH --
Just sending hugs ((((LH))))

Oh, LH, I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
It's a terrible thing to deal with, but then to have to pick up the slack for others on a day when you really just need to be taking care of yourself and trying to find a safe emotional place...

It can be hard to see a pregnant woman who doesn't seem like she wants it or "deserves it". I think it's perfectly understandable that you didn't want to go see pregnant and trashy BM smoking up a storm.
We've only been TTC for almost 9 months and I get all kinds of ornery when I see "bad" pregnant ladies.

LOL, when SS (or the work that is part and parcel of kids) is ticking me off, I sometimes find myself thinking of him as BM's kid too and totally disassociating him from DH. I usually just have to give a pep-talk to myself about that SS is part of DH's (and my!) life too. Usually works quite quickly.

(((Hugs LH)))
I'm so sorry.
-Cat

((((Hugs))) lovehadley. I had a number of miscarriages and it's just awful when you really want to have a child.

What you are going through is so emotionally tough that I think you should let yourself off the hook of anything or anyone who stresses you, doesn't make you happy or at least feel ok.

Feel better.

I'm so sad to hear of your loss! I know any miscarriage is hard, but waiting on one has to be heart-wrenching!

I've never had one myself, but my sister has experienced them (she was self-aborting about 2-4 weeks along) and I tried to be as supportive as possible, but really she didn't want anyone's support.

Sometimes we, as GOOD moms, are the ones that need to be taken care of. But our "loved ones" just don't know what to do. I know my DH is SO insensitive when it comes to me hurting about anything, physical or emotional. He's so used to me being the care-taker.

When my grandmother passed away five years ago, it was not an easy thing. She spent 9 whole days in hospice dying slowly while someone had to always be with her. I was driving over 200 miles a day. After about 5 days, I was tired and emotionally spent. He kept asking me if I wanted to do this or that so I said "If you haven't noticed my grandmother is dying" and he said "Well, remind me when another one of your family members dies to stay the h*ll away from you". I was so shocked!

I think that's what's going on with your DH. He's used to being taken care of. He thinks that life will just go on as it always has and you will pick yourself up by your boot-straps and rise to the occasion (how's that for 2 cliches in one sentence????).

He's been showing his lack of sensitivity towards your emotions for some time now. He should have never even asked you. He should have called BM and said he couldn't do it.

Sorry.....probably not what you want to hear right now. I'm sending hugs to you!!!!!!

Oh Love that is such sad news..hugs for you >>>

I'm so sorry.

I agree with "let yourself off the hook", but *not* to let husband off the hook.

This is the time for him to drop his own agenda & be there for you, & guess what?

He's still #1 in his own book.
as well at #2, #3, #4...

"He's used to being taken care of. He thinks that life will just go on as it always has and you will pick yourself up by your boot-straps and rise to the occasion (how's that for 2 cliches in one sentence????).

He's been showing his lack of sensitivity towards your emotions for some time now. He should have never even asked you. He should have called BM and said he couldn't do it."

ditto.

This is just the current chapter in husband being "right", entitled, & downright cruel.

As my brother said about someone in our family,
"If he can't use you, he doesn't have any use for you."

Please take care of yourself.

Hugs to you lovehadley... I'm praying for strength and comfort for you.... (((LH)))

I am so sorry that your hopes were taken from you. That is one of the most painful things a woman can go through, and few people really understand. And I think for stepmothers, it is an especially cruel event. Even when one loves one's SKs, a pregnancy loss is a sad reminder of what one doesn't have with one's mate. My DH and I did in vitro in an attempt to have a child of our own (I had my tubes tied). In six tries, we never had a successful pregnancy, and after that, we made our peace with blending all four of our kids, and now that truly feels like a family.

But while we were trying, there were many sad emotional moments for me. We had three pregnancies over those years, all of which ended within the first few months. And during those MCs, I really, really needed him to be with me, but often he could not because of SK priorities. He was as eager as I was for us to have a baby, maybe more so (I think he wanted a boy, though he never said that, ha), so I know he felt the loss as much as I did--but he was not going through the physical stuff that I was.

