She's trying to manipulate him and make him feel guilty. A lot of divorced/single parents do that on their own, without the child demanding it and it's worse when they (the children) act as if you owe them something. At the age of 33, he owes her nothing. If she feels her "child support" was insufficient, that's between him and her mom. and if he paid what he was supposed to, he has nothing to feel guilty about.

Her mom obviously didn't take care of her every need, which is the need to learn how to be self reliant. I'm just guessing, but her mom probably complained a lot about her dad when she was growing up. (likely about the child support not being enough or that his lifestyle is better and he could do more but doesn't, etc.) Those types of comments can affect how the child feels about that parent, when it would benefit the child more to be encouraged to love the other parent. If your SD were to show she loves her dad and want the relationship with him that he would like, he'd probably be more inclined to help her out with her debts, etc. but when a child treats him like he's the bad guy that did nothing and expects it to be made up to them, then he's probably not going to ever have that loving, healthy relationship with them.

I would suggest that he sit them down and have a talk with them. Perhaps ask them why they feel so angry, hurt, and resentful. He should not say anything bad about their mom but explain his side of things. (ie. he didn't make much back then, etc.) If he made mistakes, he should admit them and apologize. If he tries to make amends, and they don't accept it, then there's not much he can do. But no amount of money is going to fix the problem he has with her.

Thanks for your thoughts. My husband has asked for forgiveness (even though I don't think he did anything wrong - he only was not earning the kind of money they would have liked, that's certainly not a sin), so SD jumped on that and likes to end her threatening emails with "I will never forgive you". She of course doesn't realize that the one who does not forgive can never move on in life. He has tried to make amends where he can, eg when we decided to give her sister the car, little gifts here and there, etc., certainly not bribing anyone into a relationship. You're right - no amount of money will solve this. SD has already shown that nothing is enough - she wants daddy on a string - not if I can help it though! She needs to be accountable for her own life.

First he should not give in to any requests when she uses manipulation and disrespect to obtain something. She is acting in a spoiled, self centered and selfish manner and giving in will only show her it works to get her way in that manner and it will only get worse. She will want more and more....my husband raised his daughter and gave her everything and she uses the same tactics ....its just a way to get her way because somewhere along the way it worked for her. When she throws up what he didnt do he should simply reply...well i did the best i could and let it go....He should never reward negative behavior by giving her anything. Personally i would tell her to grow up.

I think children should not know how much is child support. My DD never knew, she knew we were getting something but she never knew if it was enough. In my opinion it was never enough and I believed he could pay more but i kept it from her, why would she need to know?

I agree with FD that kids don't need to know the dollar amount of their support.

And I absolutely agree that T needs to grow up and stop being spiteful and greedy.
I'm in her shoes (sort of) - I'm a graduate student in my midtwenties and I'm an SD - and I think she's being a brat.
I paid for my own education (to the tune of about $40000 in loans) and don't expect my dad to pay any of it off.
They (Dad and SM) paid for most of my books when I was an undergrad and they pay my car insurance for as long as I'm in school. Once in awhile, I ask for a little extra money for groceries or some other expense. I often feel that even that's too much to ask of him!
They paid for a lot of my stepsister's trade school tuition, even though she was married and her husband made pretty good money. At the time, I was a little choked that they paid for a lot more of her school than mine, but ultimately it's not a competition. After a good vent on the phone with my sister, I got over it.
I did get mad at my dad though when he promised to buy my books, but then spent $11000 on a convertible and a laptop that summer... In September, he was too broke to buy my books and told me to ask my grandma. My reply was "No! You promised you'd buy them, but then spent all your money all toys. YOU ask Grandma for money for them"

As for the car, I'd probably tell her that the saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" can also be interpreted as "don't look a gift car under the hood".

Thank you all for your thoughts. It helps to see how other people see the situation, as those who are personally involved would have their own agendas somehow. I think we should let SD be for awhile, ie. no contact and see if things will cool down. For myself, my mother supported me through college, but once I graduated and got a job, I started giving her a sort of allowance every month for several years. I only stopped doing that after I got married because of my job situation, also knowing that she's doing fine. I think people should stop comparing themselves to anyone, esp those who are better off - that's where all that envy and strife starts. They would be more grateful if they were to compare themselves to those who are worse off. Remember the serenity prayer.

Sounds to me like it's T with the problem, and there's probably very little (nothing?) your husband can do to fix it.

In fact, that's exactly what I'd suggest telling her -- That there's nothing he can do now to erase the hurts from her past. That he loves her now, loved her then, and did the best he could at the time. And that the future is up to her. He will continue to try to be a good father, and she can choose to try to 'forgive' him and build a good relationship going forward -- or not.

I do agree with the others about never giving in to emotional blackmail though. It doesn't buy a thing...

When adult children tell you they will not forgive you, believe them and move on.

It takes two people giving one another mutual respect and courtesy to have a good relationship. Some people grow up and can accomplish this and others never will.

"When adult children tell you they will not forgive you, believe them and move on. "

Wise words, NotWicked...

I believe our door should always be open just in case their heart might change over time, but other than that, move on with their your own life and don't let negativity impact your heart, health or mind. Remain focused on the good.