It's not a bad thing, it's the way it should be. There are three people on this board that strongly oppose that, but they haven't lived in those shoes, so from someone wearing those shoes right now, I agree with you.

Sure, the other parent should be consulted if the child needs hospitalization, surgery or extensive dental work (braces, etc.) or if they need a change to a special school, but those things also vary from situation to situation, depending on the level of interest the other parent has in giving their input and some situations are of an urgent nature that it's something that you just do and let the other parent know later. For example, I don't think I need to call BM to ask if she wants a cavity filled. What is she going to say? NO? Of course not, I do what needs to be done and let her know that SD had a cavity and it was taken care of. When SD wanted a flu shot, we sent BM an email to get her input and she had no problem with it. It wasn't urgent or even necessary so she was given the opportunity to object. I find it hard to believe that the other parent would object to their child's needs being met. It's more likely that if they have an objection, it is because they aren't in control of their property, err I mean child.

But that is just my opinion, others may not agree.

Those three are not living in successful step families. I've said this before but I truly believe that they are in the wrong forum. There should be a forum for single parents. They would be a great resource to other single mothers on how to do it alone. They may be able to meet other single parents who can share how they were able to overcome their anger. They are never going to get that support here - and never get the opportunity to grow and open their narrow minded minds.

The step parents on this forum spend so much time trying to change their point of view and it is just not going to happen. I read their posts and sometimes I write these long responses on how they don't know what they are talking about but then I remember that they will never "get it" and so I hit the delete button.

I have a great relationship with my step parents they are my parents and who I look up to. They are my biggest resource when it comes to step parenting because my goal in step parenting is to have my step son look up to me like that. I don't post that much cause I think I am well on my way to a successful step family of my own, minus the minor hiccup here and there.

So I would just encourage you all to just ignore their posts. Stop feeling like you have to defend yourselves to them. They don't wnat you to be a success. I admire most of the step parents in this forum who have been through a lot and still find the courage to come in here and ask how can I make my situation better. And who better to ask then those who are living with it and succeeding at it.

Based on what I have read here, most of the stepparents on this board are not exactly experiencing smooth sailing.

If the NCP is fine with the SM or SF making decisions, that is ok. However, many of the posts on this board indicate that this is not the case.

You are correct that you are not going to change my mind, if changing my mind would entail believing that stepparents can usurp the decision-making role of the biological parents without their permission.

So many, so called SMs, on this forum are just GFs-not wives. Somehow they are allowed to this forum. I don't remember anybody questioning them being here. But I am not?

Is that because I do not call myself SM I am not allowed here or because my SO's children are already grown? I am not married to my SO who has two grown kids and with whom I am in serious relationship which possibly is leading towards marriage. Pay attention-not married so they are not SKs. I did complain here about his kids btw (being very spoiled).

Also My SO's kids are in a very bad realtionship with their SF's. Mainly because he is TOM (X left for the other man after 28 years of marriage, moved out without warning and moved with BF right away). His kids cannot stand SF and just one hour ago the youngest one was hysterical crying that she does not want to go for Chritsmas day there because TOM is going to be there and she still cannot forgive her mother for leaving for another man (much younger). So what is it if not stepparenting situation?

I also am a mom of DD who is on her third SM currently. I dealt with it almost her entire life (luckily none of SMs were hateful neither toward me nor toward DD, but the fact that SMs change quickly does effect DD). So I am very much entangled in stepfamily situation in my own, my SO's and my DD's lives.

So am not allowed here? Am I not allowed here because although I dislike BM I do not even dream of taking over her place? Or because I find demonizing and hating SKs, the way some SMs do, dispicable? Are only people who hate either BMs or SKs or both allowed here? Ridicilous.

I didnot see too many people here living in succesful stepfamilies. Those who do probably don't post here.

As about what steparents can do. I said before that in my opinion if bio parents are not in existance and stepparents completely replaced them, of course they are the ones and only ones to make any decisions. But in most cases at least one bio parent is in existance. In fact in most families both bioparents are in existance, maybe not the way you would like it, but they still are there, on the weekends, eow, a week by week, a day a week or whatever.

I think that a lot of us on here are successful stepfamilies. Most of the problems I post about are not related to "our" family, the problems are mostly related to the people outside our home (BM). We do have some kinks in the home, but even families which consist of both bioparents have that. As far as hating people, well I do dislike my skids bm and HATE what she has put them through.