Two of the MCs occurred naturally and without complications, but for one I needed an emergency D & C. And when I called him that I was on the way to the hospital, he was hours away with BM, heading to the summer camp where SD was. He had forgotten to tell me, or maybe I forgot, that they were going that day. My brother took me to the hospital--and DH did not come until much later. He did not turn around and come back. BM was in the car, they needed to be at camp at a certain time to pick up SD, he couldn't come back. I understand, but still, after all these years, it hurts.

Take good care of yourself, Lovehadley. I hope that the next try will be soon and successful. But meanwhile, keep sharing your grief with your DH. Again, so sorry for your loss.

sorry... hugs...I will be thinking of you.

I do not believe that in your emotional condition (waiting for miscarriage) you had to take care of SS especially since it was a favor for BM. I have to say that majority of men do not deal well with women being sick or suffering. We are always strong and capable, men aren't prepared to see us sick or weak. Even the most wonderful men still expect women to be strong. Unfair.

I agree with ashley, he shouldn't ask you all these favors (for BM) when you clearly aren't in a good shape.

Gosh I am so sorry.How insensitive can people be??!!! I am sorry to say that I think DH was a real jerk. Firstly he should know about women and hormones by now, not to mention that a m/c is a big thing even when you aren't trying, and more devastating when you are.

No matter how close your step kids are, they will never be as close as your kids. Like skids and BMs, no one should expect them to be.

I hope you feel better soon and don't you dare apologize! it's not your fault.

oooo(hugs)

smo4

LH, it really is heartbreaking to hear what you have been through and continue to go through. You're in my thoughts & prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss LH

Bright side ... ( if there is one) atleast you know you can get pregnant ....

It is so hard to sit here and read your sad news. I have had m/c's before. There is nothing that can make you feel better until you are ready, and almost everything hurts. Emotionally, you need to take care of yourself and lean on DH as much as you can. Please, don't feel guilty or ashamed of a natural reaction to a painful situation. Sometimes we, as women, play the super hero for our families. Today, and for the following days as you need to, take off the cape and tights and let them take care of themselves. Even if they don't take care of you, do take care of yourself.

Hugs and prayers,
peanutmom

Love-

The dust has finally settled with the funeral and out-of-town guests and I just read this. I just want to send you a ((((hug)))). Sometimes things just don't seem very fair. Geri

Sending you hugs!!! just some info on me..... i've lost 2 this year...you're not alone. Chin up, go out with a friend......

I am so sorry for your loss, LoveHadley! Bless your heart. You are not alone and don't you feel bad for one second about not wanting to honor your husband's request for assistance with his child; especially, when you were about to lose the precious baby you wanted to have with him! I find it very selfish of him to have asked you to do such a thing. He should have taken off work to be by your side and told BM that she was going to have to handle it.

As JNM said, stress can make a pregnancy very hard. I'll pray that you find a mindful, emotional and physical peace in your life that your next pregnancy be a happy and healthy one! (((HUGS)))

Hang it there. I've lost three babies. Guess what. :) Normal okey-dokey pregnancy is a wild-ride emotionally. When you lose one--it's worse emotionally.

Once you get pregnant you're body starts a whole 40 week plan of trying to get your hormones, etc on the right track for a good pregnancy. Then, when you lose a baby, your body can take several weeks (usually months) to pull itself off of that hormone track because it's already working on the 40 week plan.

I had an awesome doctor when I lost my third one who helped me understand that it wasn't me not having my act together. There were REAL hormone things happening that could throw me "out of whack" emotionally while my body lost the baby and spent all those weeks afterward trying to get me back to my monthly cycle after the pregnancy ended before the 40 weeks.

Love Hadley, sorry, I don't know how but I missed your post and just saw it now...I am so very sorry about your loss...many hugs and hope you are feeling ok, be gentle to yourself and take it easy and be kind to yourself whenever you can (hot cups of tea, a good book, a hot bath, whatever makes you feel better..)

I remember hearing from a friend that they had to give her progesterone so that she could maintain a pregnancy, is there any way that your MD could look into that for you...

Many hugs,
Shannon