As for stepparents who hate their skids, well I do not agree with that. When you marry someone who has kids you are essencially marrying their kids too. You are promising to love and care for their kids, at least that is the way I look at it. If I felt that I could not love or care for my dh's kids then we would have never married.

You are very involved and loving with your SKs, no questions.

But so many people here are very hateful towards SKs just because they were there before new wives came to the picture. And it is OK for them express their views. But it is not OK for me to express my views? Just seems that everybody is OK with SKs being hated (being called a--holes etc) but they are not OK with anybody saying anything remotely decent about Bioparents. Seems unfair. I am very much involved in bio and step situation i my life and just because I do not hate BM and do not hate SKs and do not hate my DD's SM and do not hate my X and think that bioparents should be consulted on important issues i am not allowed here. I was also told that because I have one biokid I cannot express my opinion to those who have more. HHHHmmm

I think finedreams is in a stepfamily situation and has every right to be here. She might be a little more traditional than a LOT of us, but even when I disagree with her, I don't question that she belongs on this board. She also often has useful things to say.
Sometimes I don't think TOS or KKNY's situations really belong on this board, but they have a right to be here too. Plus, not everything they say is full of spite - they too have useful things to say from time to time.
I'm not defending the anti-stepfamily point of view, just that they have a right to voice their opinions.

And I would say that my situation is pretty smooth sailing. Obviously there are waves from time to time, but the main reason I'm here is to see the experiences others have. I also like to get advice when I need it and help others with creative problem solving... but so far we seem to be pretty successful :)

I completely agree that steps have a right to be heard and participate. I do think the level of involvement can have variables though. Should a GF/BF of a month or so jump in and believe they should be treated as a parent and be able to act as a parent? I don't believe so. Should they be treated with respect? Yes, unless their actions make that impossible.
On the other hand, I believe spouses of the CP who have established their presence in the kid's lives should participate as a parent would. This does not mean overrule or override a bio parent, but act with as much "authority" as their spouse is comfortable with them having.

In my family, that level is equal with my DH. He actually refers to my SD as *our* daughter because, as he explains, I have shown through my actions that I love her and treat her just as I do our boys. If I decided she should be grounded he would respect and honor that. Would I ground her without discussing it with him? Likely no, but not because she is my SD . . . because we discuss discipline before acting with all our kids.

I completely agree with Mom2 - a lot of the issues you will see posted here are not so much related to the workings of *our* families, but the issues with the NCP. For many of us, this isn't because we want to oust or replace them, but because we see daily what they put our SK's though and it hurts us. We don't espouse to be perfect . . . just frustrated at a situation we know needs improvement that we are powerless to change.

There are those posters who do resent their SK's, and though I can understand their difficulties, I can't respect them. In marrying a person with kids you *married* the kids as well, and if you weren't willing to accept them you should have never said "I do." I know that the situation on your wedding day is rarely the same 3 years later, and you rarely know how deeply it will effect you until you are living it daily, but all the same you knew you were not marrying a childless person.

If TOS and KKNY wanted to make this a more pleasant place for everyone, they would recognize - as Finedreams seems to - that each situation is different, and before throwing the anti-step blanket over each of us they should look at the situation, not just the fact there is a step involved. We are not all TOW in their life who treats their kids poorly.

I am actually very liberal in some questions. I just don't find sleepovers in children's presence acceptable, don't call GF/Bf relationship a stepfamily, think that kids need both parents so I don't hook up with whoever and getting pregnant by everybody that i meet, and I think if one has children he/she needs to concentrate on them not on finding next partner etc. Does it make me traditional?

Your sitation is not a stepfamily and mine isn't either. We are not married.

I defend you and you're still crabby to me?
Yeesh.

Different people have different definitions, and I don't think the difference I was implying between "stepfamily" and "stepfamily situation" was really clear. It was clear to me, but I sometimes forget that no one can see inside my head.
What I meant by "stepfamily situation" is that you are quite seriously involved with a man who has children from a previous relationship. You have to deal with some of the challenges that face stepfamilies, without the paperwork or the cohabitation.
This is the same boat I'm in. I don't describe myself as a SM, but I'm in what I consider a "stepfamily situation". I love someone who has a child and so I face some of the challenges of stepfamilies, even though we aren't married or living together.

Sure, some of your views are traditional. Some are not.
Everyone has a spectrum of traditional and non-traditional in their actions and views. I don't think traditional is a bad thing, just that many people here lie in different places on the spectrum.